Monday, April 04, 2011

I Prefer Liberty With Danger Than Peace With Stupidity !!

I am so sick of the United States. Tired of living here. Fed up beyond belief.

I am disgusted with American cable news, political pundits, talk radio egos, and our government, all of which are loaded with right wing nuts, left wing kooks, and plain and simple, crazy people.

So…

I am leaving the country as quickly as possible. “To which country will you flee, Matt?”…you ask?

None. They all suck.

No my friends, I am not leaving this nation in the physical sense. I am leaving the United States of America in a ideological, political, and constitutional sense.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am seceding from the Union. So move over San Marino, Liechtenstein, and Vatican City…

The Benevolent Bungalow of Bagwine is about to be established and become the newest and tiniest nation in the world.

There a few bugs to work out and things to think through, but I am already working on these things.

First of all…

The secession and this new nation involves only this apartment, so when I send my letter of secession to the U.S. State Department, they will likely consider it to be the mere ramblings of a mad man and probably won’t dispatch the military to quash my rebellion.

Secondly, I need to establish a Head of State, so…

I am appointing myself, Philosopher King of Bagwine. I haven’t cleared this with the other resident of this natal nation, but I’m sure Schmoop will express her agreement when I tell her, by saying to me:

“Whatever Mahoney.”

That pending, yet certain response may seem to be indifference, but what it really is, is a mandate.

And in all fairness, and since Schmoop is the only other human resident of the Benevolent Bungalow of Bagwine, in my infinite wisdom, I will appoint her to several cabinet positions.

This is all I am at liberty to publicly disclose for now, but no worries.

I am going to work Monday on my letter of secession that I will be sending (and don’t think I won’t) to the State Department, and will share that with you and any response that I may get from them (which I’m sure I will).

Additionally, I will be contacting the Chinese Embassy to see if they will back my secession through diplomatic and monetary aid. I will let you know how that works out for me as well.

There you go…The seeds of secession have been sown, and now it’s time to fertilize them by working on some details and writing and sending out a few well-placed e-mails.

Let Freedom Ring, Bitches, and as always…

Cheers!!

14 comments:

Beth said...

Whatever Mahoney! Oh, and don't call me for bail money when "they" come knocking on the door;)

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: See? You've given me a MANDATE!! And no worries, I have a way around my arrest which I will disclose soon. Cheers and Zoooooves!!

MysteryChick said...

Oh dear, I hope this isn't going to result in some kind of stand-off. Good luck Matt-Man, it looks like you're headed for the national watch list!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: With any luck, it will result in all of those things. I'm sure FOX News will be here to cover it. Cheers Chick!!

Knight said...

How exciting! May I join you? I would be happy to fill in for any positions Schmoop doesn't want ;)

Matt-Man said...

Knight: We shall see, Knight. I am currently writing an e-mail to Under Secretary of State for Global Affairs, Maria Otero as we speak. I'll let you know tomorrow. Cheers Knight!!

Jay said...

¡Viva la RevoluciĆ³n!

I can't wait to watch the Feds storm your house on CNN. I'll be sure to have plenty of beer and nachos around and make it a party.

Hey, you could make up with your old buddy Muammar Gaddafi, who you threw under the bus recently. Then you can give him asylum and HE can finance your new sovereign state!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: You are fucking brilliant. The e-mail is nearly done I'll let you know when I get a response. I mean, if I am able. Cheers Jay!!

Michele said...

Go get them, tiger! Could the Dog's Life household be an ally?

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ha, I will, and yes by all means. I'm going to need all the allies I can get. Cheers Michele!!

Mike said...

Who's the scary looking guy in the suit?

Matt-Man said...

Mike: One good looking SOB. Cheers Mike!!

sybil law said...

You worry me when you start talking about "positions".
Haha
I guess I'll be visiting this land of your soon, along with 2 other crazy bitches. Woohoo!

Matt-Man said...

Sybil: If I'm not in jail it will be fun. Passport not required for you guys. Cheers Hot Lips !!