Monday, September 28, 2009

Yom Kippur...Day of Atonement: Pray And Fast All You Want My Jewish Friends, But Please, Take A Bath

Sunday at sundown marked the beginning of the Jewish observance of Yom Kippur…The Day of Atonement.

In Judaism, this 25 hour period of Yom Kippur marks the end of the annually occurring High Holy Days, or as I call it… Jew-a-Palooza.

As the name, The Day of Atonement implies, it is a period of repentance.


Those of the Hebrew faith will be asking for absolution from God Almighty for their lapses of good behavior and transgressions against the Heap Big Holy Cheese, Hizzelf.

Many of the Torah Toters will be praying, fasting, and avoiding work. Some will participate in other, more disturbing Yom Kippur rituals…

No Wearing of Leather Shoes…I don’t get that. I can see where they might not wear shoes made of pigskin, but leather?

No Bathing or Washing…Holy Moses!!


I bet that today, there are quite a few packed synagogues that will smell less like a gaggle of Jewish chicks at a Palm Beach perfume counter and more like a gang of sweaty Palestinian arms smugglers burrowing a new tunnel through the Gaza Strip. Whew!!

No Marital Relations…Ha. I guess if one is married to a Jewish babe, why should this day be any different than the rest of the year? I do wonder, however…Does this mean that Extra-Marital relations are acceptable?

Anyhoo…

While I am not Jewish, I think I too, will seek atonement with the G-Man today. I will ask forgiveness for throwing a goose egg at the High School Marching Bad Director and hitting him on the ass at the start of my sophomore year.

I will atone for agreeing to an appointment with a window salesman who drove around for an hour looking for my house when all along I was living in this apartment complex of some 100 units.

I will beg forgiveness for the existence of Carrot Top. God won’t take responsibility for him, let alone any mortal, so on behalf of all humanity, I will man up and accept the blame. Please forgive me.

Today, while Glenn Beck is sneaking a Big Mac or six on his National Day of Fasting and Prayer to Save Our Republic, I the Matt-Man, will be on my knees in holy supplication mode.

If there are any hot Jewish babes out there who would like to get on their knees with me, I would be more than happy for you to join me.

After all, as I pointed out earlier, only Marital Relations are a no-no on this day, so we could get together and do a little Yom Kippurrrrring.

To my friends of the Jewish persuasion, I bid you, Mazel Tov, Shalom, and a solemn sin shedding Yom Kippur.

And to ye of all faiths, or lack thereof…

Cheers!!

30 comments:

David said...

>>I the Matt-Man, will be on my knees in supplication

Hmmm... Maybe I could get used to seeing you on your knees in front of me. hehehe

But I bet Schmoop would never agree...well maybe she would if she got to watch or play along in some way.

Cheers Matt Man. You are The Man. That "anonymous" twit (or twat as the case may be) will be fodder for the worms shortly I'm sure. Keep on keepin' on my man.

Matt-Man said...

David: I don't know how to feel about the being in front of you on my knees portion of your comment but I am with ya on the twit/twat aspect of your remarks. Thanks, and Cheers David!!

David said...

I am an incorrigible smart-ass. Pay no attention to the smutty aspect of my remarks.

You are a totally engaging author and I enjoy the things you pen.

Matt-Man said...

David: Thanks for the nice words, but c'mon...You've been reading my stuff long enough to know that I appreciate smutty and incorrigible people like yourself. Cheers David!!

David said...

So it is ok if I keep fantasizing about seeing you on your knees....???

Ya know, someday Ryno is going to figure out his dad is a fantastic perv...I just hope he appreciates that for all that it is worth.

Matt-Man said...

David: If it helps you out, use the image of me all you want. I'm here to help.

However, even though you're speaking of me, please don't use "perv" and "Ryno" in the same sentence. It creeps me out. Cheers David!!

Jay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jay said...

You know, during all this atonement stuff people are also supposed to apologize to people they've wronged during the past year. Apparently they don't take that too seriously cause Mila Kunis, Natalie Portman, Sara Silverman, Mia Kirshner and a few others didn't atone for those damn restraining orders.

Oh, does that make a rapist? LOL ;-)

And, I'm not gonna visualize you on your knees. It's cool if David does though. I mean, there's nothing wrong with that.

G'mar Chatimah Tovah Matt-Man

Scott Oglesby said...

I think that you are on to a great idea Matt-Man! I think we all have a little atoning to do. So I would love the jump on this guilt inducing bandwagon! I would like to sincerely apologize from the bottom of my jaded heart for…….

-Mocking the Crazy Ass Gypsy Lady, her family, her cheesy church, and her opiate addiction.
-To Chuck Barris for comparing Glenn Beck to you. It was not fair.
- To stupid, window licking, short bus riding, helmet wearing people everywhere. You know what I’ve done. Well actually, you probably don’t, but I do apologize. That means ‘I’m sorry.’ Or if you don’t get that either, then it means ‘my bad.’
-To all of the quirky fundamentalist Christians. I shouldn’t have disparaged you for believing that Adam and Eve had pet dino’s. I mean, I’m sure that the T-Rex was created to be a vegetarian originally. I’m sure its jaw and teeth were shaped like that to better eat corn on the cob. I’m sorry for making fun of God’s punishment to the snake in the Garden of Eden. But really, don’t you think he got off kind of light? I mean, “You shall crawl on your belly the rest of your days….” and all. The fucking thing was born without legs. What did it do before the punishment? If that snake destroyed paradise for all mankind, and THAT was its punishment, then why did God go so ballistic with Sodom and Gomorrah? Were they all black people in S & G and he just wanted to keep them off the streets?
-I’m sorry for the last tirade.
-I’m sorry to the crazy fucks in the U.S. ‘The Birthers,’ ‘The Teabgaggers,’ ‘The Dittoheads,’ ‘the Beck Crying Club.’ All of you. I know that you honestly believe the things that you hear on the radio and on TV. I shouldn’t be making fun of you. That would be like making fun of a retarded person. It’s just not nice, and I’m sorry.

If there is anything I can do to make it up to you people, please let me know by emailing me a long letter that I can cut and paste, enabling me to mock you further. Doh’ agghh. I’m not too good at this atonement thing.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: You are so misunderstood by the Jewish community. Mmmmmmm Sara Silverman. And thanks, I know my name has already been sealed in God's book. I'm just unsure as to exactly what book that is. Cheers Jay!!

Scott: See? You start out by half-heartedly attempt to make up for your wrongs against those groups and then?

You backtrack on it and turn your "apology" into a bad joke. You my friend, are going to Hell. I guess it is my duty to help you out and prevent that, but really, I am kind of ambivalent about that. Cheers Scott!!

Scott Oglesby said...

A bad joke? I thought it was a great joke!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Ha...Bada Bing. Cheers Scott!!

Lu' said...

Happy Jewish Day Y'all.

Carrot Top now there is one butt ugly son of a bitch. Takes balls to assume the blame for that wad.

Good Monday to ya Matt-Man.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Much like Jeebus died on the cross for our sins, my equally painful divine calling and cross to bear is to accept responsibility and the ensuing scorn for the existence of Carrot Top. I am selfless.

Right back atcha Lu, Cheers!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...No Marital Relations...I'll bet that tunnel goes to the Gaza Strip Club....

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Damn straight and what a good strategy by the Palestinians. Make the Jews weak through sex. Cheers!!

Bond said...

"High School Marching Bad Director"

Just because they were not that good, does not mean you should make fun like that Matt-Man...I do not think you atoned for that one...

Matt-Man said...

Bond: But they were bad, and small. In a HS of some 1,200 people, the marching band was consistently made up of about 85 people with a heavy emphasis on picolo players. Cheers!!

Starrlight said...

Holiday's that ban hygiene are the ultimate sign that organized religion sucks.

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Ha...I think you are right. Cheers Starr!!

Bond said...

dude - admit the typo...go on it will make you feel better on this day of atonement

Matt-Man said...

Bond: This is really annoying you isn't it? I find that odd. Cheers Vin!!

katherine. said...

I could use both atonement and some toning.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Ha. Couldn't we all? Just follow the advice from the movie, "What About Bob?" Baby steps....baby steps. Cheers Kat!!

Dana said...

My guess? All Jews will take lessons from their 13 year old son's and "bathe" in Axe rather than water. You'll be able to smell the synagogues from miles away! Hell! the world might just smell like on BIG Axe synagogue ...

Micky-T said...

I have nothing to atone for...

It is...what it is.

Done and gone.

Now, is all there is.

Fuck the past...

Embrace the future...

Keep breathing.

Matt-Man said...

Dana: What is it with that crap? I guess teenage dudes buy into the advertising. Cheers Dana!!

Micky: You are so succinct. Cheers Mick!!

Bond said...

NO kiddies....they are using that crap (AXE) to GET HIGH

They put it in a towel and huff it like kids used to huff glue...

No lies...so watch out parents...

Clay Perry said...

smelly jewish chicks... alright...

Matt-Man said...

Bond: I knew it!! Cheers Vin!!

Clay: Ha. Why did I just find that so amusing? Cheers Clay!!