Love Stinks

If you were expecting “Dig It With David” today, sorry ‘bout your luck.

Two weeks into the job, and the motherfucker had to go on hiatus. Jeebus Christ, he’s such a Mary.

Anyhoo, I am filling in for Dave and I am pissed.

Yeah, that’s right…

In spite of my vow to be warm and caring all Summer, I am more pissed off than a guy who just chugged three 40 ounce bottles of King Cobra Malt Liquor.

And trust me, I know all too well, the experience of pissin’ all over my pants from drinking too much Snake in a Bottle.

Anyhoo…I announced my Matt-Man Summer of Love the other day, and let me tell you…

You guys blow!! You don’t want me to be nice and cuddly. What the fuck is wrong with you bastards?

Oh no, we want Matt-Man to be abrasive and irritating. How dare him want to love his fellow man and woman, you ask?

Yeah, whatever…Blow Me. Well, dig this, Bitches…

I am still gonna have the Summer of Love, but it’s going to be about nothing but sex. I am going to get laid and have free love all Summer.

But what about Schmoop, you ask? I will be courteous about it.

Just as John Edwards only started his affair when his wife, Elizabeth, was in remission from cancer…

I will only have sex with others when Schmoop is either pre-menstrual or actually ragging.

That should give me 5 20 days a month in which to hose all of you sexy babes. Pull down my pants and break out the Coppertone, it’s the Summer of Matt-Man!!

Okay with that announcement out of the way, I have a political diatribe to make.

There is a big furor (I love that word) going on over possibly bringing enemy MUSLIM combatants from Gitmo to prisons here in the States.

Big Fucking Deal…

Have you ever worked, been associated with, or done time in prison? I have.

Worked there, not done time in one, ya see...

I represented prison workers (doctors, nurses, psych assts., social workers, etc) for 5 years, when I worked for SEIU. I have been in every adult and youth correctional facility in Ohio.

Trust me…Closing Gitmo and shipping these fuckers here is no big deal. In fact, if you care about the terrorists, you would cry because they would probably be safer at Gitmo.

Most reps and Senators are crying crocodile tears saying, “My folks do not want terrorists in their backyard!! They don’t want them on American soil.”

Ha. Fuck that. Nice sound bite Senator…But you know not what you talk about. Those terrorists, if let loose into a general prison population would be killed quicker than a guy with a child molester tag on his rap.

So there you have it. I am having sex all summer, and terrorists should be in America prisons.

Is that a good enough nugget of knowledge to do away with my cuddly, “all love” attitude? If it’s not? Blow Me!!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend.

Cheers!!

The Matt-Man Summer of Love

I have been talking this week about Memorial Day weekend and the unofficial start to the summer season which kicks off this weekend.

In the course of Monday and Tuesday’s dissertations, I did some whining…some complaining.

Well folks, I am done with that.

I am looking forward to the summer of ’09. In fact the summer of 2009 is going to be known as, The Matt-Man Summer of Love.

I’ve got my summer shirt on and switched from Red to Wild Fruit Rose with Ginseng. Yeah, Baby!!

You see, a few things have happened to me recently that have affected me in a profound and life altering way.

Allow me to ’splain.

A few days ago, Schmoop got the mail, and there among the bills, coupons, and my long anticipated Enzyte sample, was a large manila envelope.

It was a package sent to me from my buddy…that uber-adorable and sexy scientist, Desert Rat.

She sent me a cute post card that denotes the dry Arizona heat in which she lives, along with a note AND…

A satirical magazine about Truckee, CA. that is disgusting, funny, and offensive in a campy kinda way. It made me smile. I didn’t know it was coming.

The caustic witted Rat had come across the mag, thought of me, and took the time to send it. That is nice. I dig that.

But I have another heart warming anecdote for you…The other day at work, a guy who I have never really cared for that much, came through.

He did something quite kind. No, not a blow job, you pervs…he saw that I undercharged him by a dollar and he let me know. Nice…and I thanked him.

Well, shortly afterward, a guy whom I do like, came through with his adorable daughter who is probably seven or eight.

He wanted a 12 pack of Bud Light and asked if he could get a sucker for his daughter (we hand out little suckers).

She looked at me with a most precious look. Not a smile. Not sadness. I couldn’t really define it. She just looked so damn cute.

I thought to myself…well, since the one guy saved me a dollar why don’t I use one of my own that he saved me and buy the girl a Hershey's Bar?

So I did. And her face lit up when I brought it to her along with the sucker and her dad’s change.

The dad came through alone Tuesday, and said to me, “That was really nice of you. My daughter told me that we should ask for a sucker every time. Ha.”

So there you have it. My life has changed. This is going to be The Matt-Man Summer of Love. I am going to be completely civil and caring throughout the warm days ahead.

No more rude sarcasm on here. No more hate filled rants. No more jokes about retards. I am all about the love.

And if you’d like to see just how much…Drop me a line, and we can set a time and place in which to share my love.

I will try my best to love you all and more importantly, go the entire summer without being abrasive and crude. I think I can do it, do you?

Cheers!!