Wednesday, December 09, 2009

A Christmas Carol: BK In Memoriam

Now that Christmas is but 16 days away, I thought it a good time to once again post the story from 2006 of my friend Bagwine Kringle who died trying to brighten the Christmas of others less than fortunate than he.

Please join me, and remember him with me. Thank You...


Words cannot express the sorrow that I feel at this moment. No amount of tears can purge my soul of the loss. Bagwine Kringle gave so much to so many and his passing will be felt the world around.

It seems BK and a couple of his “elves” Tina and Dex, were busy wrapping presents for some of the less fortunate local kids.

While Tina and Dex selfishly ran next door to grab a sandwich, Kringle the workaholic that he is, ate what he had on hand and continued the Christmas assemblage.

He was hurriedly gulping down some Salmon Fancy Feast cat food and evidently began to choke on a small bone, because when Tina and Dex returned, he was lying on the floor gasping for air.

Dex called the paramedics while Tina tried to ply Kringle with some Wild Irish Rose to relax his throat muscles.


She quickly found out that that was not the best idea.

He spewed out a mixture of WIR and bile that resembled a poorly made marinara sauce with a stench reminiscent of bandicoot urine.

Although nearing death, he was with his two best friends.

BK was with his dear friend Tina, whose street name is Bowling Ball. She is a 48 year old prostitute with large breasts, two prosthetic legs, and a glass eye.

Her seductive wiles are legendary. Oh sure, some women can spread their legs really wide, but Tina can take hers completely off.

She is also very accommodating. If a client is feeling extremely kinky, she will pop out her glass eye, and let him give her, shall we say...a facial.

Tina is one who gives and gives, and that is why she and Bagwine Kringle were pals.

And then, there's good ol’ Dex Lexler, or Sarge, as BK called him. He was never in the military, but BK always kidded him that he looked like the dog from Beetle Bailey.

I know, the dog’s name was actually Otto, but Kringle was close. Those two shared so many of the same traits…compassion, generosity, and cirrhosis of the liver.

They were of one mind inside of two bodies and now sadly, they are half the men they use to be…or som
ething like that.

I guess when the paramedics arrived, BK was nearly expired. His lungs raled bilaterally, desperately gasping for air, but it was not to be.

Tina and Sarge looked down upon BK as they sobbed unrelentingly.

And then, as the medics placed him on the cart, Bagwine Kringle looked at his friends with that familiar twinkle in his good eye, and with his final breath said...

“Don’t cry for me Sarge and Tina.”

I miss you Bagwine Kringle, here's a toast to you....

Cheers!!

18 comments:

Scott Oglesby said...

What a warm and heartfelt tribute. I was close to tears twice, and close to throwing up once. We all have friends like Tina and Dex too, don’t we? Maybe they’re not no legged, glass eye prostitutes…..or maybe they are. That was a great story, and I’ll be sure to keep BK’s memory alive and well.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Was it the "facial" line that tested your gag reflex? I have freinds that at heart, are like these guys. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Cheers Scott, keep his memory alive!!

Doc said...

Sniff, Sniff... Im so sad now after reading your heartfelt tribute. You continue the tradition Matt-Man

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Don't cry Doc. Smile and help to continue Bagwine Kringle's good works. Cheers!!

Four Dinners said...

Gasping for air.....hysterical laughter.....can't breath....

Now that WAS fucking funny!

Matt-Man said...

Four: Ha. I'm glad that a death of a friend and my grief could provide you with so much laughter. Glad you liked it. Cheers FD!!

Scott Oglesby said...

Yes, yes it was the facial line. As the bile began to rise, I refocused my mind very far away from skull fucking.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Skull Fucking? Well, when you put it that way, it is kinda gross. Cheers Scott!!

Lu' said...

R.I.P BK but you know I think that looks like Larry the cable guy.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Hey Now...Don't impugn his memory. BK was a handsome man...at least until the meth accident. Cheers Lu!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...any story about Santa Claus that can incorporate the phrase "bandicoot urine" is worthy of praise...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha, and Thank You. As one who is all about harmony, I try to incorporate people, ideas, and things that would not normally get to co-exist together. Cheers P-Man!!

Jay said...

That was soooooo sad. Yet, at the same time I feel much better about my fellow man after reading this. A feeling that maybe humanity can be saved from the grasp of selfishness, greed and corruption. Maybe we can put people first and take care of one another. Thanks for inspiring me to be a better man this morning Matt-Man.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: You're welcome, but please...Don't thank me; thank Bagwine Kringle.

He is the personfication (albeit a dead one) of the haughty goals that you have set. Cheers Jay!! And good luck with your wonderful, yet laughable and unattainable quest.

Four Dinners said...

Let me get this straight.

Bagwine Kringle was real?

My marbles are wobbling here.

He was REAL?

I will go down on my knees at his graveside.

Seriously? He was real????

WOW!!!! What a guy!!!!!

Matt-Man said...

Four: Well sure he's real...You see, just like Santa Claus, there is a bit of Bagwine Kringle in all of us.

Of course, some of the hookers 'round here have a little more Bagwie Kringle in them than the rest of us. Cheers FD!!

Jeff B said...

It's a yule tide classic for sure. I wonder when the Hallmark channel will pick it up for a "made for TV" show.

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: It is to me, astounding that they haven't already. What's wrong with those folks? Cheers Jeff!!