Thursday, October 07, 2010

He Said...She Said

I told you all that I wanted to be even more honest than I have been, so…

Every Thursday’s post is going to be the lovely Schmoop and I going back and forth on a question without hesitation.

It is, and will forever be known as, He Said…She Said…

Here we go, with the initial installment of:

He Said…She Said…

Matt: Why do you hate me so much of late?

Schmoop: I don’t; I love you. What, you don’t like the fight I always start, and me thinking I want to punch you in the throat?

Matt: It’s understandable once in awhile, but it seems like it happens every weekend the last two or three weeks.

Schmoop: Well, you fucked up. I’m still trying to control my emotions, and forgive. It’s hard….

Matt: I understand and I want you to forgive, but could ya either hate me or accept me, and not string me along while I await your decision?

Schmoop: I’m trying. Maybe I just need to cry all at once, and put this behind me. I don’t want to take it out on you, but this internalizing is killing me. I’m sorry.

Matt: Funny…You are mad at ME, and yet, in your last statement…You apologize to ME. What the Hell?

Schmoop: I’m sorry for my behavior of late you douche-bucket! Yea, I’m still mad, and it hurts, but it’s up to me to correct my misdeeds.


By the way…you packing your cigarettes drives me NUTS! Just trying to be honest.

Matt: Well…Packing my smokes is not only a habit, it’s a lifestyle…or something. I like tight tobacco.

Schmoop: You like tight pussy too? Cause I got you covered…

Matt: Cool…However, if we have sex tonight, will you end up berating me again like the last time we had sex, and tell me not to touch you when we were done?

Schmoop: You got a blowjob! Jesus, what more do you want???? I swallow for God’s sake!!!!

Matt: I wanted to be all over YOU, but it was the afterwards, and your Hitler-esque attitude during the “blowjob” that pissed me off. You were mean…and not in a sexy, jackbooted, Axis Sally kinda way.

Schmoop: You’re right! I’m a fucking NAZI!!!! Just kidding…I know I was wrong, and no berating. Unless of course you mean BERATING!!!

Matt: Ladies and Gentlemen…


Schmoop admitted that she was wrong. And I say unto you Schmoop, “Welcome to my World.” At least with me though, I admit my wrongness…much more quickly.

Schmoop: Suck it you fucker! I mean that in the most loveable way possible, I swear. Now, where in the hell is my dinner, and or sex????

Matt: Oh I’m sorry, Matty gotta cook ’cause you can’t…or won‘t? I’ll handle it…as always. Last thoughts?

Schmoop: Whatever, you cuntnugget…

And there you have it folks…The first installment of He Said…She Said.

I am off all day today and tomorrow, so let’s have some fun…or not.

Hope you like the new look of Bagwine, and as always…

Cheers!!

47 comments:

Charlene said...

I understand completely. Just because a woman fucks or sucks you doesn't mean she wants to be around the sex toy. :o)

Matt-Man said...

Charlene: I think you do misunderstand. This exchange was really about a lot of things but down deep, it wasn't about sex. Cheers Charlene!!

MysteryChick said...

Hehe! I learned a new word today!

I do hope you guy get past this hurdle. Forgiving is really hard sometimes. I personally am not very good at it even though I wish I was. Or maybe it's the forgetting part I suck at.

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Ha...What? Cuntnugget? Classic. It'll pass...or not. Cheers Chick!!

Jay said...

"Cuntnugget" is the word of the day. Maybe the word of the month. I plan on using it early and often.

This post kind of made me sad. Until she called you a "cuntnugget" that is. haha ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. Cuntnugget is pretty good.Schmoop told me to tell ya to get over it...as she just shoved a bowl of cereal down her mouth. Cheers Jay!!

Jay said...

Okay, I'm already over it. This could be great. Besides, therapy is expensive.

I hope it was Frosted Flakes. That's my favorite cereal and the only kind found here at Chez Jay's. haha

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha...You're close. It's a no-name knock off brand called, Berry Bunch O' Crunch. It's heavily sugared and she loves it. Cheers Jay!!

Mike said...

This is too muuch drama. I say she puts on the leather outfit, gets out the whip, and gets it out of her system once and for all.

Don't forget the video.

Doc said...

back when I smoked cigarettes I was fanatical about packing them just right also... It's essential!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: She does look good in leather, as designated by that picture. Purrrrr. Cheers Mike!!

Doc: See? Thank you for pointing out that I am not crazy...at least in that aspect of my life. Cheers Doc!!

Dianne said...

I've never packed my cigs and hell I've been smoking since the womb, I lit the fucking umbical cord
I think it's a guy thing

love cuntnugget and douchebucket
they're so perfect
I think a line of greeting cards from cuntnugget and douchebucket would be great!!

love ya both

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Dirty, Non-Packin' Woman, You!! Schmoop is quite the wordsmith and we love yooze tooze, sexy. Cheers Di!!

Scott Oglesby said...

If you’re still getting ‘full’ blow jobs then you really shouldn’t be complaining. Jus sayin.

And if you did something to really hurt her, you know it’s going to take a while. A long while. Maybe forever. But you’re getting blow jobs so none of that is relevant.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: I agree with ya but here's the thing about blow jobs...Are ya ready..?

I'm not a big fan.

I know...men across America are right now saying, "Not a fan? What the Fuck?"

Cheers Scott!!

Clay Perry said...

you should really show her and pop the question... its good youve found someone who will put up with your shit, hopefully you will grovel enough to keep her around. it seems like she knows youre human, aka a dumbass.. so i'll keep my fingers crossed, good luck & hold on to her matt..

Matt-Man said...

Clay: While I agree with ya (other than the marriage part), you know what's funny?

Schmoop would be the first to tell you that SHE should follow your advice in how she treats me as well.

Cheers and Thanks Clay!!

Beth said...

I found this to be really fun, and enlightening. I think we should do this again!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: I did too. It's quite therapeutic.

We shall do it every Wednesday evening while we are laughing at Glenn Beck, and I'll put it up on here on Thursdays.

It's gold Jerry, GOLD!!

Cheers and Zoooooves Schmoop!!

Micky-T said...

Isn't getting along basically...just putting up with each others shit day after day?
We give it, we take it.
But to each we learn, there ARE lines that should never be crossed, and if you do cross the line you should expect life to SUCK for a good long while.
Of course the lines are different for everybody and you guys seem to handle your shit pretty well.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...Nazis and blowjobs and cigarettes...oh,my!...

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Fuck That. I don't want to "just get along", and neither does Schmoop. We want some zest in life.

As for lines being crossed, George Carlin said it best, and I paraphrase...

It is every comedian's job to find that line and then cross over it.

Life is the same way...If one never crosses a line, he or she never has a full understanding of the good and bad in life.

Cheers Mick!!

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: Ha!! It's Springtime for Hitler!! I Love You, Man!! Cheers P-Man!!

Micky-T said...

Fuck that....if you can have your mouth in some other pussy while Schmoop eats breakfast while watching, and that's your kind of zest for life, OK, go for it. That's a personal choice, and no ones business but your own.
A comedian on stage is a fuck of a lot different crossing lines than what kind of lines not to cross to hold a relationship together.

Oops, my bad....you are on stage!

Beth said...

God Mick, why do you have to be such a fucking asshole? Don't read it if it offends you.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: What the Hell are you talking about? I don't recall eating another woman's pussy while Schmoop was downing bacon and eggs.

I mean, if I had done that, even if drunk, I would have had remembered that, and I would have had Jim the Neighbor take pictures. That's Hot!!

And the comedian thing as I wrote...doesn't apply to comedians only; it applies to all people and how they should once in awhile get out of their comfort zone, for good or bad, and learn and live.

Cheers Mick!!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Oh, and by the way...Hi Schmoopie!!

Micky-T said...

Schmoop: Sorry, I should NOT of mentioned you in that comment. I took Matt's answer to my first comment wrong I guess. He made it sound like fucking around on each other is OK and that's not a line you guys mind crossing. Zest? None of my business but you guys put this shit out here and we all know something DID happen and "you" are having a little bit of a hard time letting it go. This post brought it up again. I don't know why you guys air your dirty laundry that's your business and I'm not offended by it. I really am sorry Schmoop. I'll keep my mouth shut more now because this stuff to me is not funny.

Dana said...

Oh! To hell with that micky-t (I like it better lower case)! If there had been bacon and eggs *I'd* have been eating breakfast while watching Matt eat Schmoop for breakfast!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: I never mentioned, implied, nuanced, or otherwise indicated that it was right to cheat on anyone, so don't even try it.

You can try to walk your comment back into the stable, but I don't think it fits now. Cheers Mick!!

Dana: That would be cool, but alas, Schmoop and I don't have early morning sex. Both of us being smokers, we tend to wait until we are clean and fresh prior to conjugal visits. Cheers Dana!!

Dana said...

WAIT! One more thing ...

Why is it that the folks who complain the loudest about "airing dirty laundry" always wear the smelliest socks??

Matt-Man said...

Dana: We always see in others what we don't like about ourselves. Cheers Dana!!

Micky-T said...

NOBODY can touch me, when it comes to the smelliest socks. Right now the smell is wafting up from my sneakered feet tickling my need to be trimmed nose hairs. It's something I'm very used to.

As to my conduct lately, Fuck it, I'm as entitled as anybody.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: As for your conduct...Nobody is asking you to change, dilute what is on your mind, or otherwise be something you are not. Cheers Mick!!

The guy who just found out the stable door is locked said...

Cheers! Matt!

Matt-Man said...

Yeah, well Mick, you know how those stable doors can be. Cheers!!

Desert Rat said...

Bonus round in the comments: "He Said... He said..." [with a nod and a wink to the Mickster]

I want to know how Matt fucked up - 'cause I can be nosy that way (she types, casually sniffing her socks...)

Matt-Man said...

Rat: I got more familiar with Dana than I should have when she came to visit back in late June. Cheers Rat!!

Desert Rat said...

Uh, oops!

Knight said...

I'm with Jay. I felt sad and then I got over it. Then I thought about eating cereal. Why the fuck are all you people bickering with each other? Obviously a whole bunch of bloggers aren't drinking enough. You can order liquor online you know. You don't have to leave the computer.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Don't oops...It is what it is. Everything is nearly fine, it's not like we had actual sex. Cheers Rat!!

Knight: Sad? No no. Schmoop and I high five like bowling team partners after we get up from the computer after we write each line line. It's catharsis. Cheers Knight!!

Michele said...

I am so stepping away from this one.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Oh Hell, Michele, no worries...It's like this every night here. Cheers Michele!!

snugs said...

oh wow, I didn't know you had your own drama going on over here today too..can I just say that I am really digging Micky.. btw, I used to feel sorry for Schmoop, but now I realize I was wrong, I think that maybe she is just pissed she missed out on the action, either that or she is just ok settling for sloppy seconds..whatever floats their boat, just because I can't imagine being with someone that practically fucks another woman on the couch while I am sleeping one off and then continues to boast and joke about it doesn't mean it's not her cup of tea, or rather vodka, Cheers!

Matt-Man said...

Snugs: Drama? I didn't realize that animated, sometimes heated exchanges between quasi-adults was considered, "drama".

I'm sure Schmoop is crushed that you no longer feel sorry for her as she spoke of your empathy for her with such treasure over the past couple of weeks. So sad.

Actually however, since I have been having sex with Schmoop for nearly ten years, doesn't that mean that Dana got the sloppy seconds? Just thinkin'.

And before you say somethin' 'bout that...No, I don't mind being referred to as sloppy seconds. It's kinda hot!!

Lessee...What else, we got c'here? Um...

I don't think Schmoop really was pissed about not having a three way, but I will tell you, she was impressed with Dana's tits. And who wouldn't be, because, they're real, and they're spectacular. ust like Schmoops only even BIGGER!!

As for you "knowing" that Dana and I "practically fucked" on the couch, leads me to think a couple of things...

Either you fantasize about what we did, or you as always, are once again living vicariously through Dana.

Either way, you should stop, 'cause it's creepin' me the fuck out!! But...entertaining as always.

Lastly, you did get one thing correct. While Schmoop can toss more than her fair share of beer, she does like Vodka. But then again, who doesn't?

Have a wunnerful weekend, Snugs. I'll be spending mine working, laughing, hangin' out with my kid, and getting Schmoop from behind while we drink Vodka, talk about Dana's tits, and thoroughly enjoying life.

And...I'm making Manwich. Or, should I call it, Sloppy Seconds Joes!! Ha!! Yum.

Cheers, Freak Show!!

Doc said...

What did we say on Twitter yesterday about a blog titled "Tied to the Tracks" ???

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha...exactly!! Cheers Doc!!