Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Tough Love for Dummies

I am a very polite and caring person. Shut up fuckers, I am!! Really!! Well…okay…


I am very polite and caring until someone gives me a reason not to be, um…polite and caring.

Stay with me folks, and allow me to ‘splain, OK?

Say I am cruising down Aisle 3 at the grocery, looking for that ever elusive sale on French Onion soup and some jerk is parked in the middle of the aisle staring at the gay, latest craze, low sodium, no taste soup.

I say…

Excuse me sir/ma'am.” and I get ignored..

I can’t get around them, so I say again…

“Excuse Me!!”

This time I am heard. Oh Praise the Baby Jeebus!!

Okay wait…I guess I wasn’t actually heard in the mental processing sense, it merely elicited a head turn, a glare, and then a 180 back to looking at the cans of low sodium, pussy soup. I ask myself…What Would Jesus Do?

Personally, I don’t fucking care. I shove their damn cart out of the way. See how where I was polite and then I wasn’t? Onward…

Let’s now go get some fuel for the Bagwine Mobile.

I’m at the gas station filling up ye old tank (‘cause Mahone won’t fucking do it for me, the bastard) when what do I hear over the speaker?

“Please turn off your cell phone prior to pumping gas.”

I don’t have a cell phone (product of the Devil, I tell ya.), so I look to my right and there is a woman talking on her phone with the pump stuck up the gasshole of her ginormous SUV.

I think…

Yo Bitch, do you not see the fucking signs? Can you not hear the clerk? Do you not know that Gas + Cell Phone = BOOM!! Fucktard!! 

But does she get off the phone even after the second announcement?

Why no…no, she doesn’t.

So, being the concerned citizen that I am, I yell…

“Hey Dumbfuck, are you that stupid? Turn your God Damn phone off. What? Are you trying to blow us all up?”

You’re probably thinking…this chick is polite and caring? Why hasn’t she had the hell beat out of her by now? You know why?

I’m doing the Lord’s work.

Ha. Actually it’s because I have been damn lucky. I run into this shit everywhere, and I am sure you do too. 

Are people really this stupid or are they just oblivious to everyone, but themselves? Sadly, I am thinking the latter.

So kids…be polite and caring in your everyday dealings with people. Until it’s time not to.

I feel better now, and…I think I might be getting better at this gig, or not.

See you tomorrow, you pretty people, you.

Zooooves!!

9 comments:

Jay said...

Normally when I'm faced with that situation in a grocery store, I just stand there and stare at them until my naturally intimidating presence causes them to apologize and move out of my way. At that point I just give them "Let's remember what happened here and not let it happen again" look.

Beth said...

Jay:Ha! Yea, I've tried that before, along with an irritated sigh. Guess I'm not very intimidating!

Joker_SATX said...

I believe you are kind and caring. I would have taken that cell phone from that chic and thrown it half way across the street!

Matt-Man said...

You are doing a wonderful job pouring the Bagwine Schmoop. I never realized how easily I could be replaced. It's kinda hot. Cheers and Zooooves!!

Beth said...

Joker: Don't think I didn't want to!

Matt: Thanks, I'm trying. You have not been replaced, I could never do that;)

Anonymous said...

You can't blow up a gas pump with a cell phone (unless you call a IED with it) Its one of those "urban legend" things...

Beth said...

Anon: Well aren't you just so smart! Thanks for the tip!

MysteryChick said...

It would have been really caring if you had shoved the cell phone into her gashole!

Sadly, it's become an I-don't-give-a-shit-about-anyone-but-myself world!

Beth said...

Chick: That was next on my agenda! You are right though, no one thinks of anybody else.