Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day: Here's To Schmoop!!

Valentine’s Day, hmmmm?

Those of you who read Bagwine Ruminations on a regular basis, know that I am boycotting and eschewing all commercial activities associated with Valentine’s Day.

No flowers. No candy. No Pajama Grams, nor overpriced baubles. However…

On this widely recognized, yet faux jour de l’amour, I shall take this opportunity to express the many reasons as to why I love my BFF/OSP, Schmoop…
As one can see, even at nearly 45 years of age, she still looks good in nothing but a leather jacket. Her boobs are in a word, Amazing!!

I’m always impressed by her trick that she does when she places four pencils under each boob and the eight #2 Ticonderogas in use, unlike her fun bags, defy gravity and remain tightly nestled ‘neath her breastesses.

When we’re getting randy, Schmoop will get on top, straddle me, and with her back upright and arching, will undo her bra, and her left tit will freefall directly into my mouth as her right one pokes me in the left eye.

When Schmoop undoes that bra, her puppies swing like dead weight from a hangman's noose. Glorious!!

I love the way her lips taste when I kiss her, especially after she has just finished downing 18 beers, a skillet full of bacon, and has forgotten to wipe her mouth. Exquisite!!

I am a major procrastinator by nature, so her ability to look ahead, be prepared, and stay on top of things is something I greatly admire.

Schmoop knows that stopping to fill the car with gas is vital when the gauge hits half a tank, because her eight mile round trip to work can put one on “E” in no time. Laudable!!
I appreciate her candor and honesty. I know that when she calls me an asshole, a cuntnugget, or a fucking moron, she means it. Refreshing!!

Schmoop makes a couple of sounds that put both a smile on my face and drive me nuts.

Sometimes when she is in the kitchen heating up frozen burritos in the microwave cooking a dinner that makes Wolfgang Puck look like a short order cook, she hums.

It’s a high pitched, lilting hum that makes me smile from ear to ear. It’s cute as hell, but there is another song of happiness she emits that tops even that.

When I am getting her from behind and my balls are smacking against her freshly tossed salad, her ass makes the most musical sound I have ever heard.

It’s like a metronome loudly clickity-clacking out a perfect 2/4 beat that would make John Phillip Sousa spew cum out of the slobber valves on his tuba. Encore!!

Anyhoo…

I love the Schmoop and have for some ten plus years now, and she is my best friend.

Most importantly, I know her so well, that I know she will find this post amusing...I like that.
Because of all that, I don’t wish her a mere Happy Valentine’s Day today; I wish her a Happy Everyday!!

Have a wonderful day everyone, and as always…

Cheers!!

21 comments:

David said...

So sweet yet crude and tasteless in pretty much every way possible. And I'm not even addressing the concept of TMI

Happy VD and Everyday to you and Schmoop.

Wonderfully amusing post as always.

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha Thanks David...I always like to go crude at first and end up with some heart-felt sweetness. Cheers David!!

ISRAEL CARRASCO said...

Bacon ?

Mike said...

Yes BAAACCCOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!!

Scott Oglesby said...

This was a very sweet and heartfelt ode to your girl. You also just made half the men in America want her, I think. Because yea, the bacon and the bra trick thing are both winners! You are lucky that you have such a hot, sweet girl Matt.

Happy Vday to her!!

Beth said...

Very nice dear. A touching tribute if there ever was one! Be ready tonite ;)

Matt-Man said...

Israel: Indeed...Bacon. Cheers IC!!

Mike: It ranks right up there with sex unless one is a Jew married to a Muslim. What? Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: You bring out the soft and touching side of me, and my words show that. The bacon is thawing and I'm warming up. Cheers and Zooooooves!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: She's kinda hot!! And when a naked Schmoop and hot bacon are paired together...Watch Out!! Cheers and Happy V-Day to Mrs. Scott!!

Dianne said...

you romantic you
such sweet loving so totally un-Hallmark like words
I love it!!

"cuntnugget" is one of Schmoops most wonderful inventions - what a word

she's a legend that woman

happy every day to both of you
now go have some great sex

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Sometimes I am so overome by my love for her that the poetry she instills in me comes bursting forth. She's my muse. T-Minus 10 hours until sex. Cheers Di!!

Jay said...

This is the sweetest, most insane V-Day tribute ever. So very touching.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I like to think outside the box and illuminate the nuances of what turns me on about her. Cheers Funny Man!!

MysteryChick said...

Damn, now that's a Valentine!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: I like to go all out. Have a wunnerful day. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Charles M. Bondo said...

...that's what love is all about, Charlie Brown...

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: Indeed it is. Cheers P-Man!!

Mike said...

'Jay: I like to think outside the box and illuminate the nuances of what turns me on about her.'

I think your brain is INSIDE her box ALL the time.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Nope...In fact the other night, I turned down sex so we could talk 'cause we were having fun talking. How HUGE is that!? Cheers Mike!!

Desert Rat said...

Saint Schmoop is one lucky girl!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: While I do thank you for the "lucky" part of your comment, Schmoop is no saint. Cheers Adorable One!!