TGJIAO: Thank God January Is Almost Over

Happy Friiiiiiday Chuckleheads!!

The best thing about this Friday?

It’s the last Friday of January. Thank God!!

January, once you get past New Year’s Day and the College Bowl games, is absolutely THE worst month of year.

It’s cold. It’s gray. It’s borrrrrrring.

Oy. Good riddance January, and take your time coming back.

I’m a little tired today because last night I was up until almost 2 AM. Jayman and I did our I’m With Stupid radio show and let me tell ya, it was a real hootin-annie.

The fun just wouldn’t stop.

First of all, I’m With Stupid’s new intern, little Jimmy Stewart was live in studio with me.

Little Jimmy even called into the show and in keeping with my switchboard acumen, I accidentally and abruptly hung up on him. But, let me tell ya…

Little Jimmy lives across the hall from us here in the Bagwine digs, so trust me, I know that it was for the best. The man is a menace to society and to himself.

Keith Olbermann introduced himself as I’m With Stupid’s newest correspondent, and I’d play his message for you now, but just as I inadvertently deleted Jimmy from the phone lines, I deleted Keith’s message from my inbox.

I do however, have IWS’s Dutch correspondent Guy Ahnyurdyck’s rebuttal to the hiring of Keith Olbermann:



(If the play button doesn’t work, click on the thingy where it says, twaudio)

Dour Mike called in and his lovely wife chimed in as well. Jay was his charming self, and fun was had by a handful thousands.

Oh I almost forgot…In addtion to the grandiose appearance of Keith Olbermann, I caught up with Dennis Miller and got an exclusive interview with him:



It’s Friday and January is almost over so, kick back and have a listen to all things I’m With Stupid related.

In fact, if you want to listen to the entire show (or just the first minute or two, please) you can do so by use of this handy dandy recording machine:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Have a great weekend all…Spend it getting laid and tying one on, ‘cause there’s nothing else to do until February gets here, but no worries, February is just around the corner.

Cheers!!

The State of the Stupid...What?

It’s been a day plus since President Obama has given his State of the Union address, and it has finally all soaked in.

I spent Wednesday listening to politicos and cable news pundits dissect it, praise it, trash it.

As typical, the pundits and talking heads missed the mark. They missed the target of Obama’s message and more importantly, the targeted audience.

I heard the 24/7 political soothsayers state that Obama failed to deliver specifics, and that his speech was flat because there wasn’t any jumping up and down amongst our elected representatives.

Hell, even the Tea Party designate, Michele “You Can See Me, But I Can’t See You” Bachmann who delivered a rebuttal, missed the point of Obama’s address.

This country is in a funk…a malaise…a decrepitude.

When Obama gave his speech Tuesday night, he didn’t give a speech of specifics, instead he painted a canvas full of colors of history, hope, and reminders.

Our nation is in trouble. There is no other way around that fact, and yet…

The President reminded us how we as Americans have in the past, pulled ourselves, collectively, out of messes in the past.

He’s right.

We as a nation are a group of morons both loveable and unlovable…but, when we are met with a national struggle, we rise above our individual idiocy and come together as one.

President Obama was asking that of us on Tuesday, and we need to do so…before it is too late. For if we continue to live and act apart from one and other, we will certainly slide like river silt into the ocean of has beens collectively.

He wasn’t trying to speak to policy wonks on the right or left…He was giving this country a pep talk. We need that, and I’m glad that he did. I liked it.

So, well…that’s all I have to say about that.

And now…Don’t Forget!!!

Jayman and I will be on the air tonight bringing you another award winning episode of I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio with our FOXy Black History Show!!

We will be talking about hot news babes, Black History Month, hot black chicks, the SOTU, and Keith Olbermann will be on board.

Our Dutch correspondent Guy Ahnyurdyck will be bitching, my OCD will be on display, and I’m sure Jay will toss something in that I don’t know about.

So please listen to Jayman and me at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid. You can also call in at 661.244.9852 and listen to us by going to our radio page by clicking HERE.

Until the wonder and excitement that is Friday…

Cheers!!

*I'd like to thank Curious Chris for the I'm With Stupid SOTU Cartoon!!

I'm With Stupid: FOXy Black History Month!!

Happy Hump Day, Bitches!!

Nothing exciting to impart to you today, except for the fact that tomorrow at 11 PM EST as always, I’m With Stupid will be live and in your face on Blog Talk Radio.

Damn right…

Thursday at 11 PM EST on I’m with Stupid Jayman and I will be discussing FOXy Black History Month!!

Jayman and I will be discussing our favorite hot news babes…

Previewing the upcoming Black History Month by giving a shout out to our fave mocha-cheena hotties…

Itsa gunna be HUGE!!

Keith Olbermann will be on hand with a histrionic Special Commentary.

Our Dutch correspondent Guy Ahnyurdyck will have a thing or two to say about Keith Olbermann, and…

I will be interviewing the love of my life…Tyra Banks...

We will have a new, Moment of Matt-Man’s OCD and maybe talk about my uber hot unemployment case worker.

All of that plus, HOPEFULLY YOUR PHONE CALLS at 661.244.9852!!

So, I hope you will listen and call in to, I’m With Stupid Thursday at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio.

You can access our show page by clicking HERE.

Have a wonderful day, and as always…

Cheers!!

Keith Olbermann Fired...Oh The Humannnnity!!

Friday marked the end of Countdown on MSNBC as Keith Olbermann both abruptly resigned and was fired by MSNBC.

That’s a talented way to go out by golly!! Only an ego of massive proportions could pull a daily double like that!!

And well…his ego was more than up to the task…per usual.

I won’t miss Olbermann, and I’m not sure why.

Maybe it’s my overwhelming dislike for him propagated by his, picayunish way he points out any piece of minutiae that may make any right winger look stupid.

Perhaps it’s his uber sponge-like quality of self-absorption. It could be because he is just like Sean Hannity, El Rushbo, and Glenn Beck and doesn’t recognize that fact.

Those are all good reasons to dislike him, but I think it all comes down to the fact that Olbermann is a narcissistic fucktard.

Yeah…I’m pretty sure that’s it.

Anyhoo…I’m glad Olbermann is gone. He’s a bloviating jack ass.

So to Keith Olbermann I say…

Good Night, and Good Riddance, Sir!!

And to all of you, I say…

Cheers!!

A Box Full of Kindness

Look at this…

It appears to be merely a box full of stuff. But really, it’s much more than that.

It’s actually a box full of thoughtfulness. A box full of kindness…indeed, a box full of love.

And? It was sent to Schmoop and I from the same general area where the serial shooting took place this past weekend.

While I know this all may sound full of hyperbole, this box sent from the Phoenix/Tucson area represents not simply the full on generosity directed at Schmoop and me…

It should serve as a reminder and symbol to all of us, that there is still more kindness in this world than crazy.

Certainly, the crazy and hate-filled jerks like Jared Loughner often grab the headlines by stealing the lives of others.

On TV, blowhards like Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck distort an otherwise clear screen.

The likes of Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Alan Grayson make a mockery of the political lineage of Jefferson, Jackson, and Lincoln.

People of that ilk and the millions of others like them, are hateful, obnoxious, and in the extreme case…deadly.

Sometimes it seems as though that people like that are the norm in this world, but they are not. They’re just louder.

The vast majority of people in the world are good. They are the quiet kind that make up the vast majority of our planet.

And the quiet kind far outnumber the loud, hate-filled crazies that populate this world.

My buddy Desert Rat, the propagator of the aforementioned gift, is one of the many kind-hearted people in this world, and while there is only one Desert Rat, there are many others out there like her.

Ha…In fact, when Schmoop and I were unwrapping the contents (yes, she took the time to wrap some of the things), Schmoop said, “It’s like Christmas in January.”

Schmoop was right, but more so…If you know a person like Rat, and we all do, it’s Christmas every day of the year.

I know…as I stated earlier, this post is a bit of hyperbole, but the events in Arizona last weekend and the corresponding origins of the gift gave me a reason to pause and think.

Just keep in mind folks, as the lovely Desert Rat, has reminded me, so let her actions remind you as well…

The quiet kind of the world far outnumber the loud, the crazy, and the lethal.

And one other thing…In spite of the following picture:

Desert Rat is NOT retarded.

Thanks my friend and to you all…

Cheers!!

Keith Olbermann Suspended By MSNBC...For Two Days!! Talk About Your I'm With Stupid Moment!!

If you haven’t heard...

Keith Olbermann was suspended “indefinitely” on Friday by MSNBC for violating a campaign contribution policy placed by MSNBC on their talking head types.

Some of you are probably asking…

“So?”

Some of you are saying…

“Good!!”

Many of you are probably asking…

“Who?”

Olbermann is a pretentious bastard who does an uber-left talk/opinion/agree with me or go to hell, type political show on MSNBC weeknights at 8 PM EST.

Against the MSNBC policy of their hosts contributing to political campaigns without permission, Olbermann along with his ginormous ego donated to three Democratic candidates this past year.

He was “indefinitely” suspended, well…if indefinitely means for two shows.

MSNBC wimped out, and Penis Envy Keith will be back Tuesday night and I’m sure he will be painting a canvass with a broad brush of hyperbole and histrionics that only he can.

I loathe him, and I am disappointed in MSNBC for their mere slap on the wrist of such a lying hypocrite.

Olbermann and his buddy Rachel Maddow (also on MSNBC) claim to have no agenda. Ha!!

They pimp out a far left agenda on MSNBC just as obviously as Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck pimp out the far right on FOX News.

It’s a joke, and so is Olbermann. And now..?

Some fun!!

This Friday November 12th at 11 PM EST on I’m with Stupid, Jay and I will be discussing all the social networking and media outlets that are everywhere.

Facebook, Twitter, Blogging etc. will be the topic of discussion.

We want to know why you use them. Perhaps why don’t, and all that jazz.

This subject is also the opening to a new segment that we will be doing every week on I’m With Stupid if we can get you to participate with us.

Beginning this Friday, in addition to the social media topic and all of our other fun and frivolity we want to interview YOU!!

If you have a blog and it is current and active we want to ask you questions about it and help you to pimp it out just like Keith Olbermann does the far left agenda!!

We will be doing one blog a week and really get into the what, whys, and where-to-fores of your blogsite.

If you would like to be a special guest of I’m With Stupid in this respect let Jay or I know and we will have you on the air with us and pimp out you and your website.

Especially for this week’s show, let us know no later than Wednesday so we can go through your blog and prepare for a good interview.

So let us know by emailing us…

Jay: jayman3768@gmail.com

Or…

Matt: neshobadude@yahoo.com

Have a wonderful Monday Chuckleheads, and as always…

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Dating Disasters and More!!

It’s October 10th and it’s going to be 87 degrees on this fabulous Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio.

What the Hell is up with that? I don’t know, but Ima likin’ it.

Nothing exciting happened at the Beer Mine yesterday, so I guess I’ll just pimp out the I’m With Stupid radio show that airs today on Blog Talk Radio at 11 AM EDT.

Jayman and I have a jam-packed line up for you guys today. Boy Howdy, do we!!

We will have our NFL picks of the week, which this week has, as always, a topical sponsor.

Much like Keith Olbermann (minus the histrionics and stupidity), Jay will have a special comment about a comment he received on his website this week.

We will be giving a very heartfelt shout out to someone who many have come to know and love through her comments on Bagwine Ruminations over the last couple of days, and on top of that…

We will be discussing our worst dates ever, and I will tell you about the worst dating disaster in HISTORY!!

So please…listen-in and call-in if you get the chance, because if you do, you may get to hear and participate with IWS’s current all-time fave callers, Evil Twin’s Wife and the “uber-animated”, Dour Mike!!

Tell me that ain’t worth the listen…Damn Right.

Amen, and Amen…

So, for your pre-show reading enjoyment, here are a couple of links…

I’m With Stupid Website

And the…

I’m With Stupid Blog Talk Radio Site

And the…

I’m With Stupid Facebook page

And the…

Okay, I’m done. But seriously, if you don’t listen to I’m With Stupid at 11 AM EDT today, you are…well, stupid.

Have a wonderful day supplicating the Lord, and as always…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man: Things I Hate

Things I hate…

Brussels Sprouts.

Writer’s block.

Overcooked scrambled eggs. Undercooked, I can deal with…overcooked? Not so much.

Seeing little kids without parental supervision or love. Makes me sick to my stomach.

Football and Baseball announcers who never shut the fuck up and are compelled to point out the obvious.

Sean Hannity.

Rudeness.

Dirty ashtrays. I smoke. Schmoop smokes. But…I am constantly emptying the ashtrays. Can you say, OCD?

Those who say that people on unemployment just want benefits; they don’t want a job.

When the chain on the toilet handle breaks. That fucking irritates me to no end.

Keith Olbermann.

Arrogance.

Assholes who express racism, bigotry, or a general dislike for a group or groups of minorities.

Minorities who claim racism and bigotry because they are somehow dissed “by the man” when the reason is not because of race, but because they are an asshole.

Constipation. I can deal with diarrhea ‘cause I’m getting rid of shit. Shit stuck up in me, makes me angry…and uncomfortable.

Brussels Sprouts.

Writer’s Block.

Oh, one other thing…

I hate it when I repeat myself. It reminds me that I am aging.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiday so slap me on the ass and call me Sally, ‘cause I’m off today and I’m feeling pretty.

Have to walk up to the Beer Mine and get my check this morning. I like the walk. I enjoy passing people and saying, “Hi” and smiling. It makes me feel good.

It’s going to be 80 today and Pizza Bill is working 10-9, so just like last Friday, I am putting out an Ass-Chap Alert. Da boy’s ass doesn’t take to the heat too well. My thumb nails need clipped.

Sent Doc some Grippo’s BBQ potato chips…I hope he got them. Love da Grippo’s. I just love to eat, period. I think I’m making hamburgers for Schmoop and I tonight.

Ha…my post yesterday talked about burgers but it wasn’t really about hamburgers. I was being metaphoric. I like saying that word…“metaphoric.”

I don’t like the word, sophomoric…or sophomore, for that matter. Why is there an o after the h? No one I know says, Soph-O-More. They and I say, Soph-More.

It’s like the word, February. Who pronounces the first r?

I don’t, and I was born in February. I don’t say Feb-Roo-Ary. I say, Feb-Yoo-Ary.

If you pronounce it, Feb-Roo-Ary, you are a pretentious fuck and I hate you….unless you pronounce it like that and happen to be a hot chick with big tits.

You know…I have a packet of Parmesan noodles and sauce that would go well with our fresh, hand made burgers. Love noodles. Any type, size, shape…noodles and I get along really well.

I have met so many cool people on my blog, Facebook, and Twitter. The majority are hot babes. I like that. I bet if I run into any of them I would get naked with them. Ha kidding…

Actually I would probably give them a fist bump. Odd huh?

I don’t know what it is. It just feels right when I run into a person that I like. I’m not trying to be hip or anything. Hmmmmm?

Okay, yes, definitely a fist bump…annnnnnnd thennnnn I’d have sex with my new found friends.

Egads…My balls itch. Does that mean visitors are coming? Ha…My balls itch and Pizza Bill is going to have a bad case of ass chap today. Just call us the Yeasty Boyz. Hee Hee.

There is a new President of Nigeria. His name is Goodluck Jonathan. What the fuck kinda name is that? President Jonathan?

How do you wish him well? Good luck, Goodluck. I’m serious…his first name is Goodluck. Wacky Nigerians.

Just saw Rachel Maddow on TV. She’s a lesbian. A big honkin’ lezzzzzbo.

While I dig watching two hot babes get it on for my viewing pleasure, I have never understood real lesbian couples.

How come two chicks get together because they don’t want to be with men, and oft times one of the chicks feels compelled to look, act, and dress like a dude? I never have understood that.

Speaking of women who look like guys, Keith Olbermann is an asshole.

Jesus…I am freakin’ horny. I need to get laid. I mean, sure my hand does well enough, but it has no tits. I really like tits….and noodles.

Have a wonderful Friday all, and Good luck, Goodluck.

Cheers!!

My Past Came Back To Taunt Me

Some of you may be aware of the fact that some 23 or 24 years ago I did stand-up comedy in the Bagwine area.

It was a solo musical/comedy act that I did posing as a third-rate lounge singer named, Joey Goodbar. I had some good times and a relatively small but fiercely loyal following.

I just never took my comedy act as seriously as I should have, and truly pursued it. I regret that sometimes. Perhaps regret is not the right word. In fact, I know it’s not.

I think the most accurate way to describe my feelings about no longer doing comedy is that… While I rarely mention it, I miss it…alot.

I decided that it is time to stop missing it. Today as I stand a mere one month and two days away from my 45th Birthday, I am going start the pursuit anew, and not merely on a local level and not while hiding behind the guise of, Joey Goodbar.

I am going to try to get gigs on radio, TV, and of course doing live shows while being known simply as Matt Mahoney.

I am going to start today working on a new website which will serve as my contact point for perspective employers.

It is going to take quite a bit of work. I have to build a resume…establish a database of TV/Radio media contacts and show producers, and continuously send topical emails to these contacts in order to get on their shows.

And as much as I hate to…I’ll have to start utilizing Facebook and Twitter. Oh the crosses we bear to achieve a dream.

I think if I apply myself I can do it. My selling point is that I am not just a comedian. I am a commenter on social, cultural, and political goings on in the talking head mode who happens to be pretty damn funny. Other pluses?

I am not an ideologue. I can look at issues from a wide array of angles, and appreciate all viewpoints. I'm like an anti-Olbermann, an anti-Beck...an anti-Dickhead.

I actually know the mindset of the vast amount of Americans who do not live on either coast. I can speak with a plain, rough around the edges voice which actually connects with people outside of the beltway or Manhattan and L.A.

I’m kind of excited. If I can successfully blend my love of politics, culture, and comedy into something more than Bagwine Ruminations I will be a happy, happy man.

I guess my attempt at this can be considered my New Year Resolution. I still have to first and foremost deal with everyday life such as spending time with Ryno, helping to pull Schmoop and I out of some difficulties, and all of the other commitments, but…

If something comes of this, the other stuff will not only take care of itself, it will be better. Much better.

So there you have it. That’s my goal for 2010. I hope to have something to show you in two or three weeks, and don’t worry…This site will always continue to carry on no matter what happens.

Oh and if you want to or know a way to help out, please shoot me an e-mail or a comment.

Cheers!!

Thanksgiving Recipe: Football, Food, and Hold the Blathering

I am looking forward to this Thanksgiving more than any other in recent memory.

Why? Because I have become so fucking bored and addle-minded due to all of the political punditry, prognostication, and repetition of the same vapid crap on the cable “news” shows.

Thanksgiving will offer me a respite from all of this.

Health Care…Anymore, when an “in-the know” panel begins to discuss and debate Health Care reform, my eyes glaze over…my ass hole tightens…and the left side of my upper lip twitches.

I hope that if anything in this area does gets passed, that my syndrome will be covered.

But nothing substantial, if anything will get passed. And why should it? If there is nothing in any proposed bill to control costs, what’s the damn point?

I think my breaking point on this entire issue was when the Senate debated eight hours on a vote that would allow debate on the Senate bill.

And here I thought that our legislators were already there to debate such issues. Silly Matt-Man. Pffffft.

Sarah Palin…Oh Dear GAWD!! I can’t believe I am saying this, but…I am sick of hearing from and about Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin. I know, she is a source of comedy, but her empty-headedness has reached the point of the mundane.

She’s not going to be President. She’s not a force to be reckoned with. She’s a half-term iglooramus that is going to make a lot of money and have a talk show some day.

Good for her, now go make a made for TV movie of her life and show it on the Lifetime Network.

Lifetime could debut her movie right after a showing of the TV cinematic event…God’s Favorite Vegetable: The Terri Schiavo Story.

Ugh…It’s the same old shit. Climate change. I don’t really care. I mean, I want a clean, freely spinning on its axis Earth, but stop the moaning and gnashing of teeth folks. We’ll live to see another day.

And now? There’s the this whole Afghanistan thing. When will Obama make up his mind? When will he stop dithering? Pfffft. Who fucking cares?

Obama is taking his time on a strategy, good for him.

It is almost winter in Afghanistan and there isn’t going to be a whole helluva lot going on for a few months. Maybe his options suck because they all have us staying in Afghanistan for several years.

I say we buy up the poppy fields. Employ the Afghans to cultivate and harvest them and sell the crop to the pharmaceutical companies so they can produce all of the medicinal opiates that they need.

We take our cut, and the rest of the money can be used to build infrastructure, schools, and housing. On top of that, the unemployment rate in Afghanistan would be like 4%. That’s how you make people happy.

See? Unlike other talking heads…I have just defined victory in Afghanistan. Happy Afghans.

And please network talking heads…Quit saying that Obama, in order to decide our strategy, has convened his “war council”.

War Council? WTF?

Are we living in 14th Century England and Obama is King Edward III discussing plans for the Battle of Crécy?

Just…Stop…It…

Anyhoo. Thanksgiving will offer me the opportunity to eat, drink, and watch TV that will be devoid of all of this blathering for nearly four full days.

I am very much looking forward to all of the coverage of football, sappy family stories, and video of early morning shoppers storming the stores for Christmas bargains.

For that, I am truly thankful.

Cheers!!

Beck, Maddow, Hannity, and Followers Thereof...The Speleology Coalition Is Going To Stick The Stalagmite of Common Sense Up Your Ass

Over the past few days and weeks, I have been taking shots at Glenn Beck, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, Sean Hannity, Tea Party protestors, and those who watch them in order to determine what they should think.

I announced on Thursday September 10th, that I had had enough with these dullards and was determined to form an effective third political party.

My desire was to form a group that could counteract the stupidity that flows from the minds and mouths of the aforementioned morons.

I am still in the process of putting this idea into an entity of tangibility, but I have made progress. I have come up with the name of this political movement, and our basic purpose…

The Speleology Coalition.

“Matt-Man,” you ask, “what the hell is speleology?”

Speleology is the study of caves…and why have I named this movement after the study of caves?

Sure, some of you who have known me for awhile, may think it refers to a perverted desire of mine to be a caveman who engages in sex with hot Neanderthal chicks who, instead of having language capabilities and the ability to talk back, can only grunt.

As appealing as it would be to have sex with a chick who is unable complain, that is not the reason.

No my friends (and critics), my reason for choosing, The Speleology Coalition refers to the Allegory of the Cave set forth by Plato in Book VII of his epic work, The Republic.

No, I have not lost my mind, so stay with me…

In the Allegory of the Cave, Plato, who is writing in the persona of Socrates, describes a hypothetical situation in which people since childhood have been held prisoner in a cave.

Their arms and legs shackled; their heads stationary, gazing at a wall, they are forced to watch shadows of animals, humans and other material things being cast upon the cave wall through the cooperation of a blazing fire and people walking behind them.

To the prisoners, the shadows and accompanying noises and voices they hear, are to them, what comprises the “real world”.

To the incarcerated, the beclouded specters and muddled voices combine in concert to compose what is the, Symphony of the Real World in B Flat.

In 2009, Plato’s Cave Allegory is being put into practice. Millions of Americans are shackled to their couches watching the shadows of ignorance and unyielding ideology being played out on TV, while in the caves of their homes.

Millions more hear the muddled voices while in their cars as they listen to talk radio.

They are prisoners to a marionette show put on by self-aggrandizing, puffed up puppet masters who are pulling the strings of fear, intellectual incapacity, and herd mentality.

This modern day, cave staged, Punch and Judy show, and the ensuing, go along-get along attitude towards it from the audience, is what feeds the lack of non-thinking realism to many, and gives this movement its purpose.

It is up to us as members of this organization to lead prisoners from their cave of shadows and fear.

It’s time to let the light of common sense and heated, yet respectful debate between those who agree and disagree, shine as a rainbow of humanity's evolution through the prism of informed personal discernment and social debate.

The 21st Century cave dwellers of whom I speak, need to realize something, and realize it quickly, lest we all lose...

In the words of Plato’s fellow Greek, Plutarch:

“I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.”

Glenn Beck, Rachel Maddow, Birthers, Truthers, Tea Baggers, et al., have become shadows of each other. A shadow does not think for itself. It follows blindly. But…

When light is shone from a point that has no angle one way or the other, and is straight up, a shadow dissipates, and a person is left with only him or herself.

It is at that point when actions and thoughts are the sole responsibility of the person in question.

It is also at that point, that no matter how painful and unfamiliar that intellectual soliloquy may be, a person must think for him or herself, and climb out of the cave.

Shining that light and being a catalyst for others in order to make that metamorphosis happen, is the purpose of this movement.

And for his wisdom, which is as ancient as the scorpion, I thank Plato.

However...

Unlike Plato, I am not calling for Philosopher Kings. I am calling for Philosopher Citizens.

I hope you join The Speleology Coalition and along with me, become a Spelunker.

Cheers!!

Positive Day in the Blogosphere...Yeah, Right.

Positive Day in the Blogosphere?…The Glass is Half Full Day…?

Really?

I guess today, bloggers around the world are supposed to post something positive. Being ordered to do so puts a HIV-Positive scorpion up my crawl. So, am I going to post something positive?

I'll answer that question using a phrase and movie reference from Seinfeld…

Prognosis Negative!!

In fact, let me paraphrase George Costanza from the aforementioned Seinfeld show and say...

“Everybody’s doing something positive, we’ll do something negative.”

Indulge me if you will…an opportunity to list some things that tick me off. The list thusly follows…

*Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rachel Maddow, and Keith Olbermann. Both right and left wing ideologues put a pain in my ass greater than if a curved, stainless steel plumber’s pipe had been shoved up my ass…and twisted until it fit.

*Sarah Palin. Actually, I am more ticked off by people who think she would make a good President. She’s a phony. She’s intellectually uncurious. She’s an Eskimo-ron.

*People who do not and never will know how to safely and successfully merge onto a highway. It says YIELD not STOP, and you should not cut the merge lane short!!

*Birther Conspiracists…people who think Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii. Hey all ya right wing nuts who see helicopters circling over your house, he’s an American. I’m sorry that he’s also a "nigger" who is an Islamo-Fascist terrorist.

Maybe if Jesus came back, he could be our President. Nope, sorry…he was born in Judea. Which of course, since you are imbeciles and don’t know where that is, it’s modern day Palestine…or…Israel...or something.

*Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh. It’s fine to be a guy who wants to earn ratings and money, but seriously…Do you have to be people who call Obama a racist and an “angry black man”? Argue Obama’s policies; not his skin color. Of course, you might have to actually think to do that. So, nevermind.

*Chicks who leave the toilet seat down. I need it up. It ain't all about you, Bitches.

*Women (mainly) with six kids in a van who go to a Drive-Thru of any type and once they get there ask, “Gee kids, what do you want?” Either decide before you get there or TELL the damn rug rats what they want. There are people behind you who are either starving and/or dying of thirst!!

Oh, there are many more, but I do not want to burden you with negative things on such a positive karma kinda day.

In fact, before I leave, I want you to know that in honor of this day of positivity, I am going to hook up with Dick Cheney, toss a few back with him, and then we are going to go roll some drunk, crippled homeless people.

I’ll shoot video.

Cheers!!

Sarah Palin: Resigning As America Resigns Herself

It’s going to be a decent Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio. Summer temps are back and my 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine should be hoppin’.

In fact, it could be a, “Chicks Coming Through the Drive-Thru in Low Cut Shirts Day”. One can only hope, Amen.

As I mentioned in an amusing way yesterday, today is Gov. Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin’s last day as Governor of the Great State of Alaska.

While I do find it funny that the Eski-Ho couldn’t take the heat of bloodsport, lower 48 politics, I find her actual existence, in a way, quite sad.

No, not saddened by the fact that she is around as a living, breathing person, but rather as my friend Mick implied in his comment yesterday, that she was dangerously close to becoming this country’s Vice-President.

As much as I loathe Gov. Palin I do not and have never hated her. I HATE very few people. I think she is a moron who has no business holding office in the national arena.

In some ways I feel sorry for her, and more so for this country. Oh shuddup…hear me out.

Palin is doing nothing that many of us would not do if offered an opportunity to be a national figure…on the political stage or another venue. McCain had no business offering her the job as his running mate, but did so as a gimmick, much like Mondale did with his choie of Ferraro in ’84.

Palin should have declined. She should have put her alleged middle America common sense to the forefront and accepted the fact that she was and never will be up to the job. In the end her selfish ambition and exploitation of her family won out.

So be it. Others may have done the same.

As much as I dislike Palin, I am to this day, more taken aback by the American public. In a recent poll 57% of Americans say that Palin cannot grasp complicated issues, and yet another poll says that 77% of Republicans support Palin.

WTF?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not merely picking on GOP’ers. I am sure that there are similar numbers of Dem officials. I am picking on the American electorate in general.

The American voter has allowed itself to become a fish feeding on the bait of 24/7 Cable News, Talk Radio, and ideologically driven outlets on the internets.

Olbermann and Maddow…Hannity and O’Reilly…Coulter and Limbaugh. These people are NOT the truth. They are entertainers, self-promoters, and most significantly, ideologues.

And, none of these people, much like Palin, are intellectual giants…Take them with a grain of salt.

Listen folks…We all have our beliefs, but if you feel there is no room for change or alteration of thought, you are already dead.

I hope that is not the case with you guys. I hope that you will forever be open to new ideas and thoughts.

My hope is that unlike Palin and the others that I mentioned, that you enjoy hearing the ideas of others, entertaining them, and actively seek them out.

To do otherwise would mean that you have fallen victim to near-sightedness, narcissism, and self-aggrandizement. In other words, become another Sarah Palin.

Palin is not America. She is not a “typical” mother. Palin is an Arctic Circle Carnival Barker who found an “in”.

You and I are not that lucky. We don’t fall ass backwards into a lucrative situation in spite of our limited mental capabilities...

We have to think for a living.

Cheers!!

Hey Olbermann...Hey O'Reilly...Pundit This

I am pursuing a new career.

If it pans out, Bagwine Ruminations will be an integral part of it.

I am setting out today to become a political pundit. After all, there just aren't enough of them. Well, actually there are too many of them but…

There aren’t enough of them that actually say anything accurate, meaningful, or more importantly espouse any ideas that go against the grain of the talk show host with whom they are speaking.

For instance, former President Clinton adviser, gas bag, and Vegas hooker aficionado, Dick Morris, is consistently wrong on all of his “insightful” observations and predictions.

Holy Cow, I swear he pulls his shit out of the air!!

O’Reilly and other FOX News shows looooove having, Pay for Sex Dick on their shows because he likes to bash Democrats in general and the Clintons in particular.

It’s embarrassing to watch and listen to him slobber out his idiotic speculations as fact. I wanted to leave him a comment on his website to that effect, but one has to shell out 25 bucks in order to do so. Hey, he’s got to pay for the hookers somehow.

And then there’s Michelle Malkin, or as I call her…That Hate-Filled Bitch with the Fucked-Up Face.

She will gladly and maniacally rant on about anything for any right wing talker.

She loves the face time. It’s a shame that time and genetics don’t love her face.

On the left there are intellectuals giants such as Alan Colmes. Yeah, he’s a “heavy hitter”. Pfffft.

He’s as bland and mealy-mouthed as Michelle Mal-Content is ate up with paranoid rage. And…he’s mentally deficient.

Of course, there’s “liberal” Kirsten Powers. She’s kinda cute and appears on FOX…mainly because she is cute.

She writes for that bastion of journalistic integrity…The New York POST!! And, she was some mid-level trade rep employee in the Clinton administration.

That fact makes her, “credible”. Ha, whatever. She brings as much gravitas to a political debate as Steven Seagal does to a roundtable discussion on portraying Hamlet.

There are a myriad of other pundits, former advisers, and my favorite designation…Republican or Democratic “Strategist”. Ha!! What the fuck is that?

Hey, when I worked for the Ohio Department for Transportation, I worked under three different Governors. That means I worked for their administrations.

And…I have run more than a dozen political campaigns in life so…that makes me a Democratic “Strategist”!!

See? I have all of the qualifications I need in order to be a political pundit on TV, Bitches.

I am going to work on my resume and start sending out releases to all of the cable outlets.

And no host or network will be able to put my thoughts in a box.

When I talk to O’Reilly, I’ll say, “Listen, loofa boy, shut the hell up, quit lying, and let me speak. Why don’t you show some more stripper video and call it a report on culture.”

When on Hannity, I’ll tell Blockhead Sean that Obama is not out to sell our children to Islamic slave traders and he’s doesn’t hate the United States, and then I’ll say, “Go rim out Rush.”

When on Olbermann’s show, I’ll tell him…

“You really need to ease off the “anti-everything Republican” histrionics and get off the Bush crap. He’s not in office any longer, dumb ass. Go suck Obama’s dick, you know you want to.”

As for when I’m on Rachel Maddow’s show? That’s easy. I’ll simply say…

“I can’t believe I agreed to come on your show, ’cause your show really blows. Who the hell was the retard that gave you your own show?”

Geez…I’m off now, to build my pundit resume. When it’s ready, you guys will be the first to see it.

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!! On Tuesday!!

I am tired and my mind seems to be bottled up so I guess I shall do something I haven’t in a quite awhile…

Pass me a glass of Rose and fire me up a smoke, ‘cause it’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiiiiiiday.

Okay it’s actually Tuuuuuuuesday, but what the hell.

My ribs are slowly getting better, but I tell ya. I never realized how painful it is to take a dump while nursing bruised ribs.

Holy Crap!! Flexing those bowel muscles can really put a hurt on a fella with bad ribs.

Hell, last Sunday I was painfully passing a steak dinner when I think I popped two of my bruised ribs and three sternocostal joints. Ohhhhh Baby!!

Eight days until my meatless Lent begins…Good thing I like yogurt…and beans…and watching Schmoop eat a footlong chili dog.

I love it when she dribbles chili down her chin. I like to lick it off, but alas my Meatlessness for the Messiah will prevent me from doing that.

Jeebus better damn well appreciate my sacrifice. I need a beer….and a smoke…hold on, folks. Ahhhhhhhh, zehr gut!!

Y’know...?

As Liberal as I am, I cannot stomach Keith Olbermann or Rachel Maddow.

I’d rather stick hot needles in my eyes than watch them.

And yet…I do. Go frickin’ figure. Maybe I’m a masochist. But, I don’t think I am. ‘Cause I haven’t been diggin’ the rib pain.

Let me double check…

Nope, I just punched myself in my bruised ribs and my tally whacker didn’t move.

I work today, and then off for three!! I decided I would use my days off to do something completely different…

Accomplish something!! I may even go to the grocery and stock up on Lent food.

Although, Schmoop did just buy me beans o’ plenty this past weekend.

Hell, the cabinet door keeps poppin’ open simply from the gas potential. It’s wacky!! Clang, Clang, Clang, went the trolley.

Okay that’s it for me…I’m exhausted and my stream grows weak. Oh wait!!

No, never mind…that was stupid anyway. Or was it? Hell, I don’t know.

I’m off to read some Jean Genet. I hope I don’t end up having gay, prison sex dreams as a result of it.

Cheers!!

Stream of Conventionness

I am so very exhausted from the hate filled attacks that I have written over the last couple of days.

I have spewed venom of late and it was quickly returned to me ten-fold. You guys are wicked.

Some of the emails I have received were less than kind, which is fine, but really, why ask me to stuff things up my ass that obviously won’t fit?

Anyhoo, instead of trying to write something, I let my mind wander as I watched the Republican National Convention last might.

I turned it on as Rudy Giuliani assumed the stage, and let my stream of consciousness flow…

Wow, Rudy isn’t very tall…I’ve heard he is 5’10”. I don’t think so. He’s about 5’6” in my estimation. Typical sufferer of short man syndrome. He’s a prick, and his head is HUGE.

And what’s this shit that he is, “America’s Mayor”? He showed up for work on 9/11, and he becomes some sort of hero? WTF?

He’s a self-absorbed midget who collects bitchy wives in order to validate
his existence.

His current wife is smiling right now…She’s a princess, isn’t she? Wow, I bet she is one High-Maintenance Bitch.

Oooo, they showed Bristol and her older brother.

Y’know…If I was running the McCain campaign I would induce a miscarriage in Bristol. Can you imagine the sympathy vote possibilities?

Oh wait, they just showed one of my Senators, George Voinivich.

I can tell that he needs a nap. Sleep well, V-Man.

Anyway, on top of the miscarriage, have the grief stricken 18 year old, dad-to-be baby-maker, Levi Johnston, kill himself. Teen angst plays well in the more liberal parts of Ohio!!

Sen. Mitch McConnell looks like a bird. What a goofball. Ha. They just showed McCain’s 96 year old mom. She looks younger than Johnny Mac!!

Gov. Palin is walking to the podium. Cue the bawdy music. They just showed Bristol’s boyfriend.

Hockey Stick Boy is staring at Gov. Palin. I don’t think he’s looking at her in a, “That’s my future Mother-in-Law” way, he is looking at her in a, “I want to tap you next” way. You go Boy!!

Wow, Huckabee’s wife is kinda homely…I wonder what kind of food the vendors are serving in the arena. I could go for a corn dog. Mmmmmmm, Corn Dogs.

Well this speech shows that Palin can do one thing that our current Prez can’t do…read a teleprompter. I find the speech itself to be kind of boring.

It’s not Palin’s fault, she didn’t write it. None of these focus-group driven candidates write their own speeches anymore. What a shame.

I expected more from Charlie Black, Rick Davis, and the Sully-Man in writing this speech. Pussies…Mmmmmm, I wonder if Schmoop will wake up anytime soon.

Hey Olbermann…shut the fuck up you biased, ego-centric, bastard. You Suck.

Although you are still funny once in awhile, you are as non-thinking on the left, as Sean Hannity is on the right.

I need another drink. Oh dear god, the pundits have taken over. I hate them all. The only I seem to like anymore is Joe Scarborough.

And he’s a conservative…Fuck it, Joe is funny nonetheless. Hell, I like Pat Buchanan a lot.

I rarely agree with either of them…but I like how they speak their minds without worrying about what others think.

Hmmm, that kinda reminds me of myself. Hey Rachel Maddow, join Olbermann in the “Shut-Up Corner”.

Okay that’s it. I am off for three straight days…You talking heads can’t bring me down; it’s party time.

Cheers!!