Memorial Day: A Salute and a SALUTE !!

In honor of Memorial Day 2011, I offer you a poem from my dad’s first book, Irish Coffee…

De Profundis

I was young at Gettysburg,
And though Spring has come and gone a hundred times,
I am not old.
I am still thirst-quenched by Summer’s rain,
and laughter, wind-borne, nourishes me.
Beside me, my Captain sleeps,
and often, in the cool silence of the tombs,
when lilacs bloom, I hear him sigh.

I need no granite monolith,
pillowed in the dust of a century,
to mark my name.
It is graven in the ridge above me,
and in the quiet valley that slopes toward the sea.

Jack Mahoney ©1974

Here’s to my dad, and to all who have fallen in defense of this great nation.

Amen.

Now, on a lighter note…

Jayman and I are doing another award winning installment of I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio for you today at 11 AM EDT.

As you may know…

On our Monday show, we like to just spontaneously jump into the news headlines that are rocking our world.

Today we will be talking about Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and the 2012 GOP Presidential Primary field, but mainly we will be making topical jokes about dicks. Y’know…penises, dorks, wanks.

Evidently, one of I’m With Stupid’s fave congressmen, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) allegedly showed his manhood over the internets recently, and well…we are going to make a thousand and one jokes about it come to his defense.

We want to salvage this man’s good name and be his reputation prophylactic of sorts.

So there you have it.

Join Jayman and me at 11 AM EDT on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio by clicking HERE. And/or…

You can call us at 661.244.9852

Happy Memorial Day all, and as always…

Cheers!!

Memorial Day: My Patriotism Is On Display

It is going to be a bee-yoo-tee-ful Memorial Day weekend Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio.  Sunny and 88 degrees today.

I do looooove da heat, especially on days like today when I will be manning the Beer Mine from 11-7, because as we all know... 

8 hours + 88 Degrees = 174 Sweaty Cleavage Shots.

I always knew that math would come in handy someday.

And...as it can get hot fulfilling the grain and barley based orders of patriotic Americans on a hot day like today, I shall show a little cleavage of my own as I work the mine wearing this:

I am one patritotic mo fo, my brothers and sisters.

Enjoy your Sunday all, and if you tired and emotionally drained from all of your reflecting on this Memorial Day weekend, you can always listen to I'm With Stupid.

Jayman and myself celebrated Memorial Day on I'm With Stupid last night and it went something like this:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

And don't forget...

Instead of attending some parade full of creepy clowns and pedophile shriners on scooters, you can catch another live installment of I'm With Stupid tomorrow at 11 AM EDT.

Why am I and Jayman doing a show on Memorial Day, you ask?

Because stupid never takes a holiday.

You can access our show page by clicking HERE.

As always, my friends...

Cheers!!

The Louder You Scream, The More I Learn

So…

I walked into the house that I used to own this past Thursday in order to pick up my 16 year old son Ryno and take him to school.

I enter the house whistling a happy tune, and then…BAM!!

Between Ryno, his Mom’s body language, and lack of sarcasm directed toward me, I could immediately tell that things were not well.

It seems that our son, who has been doing much better academically, had recently fallen off the wagon of paying attention, and again doing what he had done in the past.

I’m down with that.
 
I mean, not down in a sense that that is okay, but rather he’s 16, digs chicks and basketball, and like his dad, has the attention span of…well…somebody’s who name escapes me. Anyhoo…

His mom is being nasty towards him.

He, in all his soon to be 17 year old glory, is holding back his tears, and I, sitting on the couch (of which I got a great deal back in the day) am feeling like B List actor Lloyd Bochner in an episode of the Twilight Zone, saying to myself…

“What the fuck?”

Ryno is a great kid. He’s funny. Respectful (for a 16 year old), and smart. The boy is lazy academically, and always has been until he needs to step it up.

Here’s the thing…

His Mom berates him because he does not get all A’s. She is constantly nagging him for not taking advantage of the private school he goes to…she doesn’t like his “misfit” friends.

First of all…

Much like his Dad, Ryno will never get A’s in Math. He can get perfect scores on English tests, but that matters not.

He has to be first in everything, or…he is last.

I know the feeling. I went through the same thing with her. I was never good enough. Other people had better houses, more money, and more importantly, more status…

What a joke. 

She literally berated me with nailed finger at my nose, pushed me around, and spit in my face. In spite of all the things I did to her, there’s no excuse for that.

 
I left that environment because well, Ryno was young and cried often because we fought. I’ve learned from that. But evidently, she hasn’t…

As he was tearing up on the way to school that day, Ryno said to me...

“Dad, I am never good enough; she yells and gets in my face with her finger and scares me freaking out.”

It has been too late for Ryno’s Mom and I to fix those things for years, but let’s hope she can fix things between her and Ryno before another man, namely Ryno, leaves her life, and she is left alone with her anger and her bigotry.

Her bigotry you ask? The “misfit” friends of Ryno’s who his mom referred to? They go to his private school because they have vouchers.

According to his Mom, they are a bad influence on Ryno, because as we all know, poor kids and kids of color are losers.

Yeah…That’s the kind of social bullshit and racial bigotry crap he lives with, but….He’s already beyond all that, I just wonder if someday soon, he will say...

“Mom, shut the Hell up, and leave my friends alone.”

I’m pretty sure he will, although unlike me, he'll be polite about it.

Cheers!!

Make sure you listen to I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio tonight at 6:30 PM EDT. We are having a Memorial Day Weekend Extravaganza and want you to join in.

You can listen to us by clicking HERE and/or calling in at 661.244.9852

Memorial Day...Reflection and Amazement

Welcome to year six of Bagwine Ruminations, which appropriately enough, begins on the weekend that launches the unofficial beginning of summer.

This weekend in Bagwine, Ohio, and indeed, throughout this great nation of ours…

Memorial Day Weekend will be giving birth to the long awaited season of warm sunny days, starlit nights, and profound reverence for America.

The sidewalks of Main Street USA will be lined with Chinese-made American flags, bemused children, hung-over parents, and patriotic lookers on-ers, as America celebrates her fallen soldiers, sailors, and Marines with dignity and honor in the form of out of tune H.S. marching bands, glad handing political hacks, and old men in fezzes driving clown cars

After Taps has been played and the “Amens” said...

Mom will be off to the Memorial Day Sale at Macy‘s, and Dad will educate his son in the art of the deal, as he attempts to strike a good price on a new car by negotiating with a guy on stilts dressed as Uncle Sam at the local Buick dealership.

After that...The somber events of the morning must of course, be balanced with a little fun.

Private and public swimming pools everywhere will be littered with splashing children and older pedophile types, as the chlorine and filter systems work overtime in order to keep the urine and E. coli within acceptable levels.

As the day turns into early evening, a rebel family in Kansas will be having a blast playing with the last known set of "dangerous", illegal JARTS, while elsewhere in suburban America...

The beers will be popped open, the grills fired up, and kids will play croquet wearing chest protectors and bike helmets.

As the sun wanes, and the adults are left to their own devices…

A guy named Matt Hank will pork his new neighbor Leon’s comely wife Ashanti, as Leon lies face down, passed out on a grill of hot coals, as he drank too much while grilling steaks in order to impress his new white friends in a neighborhood that was once “off limits” to “his kind”.

As dusk turns to night, the memories of the fallen laid to rest, and the DUI Checkpoints closed down, America will sleep well knowing that it is fucking amazing that we have somehow managed to last this long as a nation.

Cheers!!

Don’t forget, Kidz…

Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT, Jayman and I will be broadcasting live on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio. We will be talking about Memorial Day festivities such as the ones you have just read about AND…

Michele Bachmann will be chiming in with a Memorial Day tribute of hope and inspiration that you will not want to miss. 

I hope you join us by listening to us by clicking HERE and/or calling in at 661.244.9852

Memorial Day 2010

I wrote this back in 2008, and while the players have changed, little else has…Have a wunnerful day, I shall be working all day, but eh, I dig it.

Memorial Day…

A time of reflection and appreciation for those men and women who have given their life on behalf of all Americans.

This is a day that evokes a range of emotions from gratitude, sadness, and pride.

Today throughout this fine land there will be parades held in every city, town, and burg.

Spectators will wave their little Chinese made American flags as fez-wearing Shriners drive in a zig-zag pattern down Main Street in tiny cars and scooters.

The local High School Band will march down the boulevard blaring a discordant cacophony of sounds that are actually a bad version of Hang On Sloopy.

Here’s to you Glenn Miller, thank you for your service.

I was glad to see on television this morning that one of my favorite Memorial Day celebrations continues.

I saw a commercial promoting the profoundly moving Sam’s Club Memorial Day Serta Mattress Sale.

What says, “Thank you Pat Tillman” more, than waking up from a good night’s sleep with a straight spine?

I’ll tell you what...

The freedom that these fallen soldiers have provided to us that allows the private and public swimming pools to open today and be invaded by kids who cannot control their urge to pee in the deep end is astounding.

I find that to be a fine tribute to the United States Marines…Semper Fi!!

Of course what would Memorial Day be without Senatorial dignitaries chiming in?

John “I served, so I am the only one qualified to be President” McCain will certainly speak a few words. I am sure his words will be stirring. His speech may sound something like this…

“These fallen heroes have given the ultimate sacrifice to their country to defend our freedom. It’s a great sacrifice to give, and especially hard on the ones that they leave behind, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willin’ to make for the next hundred years.”

Bravo Senator, stay the course!!

Festivities will be taking place in backyards throughout the country as well. Families will remember fallen loved ones by throwing a slab of ribs on the grill and playing badminton with a red, white, and blue shuttlecock.

The crazy uncle will receive third degree burns inside of his mouth because he bit into an overcooked brat which exploded and inundated his mouth with liquid hot pig juice.

Don’t worry, the pain will be dulled by the copious amounts of alcohol he has consumed. (Ed. Note: Please refrain from interjecting personal experiences.)

The backyard barbeque is such a healing event.

This Memorial Day we have troops continuing to fight needless and ill-conceived wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, dodging snipers and IEDs.

Don’t worry too much about them, because our Commander-in-Chief has a plan for victory.

It is more important than ever, that we Americans hold cookouts, complain about gas prices, and look forward to the next American Idol, because if we don’t do this, the terrorists win…

Or something like that.

Be safe and enjoy your Memorial Day, all.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Memorial Day

It is going to be a muggy and possibly stormy Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio today, but Memorial Day festivities are in full swing. However…

Did you ever think that maybe it would be great that if someday…

There was no Memorial Day?

Wouldn’t it be cool if at some point we in the States, or any other country for that matter, no longer had to set aside a day to honor the war dead?

Yeah, that would be cool. Idealistic? Of course, it is.

And the thought is also big minded…and out of the realm of possibility. Sure it is. I know….blah, blah, blah, Mr. Liberal.

But really? Is it a Liberal idea or one that every crying child in Tel Aviv, every anxious parent in Islamabad, every mournful mother and father in Belfast has…or once had?

I think it's an idea that all of those folks have had. And that, ironically, is what makes this world a sometime sad and lonely place.

I believe that be you Muslim, Jew, or Christian…Westerner, Asian, or African…Gay, Straight, Black, or White…we believe in much the same things.

We for the most part, want to get drunk on the champagne laughter of kids playing ball in the street.

We want to go to the grocery, or to the market, or to the bazaar, and pick out something good to feed our family for dinner.

We want to lay our heads down at night and sleep…A deep, sound sleep that doesn’t include thoughts of suicide bombers, Wall Street vagabonds, or third rate dictators.

“That would be nice”, you say, “but it’s so idealistic.”…Only to the small minded.

Those of us, of all creeds, color, political bents, and nationalities who want peace, far outnumber those of us on this planet who do not.

And yet, many cower from their desire for a peaceful life by taking shelter within the shadows of their fear…and their hate.

From the Alpine campaigns of Hannibal, to the Battle of Crecy, to the thousands who died at Shiloh, war has done nothing but left the common man and woman and their families, the very dead exclamation on someone else's point.

I would like to see that within a generation or two, Memorial Day is no longer a day in which we honor the war dead…

But rather, a day to honor the sacrifice of those who gave of themselves in a practice in which we as human beings, no longer engage.

I don’t think that is a Liberal thought. I don’t think it’s a Conservative thought. I think it’s a Human thought.

On top of that, if this idea comes to fruition, I won’t have to read “In Flanders Field” on every damn blog come this Memorial Day.

Amen, and Amen…

Cheers!!

Memorial Day 2010: Cleavage and Thunderstorms

Have a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend my friends. I shall be manning the Beer Mine from 11-9 today.

It is going to be hot and humid, so the cleavage should be popping all day long.

And tomorrow? I am off and there may be some thunderstorms popping, and you know what that means...


Damn right...Thunderstorm sex with Schmoop. Praise Jeebus and warm up the Olive Oil, 'cause Matty-Boy is gonna stuff Schmoop's Calzone.

Have Fun. Be Safe, and of course...

Cheers!!

Who Me? An Asshole? Not Any Longer.

I was called an asshole a couple of times this week. Doesn’t really bother me too much, but…

I figured that during this unofficial start to summer, Memorial Day weekend I, from now through Monday, will refrain from being an asshole.

It won’t be easy because I work all day Saturday and all day Monday. Some customers may test my patience and threaten my asshole free pledge.

No matter what transpires, me not being an asshole won’t be easy, because I guess I can be one. I asked Schmoop about just that.

I said to her, “Can you think of any time when I was being an asshole?” After she choked on her beer and her laughing stopped, Schmoop replied…

“Where do you want me to start? How about how you pee in front of the toilet or on the back of the toilet. Hell Mahoney, you piss everywhere but IN the toilet!!”

Okay I can accept that, although it’s not really my fault. It’s due to my Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted while peeing.

Schmoop continued with a laundry list of things but I had to go to work. I could still hear her rattling off asshole instances even after I shut the door and was halfway down the hall.

I got to work and it wasn’t very busy, so I began to think of times that perhaps I was an asshole.

My brother Marty had a New Year’s Eve party some years ago. We were all drinking…a lot. We all spent the night at Marty’s.

I woke up first headed to his bathroom to get some aspirin for my massive hangover, and then…

Prior to leaving I took every aspirin and headache remedy from his house along with his can of coffee. Ha!!

There was no aspirin nor a drip of coffee for my brother and a half dozen or so of his hung-over guests. Hee Hee.

A window company out of Dayton called me once and asked if I would be interested in having a salesman stop by and talk to me about new windows. I told them, “sure.”

A couple of nights later I got a call from the company saying that their guy couldn’t find the place. I gave them the address again.

A few minutes later I got another call and the lady said her guy still couldn’t find my house.

I said, “House? I live in an apartment building.” I believe I heard the chick mutter, “motherfucker” prior to slamming the phone down on me. Hee Hee.

A couple of days prior to my sophomore year the High School Marching band was practicing outside. I plotted and executed an attack on the Marching Band Director.

On a dead run from the hill that overlooked the practice field, I swept in, let loose a goose egg the size of a softball, and it exploded on the ass of said director. Ha.

I was busted and thusly suspended for the first two weeks of school.

Last summer, a gaggle of teenage chicks attempted to walk through the Beer Mine, I said, “Hey, you can’t cut through here.”

One chick uttered, “That’s gay.” Being the adult I should have ignored her but instead I retorted, “So’s your old man, Princess.”

Yeah…these are but a few minor examples. I guess I can be an asshole.

Even my mom thought so, but she would tell me that I was an asshole (especially where my mouth was concerned) in a kind, motherly way.

She would say to me all the time, “Matthew, why do you have to see how far you can push people?”

My son recognizes my assholiness. I took him to school Thursday and when we pulled up, I saw a kid of Asian descent. I said to Ryno, “What’s his name?”

Ryno responded, “Ken-chi.”

I chuckled and said, “Ken-ch--”

Before I could finish my remark, Ryno said, “Dad, don’t. Just let it go.”

So, since it is apparent that so many people find me to be an asshole, from 12 A.M. Friday until Monday at 11:59 P.M., I shall not be an asshole.

I will be pleasant, thoughtful, and all smiles, cuddles and filled with the joy of Christmas.

I shall either come out of this a better man, or my head will assplode.

Wish me luck.

Cheers!!

Memorial Day 2009: Black Dresses and Bloody Beaches

Here’s to Memorial Day…

I say, “Here’s to” Memorial Day because I just don’t think the word, “Happy” is quite the description that fits this Holiday.

Unless of course, you are all giddy about picking up a “black BCBG dress – beautiful detailing, light-weight silk for summer, and marked down from $158 to $79...” at the incredibly solemn, Macy’s Memorial Day Sale!!

If that’s the case…be as happy as you want on this day.

Anyhoo, to wit, and heretofore…(I dig saying that.)

I offer to you, a simple Memorial Day post today, along with the hopes that you enjoy the day and enjoy it safely.

My dad served in the U.S. Navy from 1942-1945. He served aboard a munitions ship in the Pacific. He served with honor and distinction…as did so many others during World War II.

In spite of all of the death and destruction that occurred during the Big One, my dad had a somewhat funny tie to the war.

While on a short leave, he married my mom. The date? August 6, 1945. Uh-Huh…The day that we dropped the bomb on Hiroshima.

His leave was made permanent, and their marriage lasted through nine kids, and 53 years until his death in 1998.

Here’s a picture of Jack and Mary Anne from that era…

My dad saw many things during the war that stuck with him and which he ultimately wrote about in his poetry.

One of the bloodiest battles he was engaged in, was the Battle of Tarawa. He wrote the following poem, Tarawa, and it appeared in his second book, “Credo”.

Tarawa
misbegotten
pin-point in history;
what angry god
was mid-wife to your birth;
what ancient sun
saw you rise
from the ocean floor?

Decades ago,
on a blood red sea,
I watched
as you were ravished
and stripped naked
and in return,
you became a parched grave
for five thousand men.

Never for them
the solace of the rich earth.
nor the kiss of Spring;
only the sharp coral, and the eternal sun.

Do you hate them still?

--JJM ©1981

Here’s to your safe enjoyment of Memorial Day, and to Vinny and Jay, I hope you both find sexy dresses that scream, “Look at me guys!!” when you go to Macy’s today.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Memorial Day

Did you ever think that maybe it would be great that if someday…

There was no Memorial Day?

Wouldn’t it be cool if at some point we in the States, or any other country for that matter, no longer had to set aside a day to honor the war dead?

Yeah, that would be cool. Idealistic? Of course, it is. But, few things in life worth having, are rarely not idealistic.

And big minded…and out of the realm of possibility. Sure it is. I know….blah, blah, blah, Mr. Liberal.

But really? Is it a Liberal idea or one that every crying child in Tel Aviv, every anxious parent in Islamabad, every mournful mother and father in Belfast has had…or once had?

I think it's an idea all of those folks have had. And that, ironically, is what makes this world a sometime sad and lonely place.

I believe that be you Muslim, Jew, or Christian…Westerner, Asian, or African…Gay, Straight, Black, or White…we believe in much the same things.

We for the most part, want to get drunk on the champagne laughter of kids playing ball in the street.

We want to go to the grocery, or to the market, or to the bazaar, and pick out something good to feed our family for dinner.

We want to lay our heads down at night and sleep…A deep, sound sleep that doesn’t include thoughts of suicide bombers, Wall Street vagabonds, or third rate dictators.

“That would be nice”, you say, “but it’s so idealistic.”… Only to the small minded.

Those of us, of all creeds, color, political bents, and nationalities who want peace, far outnumber those of us on this planet who do not.

And yet, many cower from their desire for a peaceful life by taking shelter within the shadows of their fear…and their hate.

From the Alpine campaigns of Hannibal, to the Battle of Crecy, to the thousands who died at Shiloh, war has done nothing but left the common man and woman and their families, the very dead exclamation on someone else's point.

I would like to see that within a generation or two, Memorial Day is no longer a day in which we honor the war dead…

But rather, a day to honor the sacrifice of those who gave of themselves in a practice in which we as human beings, no longer engage.

I don’t think that is a Liberal thought. I don’t think it’s a Conservative thought. I think it’s a Human thought.

(On top of that, if this idea came to fruition, I won’t have to read “In Flanders Field” on every damn blog come this Memorial Day. But I digress…)

Amen, and Amen…

Have a great day…I am working all day, but I have a request...

In addition to praying for World Peace and eating hamburgers, pray that Matt-Man gets to see some boobies (much like those in the picture) while he’s doling out the beer.

Cheers!!

Help A Fella Out

Today is my Memorial Day celebration.

It’s my only day off between now and next Thursday.

So you know what that means? That’s right…

Party Time!!

I am going to go see Ryno for awhile this morning and then back here to the digs to begin my Memorial Day On A Saturday Celebration.

What should I do? I mean, Schmoop’s basement is flooding, so no sex for the Matt-Man.

She’s not going to feel like going anywhere, so that’s not an option…Hmmmm?

Any suggestions? Anyone? No? Hmmm?

I can drink more than a few beers. We have brats on hand. David will probably drop in to share an apéritif…or 12.

I suppose we could watch a baseball game on the tube…maybe crank some tunes. Patriotic tunes of course, in keeping with the theme.

I guess, I could stop by the cemetery and say “hi” to Dad in honor of his service. He was in the Navy during the Big One.

He served aboard a munitions ship. Can you think of anything worse? Floating around the Pacific with tons and tons of ammo under your ass.

Screw that. One good shot from a Jap, and BANG-O!! Fortunately he made it through alive and after fathering eight previous children, helped to spawn the Matt-Man.

Of course, by the time I hit my teens years, ol’ Dad was probably longing to be back on that munitions ship dodging the Japs in the middle of the Pacific.

Huhhhhhh. What to do? I feel like I am being left out of the Memorial Day loop.

That’s all I got. That’s all there is. There isn’t anymore.

If you have any suggestions as to how I can add spice to my Memorial Day On A Saturday Celebration, please let me know.

Beer, Brats and Basement Flooding can only do so much for a guy. C’mon folks, help a guy out, would ya?

Cheers!!

Fire Up The Grill...It's Nearly Memorial Day!!

I can’t believe that a week from today is Memorial Day. Holy Cow!!

How time does fly when one is a used up old man, but nonetheless.

I really dig Memorial Day weekend.

The smell of brats cooking on the grill…the taste of Ice Cold Beer…and creepy, candy throwing child molesters Shriners buzzing around on tiny scooters all over Main Street U.S.A.

Memorial day also ushers in the unofficial start of summer.

Ahhh summer. In fact, after a cool start to this week in Bagwine, the outlook is for a stretch of weather with temps hovering right around 80.

This Memorial Day weekend is going to be another rip roarin’ good time for me. Oh yeah, Bitches.

Friday, Sunday, and Memorial Day itself…I’ll be working!! Doesn’t that sound fun? You betcha!!

Actually, I’m glad that I have the job and I like it, but seriously, unless one is brain dead, wouldn’t ya rather have a long weekend?

Moreover, in addition to our regular customers, with the long weekend and warmer weather, we’ll have people come through that have never been through a beverage drive-thru before.

Oh Dear GAWD!! It only takes one fascinated newbie to get the line backed up for what seems like miles. (More on that later this week.)

On the upside…Warmer weather equals fewer clothes on the chicks. Standing next to the cars, towering over the windows of said babes, my eyes will be focused on Cleavage Central.

But still…I’ll be working, so…bleah. But listen to this, my friends, my weekend gets better.

The ex, Ryno, and his grandparents are headed to Missouri for a family reunion on Friday and returning Monday.

So what, you ask? Well, someone has to feed the cat, Sherlock, while they’re gone. That’s right. That someone would be me. They asked me last night, and I said yes.

Now why does one need to feed the cat? Can’t they just put out a few extra bowls of food? Folks, let me tell ya…

Sherlock is an orange, 16 year old, 16 pound Maine Coon Cat with a whole lotta arthritis and only four teeth. He can only eat soft food.

Spending part of my Memorial Day weekend with an old cat in a house that used to belong to me?…More Holiday joy for the Matt-Man.

On the upside, it will be nice spending time with a living, breathing being that has fewer teeth than me, however…

Knowing my luck, the poor bastard will finally keel over during my watch and it will be yet another thing that “I have done wrong.” Oy.

But as I mentioned, Saturday is a day free from work, so I can toss on some brats, drink beer, and have hot sex with Schmoop, right? Well…

Saturday is the 23rd of the month. Do you know what Schmoop is typically doing on the 23rd of each month. That’s right…BLEEDING!!

So, I tell you now…instead of mustard, just go ahead and pass me the hand crème for MY brat.

I just want to ask you all…

While you are having fun this weekend with friends and family and hopefully remembering those who gave their lives in war, take time to remember me, and what I’ll be doing this weekend…

Working, wet-nursing a geriatric cat, and yanking on my wank.

God Bless America.

Cheers!!

Salute the Flag and Head to Sam's Club

Memorial Day…

A time of reflection and appreciation for those men and women who have given their life on behalf of all Americans.

This is a day that evokes a range of emotions from gratitude, sadness, and pride.

Today throughout this fine land there will be parades held in every city, town, and burg.


Spectators will wave their little Chinese made American flags as fez-wearing Shriners drive in a zig-zag pattern down Main Street in tiny cars and scooters.

The local High School Band will march down the boulevard blaring a discordant cacophony of sounds that is actually a bad version of Hang On Sloopy. Here’s to you Glenn Miller, thank you for your service.

I was glad to see on television this morning that one of my favorite Memorial Day celebrations continues. I saw a commercial promoting the profoundly moving Sam’s Club Memorial Day Serta Mattress Sale.

What says, “Thank you Pat Tillman” more, than waking up from a good night’s sleep with a straight spine?

I’ll tell you what, the freedom that these fallen soldiers have provided to us that allows the private and public swimming pools to open today and be invaded by kids who cannot control their urge to pee in the deep end.

I find that to be a fine tribute to the United States Marines…Semper Fi!!

Of course what would Memorial Day be without Senatorial dignitaries chiming in?

John “I served, so I am the only one qualified to be President” McCain will certainly speak a few words. I am sure his words will be stirring. His speech may sound something like this…

“These fallen heroes have given the ultimate sacrifice to their country to defend our freedom. It’s a great sacrifice to give, and especially hard on the ones that they leave behind, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willin’ to make for the next hundred years.”

Bravo Senator, stay the course!!

Festivities will be taking place in backyards throughout the country as well. Families will remember fallen loved ones by throwing a slab of ribs on the grill and playing badminton with a red, white, and blue shuttlecock.

The crazy uncle will receive third degree burns inside of his mouth because he bit into an overcooked brat which exploded and inundated his mouth with liquid hot pig juice.

Don’t worry, the pain will be dulled by the copious amounts of alcohol he has consumed. (Ed. Note: Please refrain from interjecting personal experiences.) The backyard barbeque is such a healing event.

This Memorial Day we have troops continuing to fight a needless ill-conceived war in Iraq, dodging snipers and IEDs. Don’t worry too much about them, because our Commander-in-Chief has a plan for victory.

It is more important than ever that we Americans hold cookouts, complain about gas prices, and look forward to the next American Idol, because if we don’t do this, the terrorists win…Or something like that.

Be safe and enjoy your Memorial Day, all.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Pleasures of the Flesh

See that sweet, cherubic face?

It’s just so, innocent and "girl next door looking", isn’t it?

Ha, don’t be fooled by it.

As I mentioned yesterday, I was hoping for a little sumpin’ sumpin’ on a Saturday night.

Well, be careful what ya wish for, right? Right!!

I am a broken man today as a result of a 4 hour Flesh-Fest.

That’s right, bitches, my wildest dreams came true (over and over again) and now I am paying for it.

I have to work 11-7 today, and my body is battered and bruised.

Schmoop worked me over but good. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed every minute of it. Every one of the 240 minutes.

But wow…I now need a non-sexual massage and some high powered vitamin supplements.

And my back, dear God, my back!!

It is so scratched up, it looks as though Picasso and Julie Newmar hooked up and did an abstract interpretation of Catwoman on my canvas of flesh.

Our carnal carnival lasted so long, that we took a break half way through and ate some brats, then returned to our pornographic play time.

As part of our service today I ask for your prayers for a full and quick recovery, for the Schmoop wants a repeat performance tonight.

Amen, and Amen.

Have a great Sunday, all.

Cheers!!

If you get the chance, tune into Turnbaby’s Blog Talk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.

Freaks Take a Holiday

Wow…I am stupefied.

It’s Memorial Day Weekend, and we are going to be having three days of good weather.

I cannot remember the last time that has happened in Bagwine, Ohio.

It’s exciting, and also more than a bit disturbing.

There will be far too many Bagwine freaks emerging from the shadows to participate in the weekend wackiness.

I can envision the west end hookers standing on the corners, showing off parts of their bodies that should be forever hidden.

I can smell the noxious aroma of the meth labs wafting through the gentle late May breeze.

I can hear the police sirens splitting the serenity of the spring sky as officers respond to yet another Old Milwaukee induced domestic violence call.

And those are things that are happening along the parade route!!

Oh well, today is my only day off during this long weekend, so it really doesn’t affect me that much.

I will spend this morning with Ryno, and then head back here to the Bagwine digs.

Schmoop, her brother, and I will pound copious amounts of fermented beverages, and get incredibly shit-faced.

And then later, hopefully, Schmoop and I will check out the bedroom, and I will get incredibly pie-faced…if ya know what I mean. Wink, wink.

That’s what I will be up to. I hope you will have a much better holiday weekend than I.

And now, our Bagwine Ruminations Comment of the Week…


We need to travel all the way back to last Sunday’s video post to find this week’s COW.

Last Sunday, I took you on a short road trip between the Bagwine digs and where my son lives.

Part of the journey led us through fast food row. Every major fast food chain was represented.

Roger, of Idaho Daily Photo, was particularly taken by one of the restaurants that he saw, and commented:

“That McDonald’s looks familiar.”

Ha. As a fan, of simple, minimalist humor, I laughed out loud when I read that.

So here’s to Roger for ropin’ this week’s COW. Please stop by and congratulate the crazy bastard by clicking HERE.

Enjoy your Saturday everyone, and wish me luck on my search for pie.

Cheers!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Memorial Day Weekend

This weekend is Memorial Day Weekend, a time we spend honoring our soldiers who have gone before us, right?

WRONG!!

Here's how we spend the time...

First we attend a parade, and delight in the pagentry of the floats and Marching Bands...

But...The parade quickly turns disturbing upon the sight of evil, candy throwing clowns and Shriners in little cars...

Yet, we still enjoy waving our American flags...Beautifully handcrafted by a 12 year old boy working for twenty cents an hour in a Beijing textile factory.

And then, it's back to the suburban backyard to enjoy a cookout consisting of that classic All-American food...The Bratwurst!!

Wanna Bite Mine!!?

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!!

Have a safe and fun-filled Memorial Day Weekend...

And may every soldier, from every war, who has passed on, find an everlasting and eternal peace.

I hope you can join me tomorrow for a spectacular, double-secret Bagwine Celebration.

Cheers!!

Hump Day Siesta

What a week it has been so far, and Hump Day is here.

I need a little down time today.

Maybe just take it easy, and catch up with some blogging buddies.

You see even though it is Hump Day, I don’t want to blow all my wad, all too soon.

We have a big weekend coming up…Memorial Day Weekend.

I have to save some of my Blog Lovin’ for the rest of the week leading up to the unofficial start to the Summer debauchery.

Tomorrow is Half-Nekkid Thursday, and I will be putting up my Memorial Day Edition of HNT. I’m sure it will be a stirring and patriotic sight.

And then boys and girls, on Friday, I am going to be kicking off the long weekend with a special Bagwine Celebration post.

I cannot tell you what it’s all about, but it will be one gloriously Wild Irish Rose colored event. Boo Yah, Bitches!!

But, I cannot leave you empty-handed, and empty hearted for a full day, so…

I present to you a very brief video of my favorite pussy in the whole wide world…

You have heard me talk about her, now meet her live over the internets.

My dear Bagwine Readers, I present Corky!!

Happy Hump Day, and Cheers!!