I will once a month, decode the backwash of a bottle of various potables to render your monthly fortune; be it good or bad.
The potable that I read for you, depends on your sign, because each sign has a ruling Bagwine or one of its ugly cousins, such as a cheap Malt Liquor.
On this initial installment, you will not only get your Whore-O-Scope for the last half of August, you will also see what your ruling beverage is. Enjoy!!
Aries
March 21 -April 19
Your ruling drink is Thunderbird. A tongue discoloring wine with 17.5% alcohol, you get the New Year of the Zodiac, and life itself, kicked off with a battering and a hurl.
The soothing inner voices of your conscience become increasingly annoying when they start quoting lines from the movie, Titanic, in the voice of Stephen Hawking...I-i-i-i am-mmm Kin-in-in-ing of da Wor-or-orld-orld.
Taurus
April 20 -May 20
Your ruling drink is JOOSE. Full of Taurine, Caffeine, and 9.9% alcohol. You are a bull full of drunken energy. Much like JOOSE itself, you have an unpleasant smell.
Your family has a major problem that you refuse to deal with. The days of ignoring this 800 pound Gorilla in the room come to an end when the Gorilla kills you, rapes your spouse, and eats your kids.
Gemini
May 21 -June 20
Your ruling drink is Night Train Express. A “special” ingredient combined with 17.5% alcohol makes you a twin blend of frivolity and memory loss.
Although you will lose your car keys, you will find them in the FIRST place that you look, which is unfortunate because it will lead to a charge of drunk driving.
Cancer
June 21 -July 22
Your ruling drink is Sterno. While the alcohol content effect is unknown, drinking “Canned Heat” can often lead to death, much like your sign’s namesake.
You will win a lottery prize of 87.5 Million dollars, unfortunately the pay out will be in the form of pennies, nickels, and dimes.
Leo
July 23 -August 22
Your ruling drink is Hurricane High Gravity produced by Anheuser-Busch. At 8.1% alcohol, you can still remain coherent enough to lead the pride, while still roaring proudly…and obnoxiously.
After trying 16 brand new light bulbs in the living room lamp without success, you will finally realize that the problem lies within the lamp itself.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
Your ruling drink is Boone’s Farm. With types at 7.5% alcohol or less, you are a pussy, but hardly virginal. On the upside, the marginal alcohol content assures that you won’t sleep with the incredibly ugly people that other signs will.
Your intentions were good, but giving a Snickers Bar to the homeless guy with a peanut allergy will result in scandal and massive legal fees.
Libra
September 23 -October 22
Your ruling drink is Mogen-David (Mad Dog) 20/20. With flavors averaging 13%, you are justifiably at the middle of the scale. Combining MD 20/20 with your sense of compassion, leads you to have sex with anyone who is even slightly unhappy.
Lather, rinse, repeat, and meticulously blow dry…for you will surely have sex with John Edwards.
Scorpio
October 23 -November 21
Your ruling drink is Cisco. Distributed by the same folks as Wild Irish Rose, and with identical 18% alcohol, you give and receive painful verbal stings. You and the Aquarian (see below) are not a good social mix.
Calling a spade a spade is fine, but you shouldn’t have done it to Al Sharpton.
Sagittarius
November 22 -December 21
Your ruling drink is Steel Reserve 211. A malt liquor with 8.1% alcohol, this medieval beverage helps your to hone your skills as the archer. Your thoughts always hit the bull’s-eye when drinking this…at least in your mind.
Upon reaching ultimate self-awareness, you realize that people around you are correct; you are indeed, a complete asshole.
Capricorn
December 22 -January 19
Your ruling drink is well…anything. You are after all, some type of goat. Rude, stubborn, and personally boorish, you’ll drink anything put in front of you, provided you don’t have to pay for it.
You will discover that calling the waitress at Denny’s, “a stupid bitch” does in fact lead to food poisoning.
Aquarius
January 20 -February 18
Your ruling drink is Wild Irish Rose. People admire your sarcasm and love your introspection. And at 18% alcohol, you are more than happy to love them back (except Scorpios)…provided you don’t pass out first.
You have mixed emotions when you find out that the growth on your chest is not cancerous, but rather, a benign growth resembling the face and head of Carrot-Top.
Pisces
February 19 -March 20
Your ruling drink is King Cobra Malt Liquor. This “Snake in a Bottle” is only 6% alcohol, but what you lack in punch you make up for in volume, because you drink like a fish.
Dick Cheney shows up at your house wearing a black evening gown and hi-heels. Your guilt overwhelms you when you find yourself highly aroused.
I hope that my Bagstrological findings help you out through the last half of this month.
Have a great day, and as always...
Cheers!!
