Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Thanksgiving Recipe: Football, Food, and Hold the Blathering

I am looking forward to this Thanksgiving more than any other in recent memory.

Why? Because I have become so fucking bored and addle-minded due to all of the political punditry, prognostication, and repetition of the same vapid crap on the cable “news” shows.

Thanksgiving will offer me a respite from all of this.

Health Care…Anymore, when an “in-the know” panel begins to discuss and debate Health Care reform, my eyes glaze over…my ass hole tightens…and the left side of my upper lip twitches.

I hope that if anything in this area does gets passed, that my syndrome will be covered.

But nothing substantial, if anything will get passed. And why should it? If there is nothing in any proposed bill to control costs, what’s the damn point?

I think my breaking point on this entire issue was when the Senate debated eight hours on a vote that would allow debate on the Senate bill.

And here I thought that our legislators were already there to debate such issues. Silly Matt-Man. Pffffft.

Sarah Palin…Oh Dear GAWD!! I can’t believe I am saying this, but…I am sick of hearing from and about Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin. I know, she is a source of comedy, but her empty-headedness has reached the point of the mundane.

She’s not going to be President. She’s not a force to be reckoned with. She’s a half-term iglooramus that is going to make a lot of money and have a talk show some day.

Good for her, now go make a made for TV movie of her life and show it on the Lifetime Network.

Lifetime could debut her movie right after a showing of the TV cinematic event…God’s Favorite Vegetable: The Terri Schiavo Story.

Ugh…It’s the same old shit. Climate change. I don’t really care. I mean, I want a clean, freely spinning on its axis Earth, but stop the moaning and gnashing of teeth folks. We’ll live to see another day.

And now? There’s the this whole Afghanistan thing. When will Obama make up his mind? When will he stop dithering? Pfffft. Who fucking cares?

Obama is taking his time on a strategy, good for him.

It is almost winter in Afghanistan and there isn’t going to be a whole helluva lot going on for a few months. Maybe his options suck because they all have us staying in Afghanistan for several years.

I say we buy up the poppy fields. Employ the Afghans to cultivate and harvest them and sell the crop to the pharmaceutical companies so they can produce all of the medicinal opiates that they need.

We take our cut, and the rest of the money can be used to build infrastructure, schools, and housing. On top of that, the unemployment rate in Afghanistan would be like 4%. That’s how you make people happy.

See? Unlike other talking heads…I have just defined victory in Afghanistan. Happy Afghans.

And please network talking heads…Quit saying that Obama, in order to decide our strategy, has convened his “war council”.

War Council? WTF?

Are we living in 14th Century England and Obama is King Edward III discussing plans for the Battle of Crécy?


Anyhoo. Thanksgiving will offer me the opportunity to eat, drink, and watch TV that will be devoid of all of this blathering for nearly four full days.

I am very much looking forward to all of the coverage of football, sappy family stories, and video of early morning shoppers storming the stores for Christmas bargains.

For that, I am truly thankful.



Sarah's # 8 non-fan said...

I hear you brother!

What has happened to this country now that everything is Reality TV.
Like one big giant soap.

We're WAY better than this!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...and how she'll fit an entire moose into her igloo for Thanksgiving is beyond me...

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Americans constantly watching reality TV is akin to Romans watching gladitorial contests and lion feeding. I see a trend. Cheers Mick!!

Phfrankie: She'll cut it up into little pieces. Cheers P-Man!!

Dana said...

I'm looking forward to just one thing this Thanksgiving. Turkey? No. ... DJ Lance Rock and the cast of Yo Gabba Gabba at Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: I HATE parades nearly as much as I hate clowns on their own. I have no idea why, but I LOATHE them. Cheers Dana!!

Doc said...

Yeah, I am looking forward to the video of crazy women beating each other over the heads with cabbage patch dolls too. (and that's at a Sarah Palin Book signing not even at Walmart on Black Friday) Screw off the top on another bottle for me too Matt-Man and enjoy T-Day (be thankful that Keith Olbermann doesn't host the Macy's parade - he's on every damn thing else) and I will catch you on the flip side!

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. Very good. I think Keith Olbermann's head and Lou Dobbs' body would make excellent Macy's T-Day Parade floats.

Have a wunnerful Thanksgiving Doc. Cheers!!

Dianne said...

'God's Favorite Vegetable' - priceless!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ha. Thank You. I liked that line myself. Cheers Di!!

Scott Oglesby said...

No, they don’t even sell spam over here. I’m just going to eat like it’s any other day and take it all out on the wife in Paris with the eating.

I loved the iglooramus, but I love your Afgan strategy so much more. The pharma companies would need an opiate expert over there then, maybe you could put in a good word for me since it was your plan that saved the day….

I’m sure you’ve seen this by now but if not…. http://www.mediaite.com/tv/the-earth-is-going-rogue-snls-palin-2012disaster-movie-parody/

I’m just shocked that SNL was able to do something funny again.

3 Men and a Lady said...

I also loved the SNL/2010 video. LOVED IT!!!

I can't wait until SP is no longer on the radar screen.

Jay said...

I love how the young female "features" reporter for the local TV station who has to stand out at the mall filing updates on how busy they are is the same chick who has to stand out front of the post office at midnight on April 15th to report on all the last minute tax filers.

Bond said...

No worries..I am still alive...

Enjoy your Thanksgiving...

Marilyn said...

Who's the guy Obama's about to kiss in the picture? I get my news mostly on the radio, so forgive me if I should really know.

David said...

I too love sitting comfortably at home on black Friday watching (smirking) TV coverage of idiots clamoring for crap.

iglooramus = a totally awesome word creation.

Happy T-day to you and Schmoop and Ryno and the rest of the clan.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Are you saying that you are going to eat your wife in Paris? Actually the opiate plan? Turkey does just that with quite a bit of Afghan poppies. Why not us? I did see the parody, fine job. Cheers to ya Scott!!

Lady: Yeah I'm ready for her to go. How many Palin jokes can one make? Cheers!!

Jay: Ha. Very True. I hope you guys are enjoying the holiday in the paradise that is Kansas. Cheers Funny Man!!

Michele said...

Have you seen the latest Newsweek? the cover is "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Sarah? She's Bad news for the GOP - and for Everyone else, too."

You must be feeling so much better. I can tell.

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Well that's good to know. Alive is good. Happy T-Day to you and Nancy. Cheers!!

Marilyn: His name is Keith Olbermann and he does a show on MSNBC. He is to the left what Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh are to the right. Cheers Marilyn!!

David: It is a bit of fun to watch. Thanks and a Happy Thanksgiving to you and your cadre of celebrants. Cheers David!!