Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Springtime Comes To Bagwine

Between a post that Scott did a couple of days ago, and the recent upward spike in the temperature here in Bagwine, Ohio, I have been inspired.

While Spring is still eleven days away, there are definite signs of its impending arrival rearing their vernal head in the greater Bagwine metroplex.

There are furry bud cocoons poking out on the ancient Magnolia tree that grows next to our apartment building which has lost its gutters due to the heavy snow and ice this winter.

When stepping outside and smelling the pre-Spring air, one can catch a whiff of the methamphetamine operations cooking up the first batches of the season…just in time for St. Patrick’s Day.

There’s a spring in the step of every hooker…a smile on the face of every pimp, and the homeless are once again maneuvering along every sidewalk and alley with their shopping carts full of cans and coat pockets full of cigarette butts.

Through the recently opened windows of every dwelling one can hear the lamp throwing and cries of young children associated with every incident of an unwed mother and dead beat father beating the shit out of each other after one too many 40 ounce bottles of Milwaukee’s Best Ice.

Gone too, are the vestiges of this winter’s abnormally high snowfall; the ivory foulard that once covered the ground has since departed…

Now, upon the fertile Bagwine soil, contained in the mud, empty Funyun bags, and a stream of urine collecting next to the dumpster, steeps the promise and smell of warmer days ahead.

Yes my friends…Spring is drawing nigh in Bagwine, Ohio.

The first robin of the season has been shot and eaten. The first bicyclist of the spring has been hit.


The first amusingly off the wall prediction that the Cincinnati Reds will finally have a winning record this year has already been made.

Oy…

But…It’s nice going to work without wearing my weight in clothes. It’s nice getting off of work when there is still a hint of light in the sky, and…

Its nice working with the owner of the Beer Mine, Drive-By Mikey, when the weather is warming.

You see, Ol’ Mikey hates winter, but today as the temp burst into the 50’s under a beautiful blue and sunny sky, Mike burst into song and dance for 13 seconds as he channeled the late James Brown…

In Mikey’s voice and laugh I hear the sound of a crazy man who has lost it the clarion call of Spring. I shall rejoice in it.

Here’s to Spring in Bagwine. May the fertile spirit of her eternal youth blanket us soon.

Cheers!!

18 comments:

MysteryChick said...

Can I come work you? The commute will be hell, but worth it.

MysteryChick said...

With you?

Sheesh, I don't think Shmoop would appreciate me "working" you!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Damn you beat me to it...I was going to say, "Hell yeah you can work me!! And sure...c'mon aboard, but don't expect to get paid for mileage. Cheers Chick!!

Desert Rat said...

Dang! Your spring kind of sounds like our fall - that's when we open our windows after the Hell of the infernal heat of summer. The birds that haven't fried as embryos in their shells start to sing, the trees shimmer in that "certain slant of light," and couples start having sex again without fear of third-degree burns.

Ahhhhh....

3 Men and a Lady said...

I can tell it's getting close to spring b/c all the little neighborhood brats are out and about.

I'm happy to see longer days, too.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha. Very Nice. But its a dry heat there. You know, like an oven. Can't everyone stick their head in an oven without discomfort? Cheers Rat!!

Lady: That was quite noticeable around here today as well. I wish I had had a paintball gun on me. Chers D!!

Jay said...

Well, you beat me to the meth labs being back in business as springtime comes around post. You win this round! haha

You painted a really vivid, yet depressing picture of Bagwine for us. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha...I like to be vivid. In this black and white world of ours, Bagwine, Ohio is where life meets color. And my friend, I just gave you a bit of foreshadowing. Cheers Jay!!

Mike said...

Remember Indian summer? Well I'm predicting Pilgrim winter. Remember when all the Pilgrims died? It's coming. It's not over yet.

Scott Oglesby said...

That was beautiful and compelling prose my man! I just thought of a new shtick for your comedy routine; comedic poetry. I serious too, I don’t mean Dice Clay parody garbage but inspired language mixed with profound humor. Think about it.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Oh I know. I'm sure it will get cold again and probably snow at some point as well, but hey, I'll take it while I can. Cheers Mike!!

Scott: Thanks and you have read my mine. The last two posts have been intentionally written in that vein so I can see how they turn out. You are a perceptive man. Cheers Scott!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...soon Mic will be cavorting in the glen wearing his spring foulard moo moo...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: I know, and I'm all a-twitter thinking about it. Cheers P-Man!!

Doc said...

Bring on the spring!!! I love it... and before you know it it will even be Easter. And we all know what the Easter bunny is bringing the Matt-Man... No not colored eggs but a whole loaf of garlic bread with a side of Cheesburgers.

Matt-Man said...

Doc: The Easter menu has already been set. I am craving a damn Pizza Hut Meat Lover's Pan Pizza. (Sorry Bill). When the Baby Jeebus rises so will my crust. Cheers Doc!!

David said...

Meth lab operators take a winter hiatus???? Are they vacationing in the south of France or do they enjoy the breezes of a Caribbean island?

What about their customers? Do they outsource to India?

Matt-Man said...

David: They winter in Mexico so they can enjoy the warmth, and teach the Mexicans the drug trade of the gringo. Cheers David!!

The Covert Lover said...

Ok, trying to catch up here...
I'm not sure how we got from big huge shit to James Brown Funyuns - but I love them both. Although Funyuns make me think of summers as a kid instead of spring. The weeks I spent at my BFF's house we walked to the store and had either Funyuns or Moonpies with RC Cola in a glass bottle for breakfast every morning. :)