I, of course am boycotting the even but I am feeling the love of the Sabbath and shall help you out, by asking WWMMD. What Would Matt-Man Do?
It is hard however...what does a guy get his love?
Candy? Borrrrring, and it will go straight to your lover's hips.
Flowers? Roses die and are overpriced.
How about a Vermont Teddy Bear?
In fact, the Vermont Teddy Bear Co. should rename themselves, Pedophiles Direct!!
I know that Schmoop likes perfume...She really likes White Diamonds...
It does smell pretty good on her, but why stop at a good smelling neck and face? I could also get her a big can of Fem Fresh!! She'd smell great where it really counts...
I may as well go all the way...If her neck, wrists, and hoo-ha are a combination of wondrous scents, why not get her something I used to use at the Beer Mine...
Damn Straight!! I'll throw in a can of Ass Cleaner for her...um...can. As you can see, the best thing about this Ass Cleaner...It's Streakless!!
That is a bit much and she might gather from that troika of gifts that I think she stinks.
Perhaps I could get her something that I have always wanted to buy.
The Inflatable Bondage Chair...
Nothing says love like Air-Cushioned simulated rape and abuse. But alas, her and I would bust a hole in that thing in no time flat.
I wouldn't mind trying to get something "cute" for her this year, but not a Vermont Teddy Bear.
In spite of her 125 pound frame she does like to eat...but not candy so much.
Hmmmmmm? I need to find something cute that she could eat. How about this?
It is an adorable lookin' baloney...thingy...loaf with a smiley face. I think while cute, it might freak her out. It is after all, kinda clown lookin'.
I think I'll know what I'll do.
I'll use a gift certificate that I received for my birthday and get us something both her and I can sink our teeth into with Valentine's Day glee.
A special Heart-Shaped Pizza from one of Bagwine, Ohio's favorite pizza places, Cassano's.
Yeah that's the ticket; she'll love it...With this idea, I can not only have my pie, I'll get to eat it too.