Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Declaration of Independence: A Bagwine History Lesson

So, today begins a Bagwine celebration of our nation’s 234th year of independence.

As he was Ben Franklin’s press secretary, I tried to get Larry King to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth.

Unfortunately, Larry King was tied up announcing his retirement from CNN...finally.

Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…

A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.

It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.

It is also a time when normally motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.

I do, so love America!!

I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.

Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maud) were the main writers.

Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions while in a drunken, but brilliant stupor.

TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”

Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

That suggestion was accepted after Jefferson initially shot down Franklin’s original idea of having the document read:

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Ben rocked.

Another little known fact is that while Patrick Henry was not a signer of the Declaration of Independence, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.

It read as follows…

“Yo, G-Man, sally forth, and go fuck thyself, you wig wearin‘ bitch. You‘re no King. You‘re a Princess, you girly man, you.”

Sadly, it wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.

Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” has been edited over the years.

His actual quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”

Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!

The rest of this week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!

Cheers!!

37 comments:

Jay said...

Ben Franklin was probably the biggest drunk in the history of this country. Until Dean Martin came along, of course. That's probably why they're both my heroes.

I love the fireworks safety videos that they run on the local news every year. I especially love that they go to the time and expense of making new ones instead of just using the same one every year.

Mike said...

"Larry King was tied up announcing his retirement"

And his eighth divorce and his ninth marriage.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...don't fuck with the bratwurst count...

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ben is a hero of mine and always has been. He was one brilliant mo-fo who also knew how to party. And ha...Consumer and safety groups probably get grants to make new videos every year. Cheers Jay!!

Mike: And that is exactly why Larry worked for Ben. They had som much in common. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Mmmmmmm, brats. I am getting some for the weekend. What's more American than a Bratwurst? Cheers P-Man!!

Dana said...

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Well crap! Jefferson really screwed the pooch on that edit, didn't he??

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Damn right he did. If this thing had been written by the likes of Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, and Eliot Spitzer, it would have included that line. Cheers Dana!!

Desert Rat said...

And Ben did *love* the ladies! (Although, he was kind of an asshole to his own female family members.) And that, "early to bed, early to rise..." I wonder what he *really* meant!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Yeah I know he was, but even the brilliant have their flaws. And c'mon, you know what that saucy old bastard meant by that. Cheers Rat!!

Irene said...

Johnsonville with the cheddar in them are my favorite.
Happy fourth to you and yours funny dude.

Matt-Man said...

Irene: Indeed they are and I shall partake of more than a few on Sunday at my brother's house. You and the man have a good one too. Cheers Irene!!

Charlene said...

:: chuckle :: pissing in your yard while bbqing! Yes, that is what happens!

Matt-Man said...

Charlene: Ha. Damn right. Why run the risk of missing out on a bloody, yet colorful Roman Candle accident by going inside to take a leak? Cheers Charlene!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I’m coming here for all of my history lessons from now on! If only so I get to learn such phrases as “penis envy laden.” I’m just soaking it up my brother!

And which one of those guys smoked the pot?

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Ha. If you want historical truth come here and screw the textbooks.

Both Franklin and Jefferson were big potheads, which is unfortunate, 'cause Adams was the one who really needed to fucking lighten up. Cheers Scott!!

Joker_SATX said...

I am independently considering my next case of beer!

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Ha...I have an untapped 30 pack here if ya wanna stop by. Cheers Joker!!

Micky-T said...

A long time ago....in a rude garret....lay a dieing man.

The opening line of a five minute speech I made trying to win a bigger trophy than the one I got from my school. I didn't.

Ben Franklin let me down.

Do you know where that garret was? I know you will.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: I don't know where the garrett was, but I will assume it was in London. It's an attic kinda thing. Cheers Mick!!

Micky-T said...

Stumped the Matt-Man yee haw!

Ben died in Paris and yes I did spell it wrong, garrett, WAIT my spell check says it's one t, but it looks better with two.

Yup an atticky loft under the roof.

Micky-T said...

I just looked it up, my ninth grade speech lied to me. He died in Philly.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha...See? I am closer to the truth than textbooks, but ya did stump me. I didn't know the speech. So you can delight in that fact. Cheers Mick!!

The Dish said...

The man that wrote, "Berr is proof that God loves us and wnats us to be happy." is certainly a hero in my book.

Matt-Man said...

Dish: From what I know aboout myself and the little I know about you, I do know a couple of things...

There is some Franklin in both of us, and secondly...

He'd much prefer to put his Franklin into you. Cheers Dish!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

So a 'rude garret' is just a shitty upstairs loft where all my exes hang out smoking reefer and mixing really bad riffs off their guitars?...

no wonder the rent was so cheap....

Matt-Man said...

Dingo: They do one other thing as well...they talk badly about you. Cheers Doll!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

lmao yeap that they do ;) Doesn't that mannequin on the left look a lil like Drew Barrymore?

Matt-Man said...

Dingo: Noooooo. If it looked I drew I would have rescued her. I have a thing for that nutty girl. Cheers Doll!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

LMAO I know you would have.. I think it harkens (hearkens?) back to the days of ET and Firestarter though. I can see the shiny new VHS in my minds eye right now.

Sounds like you got your Bagwine crunk on a lil early this year! Nobody does it like an Ohioan (I'm talking KEGSATNDS here... get yer minds outta the gutter)

Glad you remembered to cook the Loosemeat, I'd hate to deal with e-coli on I-Day.

I'd trade my Mississippi dysphoria for an Ohio hangover anyday!

Doc said...

I LOVE those fireworks demo videos where they destroy the manequins. Watching them and giggling like a 5th grader is one of my favortie ways to celebrate our nation's birth.

Matt-Man said...

Dingo: She's not exceptionally gorgeous or anything but she seems fun. I like fun. Here's to Ohio hangovers. Share one with me sometime. Cheers Doll!!

Doc: I actually chuckled reading that because I am the same way. Cheers Doc!!

Mrs. D said...

You're right, Adams did need to smoke a bowl. He was kind of a bitch.

Matt-Man said...

D: A bitch? He was an uber-Bitch!! Cheers D!!

MysteryChick said...

I am always happy to get a Bagwine History lesson.

It sounds like I'll be celebrating the 4th the same way our forefathers did...with drunken debauchery, bratwursts and red and blue jello shots with a squirt of Cool Whip on top! Oh wait, the red and blue jello shots were my idea...my bad.

Matt-Man said...

Chick: With a squirt of Cool Whip on top of your what? Purrrrrrr. Cheers Chick!!

cathy said...

Those dickheads have a lot to answer for...
Life liberty and free healthcare would have been much better. AND TEX MEX FOR THANKSIVING! ROFL.

Matt-Man said...

Cathy: Ha...I always love seeing you pop up. I hope you are fareing better than the government. Cheers Cathy!!