Tuesday, December 01, 2009

December...It's For Sarcastic Bastards

Well folks, it’s finally here…DECEMBER!! My favorite month of the year.

We have Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and the Muslim New Year observance on December 18th, Al Hijra.

And guess what?

We are going to make fun of each and every one of these holidays as we do every year here at Bagwine Ruminations.

Today also marks the unofficial beginning to another year in The War on Christmas (Sponsored by the National Review and FOX News).

Bill “I Need More Tinsel” O’Reilly will undoubtedly be once again leading the charge against evil secularists who want to pee all over the Holy Birthday Cake of the Little Baby Jeebus.

Of course let us not forget the solemnity of December 7th. This December 7th marks the 68th anniversary of the dastardly attack on Pearl Harbor by those sneaky yellow devils from Japan.

I will remember Pearl Harbor Day as I always do…by telling one of my favorite jokes of all time.

Did you hear about the guy who was half black, half Japanese? Every December 7th he attacks Pearl Bailey!!

Nothing like mixing some solemnity with hilarity.

Anyhoo…That’s all I have today. Consider this post to be a preface for the hijinx and frivolity to be on tap during this holiday rich month here at BR.

Oh, one other thing…

As I did last year, I am offering to send Christmas cheer through the mail. If you’d like a Christmas card from me just drop me an email with your name and address and I’ll send it out.

One caveat…


Unlike last year, I am not hand making each card. My left hand had cramps for days last year and for once it wasn’t from jacking off to a picture of the Virgin Mary in a stable, laying atop a bale of hay while fully dilated.

Oh shut up, it was a gift. Anyway, I’ll be signing and sending store bought cards so let me know if you’d like one.

Now that you know what will be going on, I bid you a happy Tuesday.

Cheers!!

21 comments:

David said...

Happy December to you Matt-Man

December brings so much but lets not forget the wild and crazy silliness of the American Family Association's boycott of the Gap and Old Navy about that whole "holiday" commercial thing. Evidently the baby Jeebus and Mary-on-the-half-shell hate holidays.

3 Men and a Lady said...

Aha, you're a lefty, too. I sensed an extra dose of coolness about you, now I know why ;-)

Scott Oglesby said...

The joke was great but I’m surprised you didn’t find room for a pearl necklace in there somewhere.

Somebody gotta tell Bill that the war has tragically come to a bitter end. And the bad guys/Satanists/homosexuals/secularists/feminists/liberals/mainstream media-damn there were a lot of enemies- where was I?....oh yea, the bad guys have won. Reports are still coming in but it appears that Jesus was initially tasered and then fatally shot in Rockville outside of Washington DC. Authorities are reportedly keeping a three day vigil over Jesus to see if he rises again, but an insider stated that, “It doesn’t really look good.”

Oh well, maybe we’ll do better in Afghanistan.

Matt-Man said...

David: I love the "furor" that exists over this "war". Hopefully, my fave crazy man William Donahue of the Catholic League will be chiming in again as well. Cheers David!!

Lady: Lefty as well, eh? Well here's to you, me, our left handedness, and the oppresion we suffer. Cheers D!!

Scott: Funny thing is Scott...If Jeebus did come back and was shot, his story would be bumped from the news by Tiger Woods and the White House gate crashers. Cheers Scott!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...Tiger Woods, some gate crashers and the baby Jeebus walk into a bar...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha. Oh yeah, baby...There's something in that premise. Cheers P-Man!!

Curious C said...

Pearl Harbor is one of my favorites... I always celebrate by getting bombed!

Matt-Man said...

Curious: That's a good way to observe it as well. I typically get bombed on Pearl Harbor Day by drinking Saki and Pabst Blue Ribbon. That way, I have both sides represented. Cheers!!

Jay said...

I always respond to the "Merry Christmas" people by saying "Feliz Navidad." I do this because it pisses them off, even though I'm saying Merry Christmas in Spanish. But, anything in Spanish pisses them off more than saying "Happy Holidays."

Just doing my part to piss off people who love to be pissed off. ;-)

Desert Rat said...

Jay, here in Arizona, we actually hear "Feliz Navidad" a lot - I wouldn't even get a blink! Ha! All the signs in WalMart are bilingual and now we have the "Super Mercado" which is WalMart for the Hispanic masses. I loooove Mexican cuisine, though, so I'm glad to go there and pick up Juanita's Pozole con Pollo. Yum-My!

Oh, wait, I'm supposed to comment to Matt-Man: Let the Winter Games Begin!

Scott, pearl necklace... I think I've heard of that ;-d

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Hee Hee. You are a good person because as you said, some people would have no joy in their lives if they couldn't be pissed off about something. You are the embodiment of the Christmas Spirit. Cheers Jay!!

Rat: You need not comment to me if you continue to type in, "pearl necklace." Mmmmmmm.

This year? I am going to tell everyone, "Mele Kalikimaka". I bet hear from at least a few:

"What? Are you one of them towel headed turrorists?" Cheers Rat!!

Four Dinners said...

Dear Santa Bagwine,

I have been a good chap all year....

er....most of the year...er...

....some of the year.....er...

....a bit of the year.

Well, yesterday actually.

I would like a case of vodka for Christmas.

In return I will leave out a mince pie and a glass of sherry for when you bring me my gift.

Thank you Santa Bagwine

Matt-Man said...

Four: If you were good even for one day, that is worth a case of Vodka, so consider it done. But, seriously, screw the Sherry, I'll bring some Wild Irish Rose and we'll go pick up some trollops in the pubs. Cheers FD!!

Dianne said...

I like to walk around WalMart humming "oh what friend we have in Satan" - it clears the express lane and I'm outta there in a flash

Pearl Harbor Day is my birthday Matty - they're still trying to calculate which killed more men

Starrlight said...

I am looking forward to New Years Day. Because we will finally be out of the oughts and into the teens year wise. When the third digit of the year rolls over to 1 I will be theeeeeese much close to getting fuck out of this state.

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ha. Good One. The 7th, eh? I've made a mental note. You are getting a dirty phone call on that day. Be naked...just as I will be. Cheers Di!!

Starr: I like the "oughts". When I hear somone say "ought", it reminds me of Jethro from The Beverly Hillbillies. Cheers Starr!!

Bond said...

Wait? I have to ask for one every year?

We exchanged cards last year..that means we will do so until the end of time...

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Didn't your address change? Cheers!!

metalmom said...

Has your address changed? Mine hasn't. but I'll send it again since you asked nicely.

Matt-Man said...

Metal: Mine be the same and I believe I still have yours. Cheers!!

Dana said...

I'd love a Matt-Mann/Schmoop Christmas card to adorn my bare walls!

Sending the new addy via email!