Thursday, July 01, 2010

Canada Day: Fuck Em

It’s the first day of July, Bitches!! And you know what that means…

That’s right…It’s Canada Day!!

Today is the day that Canada celebrates its “independence” from the United Kingdom…um, okay, not really.

Today marks the day in 1867 that Canada was formally known as a Dominion…meaning several provinces of Canada united as one under the Crown of the United Kingdom.

See…Canada was never truly independent of the English bastards until 1982. 1982!!

Ha, Angola told Portugal to shove it some seven years earlier. Angola, folks!!

Hell even today, in spite of Canada's “independence”, the Queen of England (and no, I don’t mean Elton John) is still the legal head of state.

What the fuck kind of independence is that, I ask?

Holy Crap…

While Americans are gearing up to celebrate our independence from Britain that took the writing and signing of a “treasonous” document and a brutal war that lasted over six years...

The Canadians are celebrating the right of their provinces to associate with each other under the iron girdle of the British crown.

What a bunch of back bacon pussies.

Three days from now, we will be honoring great men such as George Washington, John Adams, Ben Franklin, and Patrick Henry.

Today, the Canadians will be paying homage to the likes of Anne Murray, Keanu Reeves, Howie Mandel, and Justin Bieber. And of course…The Queen.

Screw the Canadians…or is that, Canadiens? See?

They can’t even settle on the fucking spelling of who and what they are.

It all goes back to those damn French in Québec. The French in Québec are kinda like the Zoroastrians are in Afghanistan and Iran.

Oh sure…they’re there, but, pffffft, fuck ‘em.

Anyhoo…Let’s say fuck you to the Canadians and especially the Canadiens.

This July 4th, let’s celebrate our Independence Day by fully democratizing the Labatt Blue-induced piss out of the Canadians like we did the Germans, the Japs, and the Vietnamese…er…well, whatever.

We can fire cruise missiles, and send a squadron of B-2s to level their no-balls parliament.

And then, I’ll personally go to Buckingham Palace to bitch slap Queen Lizzy, and say unto Her Majesty:

“You wanna act like you still have an Empire? Well, free my neighbors to the north and go re-invade the sheep herders on the Falkland Islands…and by the way, Charles is fucking gay.”

Oh yeah, babies…

This year…

If America puts her mind to it, we can celebrate the 4th of July with drunken Canadians being killed by American made bombs instead of drunken Americans losing an eye or a finger to an errant, Chinese made Roman Candle.

I for one, can dig that. But…

It’s Canada Day!!, so I celebrate them…

But seriously, does anyone really give a shit?

It‘s not like they‘re really independent…or relevant.

Cheers!!

29 comments:

Michele said...

Have you been watching the Southpark movie? They spent a lot of time say F*&K Canada.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ha why not just type "fuck" Canada it's not like I didn't know what ya meant...sorry, pet peeve of mine. Glad you're safely home? I think you are? Cheers to ya!!

Mike said...

I got to the first picture and forgot what you were talking about. Now if you'll excuse me I have to back to counting maple leafs.

Scott Oglesby said...

Yea but they do comedy pretty good. And George St. Pierre is the best pound for pound fighter on the planet. And maple syrup. And Molson. And ….ok, I’m all out.

Desert Rat said...

Hey, if it wasn't for Canada, Phoenix, I mean, er, Glendale, wouldn't have a (rather shitty) hockey team which also means that the "Margaritaville" restaurant would have to be located somewhere else. Who knows, I may have even driven past Wayne Gretzky on the freeway and not even known it and it would all be thanks to Canada (and Jerry Colangelo, I guess, but mostly Canada).

Michele said...

I'm just too fucking ladylike.

Dana said...

Ahhh ... but they do produce HOT curlers ... not to be confused with hot rollers ...

Eh (said in my best Canadian accent), maybe I'd celebrate more if they had produced hot rollers!

Karen said...

LOL. The only good good things Canada offers us is the hockey hall of fame and the ability to cross the border and drink when we are 18. Oh and Justin Bieber. *Swoon*

Matt-Man said...

Mike: And what a bee yoo tee ful leaf it is. Purrrrrr. Cheers Mike!!

Scott: Well, they also...um...yeah, what you said. Cheers Scott!!

Rat: See? At least they did help YOU guys out. There's also another exceptional Canadian in Phoenix. Guard for the Phoenix Suns, Steve Nash. The man has had an amzaing career. Cheers Rat!!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ha...now that was sexy. Cheers Michele!!

Dana: Well you guys near Chicago do get a lot of cold air and snow from them. So, there's that. Cheers Dana!!

Karen: Ha...very good points. Especially about Justin, he's sooooo dreamy. Cheers Karen!!

MysteryChick said...

I like Canadians but Canadiens piss me off. Why are they so snooty anyway? If you want to act like a snooty French person move to France.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...loooooooooves me some Canada Dry ginger ale and Neil Young...

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Ha...and the funny thing is the French look down their noses at French Canadiens. I love irony. Cheers Chick!!

Phfrankie: D'oh...I am with you there, pfunny man...on both counts. Cheers P-Man!!

Micky-T said...

I don't get it. What's wrong with Canada? Why do you all have to bash our neighbors? Who here really has their nose stuck up in the air?

Oh! Oh! This is comedy, that's it.

It's us, the U.S. who thinks our shit doesn't stink. (just saying)

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Yeah it is satire and typically, the other 364 days of the year I make fun of America, Americans, and our government, but...

I enjoy living in the U.S.A. and I don't loathe it in spite of any mistakes we have or will make as a nation. I love it here. Cheers Mick!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

As long as they don't bomb the Baldwins it should all be good.


1982? Seriously? Hehe

Matt-Man said...

Dingo: Ha, yeah, seriously. Cheers Doll!!

Micky-T said...

I know you love it Matt, what's not to like?
But you really are missing the perspective of traveling and living elsewhere. No big deal your not alone by millions.

Scott did a great satire today. So much truth hidden in the lines. He could of only done that because he "is" elsewhere and has been other places. That's my point.
It's easy to point fingers from far away.

Oh, I don't know how to say what I really feel. Why can't we just all get along?

Dana said...

Micky, are you serious??

Those damn Canadians are stealing our prescription drug spending dollars AND have the audacity to butcher the English language with spellings like colour, honour and centre.

*shakes head* A satirical bashing is the LEAST they deserve!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: I did nothing more than poke fun of Canada. Not with hate. Not with anger. Just for fun, I was talking about the nation that is Canada.

Since you referenced Scott's post, you are obvioiusly referencing how Americans act. All Americans.

You are stereotyping 300 million people as all being the same. As being rude, crude, and loud.

I don't stereotype groups of people with any seriousness.

You also made a backhanded insult of me not knowing what's going on because I am not "well traveled", and that's cool, but it doesn't matter.

And it doesn't matter because no matter what country one goes to, no matter where one travels, there are only two types of people...

Those who are assholes and those who aren't. Being good or being bad isn't defined by national boundries.

People are people.

Cheers Mick!!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Good pointe. Cheers!!

you took it as a backhanded insult I didn't give it said...

But seriously, does anyone really give a shit?

Yes!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Well if you do give a shit, I say to you, Happy Canada Day. Cheers Mick!!

Mike said...

74

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha...That's a lot of Maple leaves. Cheers Mike!!

The Dish said...

Their accent pisses me off. It makes me want to drop kick small children.

cathy said...

If Matt Man offends you, you haven't been reading him long enough or don't understand what tongue in cheek means.(no Matt I'm not talking about oral sex of any kind)

Jay said...

Gimme a C.. eh? A.. Eh? N.. Eh? D .. Eh? What's it spell???

Canada!!!

I loved when the Simpsons visited Canada. They got there and looked around and Marge said "Oh everything is so clean and bland!" Or something like that.

Matt-Man said...

Dish: Drop kicking small children would be a cool sport to watch let alone participate in. Cheers Dish!!

Cathy: I know you didn't mean you were talking about oral sex, but in mind I will forever think that you were. Cheers to ya Cathy!!

Jay: Ha. Canada is the pre-eminent world leader when it comes to blandness. Cheers Jay!!