Thursday, December 10, 2009

Winter Wonderland or a Nightmare for Pizza Bill?

I woke up at 3:30 this morning…in part because I had to pee, but mainly due to the fact that I passed out went to sleep so early last night.

I betcha I was fast asleep on Kelly by 8:30 last night. It’s actually kinda nice getting up so early.

The only sounds at 3:30 in the morning are from Corky purring as she nestles down to sleep on the arm of Kelly, the coffee maker brewing, and the brisk winter winds blowing outside my window.

Ahhhhhhhh.

Of course those winds a blowin’ will not be so kind to my friend and fellow Beer Mine worker, Pizza Bill today and tonight. Nooooo siree-bob.

It’s only going to be 19 degrees today with 25-30 mph winds, turning the Drive-Thru into an arctic wind tunnel and turning Pizza Bill into a Marlboro and Pepperoni flavored popsicle.

Woe is Bill, but as I am off today what can I do except feel his pain from afar as I drink beer within the confines of the warm, windless Bagwine digs?

I actually do feel bad for the guy because I know what he will be going through.


He will step outside to take an order and some dope will spend five minutes asking the price of each and every brand of beer before settling on a bottle of Hawaiian Punch and a Snickers bar.

Meanwhile, Bill has been standing there turning blue, as his nuts shrivel to the size of raisins and recede up into his asshole searching for warmth.

But being the professional that he is, Bill will get the dumb fuck’s valued patron’s order and bring it to him saying cheerfully, “That’ll be $2.38, sir.”


To which the customer will quickly hand Bill two dollars, and then spend five more minutes searching through his console and seat saying to Bill:

“Hold on, I know have 38 cents in here somewhere.”

Only because of his love and loyalty to Drive-By Mikey will Bill press on with his duties as the frozen layers of skin peel from his bones and shatter like glass upon the cold, hard floor.

Pizza Bill, my good man…my thoughts and those of every other reader are with you today. May that fact, help to fight off the chill and keep you warm within the cockles of your soul. As for me?

This cold air and the light dusting of snow that we received reminded me of a Bagwine Christmas Classic that I wrote and recorded back in 2007. Enjoy with me, my take on the song, “Winter Wonderland.”


I hope you liked that. I was going to re-record it in order to improve the video quality (I didn’t know how back then) and to show off my new 174 pound physique which makes me look utterly emaciated buff, but how could I improve on the look of Schmoop’s robe?

Have a wonderful day everyone, and remember…

Somewhere in Bagwine, Ohio there is a frozen Beer Mine worker who needs your thoughts and prayers.

Cheers!!

24 comments:

Lu' said...

Dang and I thought I was cold requiring a long sleeve shirt in the office :)

Since his nuts will shrivel to the size of raisins at least when they do tuck up his ass for warmth they will be smaller and so he wont look like he has a stick shoved up there as he walks away from the valued customer. It is probably more comfortable to sit too :)

Hey Pizza Bill I'll be sending warm thoughts to you through out the day. So if you get an unexpected warm feeling come over you it could be my thoughts or you didn't make it to the bathroom in time :)

Matt-Man said...

Lu: You are too kind. I am sure he will read this in a little while. If he doesn't comment, on behalf of PB and his soon-to-be shriveled nuts, I thank you. Cheers Pal!!

Doc said...

I want a drive thru beer service in my area!

Matt-Man said...

Doc: They are beautiful things to have...unless of course you work in one in the dead ass butt crack of winter. Cheers Doc!!

Scott Oglesby said...

How screwed up am I that a pepperoni and Marlboro popsicle sounds pretty good? I don’t know how you can deal with those temps, you are of a stronger constitution than I. And I totally remember what it was like dealing with idiots day in and day out during my celebrated tenure with the PA turnpike. I told you about the lady tripping on mushrooms who pulled a blanket over her head and wouldn’t move until the police showed up and totally harshed her buzz?

You have the best pipes ever, I’ll be looking for you on the next Idol.

I took a drive down to the coast today, and cleared my mind. Everything is right with the world once again! That’s hilarious your cat’s name is Corky, I just nicknamed mine that because of his special needs and all….

Bond said...

Ancd the holidays are upon us as Matt brings out his holiday reminders

Matt-Man said...

Scott: It's brutally cold in there when the wind is coming through just right. Ugh. While I haven't detected mushroom use among our customers, I have gotten a few contact buzzes while waiting on some folks.

Thanks for the pipe comment, I sing fair when I really try.

Glad your mind is better and I hope the flies have gone. We named our cat after the kid on, Life Goes On. She is indeed "special". Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Bond: I AM Father Christmas. Cheers Vin!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I wouldn't mind having a Pall Mall and sausage flavored popsicle...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: I'll see if Pizza Bill can change his preferences for the day just for you. Cheers P-Man!!

Jay said...

When you mentioned Schmoop's robe, I thought Schmoop would be in it. Very disappointed.

But, I enjoyed the video anyway. I love Christmas music. It's so happy.

If I was working the beer mines I think I would be sipping some bourbon all day long to help keep me warm.

3 Men and a Lady said...

Yep, it's bitterly cold out today. I pity any poor soul who works in this. Enjoy your day off in the warmth of your home!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ya know? I think she has only worn that robe once. I think that she thinks I tainted it. I can't drink at work; my mind wanders enough sober when I'm there. Cheers Jay!!

Lady: The sun may be out today, but it is damn cold and will be brutal in the wind tunnel. Thanks and enjoy your day as well. Cheers D!!

Four Dinners said...

Tell Bill I'd like a pepperoni pizza and a six pack of Bud. If he delivers he can stay by me open fire a while....

er...nice robe

Anonymous said...

I want to thank everyone for thinking about my warm nuts, but it will be my feet and hands that needs your prayers the most. I hope drive by Mikey dont stay to long as he is a heater hog. Yep he comes to work, sits in the office and hogs the heater. He thinks that he owns the place.
Silly me, he does own the place.

Pizza Bill

Matt-Man said...

Four: He may just take you up on that but the swim across the Atlantic may be a deal breaker. Cheers FD!!

Pizza Bill: Hee Hee...He'll be out of there by 2:30 so he can go home and build a fire. Good luck and tell people we are not accepting change at this time. Cheers PB!!

David said...

Love your rendition of the song and the dangling ear-ring is a nice touch for emphasizing an artistic flair.

Micky-T said...

You really should do more vlogs.

How about a whole Christmas album?

Matt-Man said...

David: Why thank you. And the earring is a little Christmas tree ball. It adds just enough glitz without being tacky...you know, unlike the robe. Cheers David!!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Thank ya Mick. If I could put a band together and have access to a halfway decent recording studio, I'd do it in a second as well as shoot videos of the whole thing. You are not the first to have brought that up. I have plenty of tunes that I have never put on here. Cheers Mick!!

Jeff B said...

I was just thinking the other day that it was about time for another song and wham! there it is.

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Ha. I think I have two more yet to come. Enjoy your time off. Cheers Jeff!!

Dana said...

I'm hoping that Pizza Bill made it through the day without getting a frostbitten middle finger from flipping off the idiots!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: He survived, but it wasn't pretty. Cheers Dana!!