If It's November, It's Party Time!!

Welcome to November, you chuckleheads!!

This month is full of nothing but full throttle excitement. What do I mean? Now listen up, and dig it!!

First off, tomorrow, November 2nd , is Election Day. I know; I know…many of you who do vote, may have already voted, but me? I’m a purist.

Tomorrow I will walk to work at about 1:30 PM and on my way, stop at my polling place to let my nasally, twangy voice be heard in a political and metaphorical sense.

Strickland for Governor…yes!! Richard Cordray for Attorney General…yes!! All of the other races? Who the fuck cares!?

With any luck, I’ll be voting next to some hot, uptight, Conservative chick who is desperate for the high hard one, and is up for some chad dangling and cock-us-ing. I dig democracy in action.

Tuesday, November 9th is World Freedom Day and I plan on celebrating big time.

I’m going to go to work completely nekkid, pee in the streets, and grab a strangers tit in order to find out if I am truly free, or that the cops will be called and I find that true freedom is but a mere pipe dream.

November 11th is of course Veteran’s Day so...

I will honor the memory of those who have served in the defense of this great nation by buying a pair of Ralph Lauren Tyler Vintage Chinos which were $65.00 for only $10.99 at Macy’s Veteran’s Day Sale!! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!

What month doesn’t go by without another Jewish or Muslim holiday? November doesn’t disappoint, as we celebrate the Muslim holiday of Eid al-Adha. Damn right!!

Allahites everywhere will be honoring Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his son, Ishmael, to God, but was given the kinder, gentler option by the Great Googly Moogly of Godliness of being allowed to kill a ram…or goat…or something.

I will celebrate by instead of killing my son Ryno, butchering my cat, Corky. If you’d like to join me, let me know; we’ll nosh on some really tender pussy together.

The big one this month is of course, Thanksgiving.

Americans everywhere will be eating turkey, drinking wine, chowing down on pumpkin pie, and precipitating a myriad of domestic violence calls on November 25th.

I think it is wonderful and appropriate that Thanksgiving falls during the same month as Native American Indian Heritage Month.

I guess I should work in a trip to a casino and develop small pox along with a mild case of cirrhosis of the liver in honor of all the heap big chiefs and squaws this month as well. How!!

Oh guess what else happens in November…I’m With Stupid will be airing every Friday at 11 PM Eastern all through November.

Now Bitches…tell me that ain’t big!! Uh-huh, thought so.

Jay and I will provide you with all of your November humor this month. So get stupid with us every Friday. And…

In case you missed it, you can listen to our Halloween show that we did this past Friday right here:

Have a wunnerful Monday and an even better, fun-filled month of November.

Cheers!!

Veteran's Day 2009: Here's To The Unknown Veteran!!

As today is Veteran’s Day in the United States, I decided against offering the empty and obligatory, “Thank You for Your Service.”, bullshit.

Instead, I thought that I would go that meaningful extra mile in order to research and honor some Veterans who do not get the accolades that they deserve.

Corporal Randolph Agarn: From 1865 until 1867 Cpl. Agarn was an integral part in defending the U.S. Army base, Fort Courage located in Kansas.

Agarn was looked upon as a dimwitted stooge, but this was merely a ruse. He was skilled in the art of being a confidence man. Along with Sergeant O’Rourke, he managed to keep the feared Hekawi Indian tribe peaceful.

Not only did Agarn keep the Hekawi tribe complacent by selling them whiskey, his introduction of fire water to the Hekawi spread among all Indian tribes eventually quashing the red menace into nothing more than groups of drunken people who have for generations lived in alcohol induced poverty and self-loathing.

Thank you for your service Cpl. Agarn!!

1st Lieutenant Larry King: Oh sure many of you know Larry King as a talk show legend on CNN, but…

How many of you knew that when 23 years old, Lt. King served alongside Gen. George Washington in the Continental Army during the American Revolution? It’s truuue.

From 1778 until the end of the war in 1781, Lt. Larry King was Gen. Washington’s Public Information Crier. His impeccable service was defined by his line delivered during the Battle of Yorktown when he screamed at the enemy lines:

“Lord Cornwallis, London, England…You are in the throes of defeat with Gen. Washington and the Marquis de Lafayette, go ahead!!”

Thank you for your service Lt. King!!

Capt. Merrill Stubing: Yes, the avuncular Capt. Stubing for years commanded the cruise ship, The Pacific Princess, but prior to that, during the Vietnam War, Stubing was at the helm of the navy destroyer, U.S.S. Aaron Spelling.

For years, he and his crew successfully patrolled the Caribbean making certain that Vietcong insurgents did not infiltrate the gulf ports of Texas, Louisiana, and Mississippi under the guise of being simple, refugee shrimpers.

Thank you for your service Capt. Stubing!!

Lastly…

Staff Sergeant Peter “Prank-Man” Powers: Sgt. Powers was a marginal, obnoxious, non-descript, soldier at best, but in 1991 during the first Iraq Gulf War, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf personally tabbed him for a mission that gave the Allies a crucial edge.

The CIA had secured the direct phone number to Saddam Hussein’s Command and Control Center. Sgt. Powers was given the duty of continually tying up this Iraqi phone line with prank phone calls.

During the initial air invasion of Iraq, Powers prevented the Iraqis from ordering fighters to scramble and AA defenses to go up by calling the Command Center and goofing on them.

For a crucial one hour and sixteen minutes, Iraqi command center officers were unable to get their jets to scramble as an avalanche of American cruise missiles and warplanes approached, because they were too busy checking out Sgt. Powers' inquiry as to whether or not Mike Hunt was there.

Iraqi counter-attacks, re-routing of supplies, and orders to kill Kurds out of spite were unable to go through because Powers tied up the phone with such gems as:

Is this the person to whom I am speaking? Is your oasis running? I’m Reggie with the New York Times; could I interest you in a subscription? And of course…

Do you have Prince Albert Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti in a can?

Powers was a frickin’ genius and an unsung hero.

Thank you for your service Sgt. Powers.

Enjoy your Veterans Day, all. And please, don’t forget to check out the mattress sale at an authorized Serta dealer near you.

Cheers!!

Desultory Thoughts on a Tuesday

Yesterday at approximately 7:45 A.M., I posted that my weight had dropped from 184 pounds to 174 pounds.

Well lo and behold, between 7:45 A.M. and arriving at my Doctor’s appt. at 9:30 A.M., I had miraculously gained six pounds. The nurse weighed me in at the office at 180.

Yes, the scale at the Bagwine digs is obviously weighing users six pounds less than they actually are. Ha. I had a smile on my face all day at work in anticipation of passing on this fact to Schmoop.

At 4:15 yesterday afternoon my smile became reality as I told her about this finding. She quickly went into an apoplectic fit.

Quickly, her concern over my “rapid and monumental“ weight loss transformed into shock over her instantaneous six pound weight gain.

I tried to soothe Schmoop by telling her that her 5’7” inch frame looked just as good lugging around a more generous and robust 136 pounds as it did while walking on air at a more svelte 130 pounds.

Oddly enough my words of comfort did not help…

Carrie Prejean’s book comes out today.

Yes folks, Still Standing by Carrie Prejean is there for the taking.

Appearing on Sean Hannity’s show while humping her book last night, she talked about the sex tape she had made that ultimately forced her to drop her lawsuit against the Miss California pageant officials.

Prejean told Hannity that she was a mere teenager when she made an Auto-Erotic video for a boyfriend for whom she truly loved and cared.

She knows now it was mistake and it is an embarrassment to her especially considering she is a self-professed follower of Christ.

I have a couple of questions…She said that she was a teenager when she made this tape. Was she an adult of 19 or a minor of say, 17?

Either way, it’s not good, and in one scenario is probably technically a case of disseminating child porn.

Maybe she would be better off if she said that she made the tape in order to honor God for supplying her with such a hot bod. She could re-title her book:

Masturbating for the Messiah: Carrie Prejean’s Road to Salvation and Self-Fulfillment.

Lastly…

A Maudlin Alert!! Tomorrow is Veteran’s Day in the U.S.A. The blogosphere will be alive with the sound of lip service and “impassioned” tributes to those who have served in our Armed Services.

In general, Veterans’ Day (and Memorial Day) posts make me wretch.

The majority of posts that pay homage to servicemen and women are no more than a series of blurbs that are empty, self-placating attempts of people to show how much they “care” about those in the military.

Why do people feel compelled to do this? Hell, do what the vast majority of Americans do and put a magnetic ribbon on the back of your car that reads, “I Support The Troops”. Now THAT is moving…literally.

A warning to all…tomorrow, after seeing, In Flanders Fields posted for the 38th time...

I am going to stick hot knitting needles in my eyes, plunge my head into a pot of boiling water, and smoke a pack of Basic Full Flavor until my right lung explodes and I die.

Maybe the death of one, can save the memory and the honest reverance of those who have served.

Cheers!!

Veteran's Day: Our Unsung Hero

Today is Veteran’s Day.

A day when we honor those who have served in the defense of this great country.

We celebrate those who have served in not only peace time, but those who served in every American war from the Revolution to those now serving in Iraq and in Afghanistan.

As it should be…however, there is man fighting a war that should be recognized on this day as well, especially since we are entering the Christmas Holiday season.

That man? Bill O’Reilly. The Five-Star of Bethlehem General in the War on Christmas.

O’Reilly has been, for a few years now, waging war against the godless armies of secularism and political correctness and their attempts to perform a post-partum abortion on the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

His attacks against those who would dare attempt to rip apart the fabric of our Christian way of life, have been courageous, forthright, and for him, quite profitable.

John McCain? Sarah Palin? Mavericks? Pfffft. The real maverick is Bill O’Reilly. And he’s not just any maverick; he’s a Messianic Messiah.

O’Reilly will berate, castigate, and intimidate any department store chain that doesn’t allow their workers to say, “Merry Christmas” to the gift buying shoppers.

He will denunciate any school district that dares to hold a winter pageant rather than a Christmas play that involves awkwardly spoken lines by elementary school kids being heard by parents who would rather be at home knocking one off.

He is Patton, Santa Claus, and St. Peter rolled into one.

And his words, like that of a bell at Midnight Mass ring true…

“See, I think it's (The War on Christmas) all part of the secular progressive agenda…If you can get religion out, then you can pass secular progressive programs like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay marriage…”

This War on Christmas is a bloody one, but he will be the first to tell you that, there are no atheists in FOX-News holes.

In spite of all of our 43 (and now 44) Presidents being Christians, he knows that this attack on the birthday of the Baby Jeebus is just the latest in a series of persecutions upon the Christian faith in America.

On this Veteran’s Day, I salute you Bill O’Reilly and say to you, “Keep on fighting the good fight.”

If the power was vested in me, I would award O’Reilly not only the Congressional Medal of Holiness, but the Distinguished Marketing Cross as well.

Happy Veteran's Day, All.

Cheers!!