The Sweet, Sweet, Knight

Let me tell ya something. I was not in a good mood Monday, and then...

I received a package, (because God knows Schmoop says I don't have one) which was delivered via Fed Ex.

It was from this woman...The uber-lovely KNIGHT!!

Holy Shit...She is wonderful, hot, and young...okay, mainly in this instance quite wonderful. And she is.

She knew I recently lost my job and sent this perrrrrfect T-Shirt to my testosterone laden son...

She sent a box of voluptuous pasta noodles to me...

And...She sent something which I don't understand to Schmoop...


I think those oil things are either to light the lamps or to light me...Right?

Have a wunnerful day. Today I will be in Columbus with Crazy Cat Man Richard for the most of the day.

Wish me well, and as always...

Cheers!!

Thanks for everything Knight...We loved it!!

Christmas Is Sexy!!

Just because I'm in a mood and woke up hornier than a Priest at a Boy Scout Jamboree...

I think I'm in loooove...

Love the dark hair...

Cheers!!

Black Like Me and Ho Ho Ho

Yes, I don’t care how my numbers get crushed along with my soul…I need to pimp our show!!

Tonight on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio at 11 PM EST, Jay and myself will be getting jiggy wif it.

Did you pick up on my ghetto/negro talk?

Yeah, I said negro…What?

Got a problem with that, Mr. or Mrs. “I Feel Guilty About Being a White Person Who Enslaved Black People and Killed the Indians” Motherfucker?

I didn’t fuckin’ think so…

In fact, I hate the word, “negro”…not because it’s bad socially, but it’s just an ugly sounding word. I prefer to call them “blacks”.

And on I'm With Stupid tonight at 11 PM EST we will do just that because…

Jayman and I will be talking about the Sun Bowl where the U of M plays Notre Dame. Samuel L. Jackson will be chiming in, and I will profess my love for Tyra Banks…or something.

It’s gonna be unscripted, and it’s gonna be black. Hell…

They have the month of February why not give them part of December? Oh that’s right, they already have part of December with Kwaanza!!

Sneaky bastards…and I thought it was the Yellow Devils and their Chinese New Year who were so damn clever.

Anyhoo…

Tune into I’m With Stupid tonight at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio and listen, laugh, and call-in.

Itsa gonna be a good time. You can access our show page by clicking HERE.

Cheers!!

The Post Of Christmas Past...

One of my all-time favorite and touching Christmas posts that I wrote four years ago. FOUR fucking years ago people!! Enjoy...


Awhile back I wrote about changing the definition of sex. I changed the definition of have, having, and had sex to mean eat, eating, or ate a meal.

This has remained one of my most viewed posts even today, mainly because several perverts type in a Google search using the words, “Sex with Mom”.

If you are unfamiliar with the post, you can go to it here:

Damn I’m Starved, Wanna Have Sex?”

Anyhoo, in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I have altered the meaning of sex once again. I will offer you an insight into my life with following definition alterations. From now on, these are the rules…

Have Sex= Wrap presents
Having Sex= Wrapping presents
Had Sex= Wrapped presents

To wit, and heretofore are some real-life examples...

Back when I was a teen one Christmas Eve, my girlfriend, Sherri, and I were having sex in my bedroom when one of my brothers walked in.

He burst out laughing because Sherri and I were so sloppy and bad at it. Unfortunately, the little sneak also got a full frontal peak at what she was giving him for Christmas.

He left. We finished having sex, and I put a big bow on her box.

During the holiday season, I enjoy going to department stores and watching the young women behind the counter have sex. I don’t know how they do it.

They stand there 8-10 hours a day having sex in front complete strangers. I guess it is not really a bad gig. I mean having sex for 10 hours and getting paid for it, I may look into that.

When I was a wee lad, I remember one Christmas morn in particular. It was about 4 am, and I awoke with a thirst.

I straggled out to the fridge for a drink, and lo and behold, there were my mom and dad furiously having sex on the kitchen floor. Ribbon was flying everywhere, and without stopping, Dad told me to go back to bed.

One thing that always happens to me when having sex is that I run out of tape. It sucks because I can’t get the job done and nothing stays where it should. It’s really quite frustrating.

I remember another source of frustration as well. Back when I was a very young, left handed child, having sex was awkward and difficult for me. Fortunately, I had a number of older brothers and sisters who were always eager to lend me a hand. It was so nice of them.

Our family had a great time in those days. Our tightly knit clan would gather together to eat sausage balls, drink egg nog, and have sex as we listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing the Hallelujah Chorus over and over. Good times, good times.

Having sex can be one of the most joyous experiences of the holiday season. In fact, I hope that this weekend my son and his mom go out, buy me something nice, and then take it home and have sex.

What could be more pure and traditional than that?

Merry Christmas all, and if you’re in the neighborhood, stop by, because I would enjoy having sex with all of you.

Cheers!!

Radio-Thon for Ryno...A Star Studded Affair!!

It’s Thursday December 9th, and we have a ton of shit going on so let’s get to it, Bitches…

Okay, so tonight at 11 PM EST?

Jayman and I are doing a Blog Talk Radio Show…a VERY SPECIAL BTR Show on I’m With Stupid which features my poor, born-again son, Ryno.

Ryno's Christmas will suck because I was laid off by this man…


And Jay and I are doing a Radio-Thon for the recipient of his evil ways, my son, Ryno.

Hell…customers (such as Rich) come through, begging for my return to the Beer Mine as depicted by this sign on his truck…


Yet, due to economics and Mikey’s cold, cold heart, I remain a stay at home…loser!!

However…

Jay and I will, on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio tonight at 11 PM EST, make certain that Ryno has a wonderful Christmas with our…

Radio-Thon for Ryno, A Star Studded Affair!!

Jessica Alba, Samuel L. Jackson, Al Roker, and Justin Bieber will be there.

As will, Eve Plumb, Kanye West, Jack Jones, and Marilyn McCoo…

If you have a problem with THAT celebrity laden line-up…you have a problem with LIFE!!

Please help my kid out and celebrate the Christmas season by listening, calling in, and contributing to the Christmas Radio-Thon for Ryno.


We have plenty of surprises for you, so please tune in and surprise us, and Ryno, with your generosity.

Also, we will highlight our most splendid and unobtrusive College Bowl “Pick Em” Game which you can enter by clicking HERE. (Make sure to choose the “straight pick” line item.)

Fun and Prizes for the whole family.

Anyhoo…

Thursday at 11 PM EST we will celebrate all things Ryno and hopefully raise enough stuff to fulfill his Christmas wishes.

If you want to listen, call-in, or do both and even contribute, just click HERE and that link will waft you off to our radio page.

Until tonight at 11 PM EST…

Cheers!!

Al-Hijra: Happy Islamic New Year!!

Shoot those fireworks and bang those pots and pans Bitches, yesterday marked the month long Al-Hijra...the Islamic New Year!!

Wait a minute…pots and pans? Fireworks? Muslims? Let’s start over…

Fire off those AK-47s and detonate those IEDs Bitches, today is Al-Hijra, the Islamic New Year!! Yeah, that’s more like it.

Today, Muslims around the world will be entering another new year filled with the same old bitterness, self-loathing, and not knowing the joy of eating a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich.

Al-Hijra marks the day that the prophet Mohammed (or is that, Muhammad?) migrated to the city of Medina. While Al-Hijra is not a big day of celebration for the Muslims, it is a day that began a tenet and belief among many Muslims.

You see, when Mohammed arrived in Medina after a long, hot journey, not only was he hungry and thirsty, the schismatic bastard was hornier than hell.

He stopped at each tea house, brothel, and every 7th Century al-Disco club that he could find. He would say to the ladies, “Wanna come back to my place and watch me talk to God?”

Oh yeah baby…Mohammed or Muhammad, whatever, was killin’ with the Arabian babes. He took a slew of them for a Magic Mohammed Carpet Ride. By the break of dawn the next morning..?

Mohammed had done the nasty in camel style with six dozen hot, saucy Saudi chicks. Upon pulling his Muslim Meat Ka-Bob from the last of the six dozen babes he looked skyward and screamed:

“Praise be to Allah; I feel like I've died and gone to Heaven!!”

That is why today, Muslim men think that if they die in the name of Allah they will go to heaven and be received by 72 virgins.

But, other than that and like I said, the Islamic New Year is not a big deal to most Muslims.

Some mark it by drinking a special tea, others with a small gift, but most Muslims simply celebrate the day by taking the only bath that they'll have all year.

I guess it would be difficult for many Muslims ‘round the world to get excited about a new year. I mean, they know it will be just like the last...

A diet of dirt and hummus sandwiches, no alcohol, and the only entertainment is to listen to the incoherent wailing and shrieking of Islamic music on the radio.

Yeah, I can see their indifference to this holiday.

Hell they don’t even have a Baby New Year like we do in here in the States…

Isn’t he cute? Of course if the Islamic world did have a Baby New Year to mark this day, he’d wear his diaper a little differently…

Anyhoo…To all of my Muslim friends out there, of which I have none, Happy Al-Hijra. May all of your wildest dreams come true and your flocks be reproductive.

And now for something completely different…

Don't forget that tomorrow, Thursday the 9th, at 11 PM EST on I'm With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio...

Jayman and I will be holding a Christmas Radio-Thon for Ryno. And What is that, you ask?

My son is faced with his father, mainly me, being unemployed and faced with the brutal reality of not having a materialistic, yet meaningful Christmas.

So on Thursday at 11PM EST on I'm With Stupid we will be holding a Christmas Radio-Thon for Ryno.

We will have celebrities galore, a new Christmas song by yours truly, and live red-carpet interviews with the likes of Samuel L. Jackson, Justin Bieber, and ooo-la-la, Jessica "Go Ahead and Shit on Me, 'Cause I'll Eat It" Alba.

In fact, I caught up with Jessica, or Jess, as I call her, just the other day and she had this to say about our Radio-Thon for Ryno...

(click where it says twaud.io)


Thanks Jess, the interview was fun, but you owe me for a tin of Vienna Sausages and a package of Fruit Roll-Ups...Anyhoo...

If you, like Jessica Alba, would like to join us Thursday night at 11 PM EST, just click HERE, and it will take you to the I'm With Stupid radio page.

Until then...

Cheers!!

Light One Candle

There are about 8 or so posts that I repeat during a specific time of year; this one is perhaps the most bittersweet, yet heart-warming of those. It's about my late friend, Moseley, aka Bagwine Kringle, who died some three years ago...

Please join me, and remember him with me. Thank You...

Words cannot express the sorrow that I feel at this moment. No amount of tears can purge my soul of the loss. Bagwine Kringle gave so much to so many and his passing will be felt the world around.

It seems BK and a couple of his “elves” Tina and Dex, were busy wrapping presents for some of the less fortunate local kids.

While Tina and Dex selfishly ran next door to grab a sandwich, Kringle the workaholic that he is, ate what he had on hand and continued the Christmas assemblage.

He was hurriedly gulping down some Salmon Fancy Feast cat food and evidently began to choke on a small bone, because when Tina and Dex returned, he was lying on the floor gasping for air.

Dex called the paramedics while Tina tried to ply Kringle with some Wild Irish Rose to relax his throat muscles.

She quickly found out that that was not the best idea.

He spewed out a mixture of WIR and bile that resembled a poorly made marinara sauce with a stench reminiscent of bandicoot urine.

Although nearing death, he was with his two best friends.

BK was with his dear friend Tina, whose street name is Bowling Ball. Tina is a 48 year old prostitute with large breasts, two prosthetic legs, and a glass eye.

Her seductive wiles are legendary. Oh sure, some women can spread their legs really wide, but Tina can take hers completely off.

She is also very accommodating. If a client is feeling extremely kinky, she will pop out her glass eye, and let him give her, shall we say...a facial.

Tina is one who gives and gives, and that is why she and Bagwine Kringle were pals.

And then, there's good ol’ Dex Lexler, or Sarge, as BK called him. He was never in the military, but BK always kidded him that he looked like the dog from Beetle Bailey.

I know, the dog’s name was actually Otto, but BK was close. Those two shared so many of the same traits…compassion, generosity, and cirrhosis of the liver.

They were of one mind inside of two bodies and now sadly, they are half the men they use to be…or something like that.

I guess when the paramedics arrived, BK was nearly expired. His lungs raled bilaterally, desperately gasping for air, but it was not to be.

Tina and Sarge looked down upon BK as they sobbed unrelentingly.

And then, as the medics placed him on the cart, Bagwine Kringle looked at his friends with that familiar twinkle in his good eye, and with his final breath said...

“Don’t cry for me Sarge and Tina.”

I miss you Bagwine Kringle, here's a toast to you....

Cheers!!

Let Them Know It's Christmas Time

Today I begin my first full week of being on the public dole. It’s sad, but as I said upon finding out last week, it’s much harder on the little ones.

Especially at Christmas time.

I spent some time with my son Ryno Sunday night. The poor fellow…he’s very unnerved by my untimely occupational misfortune.

After some time discussing the situation and sharing more than a few tears, Ryno went over to his sparsely decorated Christmas tree, kneeled down beside it, and while choking back his despair, and asked…


“Daddy? Will we still have Christmas? Will We?”

As my heart sank, my hands trembled, and my thoughts turned to the Little Baby Jesus, I said to Ryno…

“As God as my witness, you will have Christmas no matter what. In fact, my pal Jayman and I have already discussed how we are going to make it happen.”

Yes folks…This Thursday at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, Jayman and I will be holding a Radio-Thon for Ryno!!

We’re going to make certain that this Christmas is the best one ever for a kid, who simply goes through life with love in his heart and hope for the future.

Wouldn’t you like to help us, help a precious child...like Ryno?

Of course you would, and we know you will, because we know that the spirit of Santa and the natal Nazarene dwells within your hearts…and your souls.

So ladies and gentlemen join Jay and myself Thursday at 11 PM EST (That’s right Thursday!!) on I’m With Stupid and help us spread the Christmas joy to a worried little boy.

We will have celebrities galore chiming in, a new Christmas song, and we will be taking your calls and your Christmas pledges for I’m With Stupid’s favorite son....

my son, Ryno.

Make sure to tune in Thursday and help us to shine the light of Christmas upon Ryno…


Even Justin Bieber is helping out…

(Click where it says: "twaud.io)

You can go to our I’m with Stupid Radio page by clicking HERE.

And if you do, check out our Hanukkah Special from last week. It was really good, until I decided to join Moses for a walk through the wilderness and never returned…

Have a wonderful Monday, and c’mon….share the spirit with a babe in need.

Cheers!!

I'm With Stupid: Happy Hanukkahpalooza, Bitches!!

It’s Friiiiiday so let’s get jiggy with it!!

Tonight at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, Jayman and myself will be celebrating Hanukkah.

Damn right and Oy Vay!!

We will be getting our Jewish on as we discuss the beauty of the knish, the beauty of Natalie Portman and Sarah Silverman, and of course, the horror that is Antiochus IV.

Jayman has an interview with Mizz Portman, we have some news blow outs that will make your mind explode and…

We have a sponsor for this week’s show…

Damn right…The Christmas toy that is soon to be sweeping the nation will unveil itself on tonight’s show.

How can we compact all of this excitement into an hour? We don’t know either, but Praise to the Maccabee Children, we shall try.

We will also have a semi-live sports report…

My beloved Ryno has his first varsity High School basketball game tonight, and…with the team’s big guy out with an ankle injury, he may start.
We will have all the stats and scores when you listen in to I'm With Stupid at 11 PM EST.

Speaking of Ryno…He said something to me on the way to school yesterday. He said…

“Dad, Mom told me you got laid off. I just have to ask…Daddy, will there still be Christmas?”

I wept.

Oh sure, I can survive. Schmoop and I will muddle through during my unemployment, but really…

It’s the little ones who suffer. And folks, my Ryno is suffering.

It’s all about the children, and at times like these…it hurts.

Have a wonderful day and as always…

Cheers!!

Happy 18th Birthday Miley Cyrus!!

People across America are asscited because later this week, many across this fine nation, will delight in a four day weekend beginning with Thanksgiving on Thursday.

Thursday for many, will be a day off full of food, drink, football and, fun, yet violent domestic violence calls.

On Friday, also known as Black Friday…

Millions of Baby Jeebus lovin’ Americans sporting NASCAR ball caps, I Heart Sarah Palin T-Shirts, and pajama bottoms will storm the doors of Wal*Mart at 0500 and lay down cash for a well priced Wii while using their welfare debit card to pay for a three month supply of frozen pizzas and Little Debbie snack cakes.

After all, what’s a good game on the Wii or Xbox without something to nosh on!? Well, one must have a drink as well, so add a case of Mello Yello and Tahitian Treat to the public bill of fare as well.

Anyhoo…

It’s the official kick-off to the Christmas Season, but as for me?

My Thanksgiving feast and kick-off to the 2010 Christmas Season begin today, November 23rd. For on this day, Miley Cyrus turns 18 and becomes legal and oh so tender.

That’s right my friends…

Eighteen years ago, Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife Tish Ray Cyrus watched excitedly as the lovely Miley popped out from Mrs. Ray Cyrus’ vagina.

After the medical team employed Billy Ray’s mullet to wipe the placenta residue from Miley’s face, it was apparent to all, that this child was on her Hollywood Walk of Fame path to stardom.

Ever since I came across pictures of Miley Cyrus during a late night Google Image search that accidentally contained the words, “Hot 12 Year Old Babes”, I have been enthralled by Miley’s beauty.

And now, six years later…I no longer have to fear Chris Hansen and public scorn hide my very adult feelings for Miley.

Today I can openly and gleefully say…

I long for Miley’s misshapen cheeks, her crooked front tooth, her small yet oh so nubile breastesses, as well the adipose tissue that lies sensually above her pubic bone.

Indeed my friends, indeed. For me, Christmas has already come…several times over.

I have even written a Christmas song for Miley, and I hope that perhaps she, in all of her new found adulthood, will come to Bagwine and record it with me.

It’s called, “I Came Upon You at Midnight Dear.”

That would make for the bestest Christmas ever. So Miley Cyrus, my dear…

When you blow out the candles on your cake today, think of it as your Emancipation Proclamation from sexual bondage.

And think of me as your Great Emancipator. In fact…

You and I can get naked tonight and play a sweaty game of, Newly Freed Slave Girl and The Horny Abolitionist!!

While you are on top of me riding my rock hard 13th Amend-meat to the land of milk, honey, and womanhood, I want to hear you scream to the world…

“Free Me, Abra-Matt Lincoln, Free Me!!”

So I shall, Miley, So I shall.

Happy 18th Birthday to Miley Cyrus.

Working a long one at the Beer Mine today, so I shall see you all later tonight or early Wednesday.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Up and Down

It’s going to be a warm and windy Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio today making my stint at the Beer Mine from 11-7 relatively comfortable.

Let me tell ya; that will be more than welcome as yesterday at the Mine was full of many ups and downs.

Early in the day Drive-By Mikey called me and we discussed the abysmal state of beer sales in Bagwine.

I think that due to the economy, people have turned to cooking their own meth instead of drinking. I am going to try to confirm my hypothesis by checking to see if sales of Sterno and Sudafed are on the rise.

After our depressing conversation, I looked out to the lot and there in their van sat Ryno and his mom. My mood improved.

Ryno’s mom and I held our weekly exchange. I gave her 130 dollars and she gave me a Double Cheeseburger and a cup of coffee. As that trade-off demonstrates, I am one helluva wily negotiator.

Eh, my mood improved as Ryno described how well he played during his basketball scrimmage that they had just come from.

And then…Ryno pulled out his Interim Report Card. My heart sank briefly as I envisioned his usual cadre of C’s, D’s, and F’s, and then I opened it up.

Praise Jeebus!! He had 4 A’s, a B, and 2 C’s. Hopefully, he has broken his habitual academic laziness for good. My mood was pretty good upon seeing the grades.

And then my mind wandered back to the state of my employment as I noticed the lack of business coming through the Mine.

Eh…Later in the day shortly after the sun had gone down, I was waiting on a guy and the car behind him freaked the shit right out of me.

I noticed a police officer in an unmarked car. Sitting…Idling…Staring. I thought to myself…

“Fuck. Did I sell to a minor?”

Panic set in, as in a matter of 2.3 seconds, I recalled every customer that had come through on Saturday.

He pulled up, rolled down his window, and in quite the official tone said, “Good Evening, Sir.”

I thought, “Oh Boy, here comes the other shoe.”

Turns out that he wasn’t there to arrest me for mistakenly selling a can of Steel Reserve to an eight year old with a beard which made me happy, however…

Instead he was there to alert me to the fact that several Drive-Thrus in Bagwine had recently been robbed at gunpoint. Weeeeeeee. Put a happy hat on me after that info!!

So much for the short lived joy of my non-arrest…I had another thing to worry about. And worry I did.

Instead of truly paying attention to what I was doing, I was watching the street while waiting on customers.

In fact I was so distracted, that last night’s drawer could very well be off hundreds of dollars. Not literally, but you get the point.

I was focused on the perimeter of the Mine not the money I was handling.

And then…

My rollercoaster of emotions got a bit of a lift about an hour before close. A regular came through and told me how his girlfriend had just told him that I was the best Drive-Thru guy on the planet.

That was nice. I smiled as I paced around the outside of the building keeping an eye out for neer-do-wells.

My nervousness was broken with a laugh as I waited on a hot, barely 18 year chick and her hot friend just before close.

The chick wanted cigarettes. I carded her and upon seeing she had turned 18 last month I sold them to her and then she asked…

“Hey, you wouldn’t mind selling me a 24 ounce Corona, would ya?” To which I responded…

“Sure dear.”

With happiness beaming from her face with the light of a thousand suns she said…

“Really!!?” And I chuckled and retorted…

“No.”

Ha!! As she drove off, she didn’t know whether to laugh at me or be pissed off at me. I like leaving that impression on people.

In a muck and mire of up and downs I drove home and walked into the digs at around 9:10 and was greeted with this:


(Check out the orb that showed up in the picture. We have spirits living in the digs.!!)

Yep. Christmas has come to Bagwine. In spite of her disdain for Christmas, Schmoop had decorated the apartment for Christmas because she knows I dig it.

After a few beers and a pint of Rose, I thanked Schmoop…Twice!!

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sunday and I’ll see ya ‘round the internets after work and my Sunday night visit to Ryno.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: A Personal Dichotomy

It’s going to be a snowy and blustery day in Bagwine, Ohio this Sabbath.

As I am manning the Beer Mine from 11-7 today, I ask for your prayers that the warmth and glow of the newly born Baby Jeebus keep me warm.

Funny thing about this time of year…

Christmas is over, but most folks are still in a good mood.

Maybe it’s the lingering aura of the Messiah’s afterbirth lying on the straw strewn floor of a Galilean manger; perhaps it’s more the anticipation of the New Year.

Who knows why the joy of Christmas lingers..?

Whether it’s a glob of supernatural, pacifistic placenta or the hopes of getting laid on New Year’s Eve, this time of year is wonderful.

I think that between the Nazarean Natality being celebrated (whether one believes or not), and the coming of the New Year, many people look at this time as a fresh start.

I dig the attitudes of the people that I encounter at this time of year. The sarcasm is softer. The cuss words are fewer…

My attempts of getting hot chicks that come through the Beer Mine to sleep with me, are met with a chuckle rather than a call to the police.

This is one of the few times that we celebrate the death and ending of something rather than mourning its passing. Its quite an odd, yet joyous time.

I am one who does not celebrate the passing of anything or anyone. Oh sure, when Jerry Falwell died, some said that I was glib and almost happy about it.

I was NOT happy about it. In fact, when Falwell keeled over, I was in grief over the fact that the Devil now had another foot soldier to serve within his army of sin.

I dread the day that Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, and Rod Parsley kick the offertory bucket. When they do…Satan will have the group he once only dreamed of. But I digress…

Anyhoo…I don’t know where I was going with this. Maybe it is just a way to innoculate you to the fact that with the coming New Year, I may be introspective this week.

I know how you hate it when I am introspective rather being one who spews my 13 year old kid humor. So, I thought I’d give ya all a heads up.

Until tomorrow my friends…

Cheers!!

Christmas Is Over But The Party Goes On

Christmas is over and I hope yours was all that you hoped it would be and more.

Actually, I hope it wasn’t more than you wanted it to be because that would be just selfish. And that is soooo, anti-Christmas.

Of course the holidays continue what with New Year’s Eve fast approaching and today marks the beginning of Kwanzaa.

So, be on the look out for Bantu Claus going house to house tonight dropping off toys to good little black kids, and stealing flat screen TV’s from their crack smoking parents, or more accurately...their parent.

For my full take on Kwanzaa you can click HERE. It is pretty funny, if not incredibly offensive.

Anyhoo… I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t mention my Christmas.

Our family gala Christmas Eve was fun as always and my Creamy Christmas Pasta Salad was a big hit. No, I’m not kidding…everyone dug it, and dug into it like a pack of ravenous wolves.

I stayed all night as I always do on Christmas Eve with Ryno and his mom. Being the selfless motherfucker that I am, I cooked them breakfast Christmas morning, and then Ryno opened his presents.

He got some great stuff such as Glow in the Dark boxers…large sums of cash…a new basketball, and center court tickets to a Cleveland Cavaliers basketball game on February 6th among a ton of other stuff.

Other than the tickets to the game, his favorite present was a winter hat that he had requested. His grandma refuse to buy it because she would not be responsible for him wearing it.

No fears, Mom came through and here’s the end result…

Tres Chic, no? It’s as if my son wanted a hat that says, “Hey world!! Look at me and my funniness!!” I have no idea from whom he gets that attitude. But, the hat looks so bad that it looks good on him.

The rest of Christmas Day here at the Bagwine digs consisted of Schmoop and I just hanging out and tipping a few with her brother Dave who stopped by.

We also stopped by Pizza Bill’s house briefly in order to pick up one of his uber-delicious pizzas. I thank him for taking the time to make it for us, on Christmas Day no less.

We were also fortunate enough to receive a Christmas phone call from the lady who is the catalyst for my nocturnal emissions…Dianne.

I only talked to Dianne for a short time as the conversation was hijacked by Schmoop and Di rattling on with each other.

Schmoop was thrilled to get to speak with Dianne’s son, her son that Schmoop finds incredibly hot. So nice.

When Di’s son was summoned to talk to Schmoop on the phone, her son asked, “Who am I talking to Mom?” To which Dianne replied without hesitation…

“It’s the girlfriend of the man that your mom wants to have sex with.” So warm, so Christmassy, so Dianne.

There you have it my friends…I hope your day was a good one.

Today I am back to work, but only from 11-4, so later today the revelry shall begin anew and hopefully I will have sex for the second day in a row. That would be quite a feat…for me.

Cheers!!

Creamy Christmas Pasta Salad: Part Threux

Tetelestai!! It is done.

My Creamy Christmas Pasta Salad is finished and chillin' in the fridge.

Call me a gay man all you want...There's goin' to be some hot chicks eatin' my culinary works tonight.

The best thing?

They're all related to me.

Merry Christmas, my friends.

Cheers!!

Creamy Christmas Pasta Salad: Part Deux

The noodles are done. Don't they look festive? Of course they do.


Time to cut, chop, and mix the guts of this Noel-a-Licious invention.

By the way...

I just called my 15 year old son, Ryno, and told him what time to be ready for me and what I was making for the party tonight.

I told him how I took the time to dye my noodles. His reply was as follows:

"Dad, you are the gayest man I know."

Is that what Christmas is all about or what?

More later, and scroll down to follow the entire recipe process.

Cheers!!

Creamy Christmas Pasta Salad

Merry Christmas, Bitches...It's time to make Creamy Christmas Pasta Salad for the Mahoney Family Christmas Party later today...

I soaked my Egg Noodles overnight. Half of them in red food coloring, and the other half in green food coloring...


Here's the ingredients that I will be using.

The vegetables are hidden by the salami, but they include peas, carrots, green beans, and limas.

I am also adding a three pepper and onion blend.

The noodles are a-boiling...More later!!

Cheers!!

The Twelve Days of Christmas...Bagwine Style

I was going to re-record today’s Bagwine Christmas Classic, but when I got home from work Tuesday night, I was far too tired and Schmoop was far too deep into her much needed beauty sleep.

So…

I will just go with the original recording that took place in 2007. After all, tradition is a major part of the Christmas Season, right? RIGHT!?

Without any further verbal meandering by me, I give you, Matt-Man’s Twelve Days of Christmas. Enjoy…or don’t.

On the first day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
A cure for his social disease

On the second day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Two rubber gloves

On the third day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Three French whores

On the fourth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Foreplay for hours

One the fifth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Five Penis Rings…

On the sixth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Six cheeks a-spreading

On the seventh day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Seven Chinese Baskets

On the eighth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Eight maids a-milking (How can I improve upon that!?)

On the ninth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Nine minutes resting

On the tenth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Ten hidden cameras

On the eleventh day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Eleven Viagra tablets

On the twelfth day of Christmas the Matt-Man did receive
Twelve kegs of Bagwine

Well Bitches, I am off until Saturday morning, so it is now time to get my full frontal Christmas spirit on.

How will I do that you ask? By penning a Christmas message of joy, hope, and inspiration today that I can post tomorrow, Christmas Eve.

I will find the words of my Christmas message by searching my soul, trusting my heart, and channeling the Holy Baby Jeebus…

Of course, a fifth of Wild Irish Rose couldn’t hurt the message either.

Cheers!!

Wrap It Up, I'll Take It!!

Back in 2006, I began altering the definition of what sex consisted of. Like the 12 year old that I am, I have always found this experiment amusing. What follows, is my Christmas edition of sex change definitions. Enjoy…

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I have altered the meaning of sex once again. I will offer you an insight into my life with following definition alterations. From now on, these are the rules…

Have Sex= Wrap presents
Having Sex= Wrapping presents
Had Sex= Wrapped presents

To wit, and heretofore is the following.

Back when I was a teen one Christmas Eve, my girlfriend, Sherri, and I were having sex in my bedroom when one of my brothers walked in. He burst out laughing because Sherri and I were so sloppy and bad at having sex.

Unfortunately, when the bastard walked in on us, he not only got a good laugh, he also got a full frontal peak at what she was giving him for Christmas. He left. We finished having sex, and I put a big bow on her box.

During the holiday season, I enjoy going to department stores and watching the young women behind the counter have sex. I don’t know how they do it.

They stand there 8-10 hours a day having sex in front complete strangers. It’s adorable watching the young boys and girls watch the chicks have sex with Daddy’s package.

I guess it is not really a bad gig. I mean having sex for 10 hours and getting paid for it, I may look into that.

When I was a wee lad, I remember one Christmas morn in particular. It was about 4 A.M., and I awoke with a thirst.

I straggled out to the fridge for a drink, and lo and behold, there were my mom and dad furiously having sex on the kitchen floor. Ribbon was flying everywhere, and without stopping, Dad told me to go back to bed.

One thing that always happens to me when having sex is that I run out of tape. It sucks because I can’t get the job done and nothing stays where it should. It’s really quite frustrating.

I remember another source of frustration as well. Back when I was a very young, left handed child, having sex was awkward and difficult for me.

Fortunately I had a number of older brothers and sisters who were always eager to lend me a hand. It was so nice of them.

Our family had a great time in those days. Our tightly knit clan would gather together to eat sausage balls, drink eggnog, and have sex as we listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing the Hallelujah Chorus over and over. Good times, good times.

Having sex can be one of the most joyous experiences of the holiday season.

In fact, I hope that this weekend my son and his mom went out to buy me something nice, and then took it home and had sex together.

What could be more pure and traditional than Ryno and his mom having sex? Nothing...or maybe there could be...

When I pick Ryno up this Thursday maybe he and I will have to time to grab hold of his mom's present and have sex together as well. I'll try to make it happen.

And by the way, friends...

We still have a couple of days until Christmas. If you’re in the neighborhood, stop by, because I have gotten pretty good at having sex over the years, so if you need it, I would love to help you have sex too.

Cheers!!

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer? Hardly. Here's What Really Happened...

On this shortest day of the year, and due to the fact that I work early this afternoon, I offer you a brief song.

It is a 2 minute and 3 second piece of musical Christmas joy that I wrote and recorded some two years ago.

Ladies and Gentlemen…

Grandpa Got His Herpes From a Reindeer

Grandpa got his herpes from a reindeer
Coming home last year on Christmas Day
Please don’t be too hard on poor old Grandpa
The reindeer got him drunk, and had her way

I guess there was at least one witness
Who saw the carnage, and the grief
Said, there were hooves and arms a’flyin’
And Grandpa, eating venison without his teeth

He said it soon became a three way
As the deer she got on top
She was a grindin’ on Grandpa’s Yule log
While her tongue was makin’ love to a big salt block

Grandpa got his herpes from a reindeer
Coming home last year on Christmas Day
Please don’t be too hard on poor old Grandpa
The reindeer got him drunk, and had her way

And now the worst part of the story
Grandma’s drowning in her tears
‘Cause this year at our holiday table
Sits a yearling with doe-y eyes and Grandpa’s ears

Grandpa got his herpes from a reindeer
Coming home last year on Christmas Day
Please don’t be too hard on poor old Grandpa
The reindeer got him drunk, and had her way

I hope you all have a lovely Monday. I have one more Bagwine Christmas Classic left and by golly I may re-record just for all y’all and put it up by Wednesday.

Until then…

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Almost Party Time. Where's My Side Dish?

It’s going to be a cloudy and cold Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today. But my friends…

There are twelve packs and cases of libation to be doled out, thus I shall be working the Beer Mine from 11-7 today.

I work Monday and Tuesday too, but then, Bitches…I am off three days in a row. Three days in a row which include Christmas Eve and Holy Baby Jeebus Day itself. Boo Yah!!

I…Am…Asscited!!

Christmas Eve will be spent whooping it up at my brother Marty’s house. You know, the house with a big yard that has a pond and room for a pony.

All the Mahoney boys and girls will be on hand to eat, make fun of each other, and consume copious amounts of wassail.

Ryno shall be by my side, although a-wassailing he shall not go. He’ll just help to make fun of others and eat…and eat…and eat.

We will be feasting on hot roast beef sandwiches, chili, party trays, and grog. I have been called upon to bring some type of side dish.

I have considered taking one of the many dishes I have invented over the years. Hamburger Stuffing…Black Bean, Corn, and Green Onion medley…Brussel Sprout and Creamed Pea Casserole.

I have settled on the following. Creamy Christmas Pasta Salad!! I drew up this culinary delight in my mind only yesterday, and it is sure to be a hit.

What goes in it, you ask? Allow me to tell you.

I make my own pasta salad (none of that box shit). And I start off with my favorite pasta type food. Spaghetti, vermicelli, rotini, fine pastas one and all, but for me nothing beats the wondrous beauty of…THE EGG NOODLE!!

For my salad, I boil up egg noodles and let them cool. I add mixed vegetables (carrots, peas, onion, baby limas, and diced tomato), black olives, kidney beans, and bacon.

I then mix in sour cream and ranch dressing, and let it chill in the fridge. Voila!!

However, I have added a twist in order to make this Creamy Pasta Salad a Creamy CHRISTMAS Pasta Salad.

I am going to soak the egg noodles in food coloring first. Half the noodles will be colored red and the other half green. Brilliant, no!?

I wasn’t sure if pasta would color well, so at 6:45 this morning I put some elbow macaroni in a small bowl and added some food color…

The result? Eureka!!

I am a fucking genius, Praise Jeebus!!

So there you have it my friends. I will be certain to take pictures of the end product. I will be making it Wednesday so it can sit in the fridge overnight and be ready for the Mahoney Yule Bash on Thursday.

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sunday, all. I will be posting a Bagwine Classic Christmas song tomorrow so until then…

Cheers!!