Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Jarts, Bouncy Houses, and Ponies: The Past, Present, and Future of Togetherness

When I was much younger, we used to have family cookouts quite often. I know, right? My fucked up family? Well, believe it or not, we actually used to like each other. Go figure.

Of course back then, I was too young to drink, which when one is surrounded by a bunch of drunks, sucks!!

I should note that my sister and her husband were not drunk. They…er…I mean she would walk around everyone with her self-righteous air that was form fitting.

But, it was still fun. Hell, we’d cook dogs, burgers, whatever. Play Jarts. The real Jarts with the pre-class action lawsuit, it’s all to protect the cheeeldren, metal tips.

We would have a Jarts championship every cookout, and my brother Steve usually won….evidently good weed is conducive to accurate Jart tossing.

We would also have a family photo. I still can’t figure out why one was men only and the other women and children. Hell, sometimes only the men got their picture taken. Just a weird tradition, I guess.

Alas, the cookout days are over and done now. Mom and Dad are gone, and to be honest, none of us like each other very much, or perhaps…we just don’t care.

M’eh, no skin off my butt.

Now though, I go somewhere else when I want a huge, colossal, drunken, game playing holiday cookout. Whewww, that was a mouthful!!

Whenever Matt-Man can drag me out of the house (once a year at best), we go to his brother Marty’s 4th of July Party. 

They don’t call him Party Marty for nothing, and calling his shindig an, “Extravaganza” is a complete understatement.

Marty and his beautiful wife don’t just throw parties, oh no…These parties are over the top, circus-like, fan fucking tastic!! And…

I am attending one this Sunday.

There won’t be any yard Jarts; however, there will be the following:

A Nacho Machine, a cotton candy machine, corn hole, a Family Olympics with prizes no less, wonderful food out the hoo ha, a river of potent potables, a live band, and dig it, one of those motherfucking, inflatable bouncy houses, plus...

Enough fireworks to make Bagwine, Ohio light up like the sky over Tripoli. Ha!!

Now remember, if you have ever read Matt’s posts about his brother’s house, this place has a pond and room for a pony…or eight.
I haven’t actually seen a pony yet, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I did.

I’m sure that there are other things that go along with this party, but that’s all I can remember. 

Marty and his wife are the nicest, sweetest people on the planet, and they love throwing parties like this.

Normally, I balk at going to huge things like this. I’m not very social, actually I’m quite awkward in these setting until I’m there for awhile, and there is the fact that Matt’s family is half the population of Bagwine…Ha!! Kidding!! Sort of, but…

This time? I’m kinda looking forward to it. Maybe I’ve changed. Maybe I’m becoming more of a people person.

Nah…

It’s because of the inflatable bouncy house, and the thought that there might be ponies.

Zoooooves!!

25 comments:

IWS Radio said...

After the fireworks, can we stay all night and have sex in the Bouncy House? Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Mike said...

I've still got a set of the 'real' jarts.

Beth said...

Matt: No. Loves!

Mike: Get out!! Really? God I loved those things. I hate the stupid plastic ones. If there's no chance of injury, what's the point?

RIch Taylor said...

Another epic post Schmoop, love it!

Rich Taylor said...

The thing with jarts is, you could commit murder within the family and claim it was a manufacturing defect. :-)

Beth said...

Rich: Hey! Thanks for commenting! That's a really good idea. Must find jarts.

Desert Rat said...

Never had Jarts, but we got us some horseshoes - wee haw! You can do a fair amount of damage with one of those babies (don't ask how I know that).

If there's a bouncy and the potential for a pony, I'd totally go! Have a GREAT TIME! (And I'll be expecting photo documentation of the mayhem on the 5th - well, okay, the 6th.)

Beth said...

Rat: Oh there will be photos! Now tell me the horeshoe damage;)

Desert Rat said...

Let's just say they "can" break and should be handled accordingly. ;-D

Hey, are you getting paid to blog right now? Hee hee!

Oh, and meant to tell you, I had a dream that I visited you and Matt-Man and got lost trying to find a Burger King. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm sure it's important.

Beth said...

Rat: Hee! Why yes I am getting "paid" to blog! Your dreams means that you need more Whoppers in your life;)

Desert Rat said...

Amen, sister! I think you nailed it!

MysteryChick said...

I've never heard of Jarts!

I've been going to the same party for almost 20 years now and the only games we play are drinking ones and the most danger involved is downing one of my jello shots.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

ELAINE: What about ponies? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies..

JERRY: I know, I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.

MANYA: ..I had a pony.

(The room is dead quiet)

JERRY: ..Well, I didn't really mean a pony, per se.

MANYA: (Angry) When I was a little girl in Poland, we all had ponies. My sister had pony, my cousin had pony, ..So, what's wrong with that?

JERRY: Nothing. Nothing at all. I was just merely expressing..

HELEN: Should we have coffee? Who's having coffee?

MANYA: He was a beautiful pony! And I loved him.

JERRY: Well, I'm sure you did. Who wouldn't love a pony? Who wouldn't love a person that had a pony?

Jay said...

Party at Mike's house!!!

There's nothing more American than getting rip-roaring drunk, playing with sharp objects and shooting off fireworks.

I'm feeling so patriotic right now, I'm about to start singing some Lee Greenwood.

Beth said...

Rat: Ha! I think that's my problem also!

Chick: Wait till I find a set, then we'll play. It's way fun. I love drinking games! We'll play those too!

Phfrankie: Everytime I hear about ponies I think of that episode! Of course, in my day to day business, I can always think of a Seinfeld episode! Thanks.

Beth said...

Jay: I'll meet you there! Think he'd let us in? No Lee Greenwood, I draw the line there buddy boy;)

Knight said...

A bouncy house?!! No way! Can I come? I'm just sitting on a roof with a bunch of lushes watching fireworks and probably eating some fancy shit like oysters. I want a nacho machine holiday.

It sounds like you might kinda like Matt's family which probably makes the social outing less hateful.

Beth said...

Knight: Come on down honey! I'll take you as my date, Matt won't mind;) Yea, I like them, and more importantly, they actually like me!!

sybil law said...

Ponies are like midget horses.
Still sounds like fun, though. Well, with the proper amount of alcohol. :)

Beth said...

Sybil: Oh yes, you must have the proper amount of alcohol, always!

Desert Rat said...

BTW, I wanted to mention I like how you're cleaning up the sidebar!

Beth said...

Rat: Oh that's a Matt-Man thing, I don't even know what a sidebar is!

Michele said...

Have a great time and don't let Matty try to lure you into the bouncy house. That Irish charm can be hard to resist.

Beth said...

Michele: Thank you, I will. Oh, and the Irish Charm? I have quite a bit of that me self;)

David said...

I can't recall them being called jarts - I was thinking it was a variation on sharts. oops

and dare I ask what a corn hole is at a party?