Monday, November 30, 2009

Tiger Woods, Elin Nordegren, and Rachel Uchitel: Whose Lawyer Will Complete The Foursome?

What in the hell was Tiger Woods thinking? I swear to GOD, he really screwed up.

No, not the car crash in which he was involved this past Friday morning. I am talking about him getting married to Elin Nordegren some five years ago.

What a maroon!!

Listen, five years ago Tiger was a mere 28 years and known all over this big blue marble of ours. A superstar. An icon. The penultimate mans’ man, and women’s man. The world was his oyster and he had life by the golf balls.

What did he do with his future full of sand saves and holes-in-one? He shanked it by getting married to Mizz Nordegren. Oy Vay!!

What in the hell is a good looking 28 year old single dude who has more money than Dick Cheney has thoughts of hooking fully juiced jumper cables to the testicles of starving kittens doing getting married?

Nothing good can come of that…and his bruises, mashed car, and visions of Elin swinging a five iron at his head are indicating such.

Why would Tiger do such a thing? I can hear him lo those years ago, “Elin is beautiful inside and out, and our love for each other is deeper than the rough at St. Andrew’s.”

Gimme a break. Ain’t no love worth risking half a fortune that is bigger than the combined GDP of Portugal, Cameroon, and Tonga. Nah, baby, nah.

Did Tiger want to get married in order to have kids? Pffffft. He could have had a baby making session with just about any woman he wanted to.

If he wanted a kid without any attachment at all to a woman he could have followed Madonna’s lead by traveling to Africa and buying a child or two.

If he happened to be looking for a child in a whiter model, I’m sure that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar would have happily sold him a couple of their brood.

Tiger…Tiger…Tiger…You are a guy who when you need a new car you can call up the folks at Buick or Cadillac and they’ll frickin’ give you one. They’ll even pay YOU to drive the damn thing.

What a shame…Oh, and by the way you might want to give those fine car folks a call. Your SUV looks a bit dinged up.

Anyhoo…The speculation over what precipitated this early morning accident has and will continue to run like a bad case of diarrhea.

Is Tiger cheating on Elin with Rachel “Not Bad Boobies” Uchitel? Was Elin upset about rumors circulating in the National Enquirer? Did Tiger only nail Elin twice Thursday night and write down three on his score card?

Pay no attention my friends. The cause of this unfortunate incident was set in motion years ago when Tiger married Elin.

Sadly, Tiger had failed to see that his future smorgasbord was much bigger than that of his Swedish girlfriend’s.

Heed my advice all of you young gazillionaires out there…Falling in love and getting married is like playing Putt-Putt.

You pay a lot of money to be surrounded by kids, clowns, and play the same course over and over. And, when the game is over you don’t get your balls back.

Remember all of you rich young studs…Once you join the real golf tour, stay on the tour. For as long as you possibly can.



Starrlight said...

And here I thought Car Wreck was a synonym for marriage :P

Jay said...

HA! You got that right buddy! There is simply no reason for anyone who is in line to earn a billion dollars over a decade or two to get married. Unless of course he's the type who can be happy with a ridiculously hot, amazing and loving Swedish model. It isn't the cheating that surprises or amazes me. It's the really nasty skanky hos they cheat with.

Anyway, if I were to win the lottery or become wealthy in some way, the first thing I would do would be to have a vasectomy. Then I wouldn't get married. Well, not until I was in my 80's anyway. And then I would married a super hot Swedish model.

And get a prenup.

MysteryChick said...

Who knew hot Swedish chicks had such tempers?

I thought that was left to the Latina's and us crazy Irish girls.

Scott Oglesby said...

This was won of my favorite posts in a long time buddy! Everything from, “than Dick Cheney has thoughts of hooking fully juiced jumper cables to the testicles of starving kittens” to “Did Tiger only nail Elin twice Thursday night and wrote down three?” was brilliance personified.

You know what’s screwed up though? I like him even more now, to know that he’s human after all.

Matt-Man said...

Starr: And in so many instances you are correct. Cheers Starr!!

Jay: It's a shame that he fell under the idea that he could be happy with a hot Swede. And listen...

Don't get a vasectomy. You may change your mind some day. Instead just drink some Wild Irish Rose prior to any sexual encounter, your sperm will never be able to find the egg. Cheers Jay!!

Mystery: Swedes everywhere are emabarassed by her atypical outrage. Cheers Chick!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Ha. Hopefully it's a trend I can continue and thanks.

I know what you mean about Tiger. He always seems to be a nice guy but he does oft times come off as being almost a bit robotic. Cheers Scott!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...those have to be rilly little jumper cables...

Desert Rat said...

You know, though, technically, he *could* shag Elin twice and write down a three as long as he didn't actually sign the scorecard.

Loved the post! Ha!

Cheers and Happy Monday!

Bond said...

They have made this a bigger story than necessary by shutting their traps and avoiding the cops...

FHP will now bring warrants... and no Tiger, you can not avoid those...

I hope Elin did not use his tournament clubs to smack him and the car around...

Hope you are feeling better...have not seen you in a while

Dianne said...

I'm so glad you wrote this, the endless news coverage does not give the full, real story

I can always count on you Matty

glad you're feeling better

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha. Your nose for detail and loopholes is impeccable. Cheers Rat!!

Bond: Yeah, silence breeds speculation. I haven't been much of anywhere of late. If I haven't been sleeping or working I have been filling out forms. Cheers Vin!!

Di: I try to help and clarify whenever possible. Feeling better than I have in a month. I am as good to go as I have been in awhile. Cheers Sexy!!

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Holy Cow!! I omitted you. Those jumper cables? They can also be used to jump start a Mini Cooper. Cheers P-Man!!

Dana said...

Let's just hope Elin remembered to yell "fore" before swinging ...

Four Dinners said...

Having shagged a few gymnasts I can honestly say that Tiger is a twat.

Whilst it was fun at the time it was also back breaking and I could have lost everything just for a bonk with a young lithe bird.

Just keep me away from leotards eh?...;-)

....least I ain't rich so all she'd get is my balls!!! (and she would....John Wayne Bobbitt is known to her)

Matt-Man said...

Dana: I'm thinkin' that she wasn't in to giving him any warning. Cheers Dana!!

Four: Hey if the sex didn't leave you with bruises, bite marks, and pulled muscles, it wasn't that good. Cheers FD!!

David said...

Great post.

I was very lucky to escape a foolish youthful marriage without children/child-obligations or significant loss of net-worth (not that there is much net-worth to start with). Even in my mediocre circumstances, I would no more think of getting married than I would jumping off a bridge.

And indeed Tiger - what were you thinking????

Matt-Man said...

David: Thanks. I did the young marriage thing. Other than having Ryno in the world, it wasn't anything that I am altogether happy about. Cheers David!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

We wont have Tiger Woods to kick around much longer as he has announced his golf reclusion, to the regret of lovers of the game and Tiger Groupies--those small brains who follow him around clad in red shirts shouting "You d' Man" everytime he hits the ball. He'll never be back because the scandal-seeking press will never forget, even if he stayed away for five years, and would quickly energize the moralizing mob. Golf is not the kind of game that can be played amidst flashing cameras and biblical poster waving hecklers.

Not that Tiger is entitled to any compassion. He's a super-rich-super-star. As such, his life is subject to the whims of the fawning masses, and the fawning masses don't like it when one of their heroes gets caught straying from the beaten path of moral servitude that channels their own lives. It's the getting caught part that sticks in the collective craw, an open insult to their own banal existences. Otherwise, everyone knows, and secretly envies, that super stars in private do whatever they want.

Actually Tiger was only doing what the humal male does, married or single: he optimizes his opportunities for sexual reproduction with as many suitable females as possible. Cultural customs and taboos, satisfaction with an existing mate and individual mate establish some of the boundaries of this behavior.

Tiger, being young, super wealthy, attractive and healthyis a top ten desirable male mate. Upon achieving stardom he had top ten quality females all over him, each of them optimizing their own reproductive opportunities. But being unrestrained by the taboo against infidelity, which is violated by half of married males, and one-third of married females, he will join a long list of male luminaries-- mainly politicians-- who also ignored this taboo and had their fortunes crushed.

If this sounds like evolution at work, it is. The simple evolutionary principle of survival of the fittest is the motivator of human relationships, just as it is the basis of capitalism. It's the reason why capitalism works and communism, which rests on the altruistic idea that society's resources should be shared, doesn't. (Surprise! If you believe in capitalism you believe in evolution.) The fittest get the most of the resources whether its money or reproductive opportunity. The rest of us can only take satisfaction in self-righteous moral outrage and pathetic ranting.