Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Dispatches From My Ass: Ode to Matt-Man

Happy Tuesday, friends of Matt-Man. This is Matt-Man’s BFF, Schmoop, sitting in once again for that oddly endearing, yet very much ailing Matthew.

The poor boy is still in quite a bit of pain.

I thought perhaps if I wrote a poem for him (and showed him my ass), it might break the stranglehold that this unknown, yet painful affliction has over him.

I’m not a great poet, but I don’t mind telling you that I have often been compared to Sylvia Plath. Not, because of my poetry skillz, but because I am so fucking suicidal.

So without further uh-doo, I offer to Matthew and to you all…

ODE TO MATT-MAN

I’m sorry you feel so crappy…

I just want you to be happy…

I wish I could ease your current pain…

And replace it with pain from whips and chains…


Be it your gall bladder or perhaps, pneumonia...

If you stay in the hospital, I'll sneak you Bagwine and a vase of begonias...

I am drinking beer right now while you’re at work…

I fried Spam for you, like a soda jerk…

It may aggravate whatever you have….

But, it has Velveeta, so don’t be so sad…

I want to take away whatever this ailment has made…

Oh my darling, I just want to get laid…

So now you know, I’m just a callous bitch…

Come on baby, get well, I have an itch!!!!!


Zoves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

14 comments:

Scott Oglesby said...

Schmoop, you have an unspeakable talent! Although there may possibly be healthier food than fried spam and processed ‘cheese’ this comfort ‘food’ should help ease the pain. And I know for a fact that nothing is better for the immune system than the promise of sex! Please give Matt-Man my warmest wishes for a full, speedy recovery and good sex!

Nice ass!

David said...

Dearest and quite sexy Schmoop - If that can't cure our Matt-Man, nothing can.

Cheesy said...

HA! Laughter is the BEST medicine!!

Micky-T said...

Poetry From Your Ass...
that should fix him right up!

I sure hope he'll walk across the street if it keeps hurting.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I do believe I would garnish that dish with at least ONE sprig of flat leaf italian parsley...

Michele said...

Very nice! I'm sure that poem will help.

Lu' said...

Your ass, spam w/velveeta and the promise of sex if that doesn't work...

Jay said...

You're a poet, you prepare Spam with Velveeta and your hawt. I would say Matt doesn't deserve this, but since he's sick, I'll just say how lucky he is.

Also? He might outta go to a doctor. ;-)

Schmoop said...

Scott: Thanks for the praise! Healthier that spam and velveeta??? Bite your tongue!

David: Why thank you sir!

Cheesy: Only thing is, he can't laugh, or he hurts!!

Schmoop said...

Phfrankie: I knew I forgot something! Damn, I'm always doing that!

Mick: He like the poem, and if he doesn't get any better soon, he is so going across the street! Stubborn man!

Michele: I was hoping it would, thanks!

Schmoop said...

Lu: I know! What more could the man need???

Jay: Ha! Thank you my Viking! I know he needs to go, but I may have to drug him to get him there!

Dianne said...

what a woman!!
he's lucky to have you

I've been sick all by meself - ditch him and come to NJ ;)

but seriously now - I do hope Matty feels better soon, give him a kiss for me Schmoop

snugs said...

I can't quite get passed the fried spam, I know we have had this conversation before and apparently it is a common/normal/desired thangie there...but never, ever, in my entire 47 yrs has spam & velvetta been something considered good or positive or a help in any way to getting laid...I think I will go throw up now, but I hope Matt is better..

katherine. said...

schmoop you make me laugh clever girl.