Sunday, February 13, 2011

Valentine's Day: What Would Matt Man Do?

One day left 'til Valentine's Day, Bitches. Better get your freak on if you want to impress the one you love.

I, of course am boycotting the even but I am feeling the love of the Sabbath and shall help you out, by asking WWMMD. What Would Matt-Man Do?

It is hard however...what does a guy get his love?

Candy? Borrrrring, and it will go straight to your lover's hips.

Flowers? Roses die and are overpriced.

How about a Vermont Teddy Bear?

Puhleeeeeze. I see commericals for these stupid things every February.

It's a stuffed animal for God's sake. Unless, you're some pervert who is in love with an 8 year old girl, I think not.

In fact, the Vermont Teddy Bear Co. should rename themselves, Pedophiles Direct!!

I know that Schmoop likes perfume...She really likes White Diamonds...

It does smell pretty good on her, but why stop at a good smelling neck and face? I could also get her a big can of Fem Fresh!! She'd smell great where it really counts...

I may as well go all the way...If her neck, wrists, and hoo-ha are a combination of wondrous scents, why not get her something I used to use at the Beer Mine...

Damn Straight!! I'll throw in a can of Ass Cleaner for As you can see, the best thing about this Ass Cleaner...It's Streakless!!

That is a bit much and she might gather from that troika of gifts that I think she stinks.

Perhaps I could get her something that I have always wanted to buy.

The Inflatable Bondage Chair...

Nothing says love like Air-Cushioned simulated rape and abuse. But alas, her and I would bust a hole in that thing in no time flat.

I wouldn't mind trying to get something "cute" for her this year, but not a Vermont Teddy Bear.

In spite of her 125 pound frame she does like to eat...but not candy so much.

Hmmmmmm? I need to find something cute that she could eat. How about this?

It is an adorable lookin' baloney...thingy...loaf with a smiley face. I think while cute, it might freak her out. It is after all, kinda clown lookin'.

I think I'll know what I'll do.

I'll use a gift certificate that I received for my birthday and get us something both her and I can sink our teeth into with Valentine's Day glee.

A special Heart-Shaped Pizza from one of Bagwine, Ohio's favorite pizza places, Cassano's.

Yeah that's the ticket; she'll love it...With this idea, I can not only have my pie, I'll get to eat it too.



David said...

Matt-Man - you are one hilarious and witty asshole.

I loved the fragance selections - especially the streakless ass spray - might get some for myself

As funny as the inflatable bondage chair is (can't imagine reading that patent application with a straight face), there must be some sort of correlary that would be appropiate for you to exercise your world renowned tongue skills as your happy lady relaxes to enjoy her favorite chick-flick on the tube. Just trying to think out of the box...wait, wrong terms.

Dana said...

There are times when I am grateful to NOT have a Valentine. This would be one of those times ;)

Matt-Man said...

David: Why thanks and let me tell you, Ass Cleaner is da bomb. Ha. The patent application would be a hoot. Good thought!! Cheers David!!

Dana: Ha. Very good. If you read tomorrow's "warm and touching" V-Day tribute to Schmoop tomorrow, you'll probable be even more grateful. Cheers Dana!!

Jay said...

That Bondage Chair is part of the Lady GaGa collection, right?

That bologna is funny, but I would never buy it because I don't like my food smiling at me.

And that heart-shaped pizza actually looks very yummy! I like a pizza place that doesn't scrimp on ingredients.

Mike said...

Maybe you could transfer that smilely face to something else.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. I'd love to have a roll of that baloney type stuff. great conversation piece and yeah, Cassano's is good pie. Cheers Jay!!

Mike: What are saying Mike!? Cheers Funny Man!!