Schmoop Says: It's Wedding Season, So Be a Friend, and Hunt Down Anyone Thinking of Getting Married!!

Unless you (like many people in Bagwine) have been shit-faced since Memorial Day Weekend, you know that we are three days into the month of June. 

And besides schools letting out, D-Day (that’s another post), and Flag Day, what else does June bring with it?

That’s right, you pretty people. The 2011 Wedding Season!! Oh…Dear…God!!

Who in their right mind would want to get married? I think marriage is stupid with a capital “M”. What? Anyhoo. Here’s why…

Point #1: You have to pay for it. Weddings are ungodly costly both monetarily, and costly emotionally due to spending time with friends and family you don’t really like to begin with.

Point #2: If you love one another, why is a piece of paper important? That temptation of a binding legal agreement is like telling someone you love: “Go ahead, I dare you!!” 

Why would anyone scare and dare someone they love into submission?

Point #3: Joint Banking Accounts. Oh I don’t fucking think so…

Point #4: Even without the joint banking accounts, one or both will be paying for it the rest of their lives. I watch Mahone pay reparations every week. Half in money, Half in guilt. (Hey!! That was pretty good, Hee!!)

Y’know…

Far too often, married people seem to become one entity. Suddenly, one can’t do anything without the other. Things that were brushed aside and didn’t matter, suddenly seem to matter to the nth degree.

When single, or even living together, many couples seem to still be able to be individuals, with their own identities intact. 

Once that paper gets signed, filed, and laid upon the court records, minds get skewed and people get screwed.

And now, on a shinier note…

Jayman and Matt-Man will be doing another installment of I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT. And guess what they will be discussing, boys and girls? Uh-Huh…

Weddings and Marriage!!

I guess they are going to compare and contrast the benefits of being single, marrying, or merely shacking up.

I’m sure they will make fun of marriage in their own...

(Damn, my ass still looks fine--->)

juvenile, yet endearing way.

I hear that Jayman has secured a new marriage-related sponsor for the show, and Matt-Man will be talking about all the omens and portents that he missed, or more likely ignored, before being betrothed some 24 years ago.

All of that and your phone calls at 661.244.9852 on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, this Saturday night at 6:30 PM EDT.

You can access the I’m With Stupid Radio page by clicking HERE.

Have an I DO free weekend, pretty people.

Zoooooooves!!

Keith Bardwell, Beth Humphrey, and Terence McKay: A Perverted Love Triangle

Good Morning folks…I have finally shaken my typical Thursday Day-Off of Partying hangover and am ready to pour the daily glass of Bagwine for you.

I don’t know if you know this, but today is October 16, 2009. Yes indeed bitches, all across America it is October 16, 2009.

Well, it is if you live anywhere other than in Tangipahoa Parish, Louisiana.

You see in Tangipahoa Parish, Louisiana it seems that Mr. Peabody and Sherman must have taken their Wayback Machine there, had a mechanical breakdown, and the residents of that parish are stuck living in October 16, 1952.

In case you didn’t know, Beth Humphrey and Terence McKay of Hammond, LA., went to see Justice of the Peace, Keith Bardwell in order to obtain a marriage license.

It turns out that justice is hardly blind, in fact in Bardwell’s case, it sees quite clearly and in 1950’s cutting edge Technicolor technology as well.

Keith Bardwell refused to issue the marriage license to Beth Humphrey and Terence McKay because, well…Humphrey is white and McKay is black.

No…I’m not kidding, but I too thought when I saw this story yesterday I was reading it wrong because of an incredibly high blood alcohol concentration, or that perhaps it was an article that originally appeared in The Onion.

Bardwell refused to issue the license because he says that interracial marriages nearly always result in divorce…offspring of theses unions are not accepted by society…and while he claims to not be a racist, he goes on to say:

“I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way.” Bardwell further defended his claim of not being a racist by stating:

"I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom.”

How sweet…how touching, indeed…how human of him.

I am not some Pollyannaish dullard who thinks idiotic, long-held beliefs aren’t still alive and well among the many diverse cultures that populate this great nation, but for the love of Amos ’n’ Andy, I didn’t think an asshole like Bardwell would, in 2009, be free to act on upon those beliefs while in public office.

This wasn’t the first time that Bardwell has done this, and yet only now is his perversion of law and decency coming to light. Unbelievable.

I hope this guy is immediately relieved of his duties, and if he isn’t, our shame should be as great as Bardwell’s.

I may travel down to Tangipahoa Parish, and help Mr. Peabody and Sherman fix their Wayback Machine and bring Hammond, LA. into the 21st Century.

In the meantime, since it’s still 1952 down there, I say we dispense some 1950’s Southern justice onto Bardwell’s ignorant ass.

We can stand him outside of the courthouse and after we kick the shit out of him, we’ll clean up his blood, bruises and humiliation with a half dozen high pressure fire hoses.

I know...It won't change his beliefs, but it would make me feel better.

Cheers!!

I Guess I Do

Well it’s only the second day of the new year and already the Matt-Man has incurred big changes in his life.

While most of you were celebrating Christmas and New Year’s, the Matt-Man was busy growing up and forever altering his life.

You see, on Christmas Day, Matt-Man got married to Schmoop.

The Matt-Man never saw it coming. He didn’t even notice it at first.

The Matt-Man did however, begin speaking and writing in an obnoxious third person style…

A pretentious, self-absorbed, third person style that the Matt-Man really needs to refrain from doing. So he will.

Anyhoo, I spent the night at Ryno’s Christmas Eve. Ryno, his mom, and I awoke early Christmas morning and Ryno opened his presents.

At 9 A.M. or so, I returned home to the Bagwine digs.

I was greeted by the lovely Schmoop, who was wearing nothing but a sexy, black, silk robe and an effervescent Christmas smile.

Minutes later, after a passionate kiss and a cup of coffee, I went from being the bawdy, carefree rascal that I am known to be, to become:

Matt…The Husband of Schmoop.

That’s right folks, after eight years or so of living in sin, Schmoop made an honest man out of me.

There was no religious service, no marriage license, but the vows were exchanged in the form of my Christmas present from Schmoop.

What was the present that I received that formed this binding, nuptial contract, you ask? It was this:







Yep. Socks and underwear.

If receiving socks and underwear from your girlfriend at Christmas doesn’t mean that one is married, I don’t know what does.

If you’d like to celebrate our union by sending a wedding gift, keep this in mind…

I wear a 34-36 in pants and underwear, dress socks would be nice, and my shoe size is an 11 ½ or 12.

Schmoop wears a 40C…Wait a minute, buying her a bra would be the sexy, single thing to do.

How about getting her a comfortable pair of slippers or a nice fuzzy housecoat?

After all, if we’re now married, she shouldn’t be flaunting her wares by wearing that sexy, black silk robe of hers.

Cheers!!

Workin' Thru the Weekend

Well folks, it’s Saturday, and I am not happy.

I have to work 11 A.M. til 9 P.M. today. What a bummer.

And then I work 11-7 tomorrow…Oh the humanity!!

I guess this will prevent me from attending Jenna Bush’s wedding, dammit.

I was so looking forward to watching Dick Cheney do the Chicken Dance, and cussing out the groom.

I am thinking that Jenna probably has a pre-nuptial agreement.

She has learned from her father how ugly things can get when one doesn’t have an exit strategy.

Anyhoo, let’s get to the business at hand…

The Bagwine Ruminations Comment of the Week!!

The comments from BR readers are always smart, funny, and in this case, one that offers an invaluable lifestyle tip.

The comment comes from my Wednesday post which dealt with me attending Women’s Conferences this summer in order to get laid.

Hammer, of When Your Only Tool is a Hammer, provided me with a great piece of societal knowledge that will greatly enhance my experience…

“That's quite a schedule. You do know it's quite acceptable to wear French ticklers inside out.”

Thanks for the tip Hammer and congrats on ropin’ this week’s COW. Go say Hi to The Hammer-Man by clicking HERE.

And Now, a Saturday video bonus.

Another Desert Rat, who was the catalyst for me making the hilarious Old Time God video, sent quite the surprise to me.

She had asked what program I used to make my Blog-Fo-Mercials©. I told her…she had the program…and the rest is You Tube history.

In spite of her subject matter (moi) it is a damn good job for any attempt, let alone her first one.

Ladies and Gents, ADR’s video interpretation of Bagwine Ruminations…

It is so nice when people do things out of the blue and completely unexpectedly. I want to thank Desert Rat for her time and generosity.

Thank Ya Pal!!

If you’d like to visit her, say great job, and then tell her what a shame it is that I will be suing her for copyright infringement, click HERE.

Have a great Saturday all. I’ll see ya…well…someday.

Cheers!!