Tuesday, April 05, 2011

State Department Under Secretary William J. Burns...The Wine Has Been Poured, and the Die Has Been Cast!!

If you read yesterday’s post, you know that I am seceding from the United States, turning the Bagwine digs into its own, autonomous nation.

As promised, I contacted the U.S. State Department, specifically, Under Secretary for Political Affairs, William J. Burns, and formally announced my intentions.

Herein, lies the copy of the e-mail sent to him yesterday morning…

Dear Under Secretary Burns,

It is with sadness that I have to inform you, and the government of the United States of this, but with heavy heart, yet resolute conviction, I am seceding from the United States of America and forming my own, autonomous nation.

Living in the United States has for me, become unbearable, maddening, and quite frankly, disappointing.

The impetus for this stems from the ideological blather that fills the airwaves of talk radio, the raging, mindless “political punditry” that oozes through the fiber optic conduits of cable TV, and most importantly…

I am disappointed in the U.S. Congress and Executive Office for treating the course and future of the nation as some type of game which when played as currently, is but a means to their ends and reelections, while yielding nothing for the American people other than bitterness and despair.

I know, by invoking Article IV and/or the supremacy clause in Article VI of the Constitution you will tell me this action is illegal, but I must press on and do some invoking myself.

My action of forming an independent enclave state within the U.S. is based upon the moral right to secede in order to protect the right to free political participation, preserve the culture of the inhabitants, as well as the right to liberty and freedom of association.

Please inform Secretary Clinton and President Obama of my intentions and allow me to pass on a few facts about the new country of The Benevolent Bungalow of Bagwine so you guys will know something about us…

Population: 2

Land Size: approx. 710 sq. ft.

Capital: Computer de la Matt-Man

Largest City: The Living Room

Head of State: Philosopher King Matt-Man (figurehead)

Prime Ministress: Schmoop

Major Exports: American Dollars and Sarcasm

Major Imports: Cigarettes, Beer, Wine, and Frozen Pizza. (You’d have a rare trade SURPLUS with us!!)

Gross Domestic Product: 3 times a week when really lucky.

Arable Land: 0% (unless I buy a potted hosta and then it zooms to .0001%)

Livestock: 1 domestic feline per every 2 people

Literacy Rate: 100% (at least when it’s early in the day)

I hope these statistics will help you to get to know us better.

I thank you for your time and will be contacting the U.N. in order to make them aware of my intent, as well as contacting the Chinese Embassy among others, in order to seek economic assistance, along with notifying many and varied media outlets.

Again, thank you, and I hope to have formal, yet warm international relations with the United States soon.


Matt Mahoney, Philosopher King of BBB



Mike said...

I hear the Chinese have a lot of extra cash the need to inve..... NO WAIT! WE have the cash. They have IOU's. Maybe you can offer to store the IOU's for a small fee. But I think you're going to need a bigger place.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: That's an idea, but I don't want to get a bigger place. We want to keep government small here in Bagwine. Cheers Mike!!

Jay said...

I'm guessing that you have probably created a constitutional crisis with this email. Things could get ugly. Be prepared. Stock up on frozen pizzas and the ingredients for hot dog casserole.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I hope I have. I can't wait to send out my press release to the media over the next day or two. Should be fun. We have frozen pizzas and will resupply this weekend. Cheers Jay!!

David said...

I love using the word "Herein" as much as I like the phrase "let me say this about that".

The world as you know it just possibly be about to end.

Matt-Man said...

David: I love that word too, and seriously if my world does cease to exist as I know, that might not be such a bad thing. Cheers David!!

Dianne said...

I wish to apply for asylum in your great nation

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Oh by all means...I hope the tight sleeping quarters aren't a problem for you. Cheers Sexy!!

Raquel's World said...

Well what about your flag, bird, symbol etc. jeez Matt stop being such a slacker?

Now more importantly how did he respond, or is that a future post?

sybil law said...

Raquel took my comment!
You totally need a flag - I'm guessing the flower is a Wild Irish Rose.
And hold on - Bagwine is near Dayton?
I need to google this shit...

Desert Rat said...

You know you're going to be on their special list, right?

I think your national mammal should be the Desert Rat. I'm sure it would thrive in a small vivarium in the corner of your Great Nation.

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: Haven't gotten a response yet and the other stff you mention is coming. Holy Shit, Roc...Do you know how hard it is to Found a Coountry!? Cheers Roc!!

Sybil: It's already in the works but Roc thinks one can just go to an IKEA store and find one's country's acoutrements. Yeah I'm 25 minutes from Dayton. Cheers Hot Lips!!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Oh my...Consider it done, you are the perfect mammal. Cheers Rat!!

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

oh how this post made my day!
where is the fence i must climb over to enter? 25 miles from dayton in what direction.....I live in DC and it's nuts here! must leave before elections! stat.

John said...

Have you considered going "The Mouse That Roared" route? Declare war on the USA, surrender immediately, and reap the benefits of war relief. I'm certain the US gov will spend millions to rebuild your country.