I have a feeling that my appliances are banding together in order to kill me in my sleep…
Much like my cat, and Matt on occasion.
Oh please, I can see it in his eyes. The way he ignores me when I talk, the way he says, “that’s fine dear” without moving his lips. Mmm Hmm.
The first appliance to give me grief was a toaster that my Uncle gave me years ago.
He always bought top of the line things, nothing cheap. He was highfalutin’ that way. Yes, that is a word.
Geez. When I brought it home, immediately one “leg” fell off. So to this day, I have a three-legged, quasi-palegic toaster.
Holy crap, see that picture? It leans more than Heather Mills!! Lovely.
Next? My coffee pot, which I have lovingly named, Darth Vader…
It makes a LOT of noise when brewing…raspy, bellowing, “Luke, I am your Father” noises. Sometimes, it won’t brew at all, except...all over the mother fucking counter!!
Well, it was only $10 at the Dollar Store…eight years ago. So perhaps, it has grounds to be a piece of shit. Ha!! Get it? Grounds!? Oh, I kill myself.
Well, tonight was the kicker on the appliance front.
I’ve been wanting a new vacuum cleaner like forever, but M-Man says the NINE YEAR OLD vacuum is JUST fine, no need to buy another one…do you vacuum, Mr. Butthole? Oh yeah, he does…so disregard.
Anyhoo, the fucking handle came loose, and dust, which I like to call Cat Funk, was blowing all over the place.
I managed to put it back together to finish, but I am SO buying a new one.
So now, I’m officially taking donations to buy the Dyson Ball! Ha! I said ball!! It’s only $400 plus. Too much???
Well, I want it dammit! After living with the Matt Man for nine years, I think I deserve a new, super dirt sucking vacuum…
And speaking of things that suck…
I also deserve a telethon for a woman who cannot get enough air due to someone’s EGO sucking all of the oxygen from this tiny, tiny apartment. Feel sorry yet? No? Damn.
What was this all about? Oh yeah, appliances. Well, Matt-Man is kind of like an appliance. In fact, you could call him my, B.O.B.
Bagwine Operated Boyfriend.
In fact, we are both off today and I plan on plugging in Matt-BOB in order to do some hot, “cleaning” on me today.And let me tell you guys…
If Matt-BOB can’t perform the way he is supposed to, he’s going to be put in the trash along with the damn vaccum.
Thank you for allowing me to send you yet another, Dispatch from my Ass.
Zoves,
Schmoop
