Even If It's Not Free, It's For Me

Why do people feel like they are entitled to something, anything, everything?

Case and point…  

I’m at the grocery on Saturday with my brother Dave.  He’s pushing the cart, and as he is old, could not keep up with my 45 year old svelte, young self.  Ha!

I’m going into the produce section for lettuce, and green onions.  Don’t ask.  There I came upon a woman and her daughter at the grapes.  

They’ve opened a bag, and proceeded to eat them.   Not tasting to see if they were sweet enough, just…plain…eating them.

My Mother, God rest her soul, would taste one, much to my embarrassment, and buy them if they were up to her standards.  Buy being the operative word.  

This woman didn’t buy a fucking grape; she just munched them like it was her motherfucking right!  Who does this shit?

And then...

I was told a story Saturday by the lovely, talented woman who runs the U-Scan at my local Kroger.  I heart her.

A man who comes in regularly, decides that the salad bar is a free for all.  

This dude is not putting fixings into a plastic container to pay for like he’s supposed to.  Oh no, he is fucking eating right off the salad bar!

The produce manager comes out, and says, “You can’t do that."  

This dude says, and I quote from the lovely, talented woman...

“Why not, you young whippersnapper?  I’ll kick your fucking ass.”

Really?  WTF!

Why do some people think they are entitled to do whatever they want?

I was very vocal about the grape woman.  She paid no mind, of course.

What the hell is wrong with people?  Am I just noticing this shit as I get older?  Has this been going on all along, and I didn’t care?

More than likely, but still I say, what the ever loving fuck!

Thank God I wasn’t at Walmart.  The smell alone keeps me away from that place.

Zooooves!!

Let's All Go To The Grocery, and See What's Good To Eat

Thank you all for your kinds words on yesterday’s post. I really don’t know what triggered that memory, but there you go. You’re welcome. ; )

Now, in keeping with the tradition of Bagwine Ruminations, I need to do something with no redeeming social value whatsoever. Actually, it probably won’t even make sense.

Are you in? Good!!

Say we’re in the same grocery store, and say…I happen to be one of those nosemary types (shut up, Matt!!); what would I find in your grocery cart?

In mine, nearly every week, you will find the following…

Frozen pizzas, frozen hamburgers or chicken patties, frozen fries (I’m sensing a theme), lunch meat, bread, cheese, and gum.

There are also times when you would find ice cream, cookies, and donuts. Don’t judge. Don’t judge. 

After all, I have been known to buy lettuce and tomatoes on occasion in order to balance everything out.

Y’know?

One of my all-time fave TV show quotes, and I have many, is:

“The way I see it…Unless we conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, how can we ever hope to be free?”

--Maj. Frank Burns (M*A*S*H)

Speaking of TV, hey all you Seinfeld fans out there…

Tell me that a day doesn’t go by that something happens to you that doesn’t remind you of a Seinfeld episode. Holy Fuck, every damn day in my world it happens.

I told you that this post would make no sense. It’s like a stream of consciousness without the cohesiveness. What? Huh? Anyway…

Before I get too weird (again, shut up, Matt) I give you this picture because I like it…

Okay my pretties…Have a great weekend, and do me a favor if you would.

Please go visit the new I’m With Stupid website put together by my two favorite morons, Jay and Matt-Man. They need your help to get it going, because seriously…

Even with the picture of that dim witted bimbo in between them, their numbers as far as hits and reads, lag wayyyyy behind those of yours truly.

You can visit their new site by clicking HERE.

Zoooooves!!

Tough Love for Dummies

I am a very polite and caring person. Shut up fuckers, I am!! Really!! Well…okay…

I am very polite and caring until someone gives me a reason not to be, um…polite and caring.

Stay with me folks, and allow me to ‘splain, OK?

Say I am cruising down Aisle 3 at the grocery, looking for that ever elusive sale on French Onion soup and some jerk is parked in the middle of the aisle staring at the gay, latest craze, low sodium, no taste soup.

I say…

Excuse me sir/ma'am.” and I get ignored..

I can’t get around them, so I say again…

“Excuse Me!!”

This time I am heard. Oh Praise the Baby Jeebus!!

Okay wait…I guess I wasn’t actually heard in the mental processing sense, it merely elicited a head turn, a glare, and then a 180 back to looking at the cans of low sodium, pussy soup. I ask myself…What Would Jesus Do?

Personally, I don’t fucking care. I shove their damn cart out of the way. See how where I was polite and then I wasn’t? Onward…

Let’s now go get some fuel for the Bagwine Mobile.

I’m at the gas station filling up ye old tank (‘cause Mahone won’t fucking do it for me, the bastard) when what do I hear over the speaker?

“Please turn off your cell phone prior to pumping gas.”

I don’t have a cell phone (product of the Devil, I tell ya.), so I look to my right and there is a woman talking on her phone with the pump stuck up the gasshole of her ginormous SUV.

I think…

Yo Bitch, do you not see the fucking signs? Can you not hear the clerk? Do you not know that Gas + Cell Phone = BOOM!! Fucktard!! 

But does she get off the phone even after the second announcement?

Why no…no, she doesn’t.

So, being the concerned citizen that I am, I yell…

“Hey Dumbfuck, are you that stupid? Turn your God Damn phone off. What? Are you trying to blow us all up?”

You’re probably thinking…this chick is polite and caring? Why hasn’t she had the hell beat out of her by now? You know why?

I’m doing the Lord’s work.

Ha. Actually it’s because I have been damn lucky. I run into this shit everywhere, and I am sure you do too. 

Are people really this stupid or are they just oblivious to everyone, but themselves? Sadly, I am thinking the latter.

So kids…be polite and caring in your everyday dealings with people. Until it’s time not to.

I feel better now, and…I think I might be getting better at this gig, or not.

See you tomorrow, you pretty people, you.

Zooooves!!

Store Security...Report to the Soup Aisle at Once!!

Greetings from Schmoop and Dave.

This week, we’re combining his, Dig It, With David and my, Dispatches from my Ass segments.

I guess we’ll call it, Dig It From My Ass, David. Ha!!

We’re going to take you to the Grocery Store with us. Won’t this be a fun ride?

My brother Dave and I go to the grocery store (either Wal-Mart or Kroger’s) every two weeks or so, and we find all kinds of mischief to get into!

My brother is nice to everyone, believe it or not, and I just want to get OUT! He talks to the Wal-Mart greeter, while I grunt.

I’m just glad everyone at our neighborhood Kroger store knows us now. They used to think we were husband and wife.

Ewww! Hello! Not brother husband /sister wife. This is Ohio, not West “By God” Virginia.

As we go up and down the isles at either store, we have been known to yell at each other from three to six aisles over, asking where such and such is.

Dave smells every fucking thing in the place, and I do mean everything.

He shakes the cottage cheese (might not be enough whey you know), and chip containers, (a few might be broken) Oh the Humanity!!

He opens the frozen pot pie, and TV dinner boxes to see if they are in aluminum tins. I remind him every time, that they haven’t done that since the Carter administration.

No matter. I guess he has hope.

He wanders aimlessly…I, with purpose.

I cuss out people who stare at the soup cans for HOURS, while standing in the middle of the fucking aisle, and even when I say, “Excuse Me”, they look at me like I have five heads.

Ok, it’s in my head, but I give them really dirty looks, and sigh a lot. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it’s fucking soup!

I know…I know…you’re torn between Campbell’s or the Kroger brand, and trying to figure out what the fuck the word, “consommé” means has just rocked your pea brained world but please…

Buy it or don’t…But get the fuck out of my way!!

I can never get to the meat section, because someone is always STARING, and handling every fucking package.

It’s hamburger people…you know, minced cow?? It’s funny, because no one we see ever looks at produce that way. Just toss it into the cart! Idiots.

Of course, judging by the looks and smell of some of the burger gawkers and produce tossers, I don’t think any type of fruit or vegetable has passed their lips since the night that Ethel Merman guest starred on an episode of, The Love Boat.

We do have fun though. We make fun of people, look for stuff that we had in the 70’s, and I always, and I mean always, look for that elusive and ultimately never found, box of Frankenberry cereal.

Years ago, when Mom, and Dave’s dog Megan was still alive, Mom insisted she have Mighty Dog soft dog food. Fourteen cans mind you. Why fourteen? No clue.

We’d be standing in that isle picking out the food, and we’d simultaneously begin singing, 18 Wheels On A Big Rig, by Heywood Banks.

Nobody really stared until I said “let’s do PI!”

Oh, the adventures when Dave and I start out doing it all again this Thursday morning!! And, it will start out by both of us saying the following…

“I’m only getting what’s on the list.” Yeah baby, you keep thinking that. But…We’re a team dammit!!

And maybe, just maybe I’ll be the nice one this time, just for shits and giggles…

Nah!! Better yet, I’ll ride in the cart, Dave can push me, stop the cart in the middle of the aisle, and we’ll both stare at the soup!!

Zoves and Dig It,
Schmoop and Dave

Candidates for Prez Say the Darndest Things

Our Bagwine Ruminations hidden camera and microphone have picked up some interesting comments from both Barack Obama and John McCain. I am making these quotes public for the first time...

Barack Obama

"Did you all see that? No you fools; not the walking on water thing, I'm a brutha who can actually swim!!"

"Tell you what pretty boy...If you let me go in for an easy lay-up, you can consider your sweaty ass my Ambassador to Tahiti."

"It's good to be here in Berlin. I bet Jesse Owens didn't get this type of reception when he arrived here for the 1936 Olympics. Hahahahaha...Just kiddin'. Seriously though, a couple of hours ago when I was Blitzkriegin' Chancellor Merkel doggie-style..."

And now, Johnny Mac...

"Cindy give me some of your Vicodin; this Metamucil ain't workin' for shit!!"

"Step on it George or we won't make it to the Clubhouse in time for the Early Bird Special. I do love me some minute steaks!!"

"I remember when tomatoes were three cents a bushel. I do so love coming to the General Store. Does Ike Godsey still run the place? We graduated High School together...Class of 1909. I haven't seen Ike since our days in Europe when we were stickin' it to the Kaiser.

Hey little girl...See if you can find out which aisle they keep the sorghum and Moxie Soda."

Remember folks...Always assume that there is a microphone around, and it's on. Have a merry Monday.

Cheers!!