Sean Hannity Must Die!!

Yeah, you read that post title correctly. Sean Hannity MUST die.

That’s right…The FOX News talking head, talk radio babbler, and diaper-wearin’ crybaby, Sean Hannity, must die.

I listen to him on the radio and watch his Fox News TV show, and have come to the conclusion that he needs dirt sleep…bodily expiration…a copious amount of blunt force trauma upside his massive, square skull.

Allow me to ‘splain.

First of all, he has been, like many others of his ilk, railing against the proposed building of a community center/mosque near Ground Zero.

His arguments transcend the emotional argument that some use based on the mosque allegedly being a slap in the face to those who died in the 9/11 attacks on the WTC. No, no, my friends…

Blockhead Hannity in his delusional, bizarro world, extrapolates that the proposed mosque is a launching pad for Muslims to somehow usurp our Constitution and replace it with the evil Muslim code of Sharia Law.

I bet blockhead Sean utters the phrase, “Sharia Law” every two minutes.

I think he actually doesn’t want the controversy to go away because he loves to say, “Sharia Law!!” Sharia Law this…Sharia Law that.

It’s annoying as hell, but let me tell you, if a hot Muslim chick wants to become a porn star, Sharia Law would be a sexy name. On top of that, it would make Sean’s head assplode.

But seriously, one reason he should die, is because of the Sharia Law echo. Okay, maybe not die.

Maybe punishment for him saying, “Sharia Law” every two minutes, is to experience it, and have his tongue cut out. Trying saying Sharia Law now, Hanny-Boy!! Ha!!

Another reason Hannity should die? His frickin’ Freedom Concerts that he puts on to raise money for scholarships for children who have lost a parent serving in the military.

What the hell is wrong that Matt-Man, you ask? Let me tell you.

This year the musical acts have been Charlie Daniels and Lynyrd Skynyrd. Holy Cow!!

Charlie has been going down to Georgia with the Devil for decades, and the faux Skynyrd band is fronted by no-talent Johnny Van Zant who has been riding dead brother Ronnie’s duster coattails since 1977!!

If Charlie and this Skynyrd knock off band had been around during the Holocaust..?

Hitler wouldn’t have gassed the Jews, he would have forced them to listen to these two bands until they offed themselves.

For that, Blockhead Sean, must die. Okay not die, but something like likewise suffering at the hands of Nazis.

Perhaps we could somehow resurrect Hermann Göring and force Hannity to have hot, man on man cross-dressing sex with Queen Hermann.

And then…On the FOX Hannity show there are his guests. Oh dear God!! Michelle Malkin? Full of Hate. Ann Coulter? Full of hate and testosterone. Juan Williams? Vacuous. Ha.

Juan doesn’t know the difference between an Indian worshipping a bovine in Calcutta and one in South Dakota smoking peyote. What a dim bulb.

For this, Sean Hannity must die…Okay not die…but he should have to have sex with those hateful chicks while Juan looks on trying to figure what the hell is going.

I know…I know…this was incredibly mean-spirited of me, and I, unlike Hannity, do not think I am God, therefore I cannot make another person die.

However, Sean could kill me. Well, kill me in an indirect way.

You see, I often hear a promo for Hannity’s radio show that goes something like, “Listen to Sean weekdays from 3-6 and get Hannitized!!”

It should read more like this: “Listen to Sean weekdays from 3-6, and long to be euthanized.”

Oy, what a clown…Oh, there’s another thing about Hannity that I don’t like…

He smells like a bushel of rotten potato peels and onions that have been pickling for six months in a jar of Frankenstein’s urine.

Where did that come from and how do I know, you ask?

I have no idea, but it’s true, because I believe it.

Cheers!!

A Mosque Around Ground Zero? Fuck That!!

So…

Some towel heads want to build a mosque near the sacred ground where the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center towers once stood.

Sean “I Don’t Wear a Wedding Ring” Hannity and Michelle “If You Want To Chill Your Beer, Put It Between My Legs” Malkin, and other right wing knuckleheads are up in arms about this.

Me?

I really don’t give a shit.

Hell, put up a Baskin-Robbins for all I care. It’s just a piece of ground that some time ago got vaporized by some hateful nut jobs.

But…let me ask you this…If a Christian Church wanted to build a facility in the area would that be okay? Of course it would, because…

Christianity is where it’s at…or so Christians think, especially those of the Fundamentalist favor…and fervor.

I am a Christian, but you know what? I dislike many Christians because, well…many have some warped sense of Christianity.

In fact, many Christians have an incredibly fucked up take on Christianity, just as many Muslims have a fucked up view of Islam.

I know, Mohammed was a crazy man who allegedly was talked to by God (he was probably drunk on camel piss), and we Christians know his story not to be true.

And Mohammed, set forth this entire Muslim thing that just fucks up the world of Christianity, and the lives of every living, breathing, freedom loving American.

Anyhoo…

A mosque near the site of the 9-11 attack would be a thorn in the eye of our God. After all, God likes America best…at least that’s what I hear.

What a joke…God likes people based on their own merits, not their religious or political affiliation. And if I am wrong, and He doesn‘t, that’s not a God I give a damn about.

But, back to my original point…

Why do Americans, and people throughout the world feel the need to build memorials?

My mom and dad didn’t die in a horrific act of terrorism, but they are no less dead, and I am sure I miss them just as much as those who lost family who died in the 9/11 attacks.

Why can’t we just miss, honor, and celebrate the lives of those we miss without circus or cultural hyperbole?

Why can’t death be a solemn event of passing and tribute without political debate and posturing?

And…

Why can’t all religions be taken as faith and not as fact? After all…

Faith is much more powerful than fact, and to deny that, is to deny a very fundamental fact of life.

Cheers!!

Obama School Address: A Rebuttal By Matt-Man

Today, President Obama will address many of our sons and daughters who are beginning the new school year.

I have read the speech text. It is shocking. Obama implores the students to work hard, never give up, overcome difficulties, and study, study, study.

He has the nerve to tell our youth that if they apply themselves they could someday create a cure for cancer or AIDS.

He goes on to tell the students that if they develop critical thinking skills and their creativity, they may someday end poverty, discrimination, build businesses, and make America a better place.

Oh the nerve of that man…

Some administrators and parents are refusing to allow their kids to hear this outrageous back to school message from Obama and rightly so. However…

These children who are the spawn of parents who live according to the world of great Americans such as Glenn “Believe in Something Even if it’s Wrong” Beck and Michelle “I Wear Tons of Lipstick To Hide The Callouses I Got From Sucking The Pelvic Bones of John Birch’s Skeleton” Malkin, deserve a Back-to School address as well.

Fear not, my irrational, birther nation…I, Matt-Man, shall address your child. So gather them ‘round the computer and allow me to send them back to school with an inspiring message that is not a bunch of socialist, Obama drivel.

Hi Kids…Matt-Man, here.

I don’t care if you are kindergartener or a Senior in High School, life can be fraught with challenges and difficulties. Get used to it. Life is often arduous and for many of you, it will overwhelm you to the point where you need to rely on drugs and alcohol.

That’s okay, I can tell you…it’s not that bad of a way to go through life.

You can study as hard as you want…however, some of you may very well not “make it” in life.

In fact, most of you won’t. That’s the breaks. Sure, some of you may become doctors, lawyers, and entrepreneurs, but since Obama is hell bent on destroying our country, does it really matter?

And for those of you who think if you study really hard you could become President someday? Ha.

Your mom must have been drinking vodka and smoking crack while she was pregnant with you, because you’ve got no chance of that happening.

The only way any of you will have anything remotely in common with the Oval Office is if you happen to be a male student named, Dwight House.

Jeebus Christ kids…if your mom and dad have kept you from viewing the Obama message they have done you a big favor.

They, along with folks like Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Laura Ingraham are well aware that President Obama has screwed this country, turned it into a socialist state, and now like a pied piper is asking you to join him.

Youth of America!! Do NOT be fooled. Obama wants you to become part of his diabolical, Marxist-Muslim movement that may involve many of you being forced to participate in a ritual of testicle shaving and being commanded to eat food prepared by a British chef. Bastard.

Kids…your parents have already shown you that there is no need for critical thinking. Hell, critical thinking leads to problems.

You may not know this, but do you know how Mad Cow Disease got started? A mindless, herd following cow decided to think for his own bovine self. What did it get him?

He went fucking mad, and then ruined all of our beef…that delicious beef that us like minded folks just eat up. So…

Don’t try hard…Don’t study…Don’t think. If you do? Your mom, dad, and Glenn Beck will cry. We don’t want that do we?

Of course not…And, that’s my message to you. Now get out there and have the most unproductive school year you have ever had!!

Cheers!!

Hey Olbermann...Hey O'Reilly...Pundit This

I am pursuing a new career.

If it pans out, Bagwine Ruminations will be an integral part of it.

I am setting out today to become a political pundit. After all, there just aren't enough of them. Well, actually there are too many of them but…

There aren’t enough of them that actually say anything accurate, meaningful, or more importantly espouse any ideas that go against the grain of the talk show host with whom they are speaking.

For instance, former President Clinton adviser, gas bag, and Vegas hooker aficionado, Dick Morris, is consistently wrong on all of his “insightful” observations and predictions.

Holy Cow, I swear he pulls his shit out of the air!!

O’Reilly and other FOX News shows looooove having, Pay for Sex Dick on their shows because he likes to bash Democrats in general and the Clintons in particular.

It’s embarrassing to watch and listen to him slobber out his idiotic speculations as fact. I wanted to leave him a comment on his website to that effect, but one has to shell out 25 bucks in order to do so. Hey, he’s got to pay for the hookers somehow.

And then there’s Michelle Malkin, or as I call her…That Hate-Filled Bitch with the Fucked-Up Face.

She will gladly and maniacally rant on about anything for any right wing talker.

She loves the face time. It’s a shame that time and genetics don’t love her face.

On the left there are intellectuals giants such as Alan Colmes. Yeah, he’s a “heavy hitter”. Pfffft.

He’s as bland and mealy-mouthed as Michelle Mal-Content is ate up with paranoid rage. And…he’s mentally deficient.

Of course, there’s “liberal” Kirsten Powers. She’s kinda cute and appears on FOX…mainly because she is cute.

She writes for that bastion of journalistic integrity…The New York POST!! And, she was some mid-level trade rep employee in the Clinton administration.

That fact makes her, “credible”. Ha, whatever. She brings as much gravitas to a political debate as Steven Seagal does to a roundtable discussion on portraying Hamlet.

There are a myriad of other pundits, former advisers, and my favorite designation…Republican or Democratic “Strategist”. Ha!! What the fuck is that?

Hey, when I worked for the Ohio Department for Transportation, I worked under three different Governors. That means I worked for their administrations.

And…I have run more than a dozen political campaigns in life so…that makes me a Democratic “Strategist”!!

See? I have all of the qualifications I need in order to be a political pundit on TV, Bitches.

I am going to work on my resume and start sending out releases to all of the cable outlets.

And no host or network will be able to put my thoughts in a box.

When I talk to O’Reilly, I’ll say, “Listen, loofa boy, shut the hell up, quit lying, and let me speak. Why don’t you show some more stripper video and call it a report on culture.”

When on Hannity, I’ll tell Blockhead Sean that Obama is not out to sell our children to Islamic slave traders and he’s doesn’t hate the United States, and then I’ll say, “Go rim out Rush.”

When on Olbermann’s show, I’ll tell him…

“You really need to ease off the “anti-everything Republican” histrionics and get off the Bush crap. He’s not in office any longer, dumb ass. Go suck Obama’s dick, you know you want to.”

As for when I’m on Rachel Maddow’s show? That’s easy. I’ll simply say…

“I can’t believe I agreed to come on your show, ’cause your show really blows. Who the hell was the retard that gave you your own show?”

Geez…I’m off now, to build my pundit resume. When it’s ready, you guys will be the first to see it.

Cheers!!

Who Can It Be Now?

A month or so ago I thought this was going to be a uneventful summer…

A summer being passed out on the couch from too much Bagwine.

But now…

My Presidential campaign is beginning to get in gear. I have some outside work now. And last night, things really took off.

When I got home around 9:15, I poured myself a glass of Wild Irish Rose, fired up a smoke, and sat at my computer.

I was bummed at first because none of you Bagwine heads had emailed me with naked pics of yourselves, but then...

There was a rap upon the apartment door.

I answered it. Lo and Behold it was the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Needless to say, I was surprised, because…well…It was Christ of all people…and he hadn’t stopped by the Bagwine digs since Good Friday.

I asked him why he knocked, and came in through the door rather than just appearing…He said that he wanted to surprise me.

What a nut. We just talked for a few…made fun of Pastor Rod Parsley, Benny Hinn, and Joyce Meyer over of few blasts of Rose.

Hay-Zoos is a funny son of a bitch. He was telling me about the time he first met Mary Magdalene.

She said to him, “Are those the Twelve Tribes of Israel ‘neath ye robe, or art thou just joyful to see me?”

He said that he found her smoking hot and very funny so they had steamy, Messianic sex that very night.

He told me the funny thing was, the next morning when they awoke in each other’s arms, he put her sarcasm right back into her face.

He told Mary, “Wow, that was good, but I wish I had had a crucifix nailed to me ‘cause for a minute I thought I was going to fall in.”

HA…J-Man and I laughed our asses off. I asked him if Mary got mad.

He said, “Of course not, I’m Jesus, Bitch.” Hahahaha…He High-Fived me; we laughed again.

And then the Son of a Bitch, through the tears rolling down his face said to me...

“And then, hahahahaha, Matt-Man, I said unto Mary, ha, it’s okay if you gave me syphilis last night…I’ll just heal myself. Hahahahahaha.”

Christ is a Goddamn Hoot, I tell ya.

Man, had I missed him. But all good things come to a end.

He said, “I gotta be going. I have to go appear in one of Michelle Malkin’s dreams. Stupid ho, will probably mistake me for Osama Bin Laden…again.”

Before he left, I asked him if I would still be going to Heaven when I die.

He said to me, “Of course you will…You’re Matt-Man, Bitch!!”

Hahahahaha, more laughs and another Holy High-Five. I love that dude.

Shortly after my holy home boy scooted, the phone rang. It was an old pal asking me if I wanted to go camping with him.

Who was it?

Well, since tomorrow is Half-Nekkid Thursday, I guess you will have to come back Friday to find out.

Cheers!!

Would You Like A Jihad With Your Bagel?

For those of you who may have missed it in the news, Michelle Malkin is making waves again.

Now Michelle, in addition to being a paranoid, right-wing idiot in general, and a blathering, despicable bitch in particular…

Is also, in a superficial, and less than esoteric way, unpleasing to both the sense of sight and hearing.

She “broke” yet another story last week of shameful American corporate collusion with Islamo-Fascists.

She fingered Dunkin’ Donuts and their spokeswoman, the annoyingly present Rachel Ray as a tool of the “terrorists”.

You see, Rachel appeared in an ad for Dunkin’ Donuts wearing an alleged Keffiyeh, a scarf worn by Arabs and more specifically Palestinian terrorists.

Malkin, whose IQ is much lower than that of the price of a small cup of DD coffee, was shocked…Nay!! Outraged!!

Shit for brains Malkin, stated the following…

“The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos…The scarves are staples at anti-Israel rallies in San Francisco and Berkeley.”

Well, anyhow, Malkin made a stink of this, and Dunkin’ Donuts pulled the ad. To which crazy lady stated…

“It's refreshing to see an American company show sensitivity to the concerns of Americans opposed to Islamic jihad and its apologists.”

Oh glory to be to me and the Holy Baby Jeebus, I and my breakfast feel so much safer knowing that there isn’t an IED in my bagel.

Did I say bagel? Damn right I did. DD sells bagels!! A company that is threatening to Islamocize the world sells fricking bagels.

Hell, for all I know Dunkin’ Donuts also peddles a mean Abra-Ham and Cheese Omelet with a side of Moses Toast for a mere 4 shekels every day but Saturday. (see store for details)

Wow…Michelle Malkin is one flipped-out female of Filipino descent who is bat-shit crazy, not to mention the only competitor to Annthrax Coulter for the grand prize winner of "Who Wants to be a Crazy Person?!!"

If Dunkin’ Donuts was promoting Palestinian terrorists or any other kind, they would serve falafels, hummus, and dirt sandwiches.

Michelle, I know that you are married, and have a couple of kids, but c’mon; you need more dick in your life, and less Bill O’Reilly.

Have a great Tuesday, all.

I am taking Ryno to lunch today and it will be videotaped.

Cheers!!

Preventing Matt-Phistopheles

I am a sinner. Yes, I know that may shock some of you.

But I am. We are all sinners.

But, I ask, why do we sin and or stray from the straight and narrow?

Maybe because some folks have no belief at all in Hell and the consequences of their transgressions.

Others?

Well, perhaps those who do believe in eternal damnation, still cannot fully comprehend an eternity spent adrift upon some ambiguous sea of fire.

Perhaps, if we defined the consequences of Hell in more tangible terms, people would be much less apt to sin.

For instance, I would be a much better person if I knew that if I sinned, my eternal consequences might result in any of the following:

*Engaging in a ménage a trois with Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin.

All the while, a naked Bill O’Reilly stands in the corner singing “Born Free” into an amplified falafel.

*Spending eternity sitting in the front row at an Air Supply concert.

*Having an endless supply of bacon, mac ‘n’ cheese, and Wild Irish Rose presented to me, and my mouth has been sewn shut.

*Convexly, being force-fed an endless supply of bacon, mac ‘n’ cheese, and Wild Irish Rose, and my asshole has been sewn shut.

Every 48 hours I would spontaneously combust into a cloudburst of reddish-brown goo of Bagwine and fecal matter. Oy Vay!!

*Being strapped into a dentist’s chair and the dental assistant comes in and says, “Matt-Man, Dr. Stalin will be in shortly to perform your root canal.”

*I spend my time in bed with a half dozen nearly naked chicks with hot bodies. The problem?

They are in clown make-up. Their nipple pasties squirt vinegar.

And, when I get near their hoo-ha’s, I get hit in the face with a pie…

Literally, not metaphorically. Creepy.

So there you have it. These are some of the things that would straighten my ass out.

If I keep these consequences in mind, I will end up being just like Ferris Bueller, “A Righteous Dude.”

What would keep your base instincts in check?

Cheers!!