Saturday, May 15, 2010

Career Ruminations

I am pondering my next career venture. I have a couple of primo vocational avenues that I want to explore.

First, I would quite enjoy making my foray into the porn industry. They use the “not quite ready for prime time” women to get the stud ready for the scene by “fluffing” him.

I would like to be a “fluffer” for the women stars. Of course I couldn’t be called a “fluffer” because that is too girly.

I was thinking maybe “moisturizer”, but that’s kinda feminine as well. “Juicer” was a thought, but that has connotations of steroid use.

So, I finally settled on the term, “humidifier”. There is of course a down side, and that is that I would probably start taking my work home with me.

I have always given some thought to moving to Central America and becoming a “strongman”, no, not the circus performer kind, but rather the leader of an insurgent guerrilla group that takes on “The Man”.

I would get to wear a cool uniform, sunglasses, smoke Cuban cigars, and travel in a Jeep through the jungle. Everyone around me would agree with me, and call me, “La Rose Grande”.

Of course, this job also has its down side. I would be surrounded by nothing but dudes, the weather is usually wretched, and I would have to worry whether or not my next mango and plantain salad contained strychnine.

As I mentioned, the travel would be fun, but most of it would be through the jungle, I would encounter monkeys. Monkeys disturb me. I hate monkeys.

Maybe I'll just hire myself out as a, "Life Coach".

These are my thoughts on this Saturday...Odd? Eh. Working 11-9 today, and off tomorrow, but will be going to the funeral home.

Always a pleasant place to be on a Sunday. No one talks back to ya.



Phfrankie Bondo said...

...not such odd thoughts...I think everyone secretly wants to be a humidifying strongman life coach...and we all hate monkeys whether we know it or not...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: I knew that your voice would be the voice in the wilderness that understood my yearnations. Cheers P-Man!!

Mike said...

I had to read up on fluffer in wikipedia and the urban dictionary. I learned something new today. Now I can take the rest of the day off.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha...You learn so much here dontcha? Have a wunnerful weekend. Off to work now. Cheers Mike!!

Joker_SATX said...

See? I would never make it Porn. I am the kinda guy that does what he feels is appropriate at that time. To serve on command? Not so much!

I do however applaud you for your consideration!

Make it Do What it Do Matt-Man!

Desert Rat said...

The funeral home?

Hey, I'ma color a fairy just for you! Thank you, my friend! Zoves to Schmoop!

Jay said...

The porn industry found that they could save money by just having all their dudes take Viagra (covered by their prescription plans) so they were able to lay all their fluffers off. Those former fluffers now work for Bill O'Reilly, Keith Olberman and Rachel Maddow. (cheap shot, I know)

You could also choose South American Drug Lord. You'll still get to wear the uniform and sunglasses and ride through the jungle in a Jeep, but you also get to do lines of cocaine off a stripper's ass. Of course, the down side is that it ends with you going down in a hail of gunfire. Wait, it is pretty much like a Strong Man, isn't it? Weird.

Scott Oglesby said...

That’s funny I’ve always fancied myself a Che Guevara-esqe, rebel, freedom fighter myself. But my cigar would always be unlit and I’d snort blow all day by dipping a Rambo knife into a 10 kilo garbage bag. This would both keep me motivated in the oppressive heat and instill fear in my enemies. Because really, only crazy people snort blow with a Rambo knife.

How can you not like monkeys? I love monkeys; they are the best animals ever!

Matt-Man said...

Joker: When it comes to going south on a chck, I need no encouragement or command. I'll make it do. Cheers Joker!!

Rat: Hee Hee. Color away my friend. Glad to know that you're back and that everything arrived intact. Cheers Adorable One!!

Jay: I'm a big fan of cheap shots. And yeah, the hail of gunfire is a drawback but, it's worth it. Cheers Jay!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: No blow for me.I'm strictly a heroin kinda guy. I love the yam yam so.

And the monkeys? They creep me out nearly as much as clowns. Cheers Scott!!

David said...

I'm really surprised that you didn't place on your list of choices being a millionaire playboy sailing the 7 seas and capturing Somali Pirates to hold them for ramsom, which would actually be their ill-gotten gains from capturing all those oil tankers.