Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Dispatches From the Hospital: Emergency Room Picnic

Eight days ago, Schmoop walked me over to the Emergency Room of the hospital across the street from us in order for me to be treated for my burgeoning pulmonary infection.

I was checked-in at the ER desk and oddly and fortunately enough, I was admitted to an ER bed within 15-20 minutes.

I was placed under the care of an incredibly cute Jennifer Love Hewitt looking nurse, and a Doctor of non-descript name, nebulous ethnicity, and shadowy credentials.

After having blood drawn, an IV inserted, my clothes removed, and a vitals monitor attached to me, by the uber-sweet and lovely RN nurse, I was then given an X-Ray, a Flu swab, some kick ass pain killer, a CT Scan, and two ultra sounds.

During my in and outs of getting these procedures done, a sick guy, accompanied by his wife/old lady/drinking and meth partner (who we’ll call Candy) was placed into the ER cubicle next to mine.

He was in pain and was audibly moaning due to a malt liquor induced flare up of pancreatitis. The dude was hurting.

Anyhoo…After he was placed on the bed and initially looked over by the Doc and the nurse, Candy decided that she was hungry.

She left and shortly came back with a bowl of chili, a sleeve of Saltines, and a Big Slam Mountain Dew.

Through my quasi-coherent, dilaudid induced state, his moaning dissipated, and all that Schmoop or I could hear, was the slurping of chili, the crunch of crackers, and the post-intake belching of Mountain Dew.

Candy, who was not large, was packing her victuals away with rapidity and avarice. And…what is lunch in the ER without an afternoon matinee? She flipped on the TV and began to watch, He’s Just Not That Into You.

She began commenting on the players while her mouth was stuffed with chili and crackers.

Although I couldn’t see them, I could picture the chili colored cracker pieces shooting from her pie hole onto the face of her moaning boyfriend lying helpless on the bed.

The doctor came back to check on the guy, at which time Candy left yet again and returned bearing gastronomical goodies such as a Hershey Bar, some kind of juice, and a bag of Cheetos. The feasting and the movie critiquing continued.

The guy? He continued to lay there uttering his discomfort in much the same way Peter Boyle did when Gene Hackman poured hot soup onto his crotch in the movie, Young Frankenstein.

Funny thing about the sound of the Cheetos…I never heard the bag rumple. I only heard a continuous, unabated crunching noise. It was as if this chick was a saber tooth tiger gnawing on one huge ass Pleistocene period Cheeto!!

She stated, after her secondary feast, that she had to go to the bathroom. He moaned, “whatever”. While she was gone, the guy was administered pain relief and after medical advice was told that he was free to go.

Upon her return, she came bearing more gifts. She said to him…”I brought you some soup, and I got myself on of these dinners.”

He painfully mumbled, “They told me I can leave now.” And Candy responded…

“Well hold on. I’ll eat my dinner real quick. The movie is almost over anyway. We’ll take your soup home.”

Upon hearing this, I looked at Schmoop. She was looking down at the floor and shaking her head in disbelief.

It was at this point that my selflessness once again reared its magnanimous head, for I thought to myself…

I don’t care how much pain and discomfort I may endure over the coming days, it will never rival the pain that Pancreas Boy will be suffering over his coming days. Be he in good health or poor.

Cheers!!

38 comments:

katherine. said...

bed 17 sounds like stalag 17 with a floor show

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Ha. I'm just glad that I could ony hear what was going on. And I dig it when I need not have to embellish a story. The entire event was so sublime. Cheers Kat!!

David said...

I just knew that, even through the pain, you would be accumulating interesting tales from your people-watching that you would tell in fascinating ways. Also, any tale that includes the word victuals has to be worth reading.

About the questionable credentials of the doctor, they gave you not one but two ultrasounds? Did they really suspect that your problem was complications from an unplanned pregnancy? This would not inspire confidence.

Glad you are home and improving but really I'm selfishly glad you are blogging again.

Cheers Matt-Man

Matt-Man said...

David: Using my mind to think was the only activity that didn't cause me pain while I was in there.

Ha. I usually speel it "vittles" so people know what I am talking about, but victuals is a cool word.

The Ultra Sounds were just to check my organs and to check my legs to assess clot risk. More on that later.

Glad to be home and thanks for all of the kind words my friend. Cheers David!!

Jay said...

That was the best restaurant that girl had been to in years. She could have let her old man go home and just come over and hung out with you and Schmoop.

3 Men and a Lady said...

Lol, I love it that you used "victuals".

And Candy sounds like a classy lady ;-)

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...sometimes I crave a Cheeto that big...

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. I said the same thing to myself...I think she thought she was living large!! Schmoop's not into violence however if Candy had invaded our space I think she would have stuck her with a used syringe. Cheers Jay!!

Lady: Ha. Candy was HAWT!! I mean, if one is into circus freaks. Cheers D!!

David said...

Vittles is fine if you are discussing the Beverly Hillbillies but, when you are reflecting on the people of the upper crust like Candy and Pancreas Boy, victuals is the preferred spelling. :-)

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: HA. Thank you for my first laugh out loud since my return. Cheers P-Man!!

Matt-Man said...

David: I guess you're right. After all, she does know her cinema. Cheers David!!

Micky-T said...

Poor Schmoop, it must have been very hard for her that first day.

"what the fuck is this place?"

Matt-Man said...

Micky: I thought it would be worse on her. She acted quite well and like a trooper. She was just dandy. Cheers Mick!!

Bond said...

OK, so can we add up all the costs associated with your week-long hospital stay and then work up the costs of some antibiotics the doctor would have given you if yot had visited him that first few days and decide which course of action was more damaging to the health care system?


OH and welcome home laddie...

Matt-Man said...

Bond: I am going to add everyting up.

And really, you shouldn't assume the timelines or causes of my afflictionS. Nor the cost, time of stay or anything else. I was actually quite on the money with my diagnosis. Of course, I sit here now, unable to get the scrips that I need. More on that as it develops. Cheers Vin!!

Desert Rat said...

Classic ER experience. My hospital is within walking distance, too, and I've actually gone over there to the Starbucks wagon in the lobby 'cause it's the closest one to my house! ha!

You are a laugh riot and I am SO glad you're back at home. Hope you're feeling better, too!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha. I may be a laugh riot at times, but there was nothing that I needed to do on this post other than repeat what I heard.

I'm feeling better, but now I am having problems getting my prescriptions one of which I am past due on for the day. My humor is waning. Cheers Rat!!

Lu' said...

Although I couldn’t see them, I could picture the chili colored crackers pieces shooting from her pie hole onto the face of her moaning boyfriend lying helpless on the bed. HA HA HA ! and ick :) I had pancreatitis and was hospitalized for a week. Mucho painful. Not booze induced although they kept asking how much I drank. I told them unless a couple drinks a month constitutes drinking alot then that was NOT the cause. Turned out to be caused by a gallstone blockage.


Hey Phfrankie they now make the humungus Cheetos and they really aren't that good.

Hey mr. Cotter, welcome back :)

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Hee Hee...I heard alot of sexy gall bladder banter going on between the Doc and the guy. It's good to be back adorable one. Cheers Lu!!

Four Dinners said...

hahahaha....it makes a trip to hospital almost worthwhile...I was in a tear or so back with a suspected heart attack and the guy in the next bed tried to climb out of the window - we were 8 floors up. Me an a gorgeous little Phillipino nurse hung on to him for grim death - he was a very big bloke - until security arrived. Rochelle gave me a very nice bed bath later that night...;-)

Matt-Man said...

Four: Ha. Very Good. I would have love to have seen that taking place. I hope the Rochelle bath was worth the strain. I can't imagine it not being so. Here's to ya, Four...and Cheers!!

Schmoop said...

Everything described is completely true! Sad, but true. Although I think she did end up with ice cream too! I think that's where I got my cold!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: I forgot about the Ice Cream...I think I blocked that out because I was thinking it was a cup of frozen yeast infection. Cheers and Zoves Schmoop!!

irene said...

Thank God your alive and well!
Thanks for the Candy story I was greatly amused and not at all surprised that someone like that exist.I hope you continue to have good health.

Irene

Candice said...

Welcome to my world.

Except usually they are hounding the nurse for something to drink, then something to eat, then a napkin, Oh, and can I get a straw? Then a spoon, then something else to eat, like maybe some jello or ice cream?

Cause you know, the ER is a fucking restaurant after all. ;)

Glad you're back!

David said...

>>>a cup of frozen yeast infection.

:-) :-) :-)

I need that laugh today.

Micky-T said...

a cup of frozen yeast infection

Bwaha bbaarrff..........

Matt-Man said...

Irene: Thanks very much for the comment. As I know you not one who comments frequently, it makes me quite happy to see your words. Cheers to you and your family!!

Candice: I knew that you might appreciate this post, and I think I have a few more hospital related stories that may amuse and/or sicken you in the future. Cheers Candice!!

David: I callz em as I seez em...Cheers David!!

VE said...

Only you can get sick and come away with a sublime story from the experience...

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha. There was no other way to describe it. Cheers Mick!!

Matt-Man said...

VE: Ha...I think we both know better than that funny man. I am sure you have plenty real life stories that are quite sublime. Cheers VE!!

Marilyn said...

You took notes? There's no way I would remember the details after an ordeal like that without notes and I can't see myself taking notes in the ER.

Michele said...

Every time I've ever been to the ER there is a Pancreas Boy and Mountain Dew Bitch. They breed like rabbits you know.

Dianne said...

it's good to look at those around us and realize how we're not nearly as fucked up as we think we are

can't get the scrips you need to stay healthy? now that sounds like the healthcare system I'm used to

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: As much pain that I was in, I always kept a memory of what was going on. Cheers Marilyn!!

Michele: Ha. I know and Schmoop and I had a discussion about how we hoped it wouldn't this time. I can see disappointment in our future. Cheers Michele!!

Dianne: I think it will be taken care of early in the morning tomorrow. If so, I'll be calling your ass tomorrow. Cheers Di!!

Vodka Mom said...

wait, you were in the ER???????

I feel like Rip Van Vodka.


where have I been??

Hope all is well.

Starrlight said...

I've had pancreatitis. Twice. He wouldn't have been sent home. That shit was worse than childbirth. NOT FUN.

Matt-Man said...

Vodka: Yes ma'am. I was laid up for a week. Not go back to sleep Rip. Cheers VM!!

Starr: Well they shot him up and sent him home...My take was that he was somewhat of a regular. Cheers Starr!!