I Haiti Earthquakes, But I'm Here To Rock Your World

Hiya kids…

I am so burnt out…I was thinking that I need something with which to put a flame into my brain.

See? That’s rhymes…well, almost.

Anyhoo…

I am off all day today and I’ll be doing Schmoop’s taxes and possibly doing David’s as well, so I’ll be in front of the computer all fricking day.

So…

Today, I am opening up the blog lines in hopes of educating all of you folks as to what constitutes good Bagwine and Good Sex.

As far as today goes, consider me your free “Life Coach”.

I understand that Life Coaches are expensive, so I am once again giving of myself and helping the masses out.

Consider me the Haitian Relief Fund for your soul and your being, so aftershock me with some good questions.

I promise not to let you down…of course, that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. So, let me have your questions and/or abuse...

Cheers!!

The First Day of Autumn: Colorful Leaves And Gray In The Beard

Today is the first day of autumn.

September 22nd…a day of transition and equilibrium, a day which heralds the slow decline of yet another seasonal cycle.

Much like a March snowfall melting off of the nascent bud of a crocus signals the rebirth of the landscape, the yellow, orange, and umber leaves of September portend the impending slumber of the lush and fertile earth.

Being 44, I too, am in the autumn of my years.

Who am I kidding? As I don’t truly expect to live to be 88 years old, I passed my biological equator a few years ago and in Icarus-like fashion am quickly descending towards my own, personal Tropic of Capricorn.

But, I think you know what I mean.

This past Saturday I thought about getting older…about crossing the midway point of my life, and my thoughts relate to the autumnal equinox.

Saturday afternoon I was talking to Schmoop, as I stood in the kitchen. The calendar caught my eye because I saw something printed on September 22nd.

I looked at it, and read to myself what I thought it said…

First Day of Autism.

WTF? I thought to myself. It was at that point I took off my glasses, got three inches from the calendar, and then said…

“Ohhhh, first day of AUTUMN. Well, that makes sense.” I laughed, and then was a bit annoyed.

I don’t mind getting older at all. I am much better person than I was ten years ago.

I am in much better shape than I was three or four years ago, and much like the sun shining down at zero degrees latitude, I have a sense of personal equilibrium about me.

But…

There are things about getting older that drive me nuts. My teeth for one. I wish they would simply ALL fall out so I can get a nice set of artificial chompers.

My eyes…My vision is 20/775 and on top of that, as demonstrated by my calendar incident I need bifocals.

Hell, I can’t wear my contacts to work, because the only way I would be able to check an ID is if my arms were forty feet long. With my glasses, I can take them off and check ID's…3 inches from my face.

I miss being able to party all night AND having sex. As it is now, I have to choose between the two. Too much drinkie means not much nookie, because after too much drinkie, there is no dinkie.

As George Costanza would say, “It’s like a frightened turtle.”

On the other hand, I don’t mind having very little hair on my head. It saves time getting ready.

I like the gray in my goatee too. Schmoop digs it as well, as does my new Beer Mine “girl” friend, Tiffany (any comment on that one, Pizza Bill?).

Anyhoo…I guess getting older is like fall…like autumn. This time of year is a harbinger of cold, gray, and lifeless times to come, but…

Autumn is also full of beautiful colors, festivals, and clean crisp days. Winter will come whether I fret about it or not.

I guess my best course of action is to accept the coming winter and in the meantime, enjoy the kaleidoscope of foliage, devour the culinary aroma of an Oktoberfest, and bask in the glow of a well-carved Jack-O-Lantern.

Autumn is good.

Cheers!!

Love Stinks

If you were expecting “Dig It With David” today, sorry ‘bout your luck.

Two weeks into the job, and the motherfucker had to go on hiatus. Jeebus Christ, he’s such a Mary.

Anyhoo, I am filling in for Dave and I am pissed.

Yeah, that’s right…

In spite of my vow to be warm and caring all Summer, I am more pissed off than a guy who just chugged three 40 ounce bottles of King Cobra Malt Liquor.

And trust me, I know all too well, the experience of pissin’ all over my pants from drinking too much Snake in a Bottle.

Anyhoo…I announced my Matt-Man Summer of Love the other day, and let me tell you…

You guys blow!! You don’t want me to be nice and cuddly. What the fuck is wrong with you bastards?

Oh no, we want Matt-Man to be abrasive and irritating. How dare him want to love his fellow man and woman, you ask?

Yeah, whatever…Blow Me. Well, dig this, Bitches…

I am still gonna have the Summer of Love, but it’s going to be about nothing but sex. I am going to get laid and have free love all Summer.

But what about Schmoop, you ask? I will be courteous about it.

Just as John Edwards only started his affair when his wife, Elizabeth, was in remission from cancer…

I will only have sex with others when Schmoop is either pre-menstrual or actually ragging.

That should give me 5 20 days a month in which to hose all of you sexy babes. Pull down my pants and break out the Coppertone, it’s the Summer of Matt-Man!!

Okay with that announcement out of the way, I have a political diatribe to make.

There is a big furor (I love that word) going on over possibly bringing enemy MUSLIM combatants from Gitmo to prisons here in the States.

Big Fucking Deal…

Have you ever worked, been associated with, or done time in prison? I have.

Worked there, not done time in one, ya see...

I represented prison workers (doctors, nurses, psych assts., social workers, etc) for 5 years, when I worked for SEIU. I have been in every adult and youth correctional facility in Ohio.

Trust me…Closing Gitmo and shipping these fuckers here is no big deal. In fact, if you care about the terrorists, you would cry because they would probably be safer at Gitmo.

Most reps and Senators are crying crocodile tears saying, “My folks do not want terrorists in their backyard!! They don’t want them on American soil.”

Ha. Fuck that. Nice sound bite Senator…But you know not what you talk about. Those terrorists, if let loose into a general prison population would be killed quicker than a guy with a child molester tag on his rap.

So there you have it. I am having sex all summer, and terrorists should be in America prisons.

Is that a good enough nugget of knowledge to do away with my cuddly, “all love” attitude? If it’s not? Blow Me!!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend.

Cheers!!

Blitzkrieg Benny and the Bagwine Easter Tree

Twelve days to go until Jeebus resurrects hizzelf.

As you can see, I have the Bagwine Holiday Tree decorated for the festive, life renewing event.

A video on that later.

However, while I looove the Baby Jeebus…His self-proclaimed mouthpiece, Pope Benedict XVI, has pissed me off once again.

Yep, Blitzkrieg Benny during his recent tour of Africa, said that condom use is evil. “No Condoms, Dammit!!”, he said.

Okay he didn’t say, “Dammit.”, but he said that they shouldn’t be used.

He says that condoms will cause more problems than they will help to prevent the spread of AIDS.

Benny, just because you were lecturing while touring the Dark Continent doesn’t mean you have to remain in the Dark Ages.

I know…God doesn’t want the gift of sperm-driven life wasted merely on the pleasures of sexual gratification, but…

What the hell? Should we take you and your Priests lead on how to practice birth control?

And no, I’m not talking about celibacy.

I’m talking about boinking 12-16 year old boys. I mean, yeah, that’s an effective method of not getting anyone pregnant, but c’mon!!

Sure, a good Priest can help to inject a person with the Holy Spirit, but damn…

Does he have to initiate a religious schism between a young boy’s ass cheeks to do it?

And another thing…Why can’t women be Priests?

Y’know…If you Joan of Arc, Mary Magdalene, or even the Virgin Mother herself were alive today, they would not be permitted to be Priests?

And as I said, still today, the Catholic Church is speaking out against responsible, safe sex and birth control practices.

The Catholic Church, and the current Nicene Nazi are just not getting it.

The hierarchy of that Church blows, and that is why I haven't considered myself a Catholic since Notre Dame won the National Championship in football back in 1988.

In fact, I think all organized churches blow. Jeebus never needed a church. He just needed a crowd with whom to discuss peace, love, and understanding.

And that my friends, is how it should be. And how I wish it was today.

And now…A short video of the Bagwine Easter Tree.

Enjoy, Bitches!!

Cheers!!

Ask the Matt-Man!!

As promised yesterday, today is, Ask the Matt-Man Day!!

That’s right…ask me anything in the comments section and I will respond as quickly as possible.

Other than catching a few Zzzzs after this posts, and being in and out of the digs between 2:30 P.M. and 4:40 P.M., I will be sitting in front of my computer all day answering your queries.

The topic and focus of your questions are completely up to you. I am an open book; this is your chance to finger through my pages.

So finger me bitches; finger me.

Ask me as many questions as you’d like, but please, one question at a time. I will, after all, be drinking today.

Your question(s) can be about my take on religion, politics, sex, my life, foreign policy, midgets, etc. A humorous question or a serious one…In a word, anything.

Why am I doing this, you ask? Because, I am selfless.

I know that many of you have just been dying to get inside my head. But I caution you…

There are folks throughout my life that have gotten inside my head and they have become forever trapped.

Tread carefully.

One other thing…

My new buddy, Carl over in Sweden, asked if I would plug his FactualTV website on my blog. I don’t normally do these quasi mass comment appeals, but in this case I will.

So, if you’d like to have access to thousands of media clips at your disposal click HERE, and check out FactualTV. It’s a little slow to come up, but give it a look if you’d like.

Now, with that out of the way…Let the interrogation of the Matt-Man begin.

Have fun or be serious with it. After all, you are the ones who make Bagwine Ruminations an interesting place to be.

Cheers!!