Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2009.
Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…
Tuesday marked the beginning of Passover. AND…
I only have four more days of this breadlessness bullshit.
Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt, Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch, and I can taste the pizza already. Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!
Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.
In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.
Why did he do this? It has been a matter of much speculation. However, the answer to that question lies within his name.
Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP, better known as Angel Dust…big time. What does that have to do with his name, you ask.
You see, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.
However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”
And now you know the truth as to why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad, isn’t it?
Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover. The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.
God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.
So after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, God really got pissed.
Using the words of Pharaoh Yul ak-Brenner I, God plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.
Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.
They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jeez, how come it took Cecil B. DeMille four fucking hours to tell this story?
Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.
Some years ago I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.
But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.
The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coursing through me and on me are the following:
I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower…instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worse one?
Greek men and dudes from Kentucky are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters. So far, my ass has remained chaste.
I hope have been able to shed some light on these most liturgical matters.
After two long ass days at work, I am off and will be spending my day drinking and watching TV as pedophilia victims attack Pope Benedict XVI.
I think ol’ Blitzkrieg Benny is going to soon find out how it feels to take it up the ass…and I dig it.
Cheers!!
Pope Benedict XVI has been making news left and right of late.
A couple of weeks ago he was chiming in on the evils of gay marriage, and now?
Blitzkrieg Benny is attempting to bring the Catholic Church into the 21st Century by urging his flock of Priests to make full use of new communication technologies in order to evangelize.
Yes indeed…Instead of his army of Priests spending their time embracing young boys, His Popeness wants them to spend their time embracing the internet.
That’s all this world needs, Priests being encouraged to use the internet fully and frequently.
Sweet Baby Jeebus!!
Now, in addition to physically molesting the altar boys at St. Peter in Chains Church and Bingo Hall, these clerical Captains of Catholicism will be enjoying virtual molestation of young boys all over the world.
Watch out you Laotian lads, I hear Father Peter likes his boy toys skinny!!
Maybe I’m wrong about the consequences, but I find it disturbing that when talking about this, the Pope said that internet use will:
“…Create deeper forms of relationship across greater distances.”
Holy Mary!! I’m sure that’s exactly what many of these men are hoping to do in the name of evangelizing.
They’ll be socializing and commenting on teen blogs, and researching the North America Man/Boy Love Association website in hopes of “bringing kids to Christ”.
I can envision names like, Hot4Preacher, FatherYahoo, and Jawbone In Your Ass 69, popping up in chat rooms everywhere.
I can see VaticanMan XVI sending a message out on Twitter that says:
“Sister Maria just brought my dinner. I sed, Fish again? LOL. She told me to, STFU. Who sed dagos can cook? I 8 better food in the Nazi Army. ROFLMAO!!”
When this happens, I’ll know that the Apocalypse, or at least the end of the Catholic Church is near. Oh yeah, Bitches…This Papal internet initiative has sin and disaster written all over it, and dear God, I do love it so...
Let the “evangelizing” and the scandals begin!!
Cheers!!
First it was Sen. Harry Reid. Then, it was Sarah Palin, and now..?
It’s Bagwine Ruminations’ favorite Vatican City Nazi…Pope Benedict XVI. What kind of Papal Bullshit is Blitzkrieg Benny throwing about now, you ask?
Well, shortly after parliament in the uber-Catholic country of Portugal voted in favor of a law allowing gay marriage, Benny shrieked like a little girl while addressing the Vatican diplomatic corps.
According to the great Catholic Muckity-Muck, laws which ignore the biological differences between men and women are an attack on Creation. He went on to say that freedom is not absolute and man must conform to the structure of God.
In other words…
Blitzkrieg Benny is saying that gay marriage mocks God, mocks His creation, and if it becomes commonplace could threaten not only the continuation of our species, but the Catholic Church as well, as a full two thirds of Priests would leave the clergy in order to marry each other.
I find it ironic that Pope Benedict XVI would condemn gay marriage when it is obvious that the Catholic Church is built on a holy foundation of gayness.
Take God for instance. He created Adam and Eve in his likeness. WTF? So God has characteristics of both man and woman? Instead of saying, “Father, forgive me.” We should be saying, “Rupaul, please don’t spank me.”
Sounds to me like The Almighty has some gender identification issues to resolve. It’s no wonder he waved his holy hand to impregnate Mary instead of taking her out to dinner and then back to his place for some Fatherly fornication. He didn’t know how to act or what to wear.
And then, there’s Christ and his disciples. A bunch of guys wandering around together, bathing together, on their knees together. On top of that, everything they did was simply divine. Oh yeah, the disciples were as a queer as a twelve dollar bill, for Chrissakes.
And Jesus? When he built his Church who did lay the responsibility upon? That’s right…Peter!! Is it a coincidence that Christ liked Peter best? Hell no. What gay guy doesn’t like Peter best?
No less gay, is the Catholic Church itself. The names of the Popes for instance…I already mentioned Peter. There is also Linus, Innocent, and dig this…Boniface. Ha!! BoniFACE. Uh-huh.
Of course today as in the past, we have Pope Benedict…Holy Cow, fancy boy, why not just call yourself Pope Bend-a-Dick? I mean, does a straight man dress like this…
Not unless he’s a doing a cabaret show based on the life and times of Elton John, he doesn’t. I don’t even want to rehash how the Catholic clergy enjoys checking out the purity of young, studly boys. Oy Vay, Maria!!
I guess I am just confused. Here we have a Pope who is obviously gay, a religion built on gayness, and a God who may or not be gay depending on His or Her mood, coming out of the confessional and railing against the legalization of gay marriage.
It doesn’t really bother me because I am not gay. But if I was a gay person, I would tell the Pope to go fuck his holy self.
Of course, you wouldn’t want to say that to God...Although among his other heavenly powers, it appears that he could.
Cheers!!
Guten Tag und Wie Geht’s, Bitches!!
It’s going to be a glorious day. Oktoberfest has come to Bagwine!!
That’s right jungen und mädchen, my brother Marty and his uber-lovely wife are throwing an Oktoberfest bash today at their palatial estate.
It’ll be like partying the afternoon away in Berchtesgaden. Well, except we won’t be surrounded by Nazis, unless of course, my brother John shows up. I mean, while his last name is of course Mahoney, it may as well be Goebbels.
Kidding of course…I kid because I love. Okay, he did throw one of my sisters up against the wall once because she woke him from his nap, but hey…what’s a little happy horseplay amongst siblings?
I do love drinking some brew ha ha’s with my family. They are all incredibly rude, infantile, and over the top with their caustic wits. It will be wunderbar.
Plenty of food, beer, laughs, and tom foolery. And…
I’m taking the R-Man with me.
While I am first and foremost Ryno’s dad, he is next to Schmoop, my very best friend, and we never stop laughing when we are together in situations like this.
Uncle Marty will be giving him Oktoberfest shit all day, and Ryno will be giving it right back. Good times…good times.
I am a little bummed that Marty couldn’t get the Pope to stop by. It would have been way cool having Blitzkrieg Benny give the Oktoberfest Benediction.
He could stand over a stein of beer, and while wearing his big, holy, iron cross, wail on about strength through joy, and then pontificate about the irony of him leading a church that is based upon the teachings of a long haired Jew boy, whom if he had met in 1944 he would have shot in his Heeb head with his Luger.
Oh the hilarity that would ensue. But alas…Benny can’t make it.
Anyhoo…The get-together should be a gas…or should I say, a mustard gas. Ha!!
Another positive on this Oktoberfest day? The weather is going to be nice, and since I am not picking up Ryno until this afternoon, I can watch all of the Fox and Friends weekend show, and you know what that means…
That’s right.
Three whole hours of drooling and fantasizing about the love of my life…Alisyn Camerota. Purrrrrr.
Look at that sick and twisted tongue on her. Alisyn…Ich liebe Dich.
Have a wonderful Saturday all, and of course…
Cheers, Prost, and Hau weg den Scheiss!!
You see, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.
