No I'm Not Retarded...I'm Just Unlucky

Strange accidents only seem to happen to me.

You know..?

There are people that have no clue what goes on around them, or in my case, people that don’t pay attention to what goes on around them. Same diff.

You may have heard about my recent incident with an empty sugar jar. No? Well, let me tell you all about it.

Friday afternoon, Matt-Man went to work at 1:00, so I decided instead of taking a nap, which would have been the smart thing to do, I cleaned the digs. No biggie, I do it every Friday.

I was perfectly fine, until I decided to put some plates away on the top shelf of a cabinet. My cabinets are full, really full, and also, I’m obviously shrinking.

(Ed. Note: And what rhymes with “shrinking?”…Drinking!!)

So I get the plates in, but I must move the empty sugar jar just a tad. What is a tad you may ask?

Enough to send that fucker tumbling out of the cabinet straight into my face! Bled like a bitch. Nice bruise too.

At least it didn’t hit the floor, and shatter glass everywhere. I’m thankful for that.

One “accident” I had when I was living with the asshole that shall remain anonymous, for now…

I was going down into the basement to do laundry. Isn’t that what all good girlfriends do? No? Huh, I’m a moron.

Anyhoo…I have socks on, the steps are carpeted (foreshadowing), and what do I step on? A dryer sheet. Do the math. Yes I slid on that bitch.  

Luckily, it was next to the bottom, so I only landed on my ass. The good news is I didn’t spill any laundry.

The hematoma was exquisite. Not a bruise my pretty people, a hematoma Whole butt cheek, and black. Completely black. Couldn’t sit for two days.

I think however, I am most famous for the car accident that I had with my most beeeeuuutiiifull purple Neon.

This one was not, I repeat not my fault. No really. I’ve got papers, and everything.

I was so proud of that car. Bought it on my own six months prior to…it’s demise.

Anyhow, I’m going home for lunch one day, and at the corner there are stop signs, to my left, and to my right. I was going straight.

Thank the good Lord I was only going like fifteen miles per hour. Out of nowhere this huge truck, coming from the left, decides to disregard the STOP sign.

I slam the brakes. Two feet on the brakes, to no avail. I hit that truck in it’s huge ass front tire. No damage to the truck of course, but my airbags went off (thank God again), and I did have my seatbelt on. The car was toast.

So what do I do, in my infinite wisdom?

I shake my head clear (relative term), unbuckle, jump out, and go fucking bat shit crazy on that ass.

“This car is only six months old, God Dammit”.

Cops are called, an ambulance arrived, yada, yada.

I was none this worse for wear. Just a huge goose egg on my head, a bruised knee, and a jammed finger from being slammed into the side window from the airbag.

I did scare the cop, and the ambulance driver though, because I refused to go the hospital.

I actually started feeling sorry for this guy. He had to be every bit of sixty five, and he was freaking out!

But wait, the bonus? 

It was a truck that cleans out porta potties. I’ll just let you think about that for a moment. Done? Ok.

My beeeeuuuutiful six month old car, not to mention that I could have been killed because some moron ran a STOP sign, was completely totaled by a truck that cleans up SHIT.

I still feel bad that I probably traumatized the dude, but shit.

Literally.

What you got?

Zoooooves!!

Riches Aren't Always at the End of a Rainbow; Sometimes They're Staring You in the Face

Yesterday was a nice day…a good day…a simple kind of day that made, and always makes me smile.

I woke up around 7:30, walked into the living room and there to greet me was my BFF/OSP Schmoop, with a smile and a good morning.

We watched and made fun of FOX News for a few minutes and then chatted for awhile.

After putting up a couple of simple things on my website and Facebook, I called my son.

I asked him if he followed through with my strict orders to do something for his mom for Mother’s Day, and he responded:

“Dad…You know I told you I would write her a poem, and I did. I also bought her a bracelet.”

I asked…

“Sweeeeeet. Did she cry?”

Ryno said:

“She cried while she read the poem and then bawled afterwards when I gave her the bracelet.”

Here’s the thing people, and here is yet another example and proof that Ryno is my son.

The clever little shit texted the poem so it would be the first thing she saw in the morning, and her, thinking that that was it for Mother’s Day, only then did he present her with a mother/son bracelet, and she wailed in joy.

Yes, my friends…My boy has the gift of smoothness and charm, and…I told him to, unlike me, use it only for good.

After the phone call, I went to work at the Beer Mine. The day started off cloudy and slow at work and then Pizza Bill and his lovely wife showed up for non-work related reasons and we hung out for awhile.

We laughed, chuckled, generally made fun of others, and Bill's wife and I made fun of Bill, or as he shall from here on out, be known as, Sean or Shawn...it all works.

Not too long after they departed, my son Ryno and his mom showed up to collect their weekly bounty. 

As typical and quite nicely I might add, they brought a couple of McDonald’s Double Cheeseburgers for me as well.

In between customers, the three of us laughed, shot the shit, and his mom showed me the incredibly cute bracelet that our son had gotten her.

After about 20 minutes, they departed in order to go be with her family for a Mother’s Day gathering. It was nice.

Shortly afterwards, an old girlfriend of mine whom I dated for some five years some twenty plus years ago, came through with her two, twenty something daughters.

We chuckled for a few minutes, the old flame gave me shit for not giving her a discount and then ultimately I asked her...

“So which one of your daughters is mine?”

Hilarity ensued…and then they left to go to the movies. And yeah, it was nice seeing her and her daughters.

On top of that, everyone who came through the Beer Mine was pleasant and in a good mood. I like that.

You see, I don’t ask for much…If the majority of folks in this world are happy and being pleasant to others, that’s all I need.

And yesterday, that’s exactly what I got…oh, and pre-work sex from Schmoop, I got that as well. Maybe that’s why I started the day off in a good mood and remained that way all damn day.

Yeah…I think that may have had something to do with it, but really…that was merely icing on the cake…or pie as it were.

All of the things and all of the people I mentioned are always around me; sometimes I and probably you as well, forget about those things...and those people.

We really shouldn't.  The world is a better place and so are we, because of them.

Cheers!!