Thursday, September 21, 2006

Whadda Ya Mean It's Contaminated?

I caught the opening of Fox and Friends this morning (and don’t worry, I came through the incident just fine), and that blathering, blowhard of Bushlandia, ED “Man Hands” Hill, was whining about the speeches that Hugo Chavez and Iranian President Mahmoud Alphabet gave at the UN this week. Granted, Hugo and Mahmoud may not be wrapped too tightly, and to call the Bush the Devil may be pre-mature, since some clerics consider him to be merely the “Son of Devil”; however, ED and the other two stooges were implying that the two are stupid and/or crazy.

I was proud of ED for following her statements up by proving that Venezuela and Iran do not corner the market on stupid and/or crazy. She mentioned that since the U.S, houses the UN, is paying for renovations, and supplies a great deal of the budget, that these speeches were out of line and just not right, darn it. It seems to her that since we foot part of the bill, only our friends may speak. In other words, “United Kingdom, you’re okay. Germany, hell yes step up to the microphone. France? Well, alright, but only if we get to review and edit your statements first. The rest of yooze can go to hell."

Oh Mizz Hill, you epitomize the monocular thinking and pomposity of this administration and much of America. You can; however, find comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your dumbing of America. Consider the following…

I heard on the news this morning that NEW cases of E.Coli sickness have been reported, this coming well after the initial warnings that took place, oh, I don’t know…..NEARLY A WEEK AGO!!? I mean come on; you don’t have to be a news junkie to have heard about “Spinach Gone Bad” do you? Helllooooooo, TV, radio, newspapers, town crier…Call Pat Sajak and buy a clue for God Sakes.

Oh, but it gets better…well…worse actually. Last winter, in my neck of the woods, a man went to start his car, but it wouldn’t start. He figured that his fuel line had frozen up, but he knew just how to fix the problem. Evidently, he thought (I use the term loosely), if he could get some warm gasoline into the line the rest would melt. Brilliant!!! So he proceeds to pour some gas from a gas can into a sauce pan and takes it inside to warm upon the stove. One huge ass fireball, two waxed eyebrows, and third degree burns later, he remembers that he had flunked his second grade science class. Sadly, I have heard of this type of incident occurring more than once.

On a less harmful, but no less stupid note, a friend of mine drinks Kool-Aid, which of course is mixed with a CUP of sugar. His wife usually makes it for him. One morning, she was headed off to the store, and he told her that he was going to make a pitcher. She said to him that the he would have to get the one cup measuring unit out of the drawer because the one in the sugar container was only half a cup. He burst out laughing, but the funniest thing is that she didn’t understand why.

Ahhhhh, in spite of ourselves, we have managed to exist as a country for over 200 years. These things actually give me hope. Stupidity is not confined to one part of the world or one country. Let’s draw upon this commonality and build a free, peaceful, stupid world.

One last note, my friend suggested a good way to freak out the cashier at the grocery check-out line. Buy a bag of fresh packaged spinach, and when he or she warns you of the danger, just say, “Don’t worry it’s not for me.”

Have a good day, and no Mo, I haven’t forgotten your movie survey, and to all….Cheers.

And Now Our Moment of Hinn…

In today for Benny, the fiery and corpulent man of God, T.D. Jakes.

“I do think we need some Christians who are in first class as well as coach.”

--T.D. Jakes

12 comments:

Unknown said...

Hugo, Alphabet, Bush, and Fox News: Champions of the Black Pots and Kettles Namecalling Competition for several years running.

We as a nation have survived for 200 years, but sadly, I don't think we'll make it another 200... lol

Mo and The Purries said...

Why didn't someone box up all the bagged spinach (which is still sitting in grocery store coolers while they wait for someone to figure out what to do with this TOXIC waste, according to Meloncutter) and send it to the United Nations? I'm sure that since Dubya doesn't read the papers, much less watch anything but America's Next Top Model on TV, that he hasn't been warned of the spinach scandal. And you know the rest of the world leaders would just gobble up whatever crap's placed in front of them at an official function.
While the "leaders" of the world are shitting themselves to death, some real power (hell, I don't know, Oprah maybe) could sweep in and take control. You know a woman would do a better job than Dubya's ever dreamed of doing, and Oprah could give every returning soldier a BRAND NEW CAR after she got corporate sponsors to re-build Baghdad and re-decorate every former-insurgent hut. You know the insurgents would bow down in front of The Oprah and say "no suicide bombs, just keep Tom off the couch, bitch".

And we could send the rest of the spinach, that the UN folks didn't eat, over to Iran and North Korea. That'll keep 'em busy instead of messing with nukyaler "enrichment".
Give us your nukes, and we'll give you some Immodium, Oprah would say. World Peace through bloody diahrrea. Better than what's spewing out of Dubya's orifices.

Schmoop said...

Oh we'll make it another 200, although the way we borrow money from them, we'll be called the United States of China...

Mo, don't sugar coat it, tell me how you really feel!!

Unknown said...

I think the United States of Wal-Mart has a better ring to it...

Laura said...

I thought the Hugo Chavez speech was brilliant! He didn't directly call Bush the devil. It was very subtle. I'd actually be surprised if Dub picked up on it.

Morgen, the spinach to the UN sounds brilliant!

And I like the Chinated Marts of America. It shares initials with the Country Music Association, y'all! I can be patriotic AND a redneck, all at once, when I wear my CMA airbrushed sweats!

Laura said...

Just realized I used brilliant twice. Don't know what that's about. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Laura said...

Morgen, have you seen this?
http://www.dreamagic.com/oprah/
I like "someone we can both love and trust" -- you can take it as, we both love AND trust her, or the two of us, the only people who will visit this site, love and trust her.

Laura said...

OK, I'm finished taking over the comments section....NOW!

Sister Mary Martha said...

I don't think Mr. Chavez's speech was subtle...or may it was and it was just made unsubtle by the weird chirpy interpreter.

Cheesy said...

“Don’t worry it’s not for me.” LMAO thanks for that grin Matt lol

Janna said...

By now everyone should know spinach is poison, just like everyone should realize that Dubya IS the Devil.
Perhaps we should start calling him "Beelzebub-ya."

Schmoop said...

Chinated Marts of America...I like it. Hey, Laura? Are you back on the amphetimines? Bless you, Sister. As far as interpreters. I have a theory that there are only 2 in the world...one male, one female. They always sound oddly the same.

Anytime, Cheesy...Please advise me immediately when you pen similar poetry ; )

Janna, maybe we can forge world peace thru HOT potato chips...