Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Sarah Palin Signs With FOX News...Roger Ailes Is My Hero!!

Wow kids…There was big news on Monday.

The Harry Reid, negro dialect comment fallout? Not at all, bitches and ho’s.

Mark McGwire admitting that he was using steroids when he broke the home run record? Swing and a miss batter; that’s no surprise.

Simon Cowell announcing that he will be leaving American Idol? This judge says no.

No my friends, the big news on Monday was that former Alaska Governor Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin was inked by FOX News to a multi-year deal where she will work as a contributor and provide among other things, political commentary.

Political commentary? From Sarah Palin? Holy Cow!!

My funny bone has a hard-on right now thinking about the amount of jocularity that Palin will produce while weighing in with and alongside Senators, Generals, foreign leaders and the like. Oh Baby!!

Say what you want about FOX News President Roger Ailes, the man is a fucking comedic genius. He knows how to take stupid and turn it into ratings as hilarity ensues.

Tune into Fox and Friends in the morning and gaze upon Steve “Sure Thing, Mr Ailes” Doocy, Gretchen “I Graduated From Stanford, But They Don’t Advertise It” Carlson, and Brian “Huh?” Kilmeade do their 21st Century Three Stooges schtick. It’s Hi-Larry-Ous.

Sometimes I wonder how those three keep a straight face while delivering their goofy, tea bagging, right wing paranoia, and then it hits me…

They have no idea what the hell they’re talking about!! Ailes hired those people to be oblivious and the trio have immersed themselves head deep into a bucket full of stupid. Well done, Roger!!

Bill “Ego Oozes From My Pores” O’Reilly of course, pales not to those three. He needs no encouragement from Roger Ailes.


Billy-Boy knows what he says is the truth because, well, he tells you it is. And if you don’t believe him, he’ll threaten to kick your ass. Nicely played once again, Mr. Ailes.

And then there is…

Glenn “Every Book I Write, I Steal The Title From Someone Else’s Book” Beck. Now there’s a man I enjoy watching.


Unlike the aforementioned FOX personalities, this guy is flat out, bat shit crazy. He can become tiring after awhile but when he’s at his crazy, crying best, he is comedy gold.

Well, I have a word of warning for ya, Mr. Beck…

There’s a new crazy person on FOX News, and she is going to be going fucking rogue!!

Sarah Palin is oblivious like the Fox and Friends stooges. She feigns toughness like Billy Boy, and she is bat shit crazy like the Beck-Meister.

Great Googly Moogly, the Eski-Ho is a fricking triple threat, and Ailes will ride her like a bitch-slapped polar bear to the ratings feeding hole.

Congrats on a another slick move, Roger Ailes. I for one, will be tuning in to watch Palin dish the funny.

I just hope you have set aside plenty of thigh high skirts and low cut blouses for Sarah. I want her to blend in with the other FOX babes.

Cheers!!

33 comments:

Jeff B said...

It's damn scary when a "legitimate" news agency starts to look more like Saturday Night Live's Weekend Report than the show itself.

Palin should be offering up blog fodder O' Plenty

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Ha. Indeed it is. And they have recently been clamoring how they are a legitimate news organization. Palin should yield more than a few nuggets of blog fodder for all. Cheers Jeff!!

Yogchick said...

I wasn't surprised by the news. I've long-held the belief that Palin is best served as a sort of cheerleader in these troubled times for the Republicans. She rallies the base and all that.

At first I was relieved because it meant she won't be running for President/VP in 2012. But then I realized it actually would have been a good thing for her to run because it would ensure a win for the Democrats. Moderates and independents hate her.

This is what I predict (and it's pretty gloomy): in 2012 the Republicans will come back with a vengeance with Mitt Romney as their contender. He's handsome, tall -- telegenic. The Republicans will have by then manipulated the Tea-Partyers into siding with them based on empty promises of a "small government." (Of course, the Tea Partyers will prove to everyone that they are unable to learn since these are the same voters who supported BUSH in 2000 and 2004). Sarah Palin will stump for Romney, getting every rural religious wacko/hick on to the bandwagon. All those "real" "normal" "earthy" folk in John Deere hats will have bought Mitt Romneys book by then (Romney recently revealed that he's working on his book now).

Romney gets elected president. The world will start to hate us again. Airport security won't really be any better, but we'll be invading Yemen and going to war with Iran. China will continue to be the economic superpower of the 21st century. No serious global warming initiative will take place. The rich will get richer, the poor will get poorer, and the middle class will continue to disappear. The government won't really get any smaller and small businesses won't really be doing any better and the Tea Party People will still be pissed off.

boo said...

Weren't you just lamenting the lack of good politico-funniness happening recently? Well, ask and ye shall receive, Matty! The Giggle Gods have smiled upon you and provided for a gold mine of giddiness that rivals no other. *rubbing hands together maliciously* Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

3 Men and a Lady said...

I wonder which coworker she has an affair with first? Because I bet she's like that.

And you are 100% right, Glenn Beck is about to lose his "craziest@FOX" crown to an experienced pageant contestant.

I hate FOX. I bet my super-republican dad is rejoicing though. He is crazy about Sarah.

But I still love him.

Matt-Man said...

Vog: I wasn't surprised either, but I was looking forward to her being on cable TV 24/7. She makes me laugh. As for 2012 and Romney? I don't know. I have been involved in far too many political campaigns. I don't know what will happen.

In politics, two weeks is a lifetime, and two years is an eon. So many things can happen that will change the dynamics of what might be perceived as a given or a likelihood today. Cheers Vog!!

Matt-Man said...

Boo: Ha. I was thinking about that when the whole Reid Palin news surfaced over the last couple of days. I believe!! I believe!! Oh I am pondering alright, and please, could you lie to me and tell me that you are pondering something sexual? Cheers Boo!!

Lady: Ha. And you should love him. I can see Palin and Sean Hannity getting it on while O'Reilly tries to entice her daughter, Bristol with a loofa bath.

Here's to Beck. The man is pure entertainment as well as a case study in abnormal behavior. Cheers D!!

Jay said...

Oh yeah, she's gonna be a laugh freaking riot alright. I wonder if they'll trot out the "she's an energy expert" bullshit again or try something new.

Or maybe they'll surprise everyone and try to pass her off as an expert on foreign affairs. Just as soon as they explain to her that Africa is a continent and why there is a North and South Korea. Both things people with the campaign say they had to do during debate prep.

Scott Oglesby said...

Comedy gold indeed! I’m praying to the baby Jesus that somehow they decide to put Palin and Steve Doocy on a show together, just politly conversing and interviewing ……….anybody. For the first time in televised history a cable news show will have gone full-tard. Doocy is a half-tard, Palin is a half-tard, put them together and it's a FULL-TARD!! In the words of the great Kirk Lazarus (Tropic Thunder) you never go full tard!

Maybe now my lifetime (Actually about 2 years) dream will come true and she’ll do ‘Quasi Celebrity Jeopardy,’ I could then die because my life will be compete! I’m so excited!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. Did you know that I am an expert on corn like Palin is an expert on energy? Sure am. See, we have alot of corn in Ohio so that makes me a corn expert. And I heard about the Korea thing. Pure gold. Cheers Jay!!

Scott: Doocy is indeed at least a half-tard. It's all going to be so much fun. And I would join you in dying and going to heaven if Palin was on Jeopardy. I think Alex Trebek would join us as well seeing as he'd probably shoot himself. Cheers Scott!!

Dana said...

I tried really hard to stick up for my beloved FOX NEWS. They've been battered and bruised for so long. But this? This??

You're on your own FOX NEWS. Even I can't stomach Palin and Beck on the same network!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Can't stick up for them!? I think they just got better. I wanna them to air Beck and Palin having madcap sex in front of his chalkboard. Oh Baby!! Cheers Dana!!

Lu' said...

I for one, will be tuning in to watch Palin dish the funny.
And that right there is why he did it, a sponsors dream. I don't know that I'd have gone multi year deal though. It was the above and the hope that like the eskimo kiss, he could try and get her to rub her nose on something else...

Matt-Man said...

Lu: He's a smart man in that aspect, but you're right. A long term contract may be a mistake, after all...She has a tendency to quit her job. Cheers Lu!!

Shimmy said...

Love it: "Say what you want about FOX News President Roger Ailes, the man is a fucking comedic genius."

Now that she's, allegedly, a journalist, how long before her colleagues in the press finally start asking her questions about her kleptomania?

At some point, the truth comes out -- especially when you're on national TV every week.

Matt-Man said...

Shimmy: Hee Hee. Good point, bu there's the thing. Once she is on TV alot and saying whacked out things she may become endearing. After yet another stupid remark by her people will say:

"Awwww, it's just Sarah being Sarah."

Thanks for stopping and for the comment. Cheers Shimmy!!

Micky-T said...

She really has got perfect timing. The deal with Fox will take the spotlight away from what the new book "Game Change" has just exposed about how well she gets along with others.

So many blind sheeple.

Bond said...

Wait...did Jeff call Fox News a legitimate news outlet?

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Eh...I'm sure this has been in the works for months. I don't think she really cares about anything that written in that book and neither does Ailes. A nice chunk of FOX viewers would still love her if she beheaded Christ. Cheers Mick!!

Bond: No...But FOX tries to claim that. Cheers Vin!!

Micky-T said...

Of course she doesn't care about what's written, to her it's all a lie. She's going to fit in just fine on Fox, bla, bla, bla, all the way to the bank.

I am excited about maybe seeing her with Beck, that should be priceless.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Her and Beck together would be fantastic. Alot of Beck rants followed by a bunch of "You Betchas". I would tape that and have it buried with me. Cheers Mick!!

Dianne said...

Eski-Ho!!!
fabulous!!!!

I'm hoping to be able to keep a tally of how often she mentions her kids

never before in the history of this great country has a presidential campaign been the starting point for a career in comedy
this bitch is makin' history

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...what about the moose?...

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ha. Thanks. As for Mizz Palin, we have to give her her props. She recognized her strength as far as being stupid and has capitlaized on it. Here's to ya, Sarah. Cheers Di!!

P-Man: A Moose, Beck, and Palin. The Holy Trinity of Porn. Cheers P-Man!!

Clay Perry said...

the absolute hatred of this woman is amazing to me... is the entire world populated by xenophobic, smug, cocksure progressives?

Matt-Man said...

Clay: Seriously? I hate very few people. I find it funny and sad that a person with her limited mental capacity, her surefire belief that God has chosen her, and her ability to ignore her own lies and delusions to come that so close to being VP of the USA. And, she thinks she was worthy of said office. Palin is a jerk. Cheers Clay!!

Clay Perry said...

oh i didnt see much hatred in your post... i was just commenting on the societal feel of her in general.. i quite agree with you.. she will be a hoot on fox...

"I find it funny and sad that a person with her limited mental capacity, her surefire belief that God has chosen her, and her ability to ignore her own lies and delusions to come that so close to being VP of the USA. And, she thinks she was worthy of said office."

isnt that just about every politician in existence?

thats what makes this political hobby or obsession so damn entertaining...

the truly fun part is that no one reads the bills that end up governing our lives.. thats the part i love the most.. no one.. the politicians, the lobbyists, the constituency, hell i dont even think the lawyers that write the damn things read them...

half the shit that people complain about in bills doesnt ever seem to actually be in there...

i just love this shit... the complete lack of concern is astounding.. they dont even feign concern that they are lying when they speak in public.. it rocks...

Matt-Man said...

Clay: I would love to argue with you but there are two things that are preventing me from doing that right now...

Number one...I agree with everything you just said.

And Number Two...

I have a toothache and have to go to work. Cheers Clay!!

David said...

I would totally love to see her have her own show so her true potential could glow from the TV screen - unfortunately her propensity to quit mid-way does handicap such network commitments. Thank heavens everything has converted to digital and high def so we will be able to see her hockey mom lipstick in its colorful wonderosity.

But dropping in on various shows to deliver her nuggets of wisdom and imagination (aka comedic babbling) will be motivational as well as charming and endearing, I'm sure. Being a roving commentator/reporter will allow her to interact with all the stars of the Fox News network.

Although, I'm now wondering - Will they now change their tagline to be “Fairly Unbalanced”?

Four Dinners said...

Simon Cowell is...and has always been an arshole. A rich arsehole perhaps, but an arsehole.

Unlike many men I have never fancied Sarah Palin.

Unless she tied me down and....

oh eck.....

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha. "Fairly Unbalanced". How funny and understated. She should be cute interacting with all of the geniuses that work for FOX. Cheers David!!

Four: I am not a fancier of her's either. She does wear an incredible amount of make-up. I can't imagine what she looks like when she wakes up and there's nothing on her face but stark reality. Cheers FD!!

Marilyn said...

I was just thinking that Palin would be the perfect addition to Fox... she would bring balance to the obviously left wing sentiments of her peers. I think David beat me to the punch though.

You what else I've decided? I don't like hockey moms. As a mom there is no way I'd pay exorbitant sums to let some macho wackos strap razorblades to my six-year-old's feet and put him in an ice covered rink with a bunch of bullies wielding wooden sticks. It's just wrong. Real sports are played at temperatures that render water soft.

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Ha. I have to say...I believe you are correct on all counts. Cheers Marilyn!!