Monday, March 08, 2010

Agony and Profundity

I sit in solitude…

alone with the constant hum of a dirty fan and the strain that I currently feel.

I try to find comfort through murmured words of self-encouragement.

I seek temporary distraction from the pain in the pages of an old magazine.

I sit in solitude…

alone on a throne of self-pity with my body and soul naked, yet secluded from all.

I seek relief from the agony by contorting both physically and mentally.

And then,

Through my inner strength and with the outburst of a renegade paroxysm, it happens…

From out my ass, I expel the biggest fuckin’ turd to ever exist in me.


Holy Shit people. This son of a bitch was huge!! It was seven feet long if it was a foot, and as wide as beer can....long ways.

I mean…don’t get me wrong…It was great to get rid of this mother of all bowel bombs, but crap…

When I went to wipe away the sphincter sauce, I nearly lost my hand in my ass. I swear to God my porthole was as big around as a Florida grapefruit drunk on Miracle-Gro.

I know this sounds crazy, but when I was done and walked from the bathroom to the living room, I swear to God I could hear my asshole whistling and bellowing like a Kansas tornado.

I haven’t eaten bread or pasta in 20 days, but if this is the result, as soon as Easter comes, I am going to eat a plate of spaghetti and a loaf of garlic bread every damn day so this never happens again…Ever!!

I want to thank you for reading this and in turn, sharing this profound life experience of mine with me.

Enjoy your Monday, all. I will be spending part of mine at work, limping around like a prison cell bitch.

Cheers!!

23 comments:

Lu' said...

I once told my Hubs after I came out of the bathroom, I think I just shat a Winnebago HA!
Cheers my friend.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ha...I guess you would call that an Excremntal Vehicle. Cheers Pal!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

That was enlightening... I feel like I know you so much better. LOL

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Ha...I feel that people know me inside and out adds to the overall reading experience. Cheers D!!

MysteryChick said...

I really need to remember to never, ever have anything in my mouth when I read your posts. (Either that or I'm going to have to invest in a keyboard skin for my laptop.)

You never disappoint.

Desert Rat said...

Okay, you've finally done it. I for realz have tears running out of my eyes from laughing. I'm feelin' right sorry for your sphincter but am nonetheless impressed with your "achievement!"

Mike said...

"I sit in solitude… alone with the constant hum of a dirty fan and the strain that I currently feel."

I knew you were heading in a shitty direction when I read that opening.

Scott Oglesby said...

I have to remember not read this blog while eating breakfast. But I think that there is nothing better in the world than a world class shit. It’s just so liberating.

I love that painting.

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Well thanks. Even more than being inspired, I was "moved". Cheers Chick!!

Rat: Ha. It was mixture of pleasure and pain, but dammit...I should have gotten a picture. Cheers Rat!!

Mike: My obviosity often proceeds me. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: I dig the picture too. I always seem to luck into finding just the right one. And yeah...

Post-Good Shit Partum is a great feeling. Cheers Scott!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...never has the evacuation of one's bowels been elucidated with such an exquisite pairing of pathos and humor...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha...That was wonderful. I may put that on my sidebar as a testament to my wordsmithiness. Cheers P-Man!!

Jay said...

So, after I post a link to Alec Baldwin's "Always Be Closing" speech from "Glengarry Glen Ross" on Twitter last night, you give me the opportunity to quote Al Pacino from the same film:

"You ever take a dump made you feel like you'd just slept for twelve hours?"

You're such a giver dude. ;-)

Hilarious post buddy.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: HA!! Yeah well, what can I say? Thnaks Jay. Cheers to ya!!

Candice said...

You'll pinch that loaf any way you can.

David said...

>>>Post-Good Shit Partum

That term absolutely should be enshined in medical literature as well as be the #1 response to EVERY google search.

David said...

Well damn. My friends, the Googles, have failed me. To create a self-fulfilling prophecy and just for the kink of it all I googled "Post-Good Shit Partum" and nada, bupkis. I guess the Googles can't see comments on a blog.

Matt-Man said...

Candice: Well of course I will. That's why I'm called the Butt Baker. Cheers Candice!!

David: Ha...Don't worry. Google can pick up comments, but sometimes there is a lag time. It may be there in the future. Cheers David!!

Micky: But you meant that in the best possible way dintcha? Cheers Mick!!

Four Dinners said...

PROFOUND!!!!

Personally I would have taken a pic and got it framed...

...but that's just me...

Actually...my next post...I wonder...;-)

Angell said...

Oh my Matt.

Dude, tis a fact - I CANNOT read you at work anymore.

My boss is staring at me like I've got two heads, and my monitor ALMOST got a bath. My sides hurt and I've retyped the same sentence three times.

SIGH.

Thank you so much for taking the time, and caring enough to share that with us.

RobinF said...

Matt.. after reading your words and seeing that piece of artwork all I can say is... that was an existential excremental experience. And remember...fruits, veggies and whole grains are mother natures colon toothbrush.
Here's to more successful pooping! I always knew you were full of shit...LOL

Matt-Man said...

Four: I know. I wasn't thinking. I feel much shame for missing that opportunity. Cheers FD!!

Angell: Ha...I truly enjoy hearing that person laughed out loud at work while reading my blog. Hope your well, Angell. Cheers!!

Robin: Of course I'm full of shit. After all, I'm Matt-Man, Bitch. Cheers Robin!!

Dana said...

This was just ... well ... disturbing!