Tuesday Morning Re-Cap

I’m back!! I know you are all glad, since we as we all know...Matt Man sucks!

We had a great time at the 3^rd/4^th of July celebration, held at the palatial estate of my favorite people evah!

Thanks to the Martster, and the MB for a great time.

One issue…Please!! For the love of God, could you make your yard level? So many hills, steps, and then…more hills!!

I couldn’t walk down or up if I was sober!

Fortunately, I had a sixty something man help me down the most beautiful slate steps you have ever seen. Luckily, he was half popped also, and related to the Matt Man…somehow.

To be truthful, they have the most beautiful place in the world. I asked MB, “If I move into your finally finished basement, would you even know?” 

She said, "Go ahead, and no, I wouldn't notice." 

That is how big it is, and how awesome they are.

I also want to give a shout out to a great person that was at this party.

I will not mention him by name, because he asked me not to, but he is one of the funniest men I have ever met. I am putting his wife in for a sainthood. Also…their kids are adorable.

Matt Man, was accosted by the ladies, of course.  Well…the ones who were 60 years old or older. Jesus, they flock to this man I tell you.

They all looked at me like I was The Lord of the Underworld, thinking to themselves: “How dare you be here with him!?” 

I guess I shouldn’t go to parties looking like my hot ass self.

I was off work Monday, and I shall be off all next week. I have taken into consideration all of your ideas for that week.

I have decided to have a major amount of sex, sleep, and occasionally going outside. You know for that whole fresh air thing. No fears though, that won’t last long. I hate fresh air.

I’d like to go off task for a moment, and mention to Matt Man’s stalker...

Stop it. He’s mine, and I screw him on a regular basis...Just sayin.

Anyhoo, I had a great weekend, and I hope you all did too.

Zoooooves!!

P.S. Do me a favor and listen to Jay and Matt Man’s Independence Day I’m With Stupid radio show from Monday. It was actually pretty damn funny, and well, they need the ratings.

Throw those two poor fuckers a bone. You can play it off my right sidebar on the Blog Talk Radio archive machine. 

Hell, just play it and mute the sound if ya want, so they get a hit registered. Those two assclowns are such ratings whores, but I wuv them. 

Let Stupid Ring!!

Happy Independence Day, chuckleheads, Matt-Man here.

I know, I know many of you currently have massive red, white, and blue hangovers today as does Schmoop, and that is why I’m here.

We went to quite a festive 4^th of July blowout last night and the ol’ Schmoopster celebrated her independence on a level rivaled only by Ben Franklin.

Anyhoo…

Just wanted to say hi, and let you know that Jayman and I are broadcasting live today at 11 AM EDT on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.

So join us for the show by listening and calling in as we celebrate our freedom by attacking the Nanny Staters who are trying to regulate every aspect of our lives.

So grab a hangover beer and listen in by clicking HERE and/or calling in at 661.244.9852 at 11 AM EDT.

If we’re lucky…The lovely Tamra aka I’m With Stupid’s 2011 Mizz Red, White, and Mmmmmmm will call in.

Cheers!!

Independence Day

So…

It’s Friday once again my pretties, and the only people in the office are myself, and…my boss.

I’m just going to let that sink in for a moment.

Have you processed that little bit of information yet? Good…and thank you for your pity.

Much like the rest of this great country, it’s officially the holiday weekend here in Bagwine, and the beer will be flowing…so will the Chinese fireworks set off by my obnoxious neighbors at precisely 12 AM…2 AM…and 3 AM.

Why 3 AM instead of 4 AM, you ask, or you might not, whatevs…

It’s because Jim Bob and Durwood have finally realized that they are trashed, and need to finish up before they are discovered by the Po Po.

Oy!! This town of Bagwine, Ohio…let me tell ya.

A headline in our award winning newspaper yesterday reads:

“Ohio Patrol Warns Against Holiday Drunk Driving”

I figure…Hell, if it’s just a warning..?

I guess this has turned out to be a hodgepodge of utter bullshit, so…

I would like to take this time to direct you to the shiny new blog written by Jayman and Matt-Man: I’m With Stupid

Two great minds. One great blog. Lord help us all.

One funny thing about those two, though. They think that they can get more comments, and more hits than me.

Silly Boys.

Oh and don't forget...

I'm With Stupid airs Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT. 

Matt-Man may be flying solo on this episode, or if Time Warner craps out on us again, he may be flying no-lo.  Ha!!

Anyhoo..you can catch the show via their IWS Radio page HERE.

Have a wonderful 4^th of July Weekend, all…

Zoooooves!!

Jarts, Bouncy Houses, and Ponies: The Past, Present, and Future of Togetherness

When I was much younger, we used to have family cookouts quite often. I know, right? My fucked up family? Well, believe it or not, we actually used to like each other. Go figure.

Of course back then, I was too young to drink, which when one is surrounded by a bunch of drunks, sucks!!

I should note that my sister and her husband were not drunk. They…er…I mean she would walk around everyone with her self-righteous air that was form fitting.

But, it was still fun. Hell, we’d cook dogs, burgers, whatever. Play Jarts. The real Jarts with the pre-class action lawsuit, it’s all to protect the cheeeldren, metal tips.

We would have a Jarts championship every cookout, and my brother Steve usually won….evidently good weed is conducive to accurate Jart tossing.

We would also have a family photo. I still can’t figure out why one was men only and the other women and children. Hell, sometimes only the men got their picture taken. Just a weird tradition, I guess.

Alas, the cookout days are over and done now. Mom and Dad are gone, and to be honest, none of us like each other very much, or perhaps…we just don’t care.

M’eh, no skin off my butt.

Now though, I go somewhere else when I want a huge, colossal, drunken, game playing holiday cookout. Whewww, that was a mouthful!!

Whenever Matt-Man can drag me out of the house (once a year at best), we go to his brother Marty’s 4th of July Party. 

They don’t call him Party Marty for nothing, and calling his shindig an, “Extravaganza” is a complete understatement.

Marty and his beautiful wife don’t just throw parties, oh no…These parties are over the top, circus-like, fan fucking tastic!! And…

I am attending one this Sunday.

There won’t be any yard Jarts; however, there will be the following:

A Nacho Machine, a cotton candy machine, corn hole, a Family Olympics with prizes no less, wonderful food out the hoo ha, a river of potent potables, a live band, and dig it, one of those motherfucking, inflatable bouncy houses, plus...

Enough fireworks to make Bagwine, Ohio light up like the sky over Tripoli. Ha!!

Now remember, if you have ever read Matt’s posts about his brother’s house, this place has a pond and room for a pony…or eight.
I haven’t actually seen a pony yet, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I did.

I’m sure that there are other things that go along with this party, but that’s all I can remember. 

Marty and his wife are the nicest, sweetest people on the planet, and they love throwing parties like this.

Normally, I balk at going to huge things like this. I’m not very social, actually I’m quite awkward in these setting until I’m there for awhile, and there is the fact that Matt’s family is half the population of Bagwine…Ha!! Kidding!! Sort of, but…

This time? I’m kinda looking forward to it. Maybe I’ve changed. Maybe I’m becoming more of a people person.

Nah…

It’s because of the inflatable bouncy house, and the thought that there might be ponies.

Zoooooves!!

Love Is Where Urinals and Mullets Meet

It’s Sunday night and I just got back from my brother’s 4th of July party.

Ryno and I left early because I have to work 10-9 on Monday, but it was a blast…and a learning experience.

In fact, I have learned quite a bit of late…

First of all, while I have always known that my brother and his wife are good people, tonight while watching from a distance, I said to myself, “They are exceptional people.”

My brother Marty and his wife may be two of the kindest people in the world. And, they refinished their basement.

There’s a bathroom in the basement and Marty wanted this…

That’s right folks…in addition to the regular john, he wanted a urinal, and so it was. With a chalkboard above it; upon which I wrote the urinal comment…

I didn't write the above, "very chiec" comment. When I got home and told Schmoop about the urinal, Schmoop asked:

“Your brother is such a 12 year old, why does his wife put up with it?”

To which I said:

“She’s just as big a 12 year old as he is. She just hides it better.”

I also found out over the last couple of days that other than my BFF/OSP, Schmoop, Ryno may be my best friend.

Yes…I know I am his dad and that comes first, but man, he and I are like big pieces of genetic quilt squares sewn into a ginormous human mosaic of fun.

We kill each other…and as he has gotten older, he appreciates it as much, if not more, than I.

My brother Vince was at the party…

That’s right…Mr. Mullet Man was there, and he was “full of the holiday spirit.” At one point, Ryno saw that the half sauced Vinny was sitting down to eat by himself.

Vinny was looking around, to which I said to Ryno, “He’s probably looking for a napkin.” He was. Vinny went inside to get one.

Ryno pounced and said, “Dad we should hide his plate.” To which I said, “Oh, c’mon, that‘s not ni---okay, go boy.”

Ryno did, and for five minutes after Vinny came back out, he turned beet red and cussed as he looked for his plate of food. Ryno and I laughed.

And most importantly, we laughed between ourselves. Those jokes are best.

I also found out recently how resilient and adaptable Schmoop is. She acts like a hard ass but she is incredibly sweet.

We had a little bump in the road but then, we had make up sex. Here’s the result…


Yeah Baby!! Bruises don’t come without work, and trust me…I worked for those.

Well, actually, I just lay there, and she “earned” them. We do dig doing it cowgirl style!!

Anyhoo…One last thing.

A couple of my brothers asked me how the website was going. I said, “fine”. But then…

Three people whom I hardly know came to me to say basically the same thing…

“You make me laugh everyday. Keep it up.”

After the third one, my son looked at me with a smile and said:

“Wow Dad…I thought you were kidding about your writing. I guess people like you. That’s cool.”

I smiled, because seriously…could there be a bigger compliment coming from a 15 year old boy to his dad?

I don’t think so.

Enjoy your day off ‘cause I am working 10-9, you bastards. Seriously, enjoy one and all.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Birth of a Nation

It's going to be a scorcher of a Sabbath on this 4th of July in Bagwine, Ohio. But, that's as it should be.

Things will be rockin' and exploding over at my brother's house later today and Ryno and I shall be part of the shenanigans, along with eighty other liquored up goofballs.

It will be one helluva birthday party for America over at Casa del Marty.

And to kick the day off, I once again summon the historical perspective and Gaelic fueled wordsmitthery of my dad, Jack Mahoney, to wax poetic on the origins of this great nation...

The Voice of the Revolution

Richmond’s streets were cold and bare
But signs of Spring were in the air.

Like Christians from the Catacombs
Patriots stole past Tory homes.

To St. John’s Church in stealth they came
Risking death and a traitor’s name.

Once safe inside they paused to pray
That freedom’s torch would light their way.

The roll was called, the minutes read
Approved and entered as were said.

Each cautious vote was meekly cast
When Patrick Henry stood at last.

Then like a monk before his God
His voice in measured cadence trod.

The oak floor shook beneath his rage
The Bible trembled page by page.

He crossed his wrists, despair implied
“Our chains are forged”, he harshly cried.

He spoke of liberty and death
And murmurs rose with every breath.

Then undismayed by thoughts of fear
The Yankee crowd began to cheer.

The shouts burst forth like tamarind
And Henry’s words were on the wind…

In Williamsburg, where all was still
Lord Dunmore felt a sudden chill.

He shuddered as he stirred the fire,
And saw a raging fun’ral pyre.

A musket shot, a distant bell,
And muffled hoof beats broke the spell.

Reluctantly, he grabbed his sword,
And took his pistol from the board.

Sadly, he knew, but could not say,
That England’s fate was sealed that day.

© 1981 JJM

Amen and Amen...

Have a wonderful 4th of July all you chuckleheads. And for those of you who have tomorrow off?

Suck It!!

Cheers!!

Two Hundred Summers

A poem that my dad wrote some years ago in honor of our nation's Bicentennial in 1976...

The gates are open
somber, still;
the blade-grass quivers
on the hill.
A single robin
claims the crest;
the flowers in summer hues
are dressed.

The weathered columns
all look down
on marble slabs
that kiss the ground.
The names and dates
are graven deep,
two hundred summers
lie asleep.

The crowd is silent
standing there;
a priest intones
a solemn prayer.
The speaker dwells
on death and life,
and speaks of distant
drum and fife.

The chapel bell
in memory rings;
the choir, stirring
anthem sings.
The benediction's
slowly read;
the crowd departs,
the amen's said.

The hallowed ground
seeks love and rest,
for those it seals
within its breast;
July's green hills
their echoes keep;
two hundred summers lie asleep.

Jack Mahoney (C)1981

I'm workin' all day today because, well...someone has to drunk up the denizens of Bagwine, Ohio so they can beat their wives and lose a finger to a firecracker.

Cheers!!

The 4th of July Weekend: Let's Kick It, America!!

I received an e-mail the other day requesting a 4th of July themed nugget of history that I once wrote.

Said person, in part, wrote to me:

I have never forgotten that history thing you wrote about Patrick Henry when he was a kid and the end of the American Revolution. It just struck me funny and I was swallowing some coffee at the time, and it came out my nose.

It hurt you bastard!!

So in order to make amends to her, I shall repost it at her request…

In 1748, Patrick Henry was only 12 years old when he uttered a phrase that foreshadowed something similar he would eloquently bellow some 27 years later.

At the time, Henry was slight, had a high pitched voice, and unlike his young friends at the time, had not developed any male sex characteristics.

His friends teased him mercilessly about this.

One day, after a particularly severe razzing from his colonial buddies, young Patrick stretched his arms toward the heavens, and through tear filled eyes screamed in his girly voice:

“Give me puberty, or give me death!!”

Ha…Kinda funny but not sure it is coffee out the nose material. What follows is the second item she mentioned…

The successful conclusion to the American Revolution came when General George Patton defeated Che Guevara at the Battle of Hastings forcing the Persian army to surrender.

Upon Guevara’s surrender to Patton’s forces, Frederick the Great was compelled to recognize our nation’s independence from the government of Madagascar by signing the Treaty of Honolulu.

Signing on behalf of the fledgling United States of America was of course our founding father and future President, William McKinley.

Sadly, McKinley would be assassinated some 120 years later by Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme.

Now see? I find that one funny because I am a history nut, and because I am of course, a moron.

While I was searching my site for these nuggets of knowledge, I came across something that is timely, and it made me smile.

Ladies and Gentlemen…Singing the Star Spangled Banner, my friend, the incredibly kind and uber-lovely, Desert Rat:

Man, that is so nice. Here’s to ya Rat!!

I am hanging out with Ryno today, so in case I don’t “see” ya before the 4th of July, I say unto thee…

Have a wild, wacky, and most importantly, safe 4th of July.

Happy 234th Birthday America!!

Cheers!!

Canada Day: Fuck Em

It’s the first day of July, Bitches!! And you know what that means…

That’s right…It’s Canada Day!!

Today is the day that Canada celebrates its “independence” from the United Kingdom…um, okay, not really.

Today marks the day in 1867 that Canada was formally known as a Dominion…meaning several provinces of Canada united as one under the Crown of the United Kingdom.

See…Canada was never truly independent of the English bastards until 1982. 1982!!

Ha, Angola told Portugal to shove it some seven years earlier. Angola, folks!!

Hell even today, in spite of Canada's “independence”, the Queen of England (and no, I don’t mean Elton John) is still the legal head of state.

What the fuck kind of independence is that, I ask?

Holy Crap…

While Americans are gearing up to celebrate our independence from Britain that took the writing and signing of a “treasonous” document and a brutal war that lasted over six years...

The Canadians are celebrating the right of their provinces to associate with each other under the iron girdle of the British crown.

What a bunch of back bacon pussies.

Three days from now, we will be honoring great men such as George Washington, John Adams, Ben Franklin, and Patrick Henry.

Today, the Canadians will be paying homage to the likes of Anne Murray, Keanu Reeves, Howie Mandel, and Justin Bieber. And of course…The Queen.

Screw the Canadians…or is that, Canadiens? See?

They can’t even settle on the fucking spelling of who and what they are.

It all goes back to those damn French in Québec. The French in Québec are kinda like the Zoroastrians are in Afghanistan and Iran.

Oh sure…they’re there, but, pffffft, fuck ‘em.

Anyhoo…Let’s say fuck you to the Canadians and especially the Canadiens.

This July 4th, let’s celebrate our Independence Day by fully democratizing the Labatt Blue-induced piss out of the Canadians like we did the Germans, the Japs, and the Vietnamese…er…well, whatever.

We can fire cruise missiles, and send a squadron of B-2s to level their no-balls parliament.

And then, I’ll personally go to Buckingham Palace to bitch slap Queen Lizzy, and say unto Her Majesty:

“You wanna act like you still have an Empire? Well, free my neighbors to the north and go re-invade the sheep herders on the Falkland Islands…and by the way, Charles is fucking gay.”

Oh yeah, babies…

This year…

If America puts her mind to it, we can celebrate the 4th of July with drunken Canadians being killed by American made bombs instead of drunken Americans losing an eye or a finger to an errant, Chinese made Roman Candle.

I for one, can dig that. But…

It’s Canada Day!!, so I celebrate them…

But seriously, does anyone really give a shit?

It‘s not like they‘re really independent…or relevant.

Cheers!!

The Declaration of Independence: A Bagwine History Lesson

So, today begins a Bagwine celebration of our nation’s 234th year of independence.

As he was Ben Franklin’s press secretary, I tried to get Larry King to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth.

Unfortunately, Larry King was tied up announcing his retirement from CNN...finally.

Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…

A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.

It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.

It is also a time when normally motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.

I do, so love America!!

I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.

Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maud) were the main writers.

Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions while in a drunken, but brilliant stupor.

TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”

Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

That suggestion was accepted after Jefferson initially shot down Franklin’s original idea of having the document read:

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Ben rocked.

Another little known fact is that while Patrick Henry was not a signer of the Declaration of Independence, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.

It read as follows…

“Yo, G-Man, sally forth, and go fuck thyself, you wig wearin‘ bitch. You‘re no King. You‘re a Princess, you girly man, you.”

Sadly, it wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.

Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” has been edited over the years.

His actual quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”

Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!

The rest of this week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!

Cheers!!

Need The Info, Bitches...

Well it’s the week leading up to the Fourth of July. You know what that means!?

It’s party time!!!! Well…

Not for me.

You see, I learned something very valuable this past weekend, and something that for 45 years I thought to be nothing but an old wives’ tale…

It IS possible to drink too much.

No kiddin’. I’m not shittin’ ya. I just found that fact out Monday morning, Monday afternoon, Monday night, and…

That nugget of knowledge rocked my world. It also rocked my head with a clanging, a pounding, and a frequent spewing of sweaty toxins from my forehead.

I also found out that learning that little piece of information would have been more useful and less painful had I discovered it on a day when I didn’t have to work 10A-9P.

There were a couple of other things too. I guess it may have helped to work a little food in with all of the beer and Bagwine I was drinking throughout the weekend.

Did you guys know that? Frankly, I am at a loss. Why didn’t anyone tell me this shit?

I also found out that when I am in the same room with Schmoop and our buddy Dana, I get flipped off and told to “Suck it, Mahoney” with incredible frequency.

I also discovered that when I make Loosemeat Sandwiches…I probably should not be shit-faced.

Hell, I didn’t season the meat. I didn’t do jack to it. It was actually, just Loosemeat.

I guess it’s amazing that I actually did remember to fry the ground beef, so, well…no one got sick.

I discovered that not only is it a bad thing to go to work at the Beer Mine with a massive hangover, it’s even worse when my boss, Drive-By Mikey, takes utter delight in my pain and suffering.

And speaking of the Beer Mine and Drive-By Mikey…I am off to work another 11 hour swill shift today, but…

I am off on Wednesday, and maybe, just maybe, by then I will be fully recuperated.

That’s all I have. You know why that's all I have?

As I type this, I am still hungover, so if you need any details of the weekend ugliness, stop by Dana’s site; she’s already been yakkin' 'bout it.

Have a wonderful Tuesday, and I’ll catch up with y’all come Wednesday.

Cheers!!

Tuesday Meanderings

Well folks, summer is officially here, and during this week, which proceeds the week leading up to the July 4th Weekend, I typically phone it in.

It’s as close as I get to taking a Blog vacation. So today, I have some random thoughts and musings. Deal with it.

You know what’s cool about working 10-9 on Mondays and Tuesdays? When I leave the Beer Mine on Tuesday night, over half of my work week is already done. I dig that.

Speaking of the Beer Mine, our fearless leader, Drive-By Mikey, while not in the best of moods yesterday, did manage to give a bunch of shit to our ice delivery guy, Luis...

Luis was unloading the ice as it rained and Mikey said stuff to Luis like…

“Last week, I told you that you had been getting slower, so it must be that you joined a union. Since you are working in the rain, I guess you haven’t.”

And he continued…

“Leave it to a Mexican, to think it’s a good idea to stop at a place that needs 120 bags of ice unloaded when it’s raining.

Hell Luis, you could have stopped at a place that only needed two or three until the rain stopped.”

Mikey spouted off some other stuff which I will not repeat here, but I was crying from laughing so hard.

As I mentioned, the wondrous, firework-filled, 4th of July Weekend is rapidly approaching.

If you have never seen the series that the History Channel typically runs on the 4th of July about the American Revolution, make sure you check it out.

I’ve seen it three times, and will watch it again this year. It is excellent.

The Beer Mine and in fact the Bagwine digs, may have a special guest stopping by this weekend. Whoever could it be..?

If she does make it down, I will meet her with a smile on my face and a ruler in my hand.

I will smack her on the ass with the ruler, and then promptly take her into the cooler, and measure her nipples to see how long they get when in a 40 degree beer cooler.

I shall then take her home after I close, and feed her…Loosemeat Sandwiches you gutter snipes; I’ll feed her Loosemeat Sandwiches.

I hope she comes…comes to Bagwine. God...you guys, are whores!!

My old “buddy”, Uncle Charlie now dumps my comments when I leave one on his site. I am saddened. I hope he treats Robbie, Chip, and Ernie better than he does me.

One last thing…Thanks for letting Schmoop know how ya feel about her hair. She dug it, and so did I.

Have a wonderful day all. It’s gonna be another hot one here. “See” ya all tonight or tomorrow.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Hey Marty and MB!? Thanks So Much for a Great Time

It's going to be a decent Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio. Hopefully, most people have partied themselves out making my 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine today, relatively peaceful.

I have a pictoral re-cap of the Bagwine 4th of July festivities held yesterday at the new home of my brother and his wife.

Here it is...Our destination...No, not the telephone pole, the gazillion square foot house with a pond and room for a pony behind it.



Here, my brother Marte' and Mr. Mullet Man, my brother Vince are chatting. I am sure that Vince is saying, "C'mon...fire up the grill." To which I am sure Marty replied, "Fuck You. It's my house, I'll cook when I'm ready."

Okay...Marty is ready to grill Italian Sausages, Brats, and Chub Burgers. It's a good thing too. See that young man in the corner of the pic? That's my nephew, Kevin. He's a former Divsion I College football offensive lineman. He's 6'8", 300 lbs., and I'm sure, quite hungry.

Of course, what is a party without live entertainment? This guy was really good and could play damn near any request. Marty and his wife go all out when hosting. That's another brother in the foreground. That's the aforementioned Kevin's dad, Denny.

Denny, is a semi-regular Bagwine reader and upon being introduced to Beth for the first time, he paused, smiled and then said, "Heyyyy, You're Schmoop!!"

Here's a shot of half-buzzed fun seekers collecting butt splinters. Nice porch, eh?

Let's take a walk 'round the front of the house and see if we can find where the crowd is.

Ahhhhhh. Here's a gaggle of festive folks. They're hiding out in the garage because it's a bit rainy on this otherwise fine day.

You can't see it in the above picture but there are two kegs. One Mich Light and one of Rolling Rock. It was delicious.

There is also a Sno-Cone machine. Next to the Sno-Cone machine were bottles of Vodka for that always tasty Adult Sno-Cone.

Lastly, a longtime friend of mine and more so of Marty's was there. I give you, Andy...He's the penultimate mixture of nerd, smart guy, funny guy, and sexual deviant.

Just so you'll feel closer to him, I give you Andy's crotch...

There you have it folks.

The apartment chaos is over with.

The 4th of July festivities are over, and beginning tomorrow...

It's back to the business of being funny here at Bagwine Ruminations.

Amen, and Amen...

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, you chuckleheads.

Cheers!!

Adams, Jefferson, Franklin, and...Palin?

Happy Independence Day, Bitches!!

Today, many Americans will celebrate our country’s founding by throwing burgers and dawgs on the grill, swilling beer, and setting off fireworks.

Gov. Sarah Palin will celebrate the 4th of July by counting down the days until July 26th when she asserts her personal independence and walks away from her duties as Governor of Alaska.

That’s right…She announced at a hastily called press conference yesterday that she will resign from office effective July 26th.

Hee Hee. I’m pretty broken up about it. I am even more perplexed, because she really didn’t give any concrete reasons for her decisions.

She mentioned that people were attacking her son, Trig, and that a good point guard in basketball passes the ball so the team can win. WTF?

I think there is something more to her leaving office after 2 ½ years than what lies within the convoluted statement that she gave.

Does she really think she can better serve herself by quitting her job and start running now for President in 2012?

Does she think people will take a less than bright chick who served as Governor of Alaska for less than three years seriously?

My guess is that someone has offered her a lucrative job as some type of TV talk show host or something media related. If that comes to fruition, you heard it here first.

Anyhoo, enough about Gov. Dimbulb. It’s a day of celebration, and the Schmoop and I are going to be partying down at a soiree thrown by my brother, Marte’ and his lovely wife.

It has all the makings of a rollicking good Independencepalooza…Kegs O’ Beer, Brats, Burgers, and dozens of good natured, independence loving Americans.

God help my brother’s neighbors…I’ll take pictures o’ plenty of the patriotic partiers and the carnage that will be generated.

Since it is our nation’s birthday today, I thought I’d put up a relevant You Tube video.

I give you the sexiest scientist in all of these Untied States singing our country’s National Anthem.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the uber lovely and witty, Desert Rat. Enjoy.

Have a safe and fun-filled 4th of July everyone.

Cheers!!

Happy 4th of July

To all of you...

My computer and household are finally running as they should.

Schmoop and I wish you a very safe and very Happy 4th of July.

While I have to work tonight...

Schmoop and I are going to be spending Saturday at Marte's house enjoying a two kegger.

I hope you all have as much fun as we plan on having, and I leave you with this...

My dad wrote the following poem as part of his second book and a play (Two Hundred Summers) that he wrote.

It's titled, Bicentennial, July 4th, 1976...

The gates are open
somber, still;
the blade-grass quivers
on the hill.
A single robin
claims the crest;
the flowers in summer hues
are dressed.

The weathered columns
all look down
on marble slabs
that kiss the ground.
The names and dates
are graven deep,
two hundred summers
lie asleep.

The crowd is silent
standing there;
a priest intones
a solemn prayer.
The speaker dwells
on death and life,
and speaks of distant
drum and fife.

The chapel bell
in memory rings;
the choir, stirring
anthem sings.
The benediction's
slowly read;
the crowd departs,
the amen's said.

The hallowed ground
seeks love and rest,
for those it seals
within its breast;
July's green hills
their echoes keep;
two hundred summers lie asleep.

Jack Mahoney (C)1981

Have a great 4th everyone...And by the way...The rug burns left on Schmoop's knees from the new carpet are so Salvador Dali-like.

Cheers!!

Rug Burns and Fishing Poles

It is done peoples…

As it is so close to the 4th of July...

Schmoop and I have appropriately enough, gained our independence from stained, yellowish walls and threadbare carpet that was put down sometime between the Nixon and Carter administrations.

The painting (other than some touch ups) is done and the new carpet has been laid.

No pictures yet, as we have yet to put everything back into place, but let me tellz ya…

We are getting rid of quite a bit of our crap and keeping pictures, knick knacks, and the such to a minimum. Our Love Shack will be looking sleek.

Hell, Schmoop got rid of the bed frame and has the box and the mattress directly on the floor of the bedroom.

As we are both off today, later in the afternoon and evening, we are going to break in the new carpet and see what kind of rug burn patterns it puts on Schmoop’s knees.

I guess when we’re done breaking it in, we will also find out if the carpet is stain resistant. I’ll report back to you with the results.

First off on this glorious Thursday, I am going fishing with Ryno this morning. My brother Vinny is coming along with us.

As my brother Vince is a bit of an oddball, the pictures from our angling expedition should be a hoot. If I happen to shoot a video of Vinny fishing, trust me on this…

The visuals and the dialogue of the V-Man will be like watching Babe Winkelman meets Federico Fellini.

Anyhoo…Wednesday was a long day and night, so that is all that I have. But keeping in line with our Independence Day celebration this week, I leave you with two classic Inky and Lola cartoons…





Enjoy your Thursday all...If you're not around tomorrow for me to tell you, let me say this now...

Have a safe and sex filled 4th of July. I will and I may even give you a preview of it tomorrow.

Cheers!!

O Canada...Grow a Set, Would Ya?

It’s the first day of July, Bitches!! And you know what that means…

That’s right…It’s Canada Day!!

Today is the day that Canada celebrates its independence from the United Kingdom…um, okay, not really.

It marks the day in 1867 that Canada became formally known as a Dominion…meaning several provinces of Canada united as one under the Crown of the United Kingdom.

See…Canada was never truly independent of the English bastards until 1982. 1982, Folks!! WTF!?

Hell even today, in spite of their “independence”, the Queen of England (and no, I don’t mean Elton John) is still the legal head of state.

What the fuck kind of independence is that, I ask?

Holy Crap…

While Americans are gearing up to celebrate our independence from Britain that took the writing and signing of a “treasonous” document and a brutal war that lasted over six years...

The Canadians are celebrating the right of their provinces to associate with each other under the iron girdle of the British crown.

What a bunch of pussies. Three days from now, we will be honoring great men such as George Washington, John Adams, Ben Franklin, and Patrick Henry.

Today, the Canadians will be paying homage to the likes of Anne Murray, Keanu Reeves, and Howie Mandel. And of course…The Queen.

Let’s do the Canadians…or is that, Canadiens? See? They can’t even settle on the fucking spelling of who and what they are.

It all goes back to those damn French in Québec. The French in Québec are kinda like the Kurds are in Iraq.

Anyhoo…Let’s do the Canadians and the Canadiens a favor.

This July 4th, let’s celebrate our Independence Day by fully democratizing the Labatt Blue-induced piss out of the Canadians like we did the Iraqis.

We can fire cruise missiles, and send a squadron of B-2s to level their no-balls parliament.

And then, I’ll personally go to Buckingham Palace to bitch slap Queen Lizzy, and say unto Her Majesty:

“You wanna act like you still have an Empire? Well, free my neighbors to the north and go re-invade the sheep herders on the Falkland Islands…and by the way, Charles’ chick is butt ugly.”

Oh yeah, babies…

This year, if America puts her mind to it, we can celebrate the 4th of July with drunken Canadians being killed by American made bombs instead of drunken Americans losing an eye or a finger to an errant, Chinese made Roman Candle.

I for one, can dig that.

The carpet guys are supposed to be here today, so my computer will be down for awhile at some point. I am a bit saddened by this fact but really…

What better day to be down? It’s Canada Day after all, and seriously, does anyone really give a shit?

Cheers!!

Get Ready to Party America!!

The month of June is drawing to an end, and with it, so is our painting…finally.

I just want to post one more hodgepodgical entry before I finish up the paint job and get back to writing some serious funny business on the internets.

I posted a couple of pictures of Ryno and I yesterday. I have one more to throw out there for your enjoyment…


Have you ever seen a son look upon his dad more lovingly, adoring, and bemused as you see Ryno looking upon moi?

Of course not. Why is he so captured with me on a summer Sunday evening?

Well, because seconds before his mom took this picture I said the following…

“Hey Ryno, I bet that instead of using a backhoe to dig the grave of Billy Mays, the groundskeepers will use the Awesome Auger!!”

Ha. Like minds…Like senses of humor. I dig that.

Anyhoo. I must get to painting again. Tomorrow I will begin a four day celebration of our Nation’s 233rd Birthday.

Over the next few days, I will offer up some lesser known facts about our country’s history.

For instance…In 1748, Patrick Henry was only 12 years old when he uttered a phrase that foreshadowed something similar he would eloquently bellow some 27 years later.

At the time Henry was slight, had a high pitched voice, and unlike his young friends at the time, had not developed any male sex characteristics.

His friends teased him mercilessly about this.

One day, after a particularly severe razzing from his colonial buddies, young Patrick stretched his arms toward the heavens, and through tear filled eyes screamed in his girly voice:

“Give me puberty, or give me death!!”

I may also touch upon how the American Revolution truly ended.

The successful conclusion to the war came when General George Patton defeated Che Guevara at the Battle of Hastings forcing the Persian army to surrender.

Upon Guevara’s surrender to Patton’s forces, Frederick the Great was compelled to recognize our nation’s independence from the government of Madagascar by signing the Treaty of Honolulu.

Signing on behalf of the fledgling United States of America was of course our founding father, William McKinley.

Sadly, McKinley would be assassinated some 120 years later by Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme.

So there you have it, Bagwine Heads. Beginning tomorrow it’s Birthday Celebration Time, and we’re going to light a candle for America the rest of the week.

Enjoy your Tuesday, all.

Cheers!!

Have a Wild Irish Rose Red, White, and Blue Day

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY TO YOU ALL

WHILE YOU ARE ENJOYING THE FIREWORKS TONIGHT,

THINK OF ME WORKING.

YEP, EVEN ON THIS DAY OF INDEPENDENCE, THE MAN IS KEEPING ME DOWN.

HAVE FUN AND BE SAFE!!

CHEERS!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Happy Birthday America!!

Happy 232nd Birthday America!!

What better way to celebrate than with something as All-American as a Hot Dog and a Beer!!?

But what's doubly nice is that I am celebrating this year with that rock star of Colonial times, Ben "Bagwine" Franklin

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!!

Have a safe and fun filled Fourth of July.

Cheers!!