The Declaration of Independence: A Bagwine History Lesson

So, today begins a Bagwine celebration of our nation’s 234th year of independence.

As he was Ben Franklin’s press secretary, I tried to get Larry King to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth.

Unfortunately, Larry King was tied up announcing his retirement from CNN...finally.

Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…

A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.

It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.

It is also a time when normally motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.

I do, so love America!!

I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.

Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maud) were the main writers.

Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions while in a drunken, but brilliant stupor.

TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”

Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

That suggestion was accepted after Jefferson initially shot down Franklin’s original idea of having the document read:

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Ben rocked.

Another little known fact is that while Patrick Henry was not a signer of the Declaration of Independence, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.

It read as follows…

“Yo, G-Man, sally forth, and go fuck thyself, you wig wearin‘ bitch. You‘re no King. You‘re a Princess, you girly man, you.”

Sadly, it wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.

Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” has been edited over the years.

His actual quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”

Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!

The rest of this week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!

Cheers!!

Carrie Prejean on Larry King Live: Signs of the Apocalypse

I wish I could have had this post up earlier but a rough night at work played havoc on my less than healthy body, but such is life.

Several things happened yesterday and more so last night that to me, appear to be signs of The Apocalypse.

Lou Dobbs, longtime CNN giant talking head resigned on air last night. What’s the big deal you ask? Lou Dobbs taking himself and his ego which is even bigger than his gigantic noggin off of TV goes against the grain of normalcy.

Lou leaving a medium which allows him to TIVO himself and continuously masturbate while listening to his drivel is like Sean “My Hair is Made of Formica” Hannity saying that he made a mistake.

D’oh…Wait a minute…

Hannity did just that last night. Jon Stewart pointed out on The Daily Show that Hannity showed video of thousands of people from Glenn Beck’s 9-12 protest while claiming it was the crowd gathered last week for Michele Bachman’s Anti-Health Care rally.

Holy Cow!! Hannity said that Stewart was right and apologized on air. WTF? I smell the Devil’s work at hand. After all…

You can’t spell Sean Hannity without S-A-T-A-N.

I heard yesterday that Ashlee Simpson will be playing Roxie Hart on Broadway in the musical Chicago. Ashlee Simpson on Broadway? Is Carrot Top’s debut next? Fortunately, she won’t be singing.

You see, even though the Devil is at work here, even the Prince of Darkness cannot bear to hear her butcher a fine musical score.

Another thing…On Larry King Live last night, Carrie Prejean took her mic off, and nearly walked out on an interview conducted by Larry.

Prejean said that Larry and his “hard hitting” questions were inappropriate, and she ripped off her microphone, and momentarily halted the interview.

When a young woman who is shielded in the armor of Christ is beaten down by a 288 year old man who sheds white spittle from the corners of his mouth and wears suspenders, I know that the end is nigh.

While pondering these events that led me to believe that the Apocalypse is approaching, I, trembling and sweating grabbed my Bible and began to pray to Jeebus. I said…

“Jeebus!! Please…In all of your goodness and glory show me a sign that the Earthly world has not completely turned upside down, and humanity will surely live for years to come.”

Seconds after my entreaty left my lips and had dissipated into the heavens, I received such a sign.

On my TV, appeared a breaking news report that in the Los Angeles airport, Mike Tyson had just punched a photographer in the face.

Normalcy had returned to the world. I sighed in relief, stretched out on the couch, and slumbered in peace.

Praise be to God.

Cheers!!

Veteran's Day 2009: Here's To The Unknown Veteran!!

As today is Veteran’s Day in the United States, I decided against offering the empty and obligatory, “Thank You for Your Service.”, bullshit.

Instead, I thought that I would go that meaningful extra mile in order to research and honor some Veterans who do not get the accolades that they deserve.

Corporal Randolph Agarn: From 1865 until 1867 Cpl. Agarn was an integral part in defending the U.S. Army base, Fort Courage located in Kansas.

Agarn was looked upon as a dimwitted stooge, but this was merely a ruse. He was skilled in the art of being a confidence man. Along with Sergeant O’Rourke, he managed to keep the feared Hekawi Indian tribe peaceful.

Not only did Agarn keep the Hekawi tribe complacent by selling them whiskey, his introduction of fire water to the Hekawi spread among all Indian tribes eventually quashing the red menace into nothing more than groups of drunken people who have for generations lived in alcohol induced poverty and self-loathing.

Thank you for your service Cpl. Agarn!!

1st Lieutenant Larry King: Oh sure many of you know Larry King as a talk show legend on CNN, but…

How many of you knew that when 23 years old, Lt. King served alongside Gen. George Washington in the Continental Army during the American Revolution? It’s truuue.

From 1778 until the end of the war in 1781, Lt. Larry King was Gen. Washington’s Public Information Crier. His impeccable service was defined by his line delivered during the Battle of Yorktown when he screamed at the enemy lines:

“Lord Cornwallis, London, England…You are in the throes of defeat with Gen. Washington and the Marquis de Lafayette, go ahead!!”

Thank you for your service Lt. King!!

Capt. Merrill Stubing: Yes, the avuncular Capt. Stubing for years commanded the cruise ship, The Pacific Princess, but prior to that, during the Vietnam War, Stubing was at the helm of the navy destroyer, U.S.S. Aaron Spelling.

For years, he and his crew successfully patrolled the Caribbean making certain that Vietcong insurgents did not infiltrate the gulf ports of Texas, Louisiana, and Mississippi under the guise of being simple, refugee shrimpers.

Thank you for your service Capt. Stubing!!

Lastly…

Staff Sergeant Peter “Prank-Man” Powers: Sgt. Powers was a marginal, obnoxious, non-descript, soldier at best, but in 1991 during the first Iraq Gulf War, Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf personally tabbed him for a mission that gave the Allies a crucial edge.

The CIA had secured the direct phone number to Saddam Hussein’s Command and Control Center. Sgt. Powers was given the duty of continually tying up this Iraqi phone line with prank phone calls.

During the initial air invasion of Iraq, Powers prevented the Iraqis from ordering fighters to scramble and AA defenses to go up by calling the Command Center and goofing on them.

For a crucial one hour and sixteen minutes, Iraqi command center officers were unable to get their jets to scramble as an avalanche of American cruise missiles and warplanes approached, because they were too busy checking out Sgt. Powers' inquiry as to whether or not Mike Hunt was there.

Iraqi counter-attacks, re-routing of supplies, and orders to kill Kurds out of spite were unable to go through because Powers tied up the phone with such gems as:

Is this the person to whom I am speaking? Is your oasis running? I’m Reggie with the New York Times; could I interest you in a subscription? And of course…

Do you have Prince Albert Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti in a can?

Powers was a frickin’ genius and an unsung hero.

Thank you for your service Sgt. Powers.

Enjoy your Veterans Day, all. And please, don’t forget to check out the mattress sale at an authorized Serta dealer near you.

Cheers!!

Hodgepodge and Health Care Protestors

I’m feeling nervous…not necessarily a bad, doom-ridden nervous, but rather more of an anxious feeling.

That sensation is preventing me from focusing on any one thing, so…

Today’s treatise is a bit of hodgepodge…an olio…a potpourri, a veritable vichyssoise of somewhat random thoughts.

This day in 1945 was not only the day the first A-Bomb was dropped but also the day that my mom and dad were married.

If they were still with us, they would be celebrating their 64th Wedding Anniversary today. But alas, they are celebrating this day in Heaven.

My mom is undoubtedly playing cards with her friends...Picture a dozen blue haired ladies engaged in a vicious card game to see who will walk away with the grand prize of a $3.50 pine scented candle bought at the check out line of the grocery store.

My dad? He is laying on a long, heavenly couch watching re-runs of Mr. Ed, Hogan’s Heroes, or The Andy Griffith Show.

And in heaven, my dad is happy because they don’t show the Andy Griffith episodes in which the main story revolves around Opie or Aunt Bee. Oh, how he loathed those particular episodes.

I have no idea why, but the following things turn me on when worn by a woman:

A pony tail, especially when it sticks out of the back of a baseball cap. Thumb rings, no idea why. Ankle bracelets. Schmoop has one.

It’s quite plain, but seeing her wearing it, makes me hot. Glasses…A chick in glasses makes me weak in the knees. Schmoop should wear hers more.

A lady came through the Beer Mine last night. She was kinda cute but it was the perfume she was wearing that caught my attention. I wanted to ask her what it was so I could get some for Schmoop.

I didn’t ask her because I figured she would think that I was coming on to her and/or was some kind of creep. I think it’s sad that I had to even consider that scenario, but society has made people uptight.

See that picture of me?

On my forehead is a check that I just received from a company for embedding a link to their company within my June 10th post about the guy in Ohio who was arrested for parading around in a woman’s swimsuit.

It’s not a big check, but I thought it was cool.

They sought me out because they liked my writing. It was out of the blue and I initiated nothing. I can dig that. 10-20 of those a month and Schmoop and I would be quite happy.

I’m hanging out with Ryno this morning. We may drive some golf balls, hit the batting cages, or fish.

Whatever we do, I’ll have to feed the boy, and I may spring for Taco Bell for Schmoop and I tonight. Man, that aforementioned check went quickly.

Lastly…

A word from me to all of the Town Hall Meeting Health Care protestors. Quit being loud-mouthed assholes. You come off as senseless morons.

If you want to debate government health care, learn what proposals are out there and debate them on the merits.

Or, if you want to protest with the volume turned up, could you be funny about it? I like creative humor. I’m a propagandist for gods sakes, and like the protestors I have seen, not a policy wonk.

In fact, when government types are discussing health care or environmental policies and proposals, my eyes glaze over and I begin to drool white spittle from the corners of my mouth. You know, like Larry King does every night.

I beg of all of you Anti-Government Health Care Town Hall Meeting Maniacs, either be smart or be funny…but please, take your dunce cap off, quit shouting and start showing a modicum of respect for others, and by all means…

Since many of you wacky protestors I have seen appear to be getting along in age, make sure to write your representative and tell him/her you no longer want to receive Medicare, VA care, or the electro-shock therapy you so desperately need.

Cheers!!

Havana Daydreamin'

It’s going to be sunny and 75 in Bagwine today. Thank God for that. Spring has been slow in coming this year.

And, as things finally seem to be thawing out here, it looks as though after fifty years, there are nascent attempts afoot to thaw relations between the U.S. and Cuba.

I think it’s high time for just that.

Look it…Fidel is old and near death. Hell, compared to Fidel Castro, even Larry King looks like he's actually alive.

Raul Castro who is now running the Communist island has said that in order to improve relations, he is willing to talk with the U.S. about “everything”.

This “everything” includes human rights, free press, political prisoners, and as my secret Cuban source tells me, getting the doddering old dickhead Fidel, to shave and take a bath.

Now that’s serious stuff, because Fidel has not bathed since the night of April 19th 1961 when he victoriously went skinny dipping in the Bay of Pigs.

I think an end to our embargo of Cuba, allowing travel, and normalizing relations between us and the Communist nation is a good thing.

It opens up a new market for the Big Three auto makers. Hell, GM, Chrysler, and Ford could dump leftover models from the 70’s and 80’s in Cuba, and it would be a step up for the Cuban consumer.

Here’s to Pacer Diplomacy and Victory through the Vega!!

Americans win. Cubans Win. And most of all, Major League Baseball wins. 'Cause let me tell ya, those commies can hit, run, and turn a 6-4-3 double play like no capitalist pig can.

Now President Obama made a good point when entertaining the thought of easing restrictions on travel to Cuba.

He said that there are no better ambassadors of freedom than the American people. I agree, and to that end, I offer this man up as our first citizen ambassador to Cuba…

He is Drive-By Mikey. He’s my boss and one major league asshole helluva great guy.

This very brief video demonstrates his compassion as he sends a message of hope and inspiration to my Schmoop:

So warm. So human. If he can talk to the Cubans like that…?

Before we know it, Barry Manilow will be singing “Copacabana” in Havana with Fidel sitting in the front and being forced to listen.

And let me tell ya, that is fitting justice for a third-rate thug of a dictator such as Castro.

Cheers!!