Friday, January 05, 2007

Streaming Friday !!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiiiiiiiday…So buckle up, enjoy the ride, and bend over ‘cause I’m a gonna spank ya. Boo Yah. Nancy Pelosi is not just the first female Speaker of the House, in my book she is a definite GILF!! Hummina hummina hummina. I hate the word “proactive”. It’s a stupid word. I mean break it down: “pro”=for and “active”=doing something. I am for doing something….doesn’t mean I will, but by God I am FOR it.

I hate the word “multi-task” as well. I am very good at multi-tasking…Oh really? Multi-Task on this you Jezebel. So overused…Speaking of overused, my liver hurts. I like liver and onions, anyone else? I know Janna doesn’t, because she hates all onions. I may have mentioned my love of liver before, because I recall someone commenting that they don’t eat organ meat…prude. Eating a cow’s liver really puts me in the moooooooooed. Ha.

If I had to be an inanimate object, I wouldn’t mind being Tyra Banks’ car seat. If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning, I’d hammer in the evening, all over Bill O’Reilly’s head. Wow, it would take an enormous hammer for that big noggin. I had a good chuckle yesterday. I was looking at my stats meter and my hits are exceeding my log. I thought to myself, “I need to increase the size of my log.” But we already knew that, didn’t we? As I was looking at my stats I also saw that someone was directed to my site by Googling “non-surgical circumcision”. Head On…Apply Directly to the Foreskin!!

Paper or plastic? I enjoy popping bubble wrap. I hear that Dubya is going to let us in on his new strategery for the Iraq war next week. I am pretty sure what he will say, “Failure is not an option, our plan is to succeed.” Brilliant!! Here ya go Pretzeldunce, have a 12 pack of Bud and get back with us with something a little less infantile…Moron. I’ve got two eyes, one two. They’re both the same size, one two. I’ve got twoooooo eyes, and they’re both the same size…a Sesame Street classic indeed.

Holy cow my hemorrhoids are acting up today. They’re protruding out further than Marcia Brady’s proboscis in the episode where she got hit in the face with a football. If Steinbeck were still around he could pen a new novel entitled, “The Grapes of Matt.” Zowie, I am on fire and not in a good way my friends. Where in the hell is a Sitz Bath when you need one? Myocardial Infarction, a fun word to say and yet a definition that yields such dire consequences. Ironic, eh?

It’s nearly 60 degrees here on January 5th. I may go outside and run naked through the park…but I won’t…because that would be silly. I mean, why would I run? I would be hacking up tar, nicotine, and gastric bile all over myself while my hemmies drag across the pavement…Screw that, I am gonna lie on my side and smoke. Luuuuucy, you got some ‘splainin to dooooooooo. Shocka shockaaaaah.

Have a wonderful weekend all, spend it playing Nude Twister. See you all Monday…
Cheers!!

Huh?

23 comments:

adav_11 said...

I found something you and I don't share a love of - liver. No way Jose. I am not blogging today, not in the mood. Have a good one Matt.

Mo and The Purries said...

Oh my nose! Said Marcia when playing Nude Twister at the Matt-man's over the back to the regular old two day weekend. Oh my nose!
Matt-man grins slyly and slides it in anyway to home base. Touchdown! The crowd goes mild! Do ya want fries with that organ meat?
Oh my nose!

Anonymous said...

Your stream posts are always amusing!

It's warm here, too. Weird warm for January, but I love it!

Have a great weekend, Matt!

Lizza said...

What a ride, haha! I hope those grapes shrink to the size of raisins or disappear altogether.

Now somebody will find your site by googling something like "Steinbeck's hemorrhoids."

Have a great weekend, Matt!

Liz Hill said...

OK--so do you know how to get the spittle off my IMAC screen? I am gonna laugh all day at the line "while my hemmies drag the pavement". Sounds like a Dodge commercial--"Hey has that thing got a hemmie?"

Have a good weekend playing naked twister with Nancy Pelosi and Marcia---now there's a visual

Schmoop said...

Adav: If we had everything in common life would be boring...Hope your mood improves.

Mo: Marcia? Yes Matt...a wocka wocka

Jess: Thanks Jess have a good one yourself, Cheers.

Lizza: Ha...Steinbecks Hemms...It probably will show up on my stats. Cheers to ya.

Turnbaby: Ha, that's a good one. I never made the Dodge connection. I wouldnt be averse to doing a a little fillerbustering with Pelosi.

Unknown said...

Hemmoroids and liver... by far the most appetite-destroying blog you've ever written.

Happy Friday!! :)

Schmoop said...

Hiya Allie...Oh it could have been worse. I could have added Rachel Ray to the mix. Happy Friday to you my friend.

The Boy said...

I think you are very proactive Mr Matt. You are increasing your user base by clever insertion of interesting and provocative search terms.

I mean "non-surgical circumcision" adicts. You gotta love those guys.

Eyezaku said...

Hi Matt-man. I came across your blog (via a Bestest Blog of the Day Rerun) while you were away, but I wanted to wait til you had returned before I left a comment. Anyway, want you to know that I loved your dinner party story, and, for what it's worth, I think you're a great writer. Loved this Streaming Friday post, too.

Schmoop said...

HA...Good One Boy. This is the post that they saw when they used that particular search query:

http://bagwine.blogspot.com/2006/08/im-thinkin-nobel-prize.html

Eyechan: Well thank you very much, kind words indeed. I'll make sure to stop by your site. Thanks again, and Cheers!!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

OK Matt-Man, I do eat liver and onions, as a matter of fact i mentioned that last week on THE COUCH...
Nancy Pelosi.. i agree, she could filibuster me any ole time.
Bill O'Reilly needs a large hammer coming down on his head...idjit.
I think oyu better go back and explain the Seseme Street song again in case W stops by. It would mess him all up and he would spend the next 10 days in front of the mirror... "ummm they SEEM to be the same size...Oh Dick, c'mere a sec would ya"

Schmoop said...

Lol....Nice stream there yourself Bond..er...well...you know what I mean. Dick would probably just tell W to Go F@#K Yourself...Have a glorious weekend.

Desert Songbird said...

Huh, what?...uh, sorry...got caught up in the stream and then washed away down stream.

You crack me up, Matt. Think I'll go have a drink now...

Schmoop said...

Ha...Thanks Songbird enjoy the drink and the weekend, Cheers!!

Unknown said...

YAY! Next round: baaaackwards =)
Thanks for the brain cinema... whenever I´m going to play twister there will be a picture of a naked Matt-Tilda after the Matt-amorphosis - LOL

Have a great weekend =)

Janna said...

How sweet, you remembered I hate onions!
Thanks to this post, I now know more about your rectal area than I ever, EVER wanted to know.
Grapes....?
Hemorrhoids...grapes... so is that some weird 'Matt-Man' version of "olives being Satan's dingleberries?"
...You're not related to Satan, are you?

Schmoop said...

Ha, "brain cinema", I like that. Left foot blue Sanni, oooo yeah perfect!! Cheers to ya.

I'm a sweet guy Janna...sorta. I think my readers should know me inside and out, and no I am not related to Satan...Caligula perhaps. Cheers!!

Laura said...

Matt-Man, I agree with Allie - hemmies and liver aren't my idea of good appetizers, though I've never tried them, so you never know. "Don't knock it till you try it/Put a little on your plate/Don't make a face before you taste it/Some kids think it's great!" Yes, I can remember songs like that from 80s Saturday morning PSAs, but can't remember what I did 20 minutes ago. Not enough liver in my diet I guess.

Cheesy said...

Proactive shinks zits... put some on your roids...I don't do cows organs but,,,,Have been know to play the "pipe" organ a time or two.
"It’s nearly 60 degrees here on January 5th."~~~ SHUDUP! :O)
Here's a link just for your pleasure..
http://www.urban75.com/Mag/bubble.html
http://www.addictinggames.com/bubblewrap.html

Natalia said...

ROTFL Tyra Bank's car seat...really? And I'd hammer all over Bill O'Reilley's head as well...and all over his little nuts.

Sorry. I got carried away!

-N

Carmen San Diego said...

your writing today was like reading a blog from someone who has ADHD. I couldn't keep up. LOL!!! It made my anxiety kick in. Enough where I had to go take one of my valiums to calm down. Too many points for me to keep up with. Ha Ha!! It's not you it's my own illness really.

Schmoop said...

Laura: What?

Cheesy: Thanks for the links, as if I dont have enough distractions already!!

Nat: Go with it Nat. O'Reilly deserves to be bludgeoned.

Carmen: Sorry to drive you to meds, I'll try to calm down...Cheers.