Valentine's Day: Here's To Schmoop!!

Valentine’s Day, hmmmm?

Those of you who read Bagwine Ruminations on a regular basis, know that I am boycotting and eschewing all commercial activities associated with Valentine’s Day.

No flowers. No candy. No Pajama Grams, nor overpriced baubles. However…

On this widely recognized, yet faux jour de l’amour, I shall take this opportunity to express the many reasons as to why I love my BFF/OSP, Schmoop…
As one can see, even at nearly 45 years of age, she still looks good in nothing but a leather jacket. Her boobs are in a word, Amazing!!

I’m always impressed by her trick that she does when she places four pencils under each boob and the eight #2 Ticonderogas in use, unlike her fun bags, defy gravity and remain tightly nestled ‘neath her breastesses.

When we’re getting randy, Schmoop will get on top, straddle me, and with her back upright and arching, will undo her bra, and her left tit will freefall directly into my mouth as her right one pokes me in the left eye.

When Schmoop undoes that bra, her puppies swing like dead weight from a hangman's noose. Glorious!!

I love the way her lips taste when I kiss her, especially after she has just finished downing 18 beers, a skillet full of bacon, and has forgotten to wipe her mouth. Exquisite!!

I am a major procrastinator by nature, so her ability to look ahead, be prepared, and stay on top of things is something I greatly admire.

Schmoop knows that stopping to fill the car with gas is vital when the gauge hits half a tank, because her eight mile round trip to work can put one on “E” in no time. Laudable!!
I appreciate her candor and honesty. I know that when she calls me an asshole, a cuntnugget, or a fucking moron, she means it. Refreshing!!

Schmoop makes a couple of sounds that put both a smile on my face and drive me nuts.

Sometimes when she is in the kitchen heating up frozen burritos in the microwave cooking a dinner that makes Wolfgang Puck look like a short order cook, she hums.

It’s a high pitched, lilting hum that makes me smile from ear to ear. It’s cute as hell, but there is another song of happiness she emits that tops even that.

When I am getting her from behind and my balls are smacking against her freshly tossed salad, her ass makes the most musical sound I have ever heard.

It’s like a metronome loudly clickity-clacking out a perfect 2/4 beat that would make John Phillip Sousa spew cum out of the slobber valves on his tuba. Encore!!

Anyhoo…

I love the Schmoop and have for some ten plus years now, and she is my best friend.

Most importantly, I know her so well, that I know she will find this post amusing...I like that.
Because of all that, I don’t wish her a mere Happy Valentine’s Day today; I wish her a Happy Everyday!!

Have a wonderful day everyone, and as always…

Cheers!!

Valentine's Day: What Would Matt Man Do?

One day left 'til Valentine's Day, Bitches. Better get your freak on if you want to impress the one you love.

I, of course am boycotting the even but I am feeling the love of the Sabbath and shall help you out, by asking WWMMD. What Would Matt-Man Do?

It is hard however...what does a guy get his love?

Candy? Borrrrring, and it will go straight to your lover's hips.

Flowers? Roses die and are overpriced.

How about a Vermont Teddy Bear?

Puhleeeeeze. I see commericals for these stupid things every February.

It's a stuffed animal for God's sake. Unless, you're some pervert who is in love with an 8 year old girl, I think not.

In fact, the Vermont Teddy Bear Co. should rename themselves, Pedophiles Direct!!

I know that Schmoop likes perfume...She really likes White Diamonds...

It does smell pretty good on her, but why stop at a good smelling neck and face? I could also get her a big can of Fem Fresh!! She'd smell great where it really counts...

I may as well go all the way...If her neck, wrists, and hoo-ha are a combination of wondrous scents, why not get her something I used to use at the Beer Mine...

Damn Straight!! I'll throw in a can of Ass Cleaner for her...um...can. As you can see, the best thing about this Ass Cleaner...It's Streakless!!

That is a bit much and she might gather from that troika of gifts that I think she stinks.

Perhaps I could get her something that I have always wanted to buy.

The Inflatable Bondage Chair...

Nothing says love like Air-Cushioned simulated rape and abuse. But alas, her and I would bust a hole in that thing in no time flat.

I wouldn't mind trying to get something "cute" for her this year, but not a Vermont Teddy Bear.

In spite of her 125 pound frame she does like to eat...but not candy so much.

Hmmmmmm? I need to find something cute that she could eat. How about this?

It is an adorable lookin' baloney...thingy...loaf with a smiley face. I think while cute, it might freak her out. It is after all, kinda clown lookin'.

I think I'll know what I'll do.

I'll use a gift certificate that I received for my birthday and get us something both her and I can sink our teeth into with Valentine's Day glee.

A special Heart-Shaped Pizza from one of Bagwine, Ohio's favorite pizza places, Cassano's.

Yeah that's the ticket; she'll love it...With this idea, I can not only have my pie, I'll get to eat it too.

Cheers!!

Valentine's Day Boycott and a Word of Condolence

First of all, I need to send out my condolences to my friend Drive-By Mikey.

He and his family lost their canine companion of 14 years Wednesday night as their dog Pepper, succumbed to age and a series of maladies.

Here’s to Mikey and his family, and let us hope that there is a mailman’s leg in heaven for Pepper to chew upon.

On that note…It’s time to lighten things up a bit by giving you another clever remark from my sarcastic 16 year old son, Ryno.

That’s right…It’s time for today’s, A Moment of Ryno’s Rancor™:

Watching the Super Bowl during halftime as Troy Aikman and Joe Buck are discussing the first half of the game:

Me: I can’t stand Joe Buck; he’s awful.

Ryno: Buck is terrible and his chin looks like a butt.

Me: Ha, ya think?

Ryno: Oh yeah…When talking to him, people think he has bad breath, but it’s really just the nasty smell of his butt chin.

This has been, A Moment of Ryno’s Rancor™

And now…A shameless promo for I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio that airs Thursday at 11 PM EST.

Jayman and I will be trashing the faux, sexist holiday that is Valentine’s Day.

On Valentine’s Day, men get the shaft, so we have decided to boycott the “holiday” and no fear-mongering V-Day company will get our monetary man-shaft due to our boycott of Valentine’s Day.

Pajama Grams, Kay Jewelers, FTD? Y’all can suck it, ‘cause we’re gonna be parading in front of your stores with our testosterone dripping, our heads held high, and our balls hanging low.

In fact, in doing my part, the only gift Schmoop is getting from me on Valentine’s Day is that prior to taking her to bed and having my way with her, I will ask her,

“Does this look infected?” and then upon consummation, I shall ask the post-coital question:

“Would you rather have bacon and eggs, or BLT’s?”

Oh yeah this “holiday” is a farce, and Jayman, Dick Burns, Guy Ahnyurdyck, and I will be ripping it to shreds like a woman scorned rips up an old Valentine’s Day card from her cheating lover.

So, please join us Thursday at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio and chime in with your thoughts and your outrage!!

You can access our I’m With Stupid radio page by clicking HERE.

I hope to see you on the radio tonight and until then, and as always…

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Love Day, Bitches!!

It’s a Valentine’s Day Sabbath all around the world and I’ll be spending Valentine’s Day with the person I love the most.

That’s right…

Me!!

I’ll be loving myself more than usual as I work the Beer Mine from 11-7 today. I hope it doesn’t offend my customers.

After work, I will head over to see my damn near as tall as me Valentine…Ryno. The little shit is just a shade shorter than I now. And there you have it. Pretty exciting, no?

Sure I’d love to spend the day drinking champers and strapping Schmoop into the inflatable bondage chair, but alas, I and my love are needed elsewhere to tend to the needs of others.

One word that comes to mind as I think about my plight…selfless.

I hope that all of you lovely Bagwine readers enjoy the day with someone you love.

If you have no one to love, find someone for the day and have hot, meaningless, no strings attached sex with him or her. Trust me, it will make you feel better.

With the passing of Valentine’s Day, my recent boatload of loving posts comes to an end as well. Monday I shall revert back to my acerbic self. I miss that me.

This is gonna be a big week so I need to re-discover my inner asshole in preparation. You see…Lent begins this Wednesday and with it, my 46 day breadless journey through the wilderness.

I shall require every fiber of being a jerk that I can find within myself. Jeebus would expect no less from me, and who I am to disappoint the Messiah?

Amen, and Amen…

So there you have it for today. Enjoy your Valentine’s Day all and before I go I leave you with a song sung by perhaps the sexiest voice in rock n roll history…

Introduced by KT Tunstall, I give you fellow Ohioan, Chrissie Hynde…God she makes me melt...

Cheers!!

I Love My Rat

I’m gonna continue my feminine, all about Valentine’s love side today.

Yeah well Mick, you can suck it…I can’t help it.

I got a birthday card today and guess what? It contained a 15 dollar Micky D’s gift card inside.

I just can’t help myself but this is what Valentine’s Day is all about.

This uber-lovely chick sent me a gift card card (and it ain't the first time) and on top of that, she sent her joy. I smile every time I see her face pop up on my site or Facebook.

There are some folks who make you hot, some that make you say “Hey”, and some that make you say, “damn she’s cool.”

Rat is all of that wrapped into one, and I love her.

Desert Rat, you are the best. I wish you lived closer, and didn’t have an IQ higher than mine.

In spite of that, I think you are aces. Yeah, I said “aces” folks…it’s a phrase…or it used to be.

Here’s to Rat…and here’s to friends everywhere. Valentine’s Day is after all, also for those that you love and who aren’t your wife, girlfriend, husband, or mistress….or whatever.

Working 11-9 today…wish me luck…maybe I’ll make some magic happen.

Cheers!!

Happy Valentine's Day From Matt-Man

In case you haven’t noticed, all this week I have been talking about love.

Even within Tuesday’s three legged race post with Stephen Hawking , I mentioned having sex with Bristol Palin so that counts as a love post too.

I’ve been building up to Valentine’s Day all week…ack ack…not a big fan. Don’t get me wrong…

I think people showing their love for one and other is a good thing, but V-Day much like wedding anniversaries, has become a time to berate “stupid” men into buying over priced crap for their wife or girlfriend.

But, I wanted to take this Friday before Valentine’s Day to say something to you all.

I love you, one and all…and yes, I mean that.

When I was in the hospital four months ago, I got over 100 emails from you guys.

The 88 year old man who brought the emails in everyday always chuckled and thought I was some kind of rock star. The look on his face was the highlight of my stay.

I received more than a few phone calls as well. And let me tell ya…When you’re in the hospital and all you can do is watch is FOX News, a phone call is quite well received.

So…

I just want to take this Friday to say Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you loveable nut jobs. In addition to Schmoop and Ryno, you all make my life worth a damn.

I may be one sarcastic, sometimes son of a bitch, occasionally over the top asshole, but I love all you guys. And, in spite of all my faults, love and loyalty are two of my few virtues.

With all of the stupid, man-hating ads that will be shown between now and Sunday, I wanted to tell you all that there isn’t one regular Bagwine commenter to whom I wouldn’t give all I had.

The shirt off my back…my last ort of food…my last penny. Our door is always open for any and all of your simple asses.

I figure that smart, sarcastic, and uber-hot mother fuckers like us need to stick together in this day and age of non-thinking, tea bagging, Sarah Palin would make a good President, kinda times.

Anyhoo…To all of you:

I want to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day and with it, the love that comes along with it. I do love you guys.

I will always have your back. I will always wish the best for you. I will always appreciate your friendship.

With that being said…I have to post a poem that my dad wrote for my mom in his book Credo, and that I could easily, and do, dedicate to Schmoop as well...

To Mary Anne

Come take my hand and walk with me,
the pilgrim paths that used to be.

When each new day was bright and bold,
and all our dreams were cast in gold.

On stepping stones, we'd ford the brook
with clear, white wine and one good book.

My knowing heart would follow there,
your mud-caked shoes and wind-blown hair.

But now the paths are washed away;
the stream's entombed in tiles of clay.

Love's old sweet songs have all been sung;
the world's grown old, but we've stayed young.

We'll find new paths, somehow, somewhere;
you seek them out, I'll follow there.

Have a wunnerful V-Day weekend all, and as always...

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The Matt-Man Always Makes Em Comes Twice

It's gonna be a chilly Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today.

And yet, I shall persevere and man the Beer Mines from 11-7 today.

I actually like working Sundays because it seems, for the most part, everyone who comes through the Drive-Thru is in a good and relaxed mood.

Praise Jeebus!!

Anyhoo...A recap from Valentine's Day at the Bagwine house...I hope you like it.

After I got home late last night, we had several drinks and then I cooked steaks.

Of course, I like to top our steaks with cheese. And, I like it to be one helluva good cheese. So I used this...

And with steaks, what goes better than some sort of potato? Nothing.

But I had to make it quick because Schmoop was starting to get her Valentine freak on.

I needed to use a quick type of spud. So...I cooked these...

Even though I railed against V-Day yesterday, I did break down and make Schmoop a card. Here's the front...

Sweet, no? Here's the inside...

And me being me, I also got her a Rose. I think she likes it!!

I hope all of you had a great Saturday/Valentine's Day.

Off to sell beer to the masses. Enjoy your Sunday.

Cheers!!

P.S. Oh I almost forgot...After the steaks we had hot V-Day sex...Oh yeah, as indicated by the title of this post, I was on top of my game!!

Wussies of the World Unite!!

Another Valentine’s Day…another day to honor the bitches!!

Yeah, I said that.

It’s up to the guy to get something for the woman.

Just like Ladies’ Night at the bars and wedding anniversaries, Valentine’s Day is all about the women.

On TV, radio, and in and around office cubicles everywhere, the ads and discussions center around...

“What is HE going to get HER for Valentine’s Day.”

It’s a sad, sad day for many men throughout America…

Men will succumb to pressure to buy flowers, teddy bears, and/or other overpriced baubles in order to demonstrate one thing.

Their undying love for their lady? Ha, no. In order to demonstrate their undying need to get a piece of ass in the near future.

Love is supposed to be a two way street, but on Valentine’s Day, men are tragically struck down by a truck loaded with greed and estrogen while standing on a one-way toll road.

Sad, indeed.

I for one don’t go through this problem. Schmoop and I do not show our love by showering one and other with overpriced gifts on Valentine’s Day.

Instead we show it by playing Nude Twister, by eating pizza off of each other’s naked body, or when we are feeling particularly frisky…

I dress up as Phileas Fogg and let my tongue and my “hot air balloon” traverse across a naked Schmoop as we play, Around the Girl in Eighty Ways.

And we don’t confine these activities to just one day…

It’s an ongoing parade of perversity that has kept us together and living in sin for over eight years.

Can a Vermont Teddy Bear or half dead roses produce that same cohesion? I don’t think so.

So guys let me say this…Don’t buy a damn thing. Tell your babe, to suck it up and get over the gift thing.

Tell her that Valentine’s Day is silly and you refuse to participate.

And then say to her…

“And with that in mind Cookie, get me another beer and take your clothes off. I’m freakin’ horny.”

After you do all of that my brethern, let me know how that works out for ya. I am anxious to know.

One last item on this V-Day. Today is my sister-in-law, Maribeth’s, B-Day. Here’s to ya, girl. You are a sweetheart.

It is also Bagwine friend, Sometimes Saintly Nick’s, natal celebration. He is one smart and amusing man of the cloth.

If you get a second, click HERE and go wish Mr. Nick one helluva Happy Birthday. Here’s to ya, Nick!!

Happy Valentine’s Day, all.

I am working today, but when I get home tonight, I am going to have a few V-Day beers and then pierce Schmoop’s Gates of Venus with my Arrow de la Cupid.

And it won’t cost me a thing...well, other than a few claw marks on my back and puncture wounds from her incisors.

Cheers!!

Just Call Me Cupid

Four Days Left!! Four days until Valentine's Day, Bitches. Better get your freak on if you want to impress the one you love.

It is hard however...what does a guy get his love?

Candy? Borrrrring, and it will go straight to your lover's hips.

Flowers? Roses die and are overpriced.

How about a Vermont Teddy Bear?

Puhleeeeeze. I see commericals for these stupid things every February.

It's a stuffed animal for God's sake. Unless, you're some pervert who is in love with an 8 year old girl, I think not.

In fact, the Vermont Teddy Bear Co. should rename themeselves, Pedophiles Direct!!

I know that Schmoop likes perfume...She really likes White Diamonds...

It does smell pretty good on her, but why stop at a good smelling neck and face? I could also get her a big can of Fem Fresh!! She'd smell great where it really counts...

I may as well go all the way...If her neck, wrists, and hoo-ha are a combination of wondrous scents, why not get her something me and the boys use at work?



Damn Straight!! I'll throw in a can of Ass Cleaner for her...um...can. As you can see, the best thing about this Ass Cleaner...It's Streakless!!

That is a bit much and she might gather from that troika of gifts that I think she stinks.

Perhaps I could get her something that I have always wanted to buy.

The Inflatable Bondage Chair...



Nothing says love like Air-Cushioned simulated rape and abuse. But alas, her and I would bust a hole in that thing in no time flat.

I wouldn't mind trying to get something "cute" for her this year, but not a Vermont Teddy Bear.

In spite of her 125 pound frame she does like to eat...but not candy so much.

Hmmmmmm? I need to find something cute that she could eat. How about this?



It is an adorable lookin' baloney...thingy...loaf with a smiley face. I think while cute, it might freak her out. It is after all, kinda clown lookin'.

I think I'll know what I'll do.

I'll use a gift certificate that I received for my birthday and get us something both her and I can sink our teeth into with Valentine's Day glee.

A special Heart-Shaped Pizza from one of Bagwine, Ohio's favorite pizza places, Cassano's.


Yeah that's the ticket; she'll love it...With this idea, I can not only have my pie, I'll get to eat it too.

Cheers!!

Valentine's Day: Pricey, Plastic Passion?

Today is the big day. Valentine’s Day…

A day when men purchase overpriced roses, perhaps a shiny bauble or two, and then take their loved one out for fine wine and food.

Later in the day, some men may even do the same thing for their wife.

What does said male unit get for his trouble and generosity?

Twelve words, “Awwwww, thanks honey. I can’t wait to tell all of my friends.”

Love is cruel.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not completely against one’s love taking on the form of some tangible, commercial reward, but it should be mutual.

Too often it is not, and on this day, I see too many men suffering from unrequited bling bestowment.

I guess one of my biggest peeves about Valentine’s Day is that Marketing Nazi’s try to coerce men into buying something for their target of affection.

Why buy something?

Creating something from one’s own heart, mind, and soul would be much more personal and romantic. Would it not?

For instance, this Valentine’s Day, I put together a memory box for Schmoop. It contains items that conjure up images from the first time we met.

The box contains a picture of a case of Bud Light, a leather belt, baby oil, and the very pair of red silk panties that she wore (albeit briefly) on the night we met.

That my friends was a special night.

It wasn’t just love and roses though. There was some angst and regret of how quickly the passion unfolded. I tried to somehow bottle Schmoop’s regret from that night.

I decided to symbolize that feeling by filling a shot glass full of my urine and leaving the toilet seat up.

Matt-Man: Ar-teest Amor!!

See? Personal handcrafted gifts are much better than say, Pajama Grams. Have you seen those commercials for Pajama Grams? Gimme a break.

The ad says something like…Hey Guys, order your woman a sexy pair of pajamas for Valentine’s Day and have it delivered to her in a fancy hat box.

The ad and the visuals of it, imply that if a guy buys these “hot” PJs, she will be so happy that the PJs will later be flying off of her and she will be spread eagle on the bed.

Fuck That.

If I spend serious coin on a pair of pajamas for my lady, I want her to leave them on and get my money’s worth out of them.

I want her to wear out that silky night garb to the point where her nipples have poked through the top, and the ass crack sweat has eaten away at the bottoms.

Passion is all well and good, but at what cost?

In spite of my slight cynicism about Valentine’s Day, I hope that yours is all that you’d like it to be. Have a wonderful day all, and as always…

Cheers!!