The Circle of Life

Welcome to the weekend, y’all.

My weekend was yesterday. That was it. That’s all there was. There isn’t any more.

You see…for the next three weeks, I’ll be working 11-9 on Saturdays and 11-7 on Sundays at the Beer Mine.

I’m not unhappy about it at all, but in order to make up for working during the “true” weekend, I utilized my day off on Friday to have fun.

I took Schmoop to work early and then headed over to see my 15 year old with size 15 feet, pride and joy, Ryno.

After I woke his still sleeping ass up, we watched Sports Center for awhile and then headed to the Beer Mine to get my check.

I purchased a pack of smokes, a bag of BBQ Pork Rinds for Ryno, Drive-By Mikey made several crude, but funny remarks, and Ryno and I went to Rally’s.

I bought him a cheeseburger and fries and a burger for his mom. After he ate, he was ready to perform.

I shot this video of him doing his “not quite right” basketball player routine.

It’s pretty funny, only a minute and ten seconds long, and towards the end he’s pretty impressive by sinking, on command, two of three 20+ feet three pointers…

Damn, the boy rarely misses. Anyhoo…I went to pick up Schmoop from work around noon. When we got home I saw that I had several emails in my box.

It was notification that Jay’s Fantasy Football League is back again this year and the site is open. I dig it!!

Last year, my Jonas Brothers won the whole she-bang and they shall again this year although with a different team moniker. My team name this year?

The Eager Biebers!! Fear them, Bitches…fear them.

Schmoop and I quaffed a few beers and a Full Throttle at home and then headed over to the palatial estate of my brother Marte’ and his lovely wife.

Marty’s 30th High School reunion is this weekend and he had a couple of his friends over for a pre-party and Schmoop and I were invited.

It was amusing as always getting together with Marty and the two knuckleheads, Chris and Andy. Now Andy, some of you Bagwine readers may know, as Agent Squalor and an occasional commenter.

But Chris? You and Schmoop as well have never met him. She got the honor of that yesterday, and laughed her ass off.

After she reattached her ass, she captured this picture of from left to right…Marty, Chris, Andy, and Me.

Have you ever seen a more handsome and trustworthy looking group of men? Of course you have.

Schmoop and I headed out after that because allegedly Marty, the wives, and his classmates were going out to eat. However, judging by the rapid flow of alcohol during the visit, I’m guessing they didn’t make it.

But…That didn’t stop me from treating Schmoop to a world class dinner. No sir-ree-bob.

On our way back to the Bagwine digs, I cruised through one of the finest eating establishments in Bagwine, Ohio…Indeed, in America itself…

Damn right, Bitches…Just as I did for Ryno and his mom, I bought Schmoop and I a sack full of grease from Rally’s.

The circle of life was complete, as was my truncated weekend.

A shortened weekend full of drinks, laughter, and people who I love. I dug it.

Cheers!!

Drive-By Mikey, Carl's Jr. Footlong Cheeseburger, and Ellen Page Inception...Let Me Live

Although I am nearly fearless, I have something to do today which is somewhat frightening…

I am headed to Columbus early this morning with the intrepid owner of the beloved Beer Mine, Drive-By Mikey.

In case you are unfamiliar with how Mikey acts, here is a sampling:

And of course there is this example:

Yeah, I am putting my life in his hands as he drives us to a meeting. Wish us luck with the meeting and more importantly, pray for my safe return.

I thank you in advance, because I’d like to experience a couple of things prior to my earthly demise.

I would like to taste the meaty sexiness of this:

Who doesn’t want to eat a Carl’s Jr. Footlong Cheeseburger? No one, that’s who.

I’d also like to spend some time with Inception star and all-around cutie, Ellen Page…

Some chicks are hot, some are sexy, some are beautiful. Ellen Page to me, is the epitome of cute.

And even if she is only 23 or so, I’d dig seeing Ellen Page naked.

So please, let my trip with Drive-By Mikey be safe and uneventful, and may we find me returning your comments this afternoon as I drink a few beers.

Please, Holy Baby Jeebus, make it so.

Cheers!!

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer? Hardly. Here's What Really Happened...

On this shortest day of the year, and due to the fact that I work early this afternoon, I offer you a brief song.

It is a 2 minute and 3 second piece of musical Christmas joy that I wrote and recorded some two years ago.

Ladies and Gentlemen…

Grandpa Got His Herpes From a Reindeer

Grandpa got his herpes from a reindeer
Coming home last year on Christmas Day
Please don’t be too hard on poor old Grandpa
The reindeer got him drunk, and had her way

I guess there was at least one witness
Who saw the carnage, and the grief
Said, there were hooves and arms a’flyin’
And Grandpa, eating venison without his teeth

He said it soon became a three way
As the deer she got on top
She was a grindin’ on Grandpa’s Yule log
While her tongue was makin’ love to a big salt block

Grandpa got his herpes from a reindeer
Coming home last year on Christmas Day
Please don’t be too hard on poor old Grandpa
The reindeer got him drunk, and had her way

And now the worst part of the story
Grandma’s drowning in her tears
‘Cause this year at our holiday table
Sits a yearling with doe-y eyes and Grandpa’s ears

Grandpa got his herpes from a reindeer
Coming home last year on Christmas Day
Please don’t be too hard on poor old Grandpa
The reindeer got him drunk, and had her way

I hope you all have a lovely Monday. I have one more Bagwine Christmas Classic left and by golly I may re-record just for all y’all and put it up by Wednesday.

Until then…

Cheers!!

Winter Wonderland or a Nightmare for Pizza Bill?

I woke up at 3:30 this morning…in part because I had to pee, but mainly due to the fact that I passed out went to sleep so early last night.

I betcha I was fast asleep on Kelly by 8:30 last night. It’s actually kinda nice getting up so early.

The only sounds at 3:30 in the morning are from Corky purring as she nestles down to sleep on the arm of Kelly, the coffee maker brewing, and the brisk winter winds blowing outside my window.

Ahhhhhhhh.

Of course those winds a blowin’ will not be so kind to my friend and fellow Beer Mine worker, Pizza Bill today and tonight. Nooooo siree-bob.

It’s only going to be 19 degrees today with 25-30 mph winds, turning the Drive-Thru into an arctic wind tunnel and turning Pizza Bill into a Marlboro and Pepperoni flavored popsicle.

Woe is Bill, but as I am off today what can I do except feel his pain from afar as I drink beer within the confines of the warm, windless Bagwine digs?

I actually do feel bad for the guy because I know what he will be going through.

He will step outside to take an order and some dope will spend five minutes asking the price of each and every brand of beer before settling on a bottle of Hawaiian Punch and a Snickers bar.

Meanwhile, Bill has been standing there turning blue, as his nuts shrivel to the size of raisins and recede up into his asshole searching for warmth.

But being the professional that he is, Bill will get the dumb fuck’s valued patron’s order and bring it to him saying cheerfully, “That’ll be $2.38, sir.”

To which the customer will quickly hand Bill two dollars, and then spend five more minutes searching through his console and seat saying to Bill:

“Hold on, I know have 38 cents in here somewhere.”

Only because of his love and loyalty to Drive-By Mikey will Bill press on with his duties as the frozen layers of skin peel from his bones and shatter like glass upon the cold, hard floor.

Pizza Bill, my good man…my thoughts and those of every other reader are with you today. May that fact, help to fight off the chill and keep you warm within the cockles of your soul. As for me?

This cold air and the light dusting of snow that we received reminded me of a Bagwine Christmas Classic that I wrote and recorded back in 2007. Enjoy with me, my take on the song, “Winter Wonderland.”

I hope you liked that. I was going to re-record it in order to improve the video quality (I didn’t know how back then) and to show off my new 174 pound physique which makes me look utterly emaciated buff, but how could I improve on the look of Schmoop’s robe?

Have a wonderful day everyone, and remember…

Somewhere in Bagwine, Ohio there is a frozen Beer Mine worker who needs your thoughts and prayers.

Cheers!!

Thanksgiving...A Cornucopia of Traditions

It's Thanksgiving week here in the glorious and gluttonous United States of America. Food, booze, and on Friday, credit cards will be flying as we give thanks as a nation.

It's a grand American tradition, and nowhere is the Thanksgiving tradition more honored than here at Bagwine Ruminations.

Let's take a look at some previous Thanksgiving related Bagwine pictures, videos, and stories shall we?

It's Thanksgiving week, bitches!! And we'll be celebrating all week. Enjoy.

An Inky and Lola Spin-Off...



A moving song I wrote some two years and 35 pounds ago...

A future look at Thanksgiving that I wrote in 2008...

I thought I would channel my magical six and a half pound turkey breast, Lola Fowllana, to see what future Thanksgivings may hold for me…

Say, in twenty years from now.

Man, by that time my kid will be 34. I’ll be nearly 64, and my nutsack will have dropped down another 8 inches.

Instead of being nearly bald, I will be completely bald. I won’t have any of my real teeth, but by God, I will have a set of futuristic dentures.

I’ll still cook a bird, potatoes, dressing, and since I’ll have teeth, I may even have some maize on the cob.

I’ll just have to make sure not to overdue it, lest my brand new colostomy bag break open like a New Orleans levee.

That would certainly put a damper, not to mention an intolerable stench, on the holiday.

I don’t know if Schmoop will still be with me.

I mean, as it is now, I walk around the abode all day, half naked scratching my boys, by then I will have completely given up on life and just walk around all day fully naked scratching them.

I can see how she might grow weary of that.

Then again, she might not even notice ‘cause she’ll be too busy trying not to trip over her 40 Cs that are in a race to the floor with my aforementioned nutsack.

Eh, we’ll be together. I think Satan has made a pact with God on that. Besides, who would color her hair and get things cooked prior to the big feast?

Perhaps my son and his new wife will stop by to see dear old Dad. That would be nice.

I would give him a big hug, and give his sexy, tall, spouse with the perfect breasts an even tighter and longer lasting one...and some tongue.

Then they’ll leave and go over to his mom’s for Thanksgiving dinner. And once again, it will be just Schmoop and I.

We’ll make a toast. I’ll serve the food...

And then, maybe when we are done eating, we will, as we now do most Saturday nights, slow dance to a song or two in our tiny apartment.

Exhausted from the big day, we will go to bed, smile at each other, and exchange a soft kiss and our goodnights.

Then, as I roll over to turn out the light…

I'll see that the clock reads Six-O'-Fucking-Clock P.M.!!

Cheers!!

Purina, Chef Michael's Canine Creations, and Fancy Feast Cat Appetizers: Turning Pets Into People

As one who finds well done TV commercials to be the best television on television, I pay attention to new ads religiously.

I found a couple of new TV commercials to be disturbing. I don’t find the way the ads are done to be disturbing, but rather, the products themselves.

Beneful Dog Food, Chef Michaels’s Canine Creations, and Fancy Feast Appetizers for Cats, all of which are produced by Purina, have left me scratching my ginormous head.

The Beneful comes in dry and “prepared” meals for dogs, one of which is a Roasted Turkey Medley that contains corn, wild rice, peas, and barley. Do dogs really crave barley and rice?

Even more troubling are Chef Michaels’ Canine Creations…Now baby, that commercial does weird me out.

There’s a guy in the kitchen talking to his mop looking dog saying something like, “You’re a special, special dog and you deserve a special meal.”

Ewwwwww, the soft, loving tone of the dude’s voice makes it sound like he’s going to do it doggy style with the mutt after she eats her super special “chef prepared” meal.

That specific thought I get when I hear him is confirmed when he says lovingly, “You’re right girl; It’s a beef stew kinda night.” Urp.

One of the meals that “Chef Michael” has prepared for your special dog is, Filet Mignon with Peas and Carrots. WTF? Peas and Carrots? For a dog?

When I owned my house that is now simply a place that I go to in order to visit Ryno, I had a garden. I grew vegetables, and among them were peas and carrots.

There were many dogs in the neighborhood, and I don’t remember any dogs ravishing my crop of peas and carrots, unless of course, there was a rabbit in the garden and they wanted to eat him.

Call me crazy, but I don’t think dogs are big vegetable eaters. The only acceptable reason to feed them peas and carrots is if you own two dogs and their names are, Forrest and Jenny.

Some marketing genius at Purina Pet Foods, discovered that many pet owners are gullible enough to think that their special canine family member needs vegetables just like the doting owner.

Freaks, why don’t you buy your bow wow a gallon of V-8 when you go to the grocery as well.

Another stroke of marketing genius by Purina includes, Fancy Feast Appetizers for Cats…or as I call them, Catppetizers.

As the pictures says, “…an entirely new way to celebrate the moment.”

What the hell kind of “special moments” does one have with their cat? Did the cat win the Nobel Prize? Did the owner and the cat just finish watching Schindler’s List and they’re all verklempt?

It’s a fucking cat people!! They don’t need appetizers!!

The only cat appetizer that makes sense to me is if one takes a big meaty Maine Coon Cat, cuts it up into bite size pieces, deep fries it, and serves it alongside a spicy sauce. Now that’s a cat appetizer. Yum!!

I do love our cat Corky, but the only appetizer she gets is when I put a little milk and catnip on my balls.

Well, I guess that’s more of an appetizer for me, so forget I mentioned that. Please…forget that I mentioned that. Please?

Anyhoo…Am I the only one who thinks these products are goofy? Please tell me that I’m not.

And now, a 16 second video of a product that will revolutionize communications. Ladies and Gentlemen, my boss has eschewed the Blue Tooth Headset phone…Why? Because size matters. Enjoy…

You know what’s cool? Yesterday, while invoking Plato and Plutarch, I founded a new political movement, and today?

I am talking about pet food, cat sex, and airing a short video of my boss and owner of the best Beer Mine in Bagwine with a cell phone on his ear.

Holy Cow!! Am I one eclectic son of a bitch or what?

Cheers!!

Old Cats and Pin-Up Girls

It’s Saturday, and I am diggin’ it!!

I’ve nothing to do other than go over to Ryno’s house and feed the 16 year old cat, Sherlock.

Ryno and his mom have shot up to Chi-Town for his cousin’s H.S. graduation, so I’ll be feeding old Sherlock and keeping an eye on my their house until Tuesday.

Once again, my selflessness shines through.

I’ll make sure to shoot a video of big, arthritic, toothless, geriatric Sherlock for you all.

Schmoop’s brother, David, shaved my head Thursday. Lookin’ good, no?

Bring on the heat because my noggin is shorn, Bitches!!

The Beer Mine has been hoppin’ with the arrival of summer weather. The Drive-Thru has been poppin’ with a plethora of thirsty, busty chicks.

Of course, Drive-By Mikey’s fave babe is Mizz Victoria…Here’s a picture of her that hangs in the place.


I thought perhaps, I should have my own autographed picture of a hot babe hanging up, so I put this one up the other day…

Ha. Rock On, Schmoop. Once Mikey saw it, he came up with a better idea. He said…

“Hey Matt-Man…We need to turn Schmoop’s picture into a scratch and sniff. We could make some money off of it.”

So, this is the picture that is now framed and hanging in an extremely prominent place in the Drive-Thru for every damn customer to view:

Oh yeah…That picture went up late Friday afternoon, and by 8:30 Friday night, Schmoop had become the object of desire of more than a few men, and one chick.

A few of the remarks I heard were…”Wow, who’s that?” “Damn, who’s that Schmoop chick?” “I’d like to see more of that!!”

And the best remark/question of all: "What's wayward mean?"

Take THAT, Mizz Victoria!! Who knows? Maybe Mikey and Schmoop will make some money off of it after all.

Another interesting thing that happened at work this week occurred Tuesday night.

I had a bit of down time and took the opportunity to shoot a fourteen second video. I don’t typically try to do impersonations, but the mood just happened to hit me.

I improvised the final courtroom scene from “A Few Good Men” featuring Jack Nicholson and applied it to the confines of the Drive-Thru.

Enjoy…

Wasn’t that wonderful? Of course it was…

Enjoy your Saturday all.

I am going to spend mine drinking, listening to music, and later tonight, firing up some brats and making some of the best damned baked beans the world has ever tasted.

And hopefully, end up getting laid by that busty, Bagwine, Ohio pin-up girl, Schmoop.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Pete Maravich Lives, And So Does Respect!!

It is going to be a warm and sunny Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today.

A bit windy, but clear skies and 85 degrees. I can dig that!!

Working at the beer mines today from 11-7 should glean me plenty of panty and boob shots.

And seriously, would the Lord want anything other than that for me?

Of course not, ‘cause he Zoves me.

For those of you not in the know, I played my 14 year old man-child, Ryno, in round ball yesterday.

We play to 21, and in spite of being down 17-7 early on, I made an 11-2 run and closed the gap to 19-18.

However, Mini-Me, finally put me away with a 24 foot, 3 point shot to win 22-18.

I managed to escape without any, “middle-aged man trying to keep up with a 14 year old boy”, injuries.

Amen and Amen…

My post today is brief, and I leave you with the following…

For those of you who think it is sad that I couldn’t beat my kid at roundball, I leave you with the following video that we shot yesterday.

It kinda shows why he is a little hard to beat.

This was done in one take. His first shot is from 30 feet…His second one from 25 feet, and then he does a reverse lay-up.

I apologize for the sound, but damn, the wind was a-blowin’…

Anyhoo…Holy Moly, can that boy shoot or what?

I am not happy that I lost to my kid. I mean, no matter what, losing is not a good thing. However...

As soon as I lost to him, he called his mom at work. The joy in his voice was immeasurable.

He informed her of the result and was giddy. Not because he rubbed something in my face, but because he had accomplished something.

And I could tell that it was because he accomplished something against someone he truly respects.

I can dig that...alot.

As much as I love Freddie Mercury and Queen, I like Green Day even more..so, here's to a lovely day of Father/Son roundball play, no matter what the outcome was..

Have a fan-damn-tastic Sunday, all. I’m gonna spend mine working and hopefully looking at boobies.

Cheers!!

Live and Let Liver

Hi Y'all, Schmoop here...

The Matt Man wants me to chime in on his blooooooog.

While he’s cooking his LIVER, he thought it would be cute if I spoke…So…

I’ll speak…

First off…the House Stinks!! The house smells like, well...LIVER. Y’know…Like Cow Organs!!

The SMELL is disgusting. I will NOT even try it. No one, and I mean NO ONE should ever eat this crap. Dana are you listening? Seriously dude.

Anyhoo, grossness aside. Teabagging…Ha! I’m sorry but that just gets me. I know that the right wing party is having a hey day, but for reals???

I don’t care what the left or right wing have to say. I don’t care what the liberals/conservatives have to say. All I care about is what I have to say.

Isn’t that what you want? To have your say? Then Do IT. NOW. I want everyone to say something, anything.

Call, write, e-mail your Congressman, Statesman, Governor, anyone. Let them know how YOU want things done.

And let them know, that LIVER should be outlawed!!

Thank You,
Schmoop

Here's a picture of Matty's ugly meat!!


And now, a video of a half naked me, Schmoop, complaining about Matty's liver...

Cheers!!

It's Mardi Gras...Let's Get Wet!!

Today is Fat Tuesday…

The culmination of Mardi Gras activities through out the world.

It’s time to party up prior to the solemnity of the Lenten season setting in tomorrow.

Pass me a beer, cook me some meat, and show me your tits. This is my last chance to live it up until Easter.

It’s gonna be rockin’ down N’awlins way today. Hot drunken babes will be flashing their boobies in order to collect necklaces comprised of worthless beads.

God, I Love America!!

I am all set for Mardi Gras, or as we call it here in Bagwine, Matty Gras…

As you can see…I have my party shirt on. A beer in my hand…and beads to give away to any buxom chick who’d like to flash her fun bags at me.

In fact, I may take the beads with me to work today, and offer them to sexy female customers in exchange for a mammary flash.

If even one hot patron takes me up on my offer, my face will probably look something like this…




Of course as the carousing on Tuesday ends, Lent begins with Ash Wednesday. And thusly, my 46 days of Meatlessness for the Messiah will confront me.

Come Wednesday, with the ashen mark of Jeebus upon my forehead, my face will undoubtedly look something like this…

It will be rough come Wednesday, but in the meantime, let’s party it up today bitches.

In fact, Monday afternoon at work, the owner, Drive-By Mikey and I had a little bit of Pre-Mardi Gras fun.

You see…Even at the relatively young age of 42, Mikey owns a successful Drive-Thru business as well as a successful agri-business.

The reason? Because he is always thinking.

Yesterday, while in deep thought, he discovered that rubbing a case of bottled water with his feet makes a sound similar to the sound made during hot sex.

We videotaped it…

Yeah Baby!! Mikey and his H2-Ho.

Who says you can’t have fun at work and still do a good job?

Have a wonderful Mardi Gras all, and to my co-worker Pizza Bill…

You have GOT to leave a comment on this post.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man Interrupted

I've got a serious issue goin' on with Ryno so Bagwine Ruminations will be shut down today.

I also had a major disagreement with Schmoop last night over what constitutes good music.

But, we did agree that this song falls into the, "it's so bad that it's good" genre.



Cheers!!

The Twelve Days of Christmas

I talked to a couple of you fine folks on the phone yesterday and the day before, and it was nice. I like that.

So, to give back, I offer you this. My rendition of the Twelve Days of Christmas recorded in December of 2007...

But, you do have an option.

I have a second version that I unsuccessfully tried to update last night. Schmoop tags along on the unsuccessful version (the second one).

Thanks for your advice yesterday. I appreciate it.

I also want to thank…I know…this isn’t what it’s about, but I think she’s the Queen Shit, and she is a Scientist, after all.

I want to thank Another Desert Rat for sending me the pillow that is pictured.

Kelly never looked so fine. Thanks Rat, you’re aces!! Now go ye all, and peruse a video.

The second one with Schmoop, is better.

Cheers!!

I Can Cardly Stand Myself

Okay folks...It's officially Christmas!!

Yesterday, I got my first card of the season...

It came from a person, who has over the last couple of months, become one of my best buds evah!!

Lu!!

Lu, you knucklehead, I appreciate it more than you can imagine, especially considering the trouble you have gone through to make this happen for me and others...

You're simply the best...

And now, one more Bagwine Christmas Classic before I get off of my ass and make some new ones. Ladies and Gentlemen, Strokin' in a Winter Wonderland...

Cheers!!

Christmas in Downtown Bagwine

Well, today is my day off. I am going to put my mad Sharpie skillz to use and start crankin’ out your Christmas cards today.

I needed to get in the card making mindset before I began today so last night after work I ventured to downtown Bagwine.

It wasn’t the greatest of nights weather wise. It was cold and drizzly.

But, because I love you guys so damn much, I persevered and took a few pictures to help get us all in the Christmas spirit.

This is the city Christmas tree…It’s about 40-50 feet tall…

The building standing loud, proud, and sassy is the old City Hall…It’s a 100 plus years old.



A close shot of the tree with the old City Hall in the background…



This shot is of the new City Building built in the early-mid 70’s. Tres’ Chic, No?



This is the downtown Marriott. I did my best work here when I was a male prostitute.


This is a bit more of a panoramic view of the downtown…Who knew that inbred drunks and crack addicts could decorate so well?

Lastly…After the picture taking, the Baby Jeebus moved me and I shot a short video that contains a feeble, yet stirring, off the cuff Christmas carol. Enjoy.

Wasn’t that moving? Yes it was.

So there you have it. A little slice of Christmas in Bagwine. I hope you enjoyed it.

Now, I must get to creating your Christmas cards. I hope you will enjoy them as much as I will making them.

Cheers!!

Note: I received an email a top secret electronic communiqué from funny man, VE last night. He wanted me to impart the following to you…

"Hey everyone! Thanks for voting me in the lead (yesterday). Matt-man pimped me all day and for that I owe him big time. You all are my kind of bloggers!" - VE

As I write this, VE has slipped into second by a few votes. If you haven’t yet voted for him in the Humor Blogger of the Year contest, you can do so by clicking HERE.

The polls are open until December 31st . Thanks to those of you who have. You guys are the best!!

What Schmoop? VE? He’s on the phone again? Jesus Christ!! How the fuck much more can I do for that bastard!? Just tell him my herpes are flaring up and hang up. Holy Crap…

Cards, Presents, and Herpes

Today, I am going to begin making my Christmas cards for all of you. However, I have been befallen with a curse.

My printer has decided, just in time for the card making season, to get a case of the goo.

It no workie. But my friends, my curse is your blessing…

Because of the printer malfunction, you will be receiving cards from me that will be individually and entirely handmade utilizing my mad skillz with a Sharpie.

Isn’t that much more personal, and joyous? Of course it is.
I will be mailing them out over the days between December 5th and December 8th.

If you are one the few cool kids who has yet to request one, make sure to drop me a line at neshobadude @ yahoo.com, and I’ll get one out to you.

I’m excited about the cards and I’m feeling festive today, so let’s give another virtual Christmas gift away today.

Follow me now and sit with me…

Under the Bagwine Christmas Tree!!

Today’s recipient is none other than the Cynical Bastard himself, Jay.

I have done quite a few things already for Jay.

I made a Blog-Fo-Mercial© for him. I am his Fantasy Football buddy. I am sending him a Christmas Card along with a sexy picture of Schmoop.

I gave…I give…and I will soon be giving again. And what do I get from him in return? Heartache.

When I announced that Schmoop and I were not getting married after all, he wanted to know if there was still going to be a party.

When I was thinking about deleting my blog recently, in order to cheer me up he invoked the names of Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter. Gee, thanks.

But, my spirit of giving and my love are impervious to personal slights and know no bounds.

It’s obvious that with Jay, it’s all about Jay. He’s full of himself…He worries only about himself. He has sex frequently with himself.

Boy Howdy!! What can I give to a guy like that? How about…Another self!!

That’s right. Jay, my present from to me to you is a clone of you…

Not only am I giving you the gift of you, I am bringing self-love and masturbation into the 21st Century.

Just think Jay, you need no longer suffer from both wanker AND hand calluses. Have your you take care of that thing.

And, if you’re feelin’ frisky…You and you could grab each other by the horns, go full on, and avoid the calluses altogether.

Merry Christmas to you and your self-actualization. Enjoy yourself, buddy!!

And now, for all of you, I offer this parody that I wrote and recorded in December of 2007.

Enjoy the video of “Grandpa Got His Herpes From a Reindeer”

Cheers!!

Holy Deep Fried Fowl...I Forgot My Song!!

For a more reflective Thanksgiving post, you can scroll down to the next one, but for a little levity (almost invisible) I give you this...

I recorded this last year when I was a little younger and about 15 pounds heavier...Which, I plan on regaining after today. The weight...not the youth.

Enjoy!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Cheers!!

The Wedding is Off!!

I won’t be around much today, but I hope you take the time to help me out, and give me your advice.

There is a serious disturbance in the Bagwine Force.

Schmoop has dropped a bombshell of cataclysmic proportions upon me.

It may put any chances of a wedding taking place on hold indefinitely.

Is she in love with another? No, at least not admittedly.

Is she a lesbian? No, although if she was drunk enough, I know damn well she would have sex with Kim Kardashian. (And really, to me, that’s a plus.)

Political viewpoint? Noooo. She’s voting for the O-Man, and mainly because much like me, she is a Joe Biden fan.

Snoring, whoring, or boring? No, no, and no. It is much more sinister than that.

It has been revealed to me, in a weak and drunken moment of hers over this past weekend, that she is a devout, almost maniacal fan of…

The Bay City Rollers.

Yes folks, Saturday night during our usual, You Tube Music Video/Beer Fest, I was subjected to listening to half a dozen of the Bay City Rollers…um…“greatest” hits.

Even while anesthetized with a good Bagwine buzz, my ears began to bleed and I was overcome with an urge to redecorate the interior of the apartment. Plaid, anyone?

As the band’s syrupy sounds of Yesterday’s Hero, I Only Wanna be with You, and Rock N Roll Love Letter blared, I was praying to the Holy Baby Jeebus that he would bring S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y Night to a screeching halt.

Oh dear God. She danced about the digs, as the Scottish train wreck sang. I sat with the look of horror of all horrors upon my face as she shouted, “It’s all about the tartan.”

Yes, Schmoop is a HUGE fan of Derek, Alan, Eric, Leslie, and Woody. The Bay City Frickin’ Rollers. And this?…Is not acceptable.

I put up with her addiction to watching Clean House…I overlook her innate ability to leave a layer of crumbs and cheese on the kitchen floor when she cooks. I turn a deaf ear when while having sex, she refers to me as Gustav.

But this my friends, is a major, negative blow to how I feel about her.

If you can offer any advice, a word of solace, or the ability to erase the Bay City Roller's history from any and all media, I would appreciate it.

As I said, I’ll be gone most of today, but if I haven’t killed myself, I hope to see you all tomorrow.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Bleah

A hot, sweaty Sunday here in Bagwine, Ohio.

I am working all day today, so I am sure my boys will get all moist and musty like two cantaloupes on the vine.

Oh well…Taking off from posting anything today, and perhaps tomorrow as well, but one note.

Turnbaby celebrates her one year anniversary of doing a Blog Talk Radio Show tonight. It airs at 8 EDT PM. If you get the chance, give her a listen. For details click HERE.

And now our Sunday serenade…

Ladies and gents, Mr. George Jones.

Cheers!!

Two Short Rants, Two Short Videos, and Two Very Sweaty Balls

I’m off today…all day. I should be in a good mood but I am far from it.

The main reason I will get to later, but for now my first rant is about one, Rev. Jesse Jackson.

It seems that on July 6th, he not only was heard saying that Senator Obama is, “talking down to black people.”...

It is also being reported that he said that Obama is:

“…Telling Niggers How to Behave!!”

As I think about this and type, I can hear Dana Carvey as the Church Lady saying:

“Well, Reverend Who Can’t Keep His Penis In His Britches Outside Of His Holy Bond of Matrimony, don’t we have a potty mouth? Hmmmm?”

Of course, my own voice just says, “what a hypocritical dumb fuck.” But I also think, man, this is just kinda sad.

Jackson has become both a tragic and comedic figure.

Tragic in that, this once integral part of the Civil Rights movement is consumed with his own hypocrisy and his jealousy of Barack Obama, and…

Comedic, in the sense that more and more often, with every utterance, he paints his self-portrait in caricature form.

Senator Obama is not out to make himself the leader of the black community; he wants to be the leader of all Americans.

However, in the wake of Obama’s rise to political power, Jackson sees it differently.

Jackson sees it as a threat to his title of, “Leader of the Black Community”, and a threat to his throne.

What he doesn’t see, is that his title was self-appointed, and there was never a throne upon which he sat.

And now, let’s have a little fun before my second rant…

A video of me in a batting cage taking swings at 75 m.p.h. fastballs. Commentary provided by Ryno.

It’s a good thing only aluminum bats were available, because at least you can HEAR the hits that Ryno failed to capture on camera!!

And now, another short video of Ryno going all Irish-Scottish (Maybe it’s a new historical figure, William O’Wallace) on me as we waited for his lunch in the Drive-Thru at Rally’s.

My last rant is this…

Maintenance has been up here 5 times in the last two months to “fix” our A/C.

Well, today will be six, because after working on it for 6 hours yesterday it still doesn’t work.

Folks, I planned on using my day off to make a couple of videos, drink, eat, listen to music, and avoid the 93 degree temps and 70% humidity inside a comfortable apartment.

Instead, I will be listening to the clanging of A/C repair while I sweat.

It won’t be a good sweat. I will feel and smell like a human mattress used in a three way between Paris Hilton, Rosie O’Donnell, and Bill O’Reilly in a back alley of Bangkok.

Thank God, I have plenty of libation on hand.

See you all tomorrow, unless of course I melt like a salted snail.

Cheers!!

It's Me, It's Me...It's Dickie-V!!

The last few days here at Bagwine Ruminations have been exciting.

I want to thank you all for participating in the fun.

But I think today is a good day to unwind and enjoy some relaxing Saturday fun.

Those of you who follow NCAA Basketball know of the fun, high-octane, if taken in large doses quite annoying broadcast personality that is Dick Vitale.

Or as he is called, Dickie-V.

Yesterday, after my 13 year old son devoured the lunch that I brought him in roughly 8.74 seconds, Ryno and I went outside.

It was there, that he did his Dick Vitale impersonation for the camera. Enjoy…

To this day, I have no idea where my son got his, ham for the camera, wacky personality. It boggles my mind. ; )

Another piece of Saturday humor has once again been provided by Another Desert Rat.

I had asked folks to come up with Matt-Man for President T-Shirt ideas.

When I got home last night, I found this Inky and Lola inspired design by Rat in my mailbox…

I want to thank her for taking the time to do this, and to let her know, that I think it is hip as Hell. Thanks Rat; it was brilliant!!

With that being said, I am off to go see Ryno for a few, and then back here for some Saturday afternoon and evening debauching.

Have a great weekend, all. See you tomorrow for the Sunday Morning Church Disservice and the C.O.W.

Cheers!!