Friday, May 14, 2010

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiday so wring me out like a dirty sponge, cause’ I’m off today and soakin’ up life, Bitches!!

The ol’ “Top Hat” thingy that BP wanted to use to stop the oil flow on the fucked up rig isn’t going to work. No problem...


I have the solution to getting rid of the oil from the gulf and plugging the well.

Let’s soak up the oil spill with a giant ShamWow. It’ll soak the spill up faster than Rosie O’Donnell lapping up gravy from a bowl.

Then, we could plug the actual leak by tossin’ that hooker beatin’ ShamWow spokesguy into the leaky pipe. I’m a fucking genius.

Wooly Bully….Wooly Bully. Ha. Sam ShamWow and the Pharaohs. Wooly Bully.


Son of a Bitch, I just had a moustache whisker pulled out my face when I took a sip from my beer can.

What a wicked pisser. The other day I burned my damn finger. I went to take my smoke from my mouth and it stuck to my lip and my fingers slid down the cigarette to the burning head. Ouch. Ha…burning head.

Reminds me of the time I contracted gonorrhea. Just kidding. Never had gonorrhea. That I know of. Wooly Bully. Speaking of cigarettes, I need a smoke.

Mmmmmmm, so good and good for me. Chock full of that much needed tar that my body yearns for. Ha. I love the Ally Bank commercials.

Just saw the egg management fee one. Egg Management fee. Hee Hee. My kid loves those ads as well. He’s into baby jokes now.

On the way to school Thursday, Ryno asked me, “What’s the difference between a baby and an onion? I don’t cry when I chop up babies.”


Ha. I was laughing my ass off because he couldn’t stop laughing. I so love my little freak.

Wooly Bully…duh duh Wooly Bully. I may clean my closet out today after I get back from my walk to the Beer Mine this morning.

Of course, I’ve been threatening to clean it out for the last three Fridays. Corky will be pissed if I do. She likes to sleep in there. But I must. I must. I must increase my bust. Mmmmmm, tits.

I hope I get to play with Schmoop’s tits when she gets home tonight. I like her boobies. They’re like muskmelons. Well, muskmelons with nipples. She has a nice ass too.

It’s not big, but when I smack it, it makes the most amazing sound. It has a musical quality about it. It’s like her ass is the Mormon Tabernacle Choir of asses. Hallelujah and A-Fucking-Men!!

Having sex with Schmoop always reminds me of Geometry class. I can be on top of her and next thing I notice is that her legs are stretched out like a perfect 180 degree angle. And then…

Before I know it, she’ll have her uber-smooth legs and ankles all mismangled up behind her ears forming a prototypical rhombus. I’m going to start calling her, Euclid.

Damn straight. At some point tonight, I’m going to stick my postulate into her theorem and prove that hot sex is good for body, soul, AND mind. Eureka!! Oh wait...


Archimedes said that, not Euclid. Eh, what?

Eureka…isn’t that what a dago says when he thinks someone smells bad? Wooly Bully.

Okay kidz…My stream is drying up, so I must be off to…well, to do whatever.

Have a wonderful Friday all, and if you can, get hot and perpenDICKular with someone.

Cheers!!

18 comments:

Jetsa said...

I think the ShamWow can come quite handy after you lovebirds finish being perpendikular. I prefer getting diackonical. Happy Fiday Matty!

Matt-Man said...

Jetsa: We don't have a ShamWow, bu tthere is always a towel laying next to the bed. Enjoy your geometric position. Cheers Jet!!

Mrs. D said...

You made geometry interesting! I hope you get home schooled tomorrow;-)

And my cat loves the bottom of the closet, too. Especially when he finds a nice pair of shoes to curl up on. He's got a shoe fetish.

Matt-Man said...

D: Ha...Cork curls up in my pile of clothes in the back of the closet. That's why she'll be pissed. Most of them don't fit and I'll get rid of them.

Here's to the hotness that is Geometry!! Cheers D!!

Mike said...

I'm getting to know Schmoops bottom half very well. The second digit on her foot is slightly separated from her big toe. Unusal but I'm sure it lets you get a better lip lock on the sucker.

And she also has a LONGER second digit. Longer than her big toe. As do I. According to the Internet that is a sign of higher intellegence. No offence but I may have to research that more since she hangs out with you. And since I come here also.

Scott Oglesby said...

I could have done without the first images, I hate seeing shit like that. Ugh.

I could have told them that the top hat wasn’t going to work. Who’s coming up with this shit, a fifth grader?

I think that eureka is what a dago says when his piss burns. That’s why they named the hole the urethra….just sayin.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha. Get back with me when you have all of this figured out but one thing. Schmoop hates anything foot related. Some people have a foot fetish...Schmoop has an anti-foot fetish. Cheers Mike!!

Scott: I know...but, it was relevant to the post. Ha. I guess being Italian you would know. Cheers Scott!!

Doc said...

You Sir are a freaking riot! Have a great weekend Matt-Man.

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. Why thanks. Right back atcha Mr. Doc. Cheers!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I feel your moustache hair pain...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Is that a tear jerker or what? I hate when that happens. One time it happened to me while in the living room and Schmoop heard the metallic pluck from the bedroom. Holy Cow. Cheers P-Man!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I can put both legs behind my head. I don't think it's geometry, I think it's just being really bendy and limber.

And, my 2nd toe is smaller than my big toe. I don't buy into that "more intelligent" thing because a longer 2nd toe is the common form. My toes are downright adorable.

Matt-Man said...

Evil: Hee Hee. I am glad that you have adorable toes, everyone should be so damn lucky.

And the limber thing? Schmoop at 44 is still pretty damn limber. And I have been blessed with a gf who is double jointed. Purrrrr. Cheers ETW!!

Beth said...

"Blushing"

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Ha...The only time you blush is when I tell you that you look wonderful and/or that I love you. You know you are incredible in the sack. False modesty on parade, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Cheers and Zooooooves, my Schmoop!!

Jay said...

Remember kids. Geometry WILL come in handy when you're an adult and flexibility is almost NEVER overrated.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I'm glad that Schmoop has enough flexibility for two people 'cause I got none left. Cheers Jay!!

Dana said...

I'm finally getting caught up and this is where I start?? Hmmm ....