Friday, May 27, 2011

Memorial Day...Reflection and Amazement

Welcome to year six of Bagwine Ruminations, which appropriately enough, begins on the weekend that launches the unofficial beginning of summer.

This weekend in Bagwine, Ohio, and indeed, throughout this great nation of ours…

Memorial Day Weekend will be giving birth to the long awaited season of warm sunny days, starlit nights, and profound reverence for America.

The sidewalks of Main Street USA will be lined with Chinese-made American flags, bemused children, hung-over parents, and patriotic lookers on-ers, as America celebrates her fallen soldiers, sailors, and Marines with dignity and honor in the form of out of tune H.S. marching bands, glad handing political hacks, and old men in fezzes driving clown cars



After Taps has been played and the “Amens” said...

Mom will be off to the Memorial Day Sale at Macy‘s, and Dad will educate his son in the art of the deal, as he attempts to strike a good price on a new car by negotiating with a guy on stilts dressed as Uncle Sam at the local Buick dealership.

After that...The somber events of the morning must of course, be balanced with a little fun.

Private and public swimming pools everywhere will be littered with splashing children and older pedophile types, as the chlorine and filter systems work overtime in order to keep the urine and E. coli within acceptable levels.

As the day turns into early evening, a rebel family in Kansas will be having a blast playing with the last known set of "dangerous", illegal JARTS, while elsewhere in suburban America...

The beers will be popped open, the grills fired up, and kids will play croquet wearing chest protectors and bike helmets.

As the sun wanes, and the adults are left to their own devices…

A guy named Matt Hank will pork his new neighbor Leon’s comely wife Ashanti, as Leon lies face down, passed out on a grill of hot coals, as he drank too much while grilling steaks in order to impress his new white friends in a neighborhood that was once “off limits” to “his kind”.


As dusk turns to night, the memories of the fallen laid to rest, and the DUI Checkpoints closed down, America will sleep well knowing that it is fucking amazing that we have somehow managed to last this long as a nation.

Cheers!!

Don’t forget, Kidz…

Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT, Jayman and I will be broadcasting live on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio. We will be talking about Memorial Day festivities such as the ones you have just read about AND…

Michele Bachmann will be chiming in with a Memorial Day tribute of hope and inspiration that you will not want to miss. 

I hope you join us by listening to us by clicking HERE and/or calling in at 661.244.9852

10 comments:

Jay said...

It's gonna be a weekend of nothing but somber reflection and reverence around these parts. Well, mostly.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I know...People down your way miss Robert E. Lee, don't they? Cheers Jayman!!

Mike said...

Do you know EXACTLY what time the DUI check points are closing down?

Beth said...

BWWHAAAA!!!! Oh, and who is this Ashanti person of which you speak? Hmmm...

Joker_SATX said...

That was a good post Matt! Of course, things are gonna be a little different in my neck of the woods as I party with Hector and Consuelo but for the most part, you have it down pat!

Michele said...

Since, JR and I sprung for the $250 Romance package at the local resort and spa there will be a whole lot of somber reflection and reverence going on down here. Uh wait...that might not of come out right. Uh yeah, it did, sorry.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha. all I know is that the ones around here typically run into 3 AN if that helps. Have a wunnerful weekend Mike. Cheers!!

Schmoop: She's a singer/actress/hot chick. Get your "grill" ready, baby. Cheers and Zooooooooves

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ha. That's a beautiful thing. I mean...I'm sure it is. You and The Man have a wonderful weekend full of sweaty discovery. Cheers Michele!!

Raquel's World said...

I wonder what the hispanics do to celebrate? Hopefully they won't be slaughtering any animals.

Matt-Man said...

Raquel; Hey now...back off on the slugherting of animals. There's nothing more fun than a good ol' Hog Roast. Cheers Hot Stuff!!