Friday, April 02, 2010

Good Friday and Jesus: Dead Man Laughing

It's Super Happy Hole-ly Week Happy Hour™...so drink up Bitches; the laughs and Bagwine are on me.

As I have pointed out many times, Jeebus is one funny Messianic Muthafuckah.

Facing certain death did not dull JC’s spear tipped wit.

When the Romans came to escort him to his demise, he told them:

“I can’t go until I do LX Push-Ups and do my XXX minute Pontius Pilates workout, LOL. I wanna be able to push away that big stone later. LOL…and whatever shall I wear? I‘ve never been much of a cross dresser. LOL.”

And then Jeebus spoke to a couple of the Centurions:

“Hey boys, I had the strangest dream last night. God was speaking to me and he kept calling me Moses.

I said, "Father, my name is Jesus, not Moses. Yet God kept calling me Moses, Moses, Moses..."

I finally said to him, "My God, my God, why have you mistaken me? LOL."


Yeah baby, JC’s stand-up act was kickin’ ass to the end. He even turned his Heavenly Hilarity onto one of the condemning Rabbis:

“Yo, Rabbi, what’s the difference between a horny pig and a Jew? A horny pig eats pork. Bada Bing, Bitches. LOL.”

And then he spoke...

"Y'know how I walked on water? I strapped on a pair of water moccasins. LOL"

Once at Golgotha, and being readied to be hung up, J-Mac entertained the crowd by doing one of his now famous Knock-Knock jokes…

Like the one he told to the onlookers, using Simon as his straight man:

“Knock-Knock…Who’s There? God…God Who? Goddam this is gonna hurt!! LOL.”

He brought the crowd down with that one and then Jeebus had a request. He shouted to Andrew:

“Yo, ‘Drew-Dawg…Get this party started by throwing on some Crucifixion music. Throw on that song that I like so much.”

With that, Andrew played this, centuries later, Bagwine Classic:


After the Romans nailed JC to the cross, and firmly planted the crucifix into the hillside, Jeebus got in one last zinger:

“I’m just glad that the KKK has yet to be invented, because they’d set this crucifix on fire, and I’d end up with Hot Cross Buns. LOL”

And with that, the crowd laughed, Jeebus looked skyward, and simply said...

“Tetelestai, Bitches”.

And so it was…

Only two days until I can eat bread again…Praise Jeebus!!

Have a wonderful weekend and a Happy Easter all.

Cheers!!

P.S. Congrats to the University of Dayton Flyers who won the 2010 NIT Basketball Championship. They defeated the Tar Heels of North Carolina 79-68 Thursday night. Take that you ACC Bitches. Boo Yah!!

25 comments:

The Covert Lover said...

I had to LOL more than once during this post.
That's one of my favorite Jeebus pics ever... that one and the YMCA pic. :)

Two days, just "hang" in there!

Matt-Man said...

Covert: Ha. I dig that picture as well and the YMCA pic. I've used that one before too. I'll hang in there. Hope you have a wunnerful weekend hot stuff. Cheers Lover!!

Mike said...

“Tetelestai, Bitches”

Did he make a gang sign too?

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Well sorta...He gave Judas the middle finger. Cheers Mike!!

Jay said...

I never did catch Jesus' act when he was headlining the Sands in Vegas. I hear he really brought in the crowds though. Dude is so damn funny.

And now? I'm going to YouTube to find some music that will keep me from singing "The Resurrection" all night. haha ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: He always gives Wayne Newton a run for his money. Enjoy the song and may it never leave your mind until after Easter. Cheers Jay!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

I do love the "BRB" and "LOL" on the picture... as sacrilegious as it may be, I just giggle thinking of Jesus saying BRB.

I'm still giggling.

Scott Oglesby said...

I had a witty little comment in my head and all ready to go, until I read that the Dayton…(?) somebody’s beat the mother fu**ing N.C. Tar Heels. Damn, I’ve been away too long. WTF is going on? Why wasn’t NC in the NCAA? Is this a freaky Friday thing? What the what now?

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Hee Hee. I am still amused by it even after having used it often. Cheers D!!

Scott: Hey Now...Don't be dissin' the U of D basketball program. And North Carolina? They barely had a .500 record during the regular season this year. It's a wacky world ain't it? Cheers Scott!!

Doc said...

Saying a little prayer for you Matt man... Enjoy the bread on sunday. I'll be out on vacation but will try and peek in on you.

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Eh, I'll be fine. God digs me. Have fun on vacation, Doc. Happy Easter and Cheers!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

You are sooo going to hell. LOL!!! Am I because I laughed?

Matt-Man said...

Evil: Ya think? I am hoping that God thinks that I kid because I love. Have a great Easter ETW. Cheers!!

MysteryChick said...

Now I have coffee on my laptop in addition to the Mike's Hard Lemonade. Damn! I know better than to read your posts while my mouth is full!

This has been a very educational week for me.

Here's to Easter Pizza. Will you be having it with ham?

Matt-Man said...

Mystery: Ha...No, no ham, but I do like pepperoni. I'll geta hard on while eating it. Have a wonderful Easter Chick, and clean your computer before people start referring to you as a slob. Cheers Chick!!

Marilyn said...

That picture needs a little speech bubble from the clouds, saying, "afk". Then it'd be perfect.

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: You are much hipper than I, because I haven't a clue as to what "afk" means. Please impart, and if you don't, have a wonderful Easter my friend. Cheers Marilyn!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I don't know whether to genuflect, resurrect, or count my IXV's....afk! (whatever the frick that means!)...

bobbybegood1 said...

Bags!!! What's up dude. This is my second time trying to post. My computer is totally FUCKED UP today. I don't know what the fucking problem is. I posted a nice post, but forgot some of what I said. I'll just say I glad to be back blogging with you. Missed your posts. Nice video. But, you keep talking about Jeebus like you do, and I'll see you in hell my friend. Hahahahaha. Wonderful post. Cheers Matty!!

P. S. Was that 1:25 am or pm?

bobbybegood1 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Oh Hell dude, just eat some good crusty bread and drink some wine and all will be right with the world. Cheers P-Man!!

Bobby: Ha, Thanks...I'm glad you are back, I was thinking of you the other day. I find you quite amusing, and I am not being depricating or sarcastic. I'll be by soon. Cheers Michelle!!

Marilyn said...

afk means away from keyboard, which would be perfect from my perspective because of that whole, "why hast thou forsaken me" thingum... God just had to pee or something, you know. Probably a lot more funny to a PsuedoCatholic MUD nerd than anybody else, but I'm cracking myself up anyway.

Mrs. D said...

LMAO @ Marilyn's comment!! AFK, that's so appropriate!

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Ha. That is funny. Cheers Marilyn!!

Lady: Marilyn has always been one funny woman. Cheers D!!

Marilyn said...

Awwww... thanks