Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Pope Benedict XVI Speaks Out Against Gay Marriage...Who The Hell Is He Kidding?

First it was Sen. Harry Reid. Then, it was Sarah Palin, and now..?

It’s Bagwine Ruminations’ favorite Vatican City Nazi…Pope Benedict XVI. What kind of Papal Bullshit is Blitzkrieg Benny throwing about now, you ask?

Well, shortly after parliament in the uber-Catholic country of Portugal voted in favor of a law allowing gay marriage, Benny shrieked like a little girl while addressing the Vatican diplomatic corps.

According to the great Catholic Muckity-Muck, laws which ignore the biological differences between men and women are an attack on Creation. He went on to say that freedom is not absolute and man must conform to the structure of God.

In other words…

Blitzkrieg Benny is saying that gay marriage mocks God, mocks His creation, and if it becomes commonplace could threaten not only the continuation of our species, but the Catholic Church as well, as a full two thirds of Priests would leave the clergy in order to marry each other.

I find it ironic that Pope Benedict XVI would condemn gay marriage when it is obvious that the Catholic Church is built on a holy foundation of gayness.

Take God for instance. He created Adam and Eve in his likeness. WTF? So God has characteristics of both man and woman? Instead of saying, “Father, forgive me.” We should be saying, “Rupaul, please don’t spank me.”

Sounds to me like The Almighty has some gender identification issues to resolve.


It’s no wonder he waved his holy hand to impregnate Mary instead of taking her out to dinner and then back to his place for some Fatherly fornication. He didn’t know how to act or what to wear.

And then, there’s Christ and his disciples. A bunch of guys wandering around together, bathing together, on their knees together.


On top of that, everything they did was simply divine. Oh yeah, the disciples were as a queer as a twelve dollar bill, for Chrissakes.

And Jesus? When he built his Church who did lay the responsibility upon? That’s right…Peter!! Is it a coincidence that Christ liked Peter best? Hell no. What gay guy doesn’t like Peter best?

No less gay, is the Catholic Church itself. The names of the Popes for instance…I already mentioned Peter. There is also Linus, Innocent, and dig this…Boniface. Ha!! BoniFACE. Uh-huh.

Of course today as in the past, we have Pope Benedict…Holy Cow, fancy boy, why not just call yourself Pope Bend-a-Dick? I mean, does a straight man dress like this…

Not unless he’s a doing a cabaret show based on the life and times of Elton John, he doesn’t. I don’t even want to rehash how the Catholic clergy enjoys checking out the purity of young, studly boys. Oy Vay, Maria!!

I guess I am just confused. Here we have a Pope who is obviously gay, a religion built on gayness, and a God who may or not be gay depending on His or Her mood, coming out of the confessional and railing against the legalization of gay marriage.

It doesn’t really bother me because I am not gay. But if I was a gay person, I would tell the Pope to go fuck his holy self.

Of course, you wouldn’t want to say that to God...Although among his other heavenly powers, it appears that he could.

Cheers!!

34 comments:

3 Men and a Lady said...

I don't know about gayness stuff, but this Pope has a scary face. I'm sure he does a fine job poping, but really...the last one looked like a nice guy, but there is something Emperor Palpatine-ish about this guy. Or is it just me?

Jay said...

Also, have you ever seen the Vatican? Those people are seriously good interior decorators. And they have some really expensive taste.

And don't forget that Jesus himself was seriously ripped. Dude was really into working out. And he had long hair and walked around in a loincloth. That just screams gay right there.

Scott Oglesby said...

But what if you want Rupaul to spank you? Never mind, I’ll stick with my 300lb black leather clad Mexican woman….

This shit does honestly bother me. In another 100 years people are going to look at these generations the same way that we look at the people who so violently faught the civil rights movement. It is so obviously not a choice, so how in the fuck can all of these supposedly Christian leaders be so filled with hate. I thought Jesus was all about love? Didn’t he wash the feet of prostitutes? Didn’t he say something about throwing the first stone? So even if you do believe that it’s a sin, shouldn’t you show forgiveness, respect and love? If the bible says that every sin is the exact same in God’s eyes, then nobody should have the right to marry because everybody is sinning constantly…..even Benny Boy.

And marriage does NOT belong to the church anydamnway!

Matt-Man said...

Lady: "I'm sure he does a fine job poping." Ha. I may borrow that at some point if that's alright. And I have seen him a few times photoshopped into Palpatine. Cheers D!!

Jay: Hee Hee. I know. Oh there are so many gay ways to go with Catholocism. And Jesus' love knew no bounds. No bounds at all.
Cheers Jay!!

Scott: There a difference in Benny's statement about marriage in this vein is different. He is talking about marriage in the civil realm not the churchly realm.

After the gayness get sgoing in Portuga why don't you hop on over and let us all know how's it going. Cheers Scott!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...If God is gay, then I don't wanna be straight...

Micky-T said...

Pope Bend-a-Dick. bwahaha

And you know their all very familiar with the Tea Baggers.

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: You are the voice of reason that echoes in the wilderness of confusion. Cheers P-Man!!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Hee Hee. And they steep that tea in Holy Water. Cheers Mick!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

LOL, have at it Matt. If you are ever on an HBO comedy special someday slip that line in for me l-)

Dianne said...

the Pope also hates the movie Avatar, seems it encourages people to worship nature
ya know - the thing all around them, that sustains them, the thing they can see and feel and touch

crazy - why not worship a trio of ghosts and adhere to a book written by a flock a crazy men thousands of years ago

seems like the Vatican was really busy this week - gay people and movies - what's next? Jews? oh wait ... this Pope already covered that

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Ha. I'll slip it in and give you a shout out. While I have very few virtues, giving credit where credit is due and loyalty are two that I do have. Cheers D!!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Yeah, the Church is tackling the issues that affect us all. Benny is on the cutting edge, ain't he?

And please, don't mention the Jews...Benny gets all angry and what not when you do that. Cheers Sexy!!

David said...

>>>“Rupaul, please don’t spank me.”

Now that is a damn funny line my good man. And frankly, about that expression of pure evil on the face of the nazi pope, I think he is heavy into the spanking scene himself.

Have you had a look at the "uniforms" of those Swiss guards the vatican employes? That is some serious gay-designing going on there.

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha. Seeing how the Swiss are notoriously neutral and always wanting to avoid a fight, it only makes sense that their soldiers find it better to dress well than to fight well. Cheers David!!

Yogchick said...

It's quite impressive to see so these Catholic countries legalize gay marriage. They're not letting a dying, out-of-touch, archaic institution get in the way of their own spirituality and sense of what is right. I applaud POrtugal, as I do Mexico.

Bond said...

So does this mean you are bypassing Lent this year as you obviously have no feeling for the meaning of the Catholic Church, so why give up all that bread and stuff?

Yogchick said...

Pope Benedict XVI, a German, has some pretty ugly attitudes about a lot of things. Not surprisingly, his remarks about the Holocaust are especially offensive:

http://yogchick.blogspot.com/2009/12/one-more-reason-to-hate-catholic-church.html

Matt-Man said...

Yog: The worse thing about the Catholic Church is that the hierarchy have allowed themselves to become archaic. They still do good things in the area of humanitarian actions, but they remain rigid and unyielding in the changing times. If they opened up they could do an exponential amount of good. Cheers Yog!!

Matt-Man said...

Bond: I have been giving up meat and this year, bread during Lent for myself. Not for the Catholic Church. I use Lent as a time to demonstrate some self discipline to myself not to relegate myself to some stupid edict of the Church. I haven't been a Catholic since I was 18 and had a choice. Cheers!!

Yog: Even my mom, who was a devout German Catholic, was not at all thrilled when Pope Benny was elected Pope. He has some issues. Cheers Yog!!

Bond said...

Can you not show self discipline by just not touching yourself so much?

Just asking!

Matt-Man said...

Bond: That's just crazy talk. Why torture myself and deny myself something that feels so damn good? Cheers Vin!!

Clay Perry said...

such blasphemous speech... for the love of God man he is the Holy Father.. Appointed by God himself to show the world what is Godly and what is of Satan.. He leads you matt.. you.. you should listen to him...

oh wait.. he was appointed by a room full of fat old guys in dresses that like to bugger young boys...

never mind...

David said...

Oh Matt-Man...I'm conflicted. Your witty retort about the Swiss being neutral thus prompting them to dress well instead of fight well - sarcasm or proof you have never seen those vatican Swiss guards?

I suppose if one considers circus clowns well-dressed, then so are the guards.

But the guards are nothing compared to that golden brocade outfit that Benny is flouncing about wearing.

On a different note, I'm eager to hear Scott's report on touring Portugal in the era of gay marriage. I was there some years ago and loved it so I'm thinking that having loving gay couples all married up can only improve the experience.

Matt-Man said...

Clay: Ha. And once again you are absolutely correct. An entire Church that millions believe in is lead by a group of out of touch men control. At least you have to give props to the Catholics for staying power. Cheers Clay!!

David: I know they wear funny pants and all, and look like clowns, but they are well dressed clowns. Cheers David!!

Lu' said...

Don't forget so a fella would not have to bend over in the shower they invented Pope On A Rope, oh wait that is Soap On A Rope. Never mind :)

Matt-Man said...

Lu: They only do that onn the Feast of the Asscension. Cheers Lu!!

Candice said...

Yet another laugh out loud post. Thanks Matt!

I think that the Catholic church will one day get with the program. Hell, they may even hold a national butt fucking day for all we know. I just hope it's in my lifetime! ;)

Matt-Man said...

Candice: Why thank you. If they hold a Butt Fucking Day it will come with a monetary contribution. Cheers Candice!!

Desert Rat said...

I read the post; I read the comments; and the only thing that comes to mind is, "WTF? The guy needs "helpers" to hold up his freakin' dress?" THAT is the leader of the Catholic Church. I'm surprised there isn't a little midget holding up his pointy hat, too.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: What the Hell is your problem? If you wore a dress, I would offer to hold it up. Is that so wrong? Cheers Rat!!

Marilyn said...

I just can't bring myself to go back to church and listen to some (purportedly) straight, white, supposedly celibate, man tell me and the rest of the world what we are and aren't allowed to do with our bodies. The way the church has thrown its weight around on this health care thing just makes me mad. A good Catholic married woman who finds out her fetus is going to be born without a brain would be obligated to carry it to term or find several hundred dollars to pay on top of her insurance payment? Blech!

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: I hear ya. I often think. What the the hell makes some guy (ususally) more "holy than I? That is why I refuse to go to any church and just talk straight to the Big Guy myself. Cheers Marilyn!!

boo said...

I'm afraid I've never understood the whole "gay is evil and wrong" thing.

If I were being perfectly honest, I would point out my suspicions that the argument against gay marriage has less to do with it's "sanctity" and more to do with a sense of "hey, that's OURS. You can't have it too!" mingled with a touch of "this kind of abject misery is a form of worship, and you can't worship if you don't believe, and if you practice those evil, sick, twisted sex acts (unhealthy things, nothing like dressing in rubber with a dildo shoved up your ass whilst getting beaten by nubile young cheerleaders - which is completely OK with God) which God HATES then you can't possibly believe, so we refuse to allow you to share in our misery." Or some other such nonsense along the same vein. Did any of that make as much sense typed out as it did in my head?

Matt-Man said...

Boo: I'm sorry...You lost me at "dildo shoved up the ass." But yes, it made sense. Cheers Boo!!