Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Online Dating: Men Seeking the Fallopian Tubes of the Internets

Our Bagwine retrospective of the last four years continues today.

My selflessness has often compelled me to use my site for the greater good. On October 25, 2006, I allowed my blog to be used by single guys who were desperately seeking well, any chick they could get...


Pizza Man In Search of Pie…

Hi Ladies. My name is Dave I’m 28, clean, courteous, and work in the kitchen at Pizza Hut. I am looking for a saucy woman who can make my dough rise. I’m into bowling, tractor pulls, and being your backdoor buddy.


I have seniority, so I’m free on the weekends. If you’re a female between the ages of 20-60, who is looking for some extra sausage, call me and I’ll deliver. Please, no extra larges.

If Dave makes you “hunger”, type in: DeepDish69 and leave your message.

M.B.A. Looking for G.A.L.…

My name is Myron, but hopefully some lovely girl will soon be calling me “My-man” LOL. I am an accountant for the city of Centerville, and let me tell you, I play by the numbers!! LOL.


If you are looking for someone with whom to share a picnic , a hayride, or even a feisty game of checkers, let me king you!! LOL.

I am a Caucasian male, 5’9”, and weigh 123 lbs. My eyes are hazel, and my hair is an off shade of ginger. It’s getting cooler out, let’s share some hot chocolate!! LOL.

If you want Myron to “audit” you, type in: Abacus1040A and leave your message.

Public Servant Seeks Oval Orifice…

My name is George, and I’m what you call a long tall Texan, baby. I is a pubic servant when I’m not out tapping dry oil fields or laying waste to goddamn innocent, yet well-deserving countries.


I’d like to find a babe who is fine with just sitting around drinking a few cold ones and gnawin’ on some Mister Saltys.

What I do is hard work and sometimes involves, "eps-see-ah-nahjjj." Turns ya on, don’t it. I may not be the brightest, but I’m the baddest SOB you’ll ever meet. Bring it on, baby!!

Want to raise George’s pole number? type in: CrotchRocketOne and leave your message.

Huddled Mass Seeks Helpful Miss…

I am newly arrival from the Republic of Turdministan. My name called Bendel Gobo. I am six summers shy of my 40th autumn.

I am happy to taste the fruits of US woman. I would like to meet woman who is goodly ample with breastesses. Also one who claims food and drink to share.

I fix things around hovel to make spic and span. My looks are good. I am what you call “stud-biscuit”. Let us get together and make date. My tuberculosis is improved much lot.

If you would like to “assimilate” Bendel, type in: HoboGobo and leave your message.

Devoted Son Seeks Blonde Beauty…

I am a shy but loving Motel keeper. When I am not doing my Motel duties, I take care of my elderly mother. After all, a boy’s best friend is his mother!! I don’t set a fancy table, but it’s always homey. : )


I am searching for an attractive young woman to spend the evenings with and possibly a lifetime. Blonde hair a plus!!

I hate the smell of dampness…It’s such a, I don’t know...creepy smell. But yet, I really enjoy getting rough with a young lady in the shower. ; )~~

I hope you’re out there for me and mother. You won’t be sorry, because I am caring and I guess I have one of those faces you can’t help believing.

If you want to “reserve” this man, type in: Stormin’Norman1960 and leave a message.

As far as I know, these guys are all still available, and...well, I am off today, so I am available between the hours of 7 A.M. and 4 P.M. if you'd like to hook up with me before Schmoop gets home.

Cheers!!

23 comments:

Mike said...

"available bewteen the hours of 7 A.M. and 4 P.M"

If you can get to St. Louis for a bit we'll go to Ted Drews and get some frozen custard. I think you can make it!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: I could make it there but couldn't make it back in time, dammit. Can ya ship me some? Cheers Mike!!

Scott Oglesby said...

When are you going to put the lovely ladies up there? I always peruse Craig’s List and try to ‘follow up’ but they turned out to be dudes 3 times, and I had to escape imprisonment in what was sure to be a life of sexual slavery twice.

This was some funny shit!

Charlene said...

Every man of my acquaintence looks at Craig's List and Backpage frequently. I think it's a new source of porn, or something. :o)

Doc said...

You can't find love on the internet.. don't you know all those people are fake?

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Ha. Well better luck to you on your quest. I think I did one involving the ladies I'll have to find it. Thanks and Cheers Scott!!

Charlene: My source of porn typically involves drooling over Google images of greasy food. Cheers Charlene!!

Doc: I used to think the same thing until I discovered you and fell head over heels. cheers Doc!!

Michele said...

As lovely as all those guys sound I think I'll stay with JR. I've got him trained just the way I like him. Have a great day.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: I am sure JR is perfect but Mr. Gobo sounds like a whole lotta fun. Cheers Michele!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...Cold-hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colors from our sight
Red is gold and yellow white
And we decide which is right
And which is an illusion...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: I saw them in concert w/ a full orchestra behind them. It was magnifique'. Cheers P-Man!!

Swampy said...

Dear Dave the Dough Boy, MBA Myron the Moron, Public Servant Is That a Rocket in Your Pocket, et al.

Since I am happily married and not in the market for any Stormin' Norman's, I have forwarded your messages to All the Single Ladies on my Facebook Friends' List. I'm sure you will be hearing from many of them very soon. Until then, hold your breath, and give me a call anytime, 24 hours a day, the second Tuesday of the week, for additional names.

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie (redux): And as I am off today and in need of music to accompany my drinking I believe you have set the tune agenda. Cheers P-Man!!

Matt-Man said...

Swampy: Awww how nice. And here I thought I was the giver. You Swampy, are selfless. Thanks for the comment, and Cheers!!

David said...

I used to have a penpal named Bendel Gobo but at the time he was living in Absurdistan. He often remarked that he was exactly the same measurement around as tall. I was never quite sure if he was rotund or well-hung. I never really understood why he wanted to give me that information either way but such is the nature of penpal relationships I suppose.

Do you think it is the same person?

I wondered what ever happened to him. It has been 4 years since your quest to help him with the ladies. I wonder if he is still single and looking to mingle.

So many questions, so few answers.

Matt-Man said...

David: So many questions you pose, so many ponderances, and yet the answer to all of it is, "Yes". Cheers David!!

Marilyn said...

Men: It's all wine and roses...

Jay said...

Maybe you should start a new business where you write personal ads for people. You could get rich!

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Or for a handful like myself, it's all about wine that has Rose in its name. Cheers Marilyn!!

Jay: Hmmmmmm, lessee...

Herring-fed Norseman from Arkansas who loves pork chops, seeks raven-haired, Southern Hemisphere beauty for Jamican Jerk Chicken, tequila, and one on one pillaging.

Contact Jay @ 1-800-IAM-THOR.

Cheers Jay!!

Jay said...

That's considerable better than my last personal ad...

"Shy man seeks quiet woman for disappointing evenings out."

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha...I bet there is some hot chick with a sense of humor somewhere who would actually appreciate that. Chers Thor!!

Dianne said...

I love the names you gave these poor pathetic - uh - these sexy wonderful men!!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ha...But seriously...Don't feign your complete indifference to these guys. You know you want em'. Cheers Sexy!!

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