Just Sayin'

Just so you know…I haven’t abandoned this blog.

I just don’t have to much to say right now.

I’m alive.

Matt-Man is alive.

He is a multi-media superstar you know.

I don’t want to talk about what is going on here, as it is very personal. No I did not cheat, but that’s all you’re getting.

I asked him not to put it out there, so neither am I.

Things will be sporadic, until I can get the funny back, and funny it will be. I hope.

Just wanted to let you pretty people know, that this is a work in progress. We are a work in progress.

I am buying Dick Cheney’s book, and getting on the Michele Bachman bandwagon, if that’s any indication.

What? I think she’s got potential...just sayin'.

Zoooooves!!

Here's To The Class of 2011

It's good to see that Blogger has corrected its problems and literary genii such as myself are able to once again spew their insightful commentary across and through the tubes of the internets.

I wrote a post Thursday night that was perhaps the funniest goddamn thing I have ever written, but was unable to put it up on my site because of Blogger's technical meltdown.  So...

You will never get to read that post and well, that's a fucking shame because it was hilarious times ten, however, do not lose heart my friends...

You will still get to laugh your precious little asses off at 6:30 PM EDT today when Jayman and I broadcast another award winning episode of I'm With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.

We will be hailing and celebrating the young bucks and does who will be graduating from schools all across this nation this year, and indeed saying "good job" to all of us who have ever graduated from a school or penal/mental institution during:

I'm With Stupid: Pomp Or Circumstance.

We are going to talk about fun graduation party games, potential commencement speakers of 2011, and our personal stories of matriculatory climax.

For instance, you won't want to miss hearing me describe my wild wacky night of celebration following my graduation from Springfield North High School in June 1983.  It's scandalous!!

Also, IWS has exclusive access to former Vice-President and all around good egg, Dick Cheney, as he addresses the graduates of Miss Yousuf's 2011 kindergarten class at Snowhill Elementary school right here in Bagwine, Ohio.

Is that HUGE or what!?

If Time Warner doesn't fuck me again during the show, this may be the best installment of IWS evah.

Jay will undoubtedly say something I'm not expecting sending me in to a fit of laughter and Marlboro induced coughing, and I will say something that will force Jay to feign moral outrage.

Oh yeah bitches, all that and your phone calls at 661.244.9852 on I'm With Stupid at 6:30 PM EDT tonight on Blog Talk Radio.

You can access our BTR show page by clicking HERE.

I am working 11-4 today, but I hope to see you this evening on the radio.

Cheers!!

Justin Bieber Is Hot, and More Than Likely...Incredibly Gay!!

It’s Wednesday, so that means I am off today, and today? It’s time for my every 3-4 month head shaving.

When I realized that, a thought entered my head…

What the fuck is up with that hair of teen idol, Justin Bieber? And, I thought a second and then said to myself…

“Not only does that hair style look like a giant Maine Coon cat just threw up a giant furball atop his noggin, I think the boy is gay.”

He’s gotta be. I mean, now dig it…

He’s a pasty, white, milquetoast Canadian named Justin who overcompensates for his acute lack of post-puberty masculinity by trying to sound soulful when singing and always using hip phrases like, "whatevah dude", "wassup", and, "you know, man?"

Who does this little Mary thinks he is, Canadian Ice? I bet those in the know, know that in gay teenage circles he is known as, Canadian Slice!!

Dude, Justin…c’mon fess up man. You’re a Teen-Ker-Bell, and well, that’s cool. Don’t deny it.

Hell, Canadian Back Bacon Boy, embrace it like you did your buddy Brice a couple of summers ago behind the Honeysuckle bushes.

You have gayness written all over you. You should change your name from Justin Bieber to Justin Beaver because that’s where your pee flows from when you sit down to take a leak.

There’s no shame in being gay, but I gotta tell ya, J-Beeb…if you’re going to be gay, could ya do it with some style, please?

This phony Usher-esque Hipster thing ya got going on, is a joke. You’re not a hipster. Much like Cosmo Kramer you come off as a Hipster Doofus, and a gay one at that.

Get back to your root and start emulating Nathan Lane or Rip Taylor.

You can have their uber-gay openness and still be cool, but you might want to make a few changes. For instance…

If someone is interviewing you and asks you what is on your iPod, don’t say, “Culture Club, Air Supply, and Johnny Mathis.”

Download some new tunes immediately so you can tell everyone that you are listening to Queen and Judas Priest. Now there’s a couple of rockin’ bands with gay ass front men. But please note…

Don’t ever think you’ll be as good as Freddie Mercury was.

Now the hair…It is pretty damn gay looking, but I mean gay in the non-PC sense of the word when calling something just completely fucked up and non sequitur.

Your hair is a gay buzz kill. It’s awful. You look like a girl.

If you want to hang out with Melissa Etheridge the hair is fine, but if you showed up at Siegfried and Roy’s house with that mop, they’d bitch slap ya and feed ya to the tigers.

So in summation, my gay friend…

Lose the lame attempts at being a ghettolicious hipster; you’re a fucking Canadian.

Watch Nathan Lane movies. Find some edgy gay music to listen to, and for Godssakes...

Get rid of the furball atop your noggin!!

Do this and you will never want for the queerpanionship you so desire.

Do this not, and you will surely live and die a bitter old man because you repressed your incredible gayness.

If you think I am kidding, take a look at Dick Cheney. He has repressed his gayness, and look what has happened to him.

Cheers!!

Positive Day in the Blogosphere...Yeah, Right.

Positive Day in the Blogosphere?…The Glass is Half Full Day…?

Really?

I guess today, bloggers around the world are supposed to post something positive. Being ordered to do so puts a HIV-Positive scorpion up my crawl. So, am I going to post something positive?

I'll answer that question using a phrase and movie reference from Seinfeld…

Prognosis Negative!!

In fact, let me paraphrase George Costanza from the aforementioned Seinfeld show and say...

“Everybody’s doing something positive, we’ll do something negative.”

Indulge me if you will…an opportunity to list some things that tick me off. The list thusly follows…

*Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rachel Maddow, and Keith Olbermann. Both right and left wing ideologues put a pain in my ass greater than if a curved, stainless steel plumber’s pipe had been shoved up my ass…and twisted until it fit.

*Sarah Palin. Actually, I am more ticked off by people who think she would make a good President. She’s a phony. She’s intellectually uncurious. She’s an Eskimo-ron.

*People who do not and never will know how to safely and successfully merge onto a highway. It says YIELD not STOP, and you should not cut the merge lane short!!

*Birther Conspiracists…people who think Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii. Hey all ya right wing nuts who see helicopters circling over your house, he’s an American. I’m sorry that he’s also a "nigger" who is an Islamo-Fascist terrorist.

Maybe if Jesus came back, he could be our President. Nope, sorry…he was born in Judea. Which of course, since you are imbeciles and don’t know where that is, it’s modern day Palestine…or…Israel...or something.

*Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh. It’s fine to be a guy who wants to earn ratings and money, but seriously…Do you have to be people who call Obama a racist and an “angry black man”? Argue Obama’s policies; not his skin color. Of course, you might have to actually think to do that. So, nevermind.

*Chicks who leave the toilet seat down. I need it up. It ain't all about you, Bitches.

*Women (mainly) with six kids in a van who go to a Drive-Thru of any type and once they get there ask, “Gee kids, what do you want?” Either decide before you get there or TELL the damn rug rats what they want. There are people behind you who are either starving and/or dying of thirst!!

Oh, there are many more, but I do not want to burden you with negative things on such a positive karma kinda day.

In fact, before I leave, I want you to know that in honor of this day of positivity, I am going to hook up with Dick Cheney, toss a few back with him, and then we are going to go roll some drunk, crippled homeless people.

I’ll shoot video.

Cheers!!

Obama Does Vegas

Tuesday night, President Obama attended a fundraiser at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas for Senator Harry Reid.

Not one to just sit back and attend…The O-Man decided that when in Las Vegas do as the Las Vegans. So, he did a brief stand-up act.

Thanks to the work of the crack Bagwine staff, I give you the joke by joke transcript of his comedy act…

Hey y’all. What a good looking crowd, albeit very white. In fact, I haven’t seen this many white people in one place since I saw a video on You Tube of an Air Supply concert. Ba Dump Bump.

How many of you are from out of town? Me too. In fact…

I just flew in from D.C. and boy…my arms aren’t tired at all. Ba Dump Bump. Ha. Hell, I had a nice steak dinner and then took a two hour nap aboard Air Force One.

Have you seen all the smack down that is going on of late between Dick Cheney and Colin Powell? I know exactly how it all got started.

A couple of weeks ago, Dick Cheney and Colin Powell walked into a Chinese restaurant. And they both ordered the Kung Pao Chicken.

Powell saw, that unlike Cheney, he didn’t get an egg roll with his dinner.

Powell asked the guy at the counter. “Sir, Cheney and I ordered the same thing. Why did only Dick get eggroll?”

“Ahhhh so verly sorry Mr. Powell, but with five militarly deferments, person get egg roll.” Ba Dump Bump.

Some people say I am here to help raise money for Harry Reid’s 2010 Senate reelection campaign. That’s only half true.

While I am here to help raise money for Harry Reid, the money is not for his campaign; it will be used to buy Harry a personality. Ba Dump Bump.

I was going to do a little Siegfried and Roy thing for ya, but the only one capable of trying to eat me alive was busy. Yes indeed…Rush Limbaugh said that tonight was no good because he had a date with his Richard Nixon Blow-Up Fuck Doll. Ba Dump Bump.

Boo Yah!! Gimme another rim shot on that one, Rahm. Ba Dump Bump. Rahm Emanuel on the punch line drum, ladies and gentlemen.

Rahm wanted to do his own little bit, but the owners of Caesar’s said that Sam Kinnison was dead and they wanted to keep it that way. Ba Dump Bump.

Ha Ha Ha. Yes indeed, Rahm has quite the foul mouth on him. In fact, he’s the only person in D.C. who can get away with telling Dick Cheney to go fuck hizzself. Ba Dump Bump.

I guess by now you’ve heard that I have picked Sonia Sotomayor to replace David Souter on the Supreme Court.

She’s the Bronx born daughter of Puerto Rican parents. If confirmed, she will be proof positive that even on the Supreme Court, a white man can be replaced on the job by a Hispanic. Ba Dump Bump.

Southern Conservatives, such as Jeff Sessions and Evangelical groups, such as Focus on the Family will be up in arms over my selection.

Why, you ask? Her views on things such as abortion?…No. On Drugs?…No. On Guns?…No.

You see, Ms. Sotomayor wanted to become a lawyer while growing up watching Raymond Burr portray TV lawyer, Perry Mason.

Because of her early idolization of Raymond Burr, some on the right feel that she will give preferential legal treatment to homosexuals. Ba Dump Bump.

Now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, Miss Sheryl Crow. And let me tell ya, that’s some Crow I wouldn’t mind eatin’…Ba Dump Bump.

You’ve been a great crowd. Make sure to try the veal and tip your waitress. ‘Cause chances are…they voted for me.

Yeah…That’s how it all went down…because I believe it.

Cheers!!

Your Last Half of August 2008 Bagwine Whore-O-Scope

Today marks the beginning of a new monthly installment on Bagwine Ruminations...Your Monthly Bagwine Whore-O-Scope ™.

I will once a month, decode the backwash of a bottle of various potables to render your monthly fortune; be it good or bad.

The potable that I read for you, depends on your sign, because each sign has a ruling Bagwine or one of its ugly cousins, such as a cheap Malt Liquor.

On this initial installment, you will not only get your Whore-O-Scope for the last half of August, you will also see what your ruling beverage is. Enjoy!!


Aries
March 21 -April 19

Your ruling drink is Thunderbird. A tongue discoloring wine with 17.5% alcohol, you get the New Year of the Zodiac, and life itself, kicked off with a battering and a hurl.

The soothing inner voices of your conscience become increasingly annoying when they start quoting lines from the movie, Titanic, in the voice of Stephen Hawking...I-i-i-i am-mmm Kin-in-in-ing of da Wor-or-orld-orld.



Taurus
April 20 -May 20

Your ruling drink is JOOSE. Full of Taurine, Caffeine, and 9.9% alcohol. You are a bull full of drunken energy. Much like JOOSE itself, you have an unpleasant smell.

Your family has a major problem that you refuse to deal with. The days of ignoring this 800 pound Gorilla in the room come to an end when the Gorilla kills you, rapes your spouse, and eats your kids.



Gemini
May 21 -June 20

Your ruling drink is Night Train Express. A “special” ingredient combined with 17.5% alcohol makes you a twin blend of frivolity and memory loss.

Although you will lose your car keys, you will find them in the FIRST place that you look, which is unfortunate because it will lead to a charge of drunk driving.



Cancer
June 21 -July 22

Your ruling drink is Sterno. While the alcohol content effect is unknown, drinking “Canned Heat” can often lead to death, much like your sign’s namesake.

You will win a lottery prize of 87.5 Million dollars, unfortunately the pay out will be in the form of pennies, nickels, and dimes.



Leo
July 23 -August 22

Your ruling drink is Hurricane High Gravity produced by Anheuser-Busch. At 8.1% alcohol, you can still remain coherent enough to lead the pride, while still roaring proudly…and obnoxiously.

After trying 16 brand new light bulbs in the living room lamp without success, you will finally realize that the problem lies within the lamp itself.



Virgo
August 23-September 22

Your ruling drink is Boone’s Farm. With types at 7.5% alcohol or less, you are a pussy, but hardly virginal. On the upside, the marginal alcohol content assures that you won’t sleep with the incredibly ugly people that other signs will.

Your intentions were good, but giving a Snickers Bar to the homeless guy with a peanut allergy will result in scandal and massive legal fees.



Libra
September 23 -October 22

Your ruling drink is Mogen-David (Mad Dog) 20/20. With flavors averaging 13%, you are justifiably at the middle of the scale. Combining MD 20/20 with your sense of compassion, leads you to have sex with anyone who is even slightly unhappy.

Lather, rinse, repeat, and meticulously blow dry…for you will surely have sex with John Edwards.




Scorpio
October 23 -November 21

Your ruling drink is Cisco. Distributed by the same folks as Wild Irish Rose, and with identical 18% alcohol, you give and receive painful verbal stings. You and the Aquarian (see below) are not a good social mix.

Calling a spade a spade is fine, but you shouldn’t have done it to Al Sharpton.




Sagittarius
November 22 -December 21

Your ruling drink is Steel Reserve 211. A malt liquor with 8.1% alcohol, this medieval beverage helps your to hone your skills as the archer. Your thoughts always hit the bull’s-eye when drinking this…at least in your mind.

Upon reaching ultimate self-awareness, you realize that people around you are correct; you are indeed, a complete asshole.




Capricorn
December 22 -January 19

Your ruling drink is well…anything. You are after all, some type of goat. Rude, stubborn, and personally boorish, you’ll drink anything put in front of you, provided you don’t have to pay for it.

You will discover that calling the waitress at Denny’s, “a stupid bitch” does in fact lead to food poisoning.




Aquarius
January 20 -February 18

Your ruling drink is Wild Irish Rose. People admire your sarcasm and love your introspection. And at 18% alcohol, you are more than happy to love them back (except Scorpios)…provided you don’t pass out first.

You have mixed emotions when you find out that the growth on your chest is not cancerous, but rather, a benign growth resembling the face and head of Carrot-Top.



Pisces
February 19 -March 20

Your ruling drink is King Cobra Malt Liquor. This “Snake in a Bottle” is only 6% alcohol, but what you lack in punch you make up for in volume, because you drink like a fish.

Dick Cheney shows up at your house wearing a black evening gown and hi-heels. Your guilt overwhelms you when you find yourself highly aroused.



I hope that my Bagstrological findings help you out through the last half of this month.

Have a great day, and as always...

Cheers!!

C'mon, Pick Up...I'm Phonin' It In

I was gonna take this week off from blogging and kinda recharge.

However, my ego sense of wanting to be with you all is so damn overpowering.

So, I have, as you can tell from yesterday’s Bagwine Jumble, decided to go ahead and post this week, but just relax and sort of “phone it in” so to speak.

Today…Some random thoughts, Matt-Facts, and meanderings.

Y’know…I never had really great sex until I was about 35 years old. Goes to show, that if one keeps “pluggin’ away” good things will happen.

I quit biting my nails at the age of 41. Bad teeth due to receding gums has an upside after all.

I was wondering if our cat, Corky, ever misses having sex. She was fixed long ago. Does she dream of being nailed in an alley by a big, orange Tom who’s hung like a lion?

I saved a soul last night at work. A guy who comes through the Drive-Thru once in awhile wanted to buy some Wild Fruit Wild Irish Rose.

I put my years of Bagwine experience to work and convinced him to go with the Red. I go that extra step for my customers.

My son is flying to the Chicago area tonight to spend two weeks with his Aunt and Uncle and their two kids.

I’ll miss him, and if I find out that Dana has been stalking him while he’s there, I’ll…I’ll…I’ll say to myself, “Eh, he does have my cutes after all.”

The videos that I have made and put on You Tube have been viewed nearly 11,000 times. I know, I know, some single videos get viewed MILLIONS of time.

I just never figured I’d get more than 10 or 20 looks on my off the cuff productions.

Speaking of videos and Vlogging. I still laugh every time the Jay-Man opens one of his Vlogs up with the phrase, “Hola, Bitches.” Ha. Funny man.

If we could convert Bill O’Reilly’s ego, Dick Cheney’s anger, and Dubya’s lack of command of the English language into fuel, gasoline would be 19 cents a gallon…for the next 75 years!!

Even though I miss my mom and dad, whenever I think of them, instead of feeling sad, I almost always smile and laugh.

I will be hanging out with Ryno before he goes away later today, and then off to work so I won’t be around much today.

Enjoy your day all. I’ll be back tomorrow with another “just phonin’ it in” post.

Cheers!!

Lord How We Miss Ya, Jerry...

Last Thursday marked the one year anniversary of the passing of Jerry Falwell.

I feel a duty to his memory to not let it go unscathed uncelebrated.

I asked God if I could do an interview with the Reverend Falwell, the Holy Honcho said that Jerry wasn’t exactly “nearby”.

Being the blessed old SOB that he his, however, G-Dawg gave me a phone number where I could reach Falwell.

Always the cut up, God said to me, prior to attending to a pre-scheduled, tectonic rattling of the Chinese landscape, “Matt-Man, consider this number a direct HOT-Line.”

So I called, and after a brief discussion on tax tips with Leona Helmsley who was running the switchboard, she put me through to Falwell…

Matt-Man: Reverend Falwell…Matt-Man here, how the hell are ya?

Falwell: Ahhhhh, Brother Matthew, I am basking in the light of the Lord…Amen.

Matt-Man: But aren’t you in Hell, Jerry?

Falwell: I cannot disclose that. But I will tell you that this place is hot, the meals consist of leper skin gruel, and the staff is currently redecorating a cell…er…I mean suite, for when Pastor Rod Parsley and Dick Cheney come to stay with us.

Matt-Man: Are you continuing to save souls in the afterlife there Jerry?

Falwell: Ohhh Brother Matthew…As soon as I arrived, I began to cure Hermann Goering of his homosexuality.

Matt-Man: How’s that workin’ out for ya?

Falwell: It was going fine, until last Tuesday, when Hermann allowed himself to be publicly sodomized by the Borgia family.

Matt-Man: Wow, that’s classic…did you take pictures?

Falwell: It was disturbing Brother Matthew, but kinda fun to watch a Nazi getting reamed by a group of greasy Spaniards. And who knew that Pope Alexander VI had such a huge schlong. I bet that left a mark. Ouch!!

Matt-Man: I have a few more ques….

Falwell: Oh I am sorry Brother Matthew, but it is time for my daily 4:15 burning at the stake…

Matt-Man: Sweet Baby Jeebus, that has to be painful, Jerr.

Falwell: It is, it is indeed. But it’s not as bad as when they extinguish the flames that engulf my body.

Matt-Man: Why is that?

Falwell: Attila the Hun, Henry VIII, and Joan Crawford drop trowel and piss on me until the fires recede. Brutal!!

Matt-Man: Well thanks for your time, Reverend.

Falwell: Anytime, Brother Matthew, and tell Joyce Meyer that I can’t wait to see her. I’m a huge fan.

And there you have it, my interview with the Jerr-Meister.

Have a lovely Monday, and as always…

Cheers!!

Workin' Thru the Weekend

Well folks, it’s Saturday, and I am not happy.

I have to work 11 A.M. til 9 P.M. today. What a bummer.

And then I work 11-7 tomorrow…Oh the humanity!!

I guess this will prevent me from attending Jenna Bush’s wedding, dammit.

I was so looking forward to watching Dick Cheney do the Chicken Dance, and cussing out the groom.

I am thinking that Jenna probably has a pre-nuptial agreement.

She has learned from her father how ugly things can get when one doesn’t have an exit strategy.

Anyhoo, let’s get to the business at hand…

The Bagwine Ruminations Comment of the Week!!

The comments from BR readers are always smart, funny, and in this case, one that offers an invaluable lifestyle tip.

The comment comes from my Wednesday post which dealt with me attending Women’s Conferences this summer in order to get laid.

Hammer, of When Your Only Tool is a Hammer, provided me with a great piece of societal knowledge that will greatly enhance my experience…

“That's quite a schedule. You do know it's quite acceptable to wear French ticklers inside out.”

Thanks for the tip Hammer and congrats on ropin’ this week’s COW. Go say Hi to The Hammer-Man by clicking HERE.

And Now, a Saturday video bonus.

Another Desert Rat, who was the catalyst for me making the hilarious Old Time God video, sent quite the surprise to me.

She had asked what program I used to make my Blog-Fo-Mercials©. I told her…she had the program…and the rest is You Tube history.

In spite of her subject matter (moi) it is a damn good job for any attempt, let alone her first one.

Ladies and Gents, ADR’s video interpretation of Bagwine Ruminations…

It is so nice when people do things out of the blue and completely unexpectedly. I want to thank Desert Rat for her time and generosity.

Thank Ya Pal!!

If you’d like to visit her, say great job, and then tell her what a shame it is that I will be suing her for copyright infringement, click HERE.

Have a great Saturday all. I’ll see ya…well…someday.

Cheers!!