It's a Hemingway Kind of Day

There is absolutely nothing going on in the news that hasn’t already been covered to death.

Sunday night I was trying to find something new to write about for today before I get back into the Bagwine Holiday theme, but damn…

Nothing.

Tiger Woods now has naked photos of him and his hardware floating around somewhere and stories of his implosion continue, but eh, I’m bored with Tiger-Gate. It reads like a Hemingway novel.

“Tiger finds a new hot chick. He sticks his dick in her. It feels good. Elin cries.”

--Ernest Hemingway, “For Whom the 24/7 Cable News Networks Toll”

I could write further about the Health Care debate. Ha Ha Ha. Oh Baby, now there’s a real pick me up laugh riot for a Monday morning. Zzzzzzzzzzz.

How about Afghanistan? Ummmmm, no. Not a whole lot of humor in that one either; on top of that, the subject matter is once again reminiscent of Hemingway.

I guess I could discuss the highlights of the weekend Schmoop and I had, but if you read yesterday’s post you already know it was when we talked to Jay.

Well, that, and the Hamburger Helper we had Saturday night. Great Googly Moogly it was good. There a handful of things both Schmoop and I wouldn’t mind if we had to eat everyday, and Hamburger Helper is one of them.

Scoff if you will, you food snobs out there…we love it.

I checked the news again as I am typing this. Still nothing exciting.

If only it was found out that Tiger also had sex with a man or some deaf chick confined to a wheelchair. That would re-pique my interest, but alas…

Oh well, I guess I’ll just call it a post and resume the Christmas, Muslim New Year, and Kwanzaa crap tomorrow.

I guess even stupidity in the news takes a day off sometimes, and this happens to be one of those times.

C’mon America…Don’t let my faith in your ability to do wacky and senseless things wane. Get your stupid on.

Cheers!!

Suck It...Just Suck It

I have a problem. Yes, I know, many of you have thought that already, but here’s the thing…

I need some pretty damn powerful antibiotics, and my paperwork is askew, so I am not getting them and have missed a dose or two.

Hopefully, that will be rectified by 10 A.M. on Wednesday. I can deal with that.

Here’s my bigger problem…

Many of you have been so kind with your e-cards, phone calls, emails, and offers of sex once I get well, that I am overwhelmed.

I am overjoyed by your outpouring of good will and sense of decency as it relates to caring for a fellow human being. In my case…me.

However, between Friday and Tuesday night, my situation has also brought out the worst in some people. It is that fact that I’d like to touch upon, illuminate, and forever get out of the way.

Friday night I received in hospital room a call from a woman (who could be a sister) asking how I was doing. I said, “I’m getting better, but wished I was outta here.”

After that remark, I was full frontally attacked by words that echoed the phrases,

“Why didn’t you call me? Are you too good for me? You told everyone else. Oh just never mind….click.”

Nice.

The truth is, is that when I went into the hospital, I called my brother Marty (a day later), and no one else. Between Schmoop posting and calls from Marty to others, no one was notified by me. Oh well…I’ll live with my selfishness.

But eh, that kinda thing is family and is easily dealt with. However, here’s the kicker to all of this…

Late Sunday afternoon, Ryno came up to the hospital with his mom. For two minutes, it was fun. I was seeing my son and I was happy.

She commented on how nice it has been because I work on the house, tutor Ryno, and am always around should she or Ryno need me.

And then…

Ryno’s mom said, “Does that chest tube stretch far enough for you to go to the bank?” Once again…nice.

A mixture of sadness, humiliation, and anger overcame me. They stayed for about 20 minutes after that, but I couldn’t be myself. I was hurt.

There was no money. There was no check. And she knew it, but she wanted the 59% of my take home pay that I always give her.

Monday night I got released…late. Evidently my son called ten minutes after I got discharged. I hadn’t call him because I knew that he had B-Ball practice.

Yesterday, I got verbally trashed by Ryno’s mom because I didn’t call (although I called him at 7 A.M. Tuesday morning) and let him know that I was out.

I called Ryno’s mom Tuesday night in order to voice my displeasure over her “anger”. She went on a rant about what a jerk and whore that I am.

Whatever…I can take slurs against me that are not true…But what gets me is that we have been getting along so well for so long. So why the change?

It’s because of the money that she won’t be getting for two weeks…I told her that, and yet, she claims that she is hurt for Ryno.

What a crock, what a liar, and what a coward she be.

If you truly hate me; tell me such. It’s not like we haven’t done that to each other before.

Of course, we were married then, and there was no win or lose. Today, you are worried about what you can get…and me?

I’m more concerned about who I can make happy.

Cheers and Suck It!!

I Now Have My Drugzzzzzz. Yippee!!

Dispatches From the Hospital: Emergency Room Picnic

Eight days ago, Schmoop walked me over to the Emergency Room of the hospital across the street from us in order for me to be treated for my burgeoning pulmonary infection.

I was checked-in at the ER desk and oddly and fortunately enough, I was admitted to an ER bed within 15-20 minutes.

I was placed under the care of an incredibly cute Jennifer Love Hewitt looking nurse, and a Doctor of non-descript name, nebulous ethnicity, and shadowy credentials.

After having blood drawn, an IV inserted, my clothes removed, and a vitals monitor attached to me, by the uber-sweet and lovely RN nurse, I was then given an X-Ray, a Flu swab, some kick ass pain killer, a CT Scan, and two ultra sounds.

During my in and outs of getting these procedures done, a sick guy, accompanied by his wife/old lady/drinking and meth partner (who we’ll call Candy) was placed into the ER cubicle next to mine.

He was in pain and was audibly moaning due to a malt liquor induced flare up of pancreatitis. The dude was hurting.

Anyhoo…After he was placed on the bed and initially looked over by the Doc and the nurse, Candy decided that she was hungry.

She left and shortly came back with a bowl of chili, a sleeve of Saltines, and a Big Slam Mountain Dew.

Through my quasi-coherent, dilaudid induced state, his moaning dissipated, and all that Schmoop or I could hear, was the slurping of chili, the crunch of crackers, and the post-intake belching of Mountain Dew.

Candy, who was not large, was packing her victuals away with rapidity and avarice. And…what is lunch in the ER without an afternoon matinee? She flipped on the TV and began to watch, He’s Just Not That Into You.

She began commenting on the players while her mouth was stuffed with chili and crackers.

Although I couldn’t see them, I could picture the chili colored cracker pieces shooting from her pie hole onto the face of her moaning boyfriend lying helpless on the bed.

The doctor came back to check on the guy, at which time Candy left yet again and returned bearing gastronomical goodies such as a Hershey Bar, some kind of juice, and a bag of Cheetos. The feasting and the movie critiquing continued.

The guy? He continued to lay there uttering his discomfort in much the same way Peter Boyle did when Gene Hackman poured hot soup onto his crotch in the movie, Young Frankenstein.

Funny thing about the sound of the Cheetos…I never heard the bag rumple. I only heard a continuous, unabated crunching noise. It was as if this chick was a saber tooth tiger gnawing on one huge ass Pleistocene period Cheeto!!

She stated, after her secondary feast, that she had to go to the bathroom. He moaned, “whatever”. While she was gone, the guy was administered pain relief and after medical advice was told that he was free to go.

Upon her return, she came bearing more gifts. She said to him…”I brought you some soup, and I got myself on of these dinners.”

He painfully mumbled, “They told me I can leave now.” And Candy responded…

“Well hold on. I’ll eat my dinner real quick. The movie is almost over anyway. We’ll take your soup home.”

Upon hearing this, I looked at Schmoop. She was looking down at the floor and shaking her head in disbelief.

It was at this point that my selflessness once again reared its magnanimous head, for I thought to myself…

I don’t care how much pain and discomfort I may endure over the coming days, it will never rival the pain that Pancreas Boy will be suffering over his coming days. Be he in good health or poor.

Cheers!!

When Obama Addresses Congress On Health Care Tonight, He Should Just Say...

Tonight, President Obama will jump from the frying pan of indoctrinating our school children into the fire of addressing the self-serving members of our United States Congress on the issue of Health Care Reform.

Sheesh…Being President of the United States is a busy job. How the hell Bill Clinton worked hosing a moist mouthed Jewish chick into his schedule leaves me baffled…and in awe. Anyhoo…

Tonight, Obama will announce his plan for Health Care Reform. At long last legislation, we will finally know what Obamacare means.

I already know what it means…it means he’s too late.

Any substantive Health Care Reform taking place is a dead horse, and there’s no health care in the world that can resuscitate it. Cut it up. Cook it up. And ship it off to Taco Bell for use in their burritos.

Obama let the 3,000 different plans proposed by his fellow Democrats, and the paranoia inducing rhetoric by the Republicans leave us once again with no significant reform in regards to health care.

Late Tuesday, Sen. Max “They Were Filming Me With You Tubes” Baucus (D-MT) claims that his “Gang of Six” are close to ironing out a deal on Health Care Reform that may pass both houses of Congress.

The deal thus far, does not include a Public Option. It isn’t Universal Health Care. It calls for fines for up to $3,800 on people who do not buy health insurance.

Man, that is some serious reform. Let’s see…If I don’t by insurance, I’ll be fined. There is no cost-contained government plan available. So, from whom do I purchase health coverage in order to avoid any fines? D’oh!! The fucking, pre-existing insurance companies!!

The butcher, baker, and candlestick maker in Ohio can’t get coverage on pre-existing conditions, but by God, the health insurance companies not only get covered, with this proposal, they get additional coverage in the form of millions of new premiums.

Fan-Damn-Tastic!! Brilliant!! Praise the Lord, and Pass the Aetna Profits!! Here’s a free gall bladder removal for ya, Senator Baucus.

You know…I hear that Obama is going to push for Public Option during his joint address to Congress. It ain’t gonna happen Mr. President.

If I was President Obama, tonight I would give a simple five word address to Congress. It would be as follows:

“Fuck it…just fuck it.”

If Obama said that, he would earn respect from millions of Americans. His poll numbers currently swimming around 52%, would shoot into the 60’s. Many members of Congress would consider him a hero.

Because of his plain language and straight talk? No.

Because with that five word statement he would be demonstrating his desire to do nothing.

He would be letting Americans know that we will as a nation continue the traditions of out of control health care costs, millions of uninsured Americans, and putting profits before patients.

Americans like tradition. Tradition gives one the warmth of familiarity, and the status quo is like a comfortable pair shoes.

When Obama announced his dream of reforming the economy draining American health care system, he wasn’t merely dreaming. To many Americans, he was forcing them to try on a new pair shoes.

Americans don’t like that. They like walking around in the same pair that they are used to.

So President Obama, you too have finally learned the lesson as so many Presidents before you have…

The bigger your dreams…The larger your plans…The more grand your vision for this country, the worse your poll numbers get.

You see...

Many Americans and their elected representatives have a hard time dreaming big…especially when they are walking around in their comfortable shoes.

Cheers!!

Government 101: Democrats, Republicans, and Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III

As Obama and the House and Senate are set to return to their jobs after the upcoming Labor Day Weekend, a few thoughts came to my mind in regards as to what troubles our nation.

President Obama, after defeating John McCain took his victory as a mandate for all things Obama.

Many Democrats in the House and Senate saw his victory as an exclamation point on the gains that they had made in Congress during the 2006 and 2008 elections, and in concert with President Obama decided to remake America in their image.

The Republicans?

They want to do nothing…well, other than to instill images of Death Panels, terrorist attacks, and gay married people running amok, into the minds of paranoid Americans.

As soon as Obama assumed office, Congress passed the ginormous stimulus plan in order to feed some financial lithium to an American economy on the edge of deep depression.

I get that.

It was an expensive proposition, but I think that in 9-12 months, the benefits of the stimulus package will begin to pay off for our economy, and even the job numbers, which typically lag behind an economic upswing, will see considerable improvement.

But, after that…

Obama decided to reform our health care system…As our nation’s health care costs are exploding, eating up 1/6th of our economy, and millions go uninsured, it is an admirable goal.

Cost containment, portability, and affordability are issues that must be dealt with.

However, Obama and the Democrats should have limited their reformation of health care to those three health care issues. What’s not to like about those goals? Nothing.

But noooooo, they had to go and push for a complete overhaul while Americans are already nervous about the economy. Boneheads.

On the other side of the aisle?

Republicans want nothing done on this issue, because even those three issues smack of a slap in the face to the free market system and are fascistic, Stalinistic, and any other fearful “istic” phrase they can think of.

The Dems went a bridge too far, and the Republicans want no bridges built at all. Unless, of course, it’s a bridge to nowhere.

On top of that?

The Dems and the Obama administration are pushing for a new energy program, torture investigations, and a dozen other agenda items including repealing the Defense of Marriage Act.

Seriously, the Dems should have kept it simple until the economy turned around and people weren’t bombarded by proposals of change upon change while many Americans are unsure if their job or house will be there tomorrow.

Dems, you should have listened to the Richard Dreyfuss character from “What About Bob” and said to yourselves, “baby steps.”

Republicans, you need to get off your asses and offer counter-proposals…

Quit thinking that change is not needed and saying much like Voltaire’s character, Pangloss from Candide, “This is the best of all possible worlds.”

It’s not. And, I’m sure your tea baggers and town hall meeting naybobs don’t know who the hell Voltaire is anyway.

When I think of our government lately, I think of M*A*S*H. I remember Charles Winchester saying after his first session of surgery saying, “I do one thing. I do it very well, and then I move on.”

Either Hawkeye or BJ replies by saying something like, “Charles, this is meatball surgery. You patch them up and send them on.”

The meatball surgery idea is fine when you are close to a war front, because the wounded in M*A*S*H were sent on to an Evac hospital to be fully healed.

This nation has no Evac hospital. We need to focus on one thing at a time, do it very well, and then move on.

Of course, while Winchester had the right idea as to how to do something, Hawkeye had the right perspective.

Hawkeye was concerned about the patient, Winchester was more concerned about his own reputation.

America is the patient and needs a doctor like Hawkeye AND Winchester without the reputation and reelection seeking habit of Charles...

I doubt that that can happen...

Maybe it was Plato who was right…We need a Philosopher King. We need an Enlightened Absolutist.

What he have now, sure as hell isn’t working.

Cheers!!

While America Sleeps...In Death, Ted Kennedy's Dream Is Realized

Unless you live under a rock, you now know that Sen. Edward M. Kennedy has died. Yep, Ted Kennedy has gone to that great open bar in the sky.

His passing brings many things to mind for me. Not the tragedy involving Mary Jo Kopechne. Not the flaws in his personal life. Not the bitter and sorrowful thread that weaved its way through his family.

After experiencing sadness upon the knowledge of his death on a personal, and human level, I was struck by something that my ex said.

I called the house Wednesday morning to talk to Ryno, and while waiting for him to pick up the phone I asked his mom if she had heard about Ted Kennedy.

She told me yes and that it was sad, and then went on to say something that somewhat surprised me.

She said, “What will we do now? I mean, all of the great ones are passing away and we have to rely on the current and next generation of politicians? God help us.”

Allow me to put her comment in context. The statement is coming from a person who is hardly a Liberal. Hell, she voted for McCain, and if anything, she is center right…a moderate at most.

Upon hearing her say that, my head cocked, my eyebrows peaked, and for a second, my mind went blank. I couldn’t answer her question. But her statement did proffer more questions…and thoughts.

Why, outside of the Kopechne death, was he hated and loved with such fervor? It finally dawned on me. He was a tireless, tenacious, legislator who clung to, and pushed forward his ideas of what the country should be.

He had a major hand in the writing and passage of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, COBRA, Title IX, The ADA, No Child Left Behind, and of course, had been doggedly promoting Health Care for all for decades.

Kennedy was both loved and hated because he was continually offering up change. When legislation is proposed that may alter the lives of Americans, love and hate for the idea grows quickly and exponentially. But…

Unlike most Americans, Sen. Kennedy never shied away from his ideals or feared changed. He was proud of what he thought, and he passionately championed each cause and more importantly each person in which he believed.

He…was…a…statesman. And as I look to the House and Senate today, I don’t know of anyone who has enough passion or gravitas to carry Kennedy’s bucket full of scotch laced piss. Sad.

I’m not saying that I want someone with whom I agree to follow the ideology of Kennedy.

I am trying to find someone who demonstrates leadership…a legislator who is unafraid of speaking loudly and strongly…A legislator who still has a fire in his or her belly.

Where is the next Henry Clay? The next Daniel Webster? The next Robert LaFollette and yes, the next Edward Kennedy?

I don’t see it coming from the Senators or House members who currently hold office. Hell, other than your own Senators and a handful of others, can you name the U.S. Senators? Only a few can, and you know why?

They don’t do anything outstanding or push the envelope of thought, oratory, and legislation to the edge.

Instead, our Senators and even more so our congressmen and women are more concerned about introducing bills concerning flag burning, defining what marriage is, and asking for an official resolution of apology because someone they know got their feelings hurt.

Fuck em…

Of course, their inane inertia is not entirely their fault. The issues I mentioned are exactly what riles up their constituents, their poll numbers, and more importantly their donors.

We are as much to blame for having no giants among men in our Congress. We don’t want giants. We are quite happy with like-mindedness and mediocrity. It makes us feel safe.

People like Ted Kennedy and others, who dare to challenge our values, ideas, and put an itch onto the left ass cheek of our comfort zone are unwelcome.

I feel sorry for us, but I am happy for Sen. Kennedy. Finally, after his years of struggle, toil, and effort, he is at peace.

He dwells in a place where social equality is the rule, no mouths go unfed, and there is health care for all.

In death, his dream did not die with him…It was realized.

Cheers!!

Liberal, Conservative, Moderate...Kierkegaard Was Right: When You Label Me, You Negate Me

In full disclosure…I am still a registered Democrat, but I have something to say…

This entire Health Care “debate” thing has left me laughing as much as it has left me shaking my head.

I watch the news, video of morons shouting down legislators, and chicks telling Barney Frank that Obama wants to bring Nazism to America, and I say to myself…

When did Americans get so fucking stupid? This entire “debate” also made me think of something else…

Politically, where do I lie…?

Am I a Liberal, a Conservative, or a Moderate?

And…What do those terms mean? Because seriously, how can I know what I am, if I am not exactly sure what those labels mean?

I guess being a Democrat, that pulls me towards the Liberal bent as far as being in favor of such things as gay marriage, a woman’s right to choose an abortion, and health care for all.

On the other hand...

I wonder why gay people want to be recognized as being married when that term is a religious term, government shouldn’t pay for your mistake, and why can’t a person just live well?

I have a typical Conservative Republican streak as well….

I am all for spending anything and everything on the military (I’m a military historian for God’s sake). I don’t want a government health plan that tells me what services I can get and not get.

And, while not an NRA member, I am all for the Second Amendment.

However…

While I am all for spending dollars on the military; I am not into taking on stupid, non-sensical expeditions into militarily flaccid Persian countries. I like a strong military for defense…for defense of THIS country.

As for the government health plan…Why not put the funding mechanism within the hands of the government rather than in the greedy hands of a for-profit private company?

You can talk all about what government health care will “let you have”, HMO’s already dictate that, so what’s the difference? Why not save yourself some money?

As for those of you Second Amendment whackos…Hell yeah, if you want a gun, that’s great…Have at it. However…

I think that there should be control on automatic weapons…After all, when the Second Amendment was written, firearm technology was based on the flintlock.

It’s kinda hard to rob a store when you miss the attendant and have to re-load. With a flintlock pistol, it takes you thirty seconds to re-load your gun, as said attendant is bashing in your head with a baseball bat.

Which leads me to something else…

I hear many, simple-minded people say, “The Constitution is what it is. It is NOT a living breathing document; quit trying to change it.”

Can anyone prove folks wrong on this? I have questions on this, dammit. Anyhoo…

Do you guys think of yourselves as one or the other as far as your political trend, or are you labeled as something you don’t think is quite accurate?

Just wanna know…

As for me?

I dont' know if I am a Liberal, a Conservative, or a Moderate, but I do know one thing...

I'm Matt-Man, Bitch!! And I can dig that.

As for the pictures? I had nothing that went along with this post, so I thought I’d post some old pictures of me half naked.

Cheers!!

Hodgepodge and Health Care Protestors

I’m feeling nervous…not necessarily a bad, doom-ridden nervous, but rather more of an anxious feeling.

That sensation is preventing me from focusing on any one thing, so…

Today’s treatise is a bit of hodgepodge…an olio…a potpourri, a veritable vichyssoise of somewhat random thoughts.

This day in 1945 was not only the day the first A-Bomb was dropped but also the day that my mom and dad were married.

If they were still with us, they would be celebrating their 64th Wedding Anniversary today. But alas, they are celebrating this day in Heaven.

My mom is undoubtedly playing cards with her friends...Picture a dozen blue haired ladies engaged in a vicious card game to see who will walk away with the grand prize of a $3.50 pine scented candle bought at the check out line of the grocery store.

My dad? He is laying on a long, heavenly couch watching re-runs of Mr. Ed, Hogan’s Heroes, or The Andy Griffith Show.

And in heaven, my dad is happy because they don’t show the Andy Griffith episodes in which the main story revolves around Opie or Aunt Bee. Oh, how he loathed those particular episodes.

I have no idea why, but the following things turn me on when worn by a woman:

A pony tail, especially when it sticks out of the back of a baseball cap. Thumb rings, no idea why. Ankle bracelets. Schmoop has one.

It’s quite plain, but seeing her wearing it, makes me hot. Glasses…A chick in glasses makes me weak in the knees. Schmoop should wear hers more.

A lady came through the Beer Mine last night. She was kinda cute but it was the perfume she was wearing that caught my attention. I wanted to ask her what it was so I could get some for Schmoop.

I didn’t ask her because I figured she would think that I was coming on to her and/or was some kind of creep. I think it’s sad that I had to even consider that scenario, but society has made people uptight.

See that picture of me?

On my forehead is a check that I just received from a company for embedding a link to their company within my June 10th post about the guy in Ohio who was arrested for parading around in a woman’s swimsuit.

It’s not a big check, but I thought it was cool.

They sought me out because they liked my writing. It was out of the blue and I initiated nothing. I can dig that. 10-20 of those a month and Schmoop and I would be quite happy.

I’m hanging out with Ryno this morning. We may drive some golf balls, hit the batting cages, or fish.

Whatever we do, I’ll have to feed the boy, and I may spring for Taco Bell for Schmoop and I tonight. Man, that aforementioned check went quickly.

Lastly…

A word from me to all of the Town Hall Meeting Health Care protestors. Quit being loud-mouthed assholes. You come off as senseless morons.

If you want to debate government health care, learn what proposals are out there and debate them on the merits.

Or, if you want to protest with the volume turned up, could you be funny about it? I like creative humor. I’m a propagandist for gods sakes, and like the protestors I have seen, not a policy wonk.

In fact, when government types are discussing health care or environmental policies and proposals, my eyes glaze over and I begin to drool white spittle from the corners of my mouth. You know, like Larry King does every night.

I beg of all of you Anti-Government Health Care Town Hall Meeting Maniacs, either be smart or be funny…but please, take your dunce cap off, quit shouting and start showing a modicum of respect for others, and by all means…

Since many of you wacky protestors I have seen appear to be getting along in age, make sure to write your representative and tell him/her you no longer want to receive Medicare, VA care, or the electro-shock therapy you so desperately need.

Cheers!!

Obama's Health Care Plan...Matt-Man To The Resuce!!

Time is drawing nigh to when the United States Congress breaks for their summer hiatus.

It’s a time when our Reps and Senators go back home for awhile to relax, launder money, and have steamy adulterous sex with hot, buxom constituents and/or young boys.

It’s a welcome respite for our tireless Federal legislators and affords them the opportunity to undress and decompress.

Sadly, it appears that a bill to overhaul and reform our Health Care system will not come to fruition before those in power leave D.C. for the rest of the summer.

While they may work on getting something worked out this week, it is doubtful that Republicans and Democrats will be able to iron out a workable bill before they leave…
Or anytime in the future for that matter.

Being the patriot that I am and wanting to see medical costs kept under control, I have a few suggestions on ways to fix the Health Care problem in our country.

We could fix Health Care by changing our Constitution. An amendment saying that all folks must be provided health care, you ask? Nooooooooo.

We change the Constitution by nullifying part of the First Amendment and establish a State religion. That religion? The Church of Christ, Scientist. Brilliant, no?

We can all be required to become Christian Scientist followers. Not only does it remove nearly 15-20% of our nation’s GDP expenditures due to health care costs, it sends a big ol’ Fuck You to the pharmaceutical companies. Amen.

Okay, so you don’t like tampering with the Constitution. I understand. How about this?

We start an initiative to weed out the medical doctors of the secular, scientific world and encourage the youth of America to attend Witch Doctor School.

Witch Doctors don’t require expensive designer drugs to treat ailments. They utilize naturally occurring medica materia such as an eye of newt, cobra piss, or the entrails of Rosie O’Donnell.

And, they rarely want payment in cash. They’ll just ask you for your soul, your left ear, or the right to feast on the afterbirth of your first born.

I think we can all afford that, don’t you? Yeah, you’re right…Evangelicals would have a problem with such a dark and anti-Jeebus solution.

Well, let’s see…I do have an idea that would at least help to alleviate the situation. It’s an idea that I came up with back in 2007.

This idea blends the need to cover those who can’t afford Health Insurance and the fascination of Americans with TV reality shows.

The name of the show? Guess My Malady!!

Three contestants will be pitted against each other in a fast paced game of medical observation.

The participants will watch live video of actual bed-ridden hospital patients, and try to determine from the video what their affliction might be.

The patients who get diagnosed correctly will get free medical coverage for their illness. And the contestants who correctly diagnose the afflicted?

Those who are first to correctly chime in with say, "cancer, stroke, or persistent vegetative state", win the opportunity to spin the “Wheel of Schiavo” for fantastic amounts of cash and prizes.

It’s a win-win for all involved.

Sure…This game show wouldn’t help vast amounts of people, but what the hell…

With that kind of entertainment on TV, it will allow tens of millions of fixated American viewers to go back to ignoring the health care crisis for another couple of decades.

Cheers!!

P.S. I am working during the day today, so you chuckleheads play nice. Okay?

Matt-Man: Representin'

Tonight, Barack “He’s a Terrorist” Obama and John “Early Bird Special” McCain will hold their second debate.

The battle royale takes place at Belmont University in Nashville, TN.

I refer to this oratorical smack down event as, The Music City Mutterings.

They will get to speak their peace (or is that, piece) tonight, so I thought I would take this time to speak mine.

Here is my position on Health Care that I would enact if elected to govern this nation.

The Matt-Man Health Care Initiative

Preventative, mental health, and medical care will be a right, and free to all Americans. How do I propose to pay for this expensive venture?

Simple…I will seek passage by Congress of a, Stupid Driver Tax.

Those who fail to merge correctly, don’t use their turn signals, pull out in front of other drivers and then go ten-fifteen mph below the posted speed limit will be taxed $20.00 per offense.

Even with that minor level of monetary taxation, that should be more than enough to cover the cost of my Health Care Plan.

Doctor’s visits?

From now on, the doctor will come to YOUR house to see you.

More importantly…the doctor will have to sit in your living room in the midst of sick, contagious people for at least ninety minutes prior to you coming out for your examination.

Breast and cervical exams will be provided by me, Matt-Man. I will fondle your fun bags with medical diligence.

As for the cervical exam, I will not use a cold, steely spatula…er…speculum. I will use the Matt-u-Lum; and I think we all know what that is.

President Matt-Man, at your cervix!!

For men, prostate exams, will be performed by the following…

For Liberals, Tyra Banks dressed in only thigh high stockings and a man’s dress shirt will be thrusting her digits up your ass.

For Moderates, it will be Jessica Alba sporting a bikini, who invades you.

For you Conservative dudes out there, your glory hole will be invaded courtesy of the fingers of Bea Arthur.

Sorry, no lubricant for you guys, and by the way, Maude will be in all her naked, octogenarian glory while checking you out.

As for the issue of stem cell research?

I will call for Dick Cheney to be dissected, his stems cells harvested, and we will find out what makes him such a major league asshole and correct the situation for generations to come.

Can you imagine a future without assholes? You're welcome.

Will I call for legalized medical marijuana? No. Why, you ask?

Because marijuana will be legal for anyone and everyone!!

Hey, just treat the stoners the same as drinkers when it comes to the law, tax their vice of choice the same, and Boo Yah!!…We’re makin’ money, America!!

What the hell, let’s take over financial control of the poppy crop in Afghanistan, and our nation can ride heroin production to financial freedom.

Take that OPEC and Red Fucking China!!!

So there you have some of my health care stances. I hope you find them insightful.

Enjoy the debate…or not. But one thing for sure…

Cheers!!

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