Sunday, March 06, 2011

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: With This Ring, I Thee Get Tied Up

A cold and gray Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio but there is a warm ray of sunshine emanating within and throughout the family of my BFF/OSP, Schmoop.

There’s a gonna be a weddin’!!

That’s right folks, Schmoop’s 36 year old twice married niece is about to become her 36 year old THRICE married niece.

I’m not a numbers guy but I think that’s a marriage every twelve years.

If she keeps this pace up, by the time she’s 72, she’ll be working on marriage number six!! Not quite Liz Taylor nuptial notoriety, but impressive nonetheless.

This marriage is going to be both super and supernatural, ’cause dig it…

The guy Schmoop’s niece betrothing herself to or whatever is a minister. Hell, he could perform the ceremony himself.

But wait a minute sports fans, it gets better.

Not only is this guy a minister, would you like to know what his name is?

RICK JAMES!! And he’s white!! I’ve always thought of myself as the white Rick James, but this guy really is!!

That’s right kids…Pastor Rick James is getting hitched to Schmoop’s niece, who will soon be better and legally known as Mrs. Super Freak.

Holy Cow, can you imagine the ceremony…

When the officiating minister comes to the part where he asks if anyone has any objections, people will be afraid to say yes.

When the minister asks Pastor Rick, “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?” Pastor Rick is going to reply:

“Hell Yeah I do; I’m Rick James, Bitch!!”

As for Schmoop’s niece, when she says she will “love, honor, obey” she better realize that with Rick James, those words take on a completely atypical and painful meaning.
And oh how I’d like to be a fly on the wall of their honeymoon suite…

I can see her lying bed as a coked up Rick James stands over her. Bible in one hand and a bull whip in the other, screaming:

“The power of Christ compels you to bark like a dog and suck my dick, Bitch!!”

Oh hell yeah…I bet Charlie Sheen gots nothing on the one and only Pastor Rick James.

Amen, and Amen…

I’m going to be here, there and everywhere today so enjoy your Sunday folks, and as always…

Cheers Bitches!!


Jay said...

He can preside of the ceremony, be the groom AND perform at the reception. What a great way to save money on a wedding! ha

MysteryChick said...

Hmmm, I always thought I was Mrs. Super Freak, maybe I'm the Ms. instead.

Mike said...

Could it be possible that Rick James doesn't know who Rick James is?

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha...yes he could. David, Schmoop and I discussed that. Cheers Jay!!

Chick: You always will be to me. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Mike: Ha..I wouldn't be surprised by that. Cheers Mike!!