Friday, January 26, 2007

Streaming Friday !!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiiiiiiday, so lock the doors and hide the children. I woke up at 4:39 A.M. this morning. That was redundant. I was awakened by a nightmare. Katie Couric was chasing me with an axe and just as she was getting close to lopping off my head, Leslie Nielsen stepped in and smashed her face in with a shovel…WTF? Onamontapeia, I love that word….Ka-BOOM, CLANG!!...Whoosh.

As you know, tonight my 12 year old son debuts as a comedian of sorts, and I am in a quandary, Do I cheer loudly, or say “Dude, you suck, get off the stage!?” I played Ali Hakim in the musical “Oklahoma!” in High School. I have been in several plays over the years. Interesting? Eh, not so much…Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry. Does anyone get scurvy anymore? When I take you out in my surrey. Lack of Vitamin C causes that. With the fringe on top!! Ooo, pardon me, I just belched.

I am running around to do some errands today. I mean, not as we speak, but later, around noon. I am wearing boxers today. Ninety percent of the time that’s what I wear. About five percent of the time I wear briefs, and the remaining five percent I take a page out of the Britney Spears play book. I find thigh high stockings and hi-heels sexy. They look pretty good on women as well. I’m just kidding…I don’t intentionally cross dress, but one Sunday morning a couple of years ago I woke up with Schmoop’s panties on. We don’t know why it happened or how I managed to squeeze my ass into them. It looked like I was wearing a thong…Not pleasant for either of us.

Oh good lord, I have some serious gas. WOW!! It’s not childishly humorous gas that makes funny noises. It’s more like what Saddam used on the Kurds…great googly moogly. You know, if I were to…hold on. I had French Bread pizza last night. Yum-Oh!! That was pretty much my bread allotment for the week. Can’t wait to have Dave shave my head Sunday. There once was a blogger named Matt-Man…Whose mind was that of a trash can…He begged his readers to lay him, but he couldn’t persuade them. So he said, “Screw it, I’ll just use my left hand.” Not bad…

It’s tough sometimes being left handed, but it’s a great excuse to sit at the head of the table or on the outside of a booth when eating out. Ya don’t want me elbowing you, do you? Cacophony is a cool word as well. Sounds dirty….goes well with orgasmic. He sent her into an orgasmic cacophony…see? Dammit, there’s never any scorpions around when you need one…

Hey y’all Desert Songbird’s Birthday is this weekend so click HERE and wish her a good one. Desert, I will fly out tomorrow to personally deliver a thorough spanking…Have a great weekend all, and I’ll see ya Monday.

Cheers!!

18 comments:

Cheesy said...

I too am still working off my garlic laden bread allotment for the week .. hell it's been a week and I still am bleching.. yum dessert! I have visions of Quahogs dancing in my head,, it's quite a sight. Ok Matt made me look up a word.. shit! Its not in there...Onamontapeia.. must be in the book of bad boy words.. too bad Im a bad gurlie.
I need a decoder ring. I will have cracker jacks for lunch, maybe I'll score one..
Cheese likes bald heads.. easier to find the ears to hold on to that way.. and if your guy falls asleep muff diving .. just get out your sharpie and amuze yourself. I fancy myself an artiste! Littleman will get a standing ovation...Matt~~ don't drop me on the floor when you stand...weekends were made for love...maybe Ill just skip to Monday... sigh...IM OFF TO TAKE MY VITAMIN... no wantum scurvy!!

Anonymous said...

Shaving your ears in the morning sucks...

I like the hot shower water to cascade over my arm pits.

Schmoop said...

Cheesy, Onamontapeia is a word that describes a sound...Like when Emeril Legasse has sex: BAM!! I wont drop ya because it wouldnt ke....WHAT!!?

I knew it!! Joe, you are no more than a dirty arm pit water cascader!!

jillie said...

HAHAHA...I thought maybe you were going to say the Katie was chasing you naked...ewwww and then you caught her and Leslie doing the nasty.

Those silent but deadly green clouds (aka air biscuits) are killer. Those are the best...you can blame them on anyone or better yet the dog.

I love boxers...they're great to sleep in with a nice wife beater (shirt silly not the real thing). I am sure they are a lot more comfy than you waking up in too tight grundies ;o)

My mom is left handed so other than the weekly beatings that I use to get as a child, I am use to being "elbowed". You know, now that you think of it, now I know why she always made ME sit next to her...well...anywhoooooo...you have a mahvelous day and so sit back and enjoy the show and be gentle on the kid ok?

ciao

Schmoop said...

Damn It, Jillie why did you mention Katie being naked? I now have a very disturbing image in my mind!! A woman in a wife beater is sexy indeed. Yeah dont kid yourself; your mom knew exactly what she was doing. Have a safe trip home and enjoy the weeknd. Cheers!! Quack Quack

Steven said...

Definitly yell for him to get off the stage.

Yes...that's the exact thing you should do. ;)

Steve~

Anonymous said...

Leslie Neilson is bow legged....from riding Katie like a pack mule

Desert Songbird said...

What is it with you and women on television showing up in your nightmares? And Leslie Nielsen? Okaaaaaaay then.......hmm.....

If you don't boo your son off the stage, don'tcha think he'll think there's sumpin' wrong witchyou?

Ooops - had one too many margaritas last night, and I'm still feelin' the effects this morning - burb....

Hey, dude, thanks for the birthday shout out! That's two this morning -- I feel so loved! So what time does your flight arrive? I'll be there waiting, wearing....

Love ya!

Schmoop said...

Thanks Steve...Your advice is always invaluable and right on the money!!

Joe: I bet he called her Shirley as he had his way with her.

Songbird: I cant control my sordid dreams. You might be right, maybe I should heckle him. As far as your Margarita effects, get right back out there and drink some more. Cheers

Anonymous said...

Frank Drebben - Police Squad

RW said...

Good luck to your son Matt-Man and before you go you might want to cork your butt! so there still a audience for final curtain lol have a great weekend Matt-Man!!

y.Wendy.y said...

Tautological would sound better than redundant. ;)

I ate French green beans last night. Not the long thin ones, the fat round ones..like kidney beans. You figure out what my day was like!

Funny I dreamt of you last night..no don't get excited...you were flying a little bubble space ship like they used to fly in the Jetsons.

Have a great evening (aah don't be rude to the tyke) and a good shave.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

wooo Big time have fun shout-out for tonight and I say .. if he sucks - tell em so..no sense in lying to our off-sperm - or is that off-spring..
i get so confused when my mind is on Jack and it's smooth sensation as it flows over my tongue and down my gullet.. HEY IS IT 5-FREAKING -O-CLOCK YET?

Good weekend MM

Odat said...

I'm so cold today..i can't even think of what to say so all I'll say is Have a Wonderful, Left Handed Weekend!

Peace

Janna said...

Whew, I finally just got caught up on your week's worth of posts.
You're a busy guy!
I agree with Allie-- we simply must see pictures of your new bald-shaven head.
Then I can photoshop even MORE pictures of you with Rachael Ray...
OOPS, er, I mean, ....
Damn.

Mo and The Purries said...

Times like this were made for taste her choice little muffin, english muffins have lots of buttery crooks and nannies, and do you remember when the nanny got thrown out in one of those tragic scenes right in the middle of flushing queens. Flushing queens sounds like the name of an all drag queen janitorial service. But I started this comment by bringing up time, because I'm sorry I never had time today to leave a comment here at streaming squeaming matt-man is beaming super friday post -- I spent the day switching out clearance christmas display window for valentines day. Just not into the whole I ♥ you thing this year, but anything to make a buck, right bucko? Anyhoo, sorry this is sooo late, I know you're three sheets to the wind by now and I for one am glad I'm upwind of you right now. Enjoy your weekend and have a Manic Monday!

Liz Hill said...

Okay-- you still owe Sanni her prize so why not combine all three--YOU in the ladies Bagwine shirt and boxers all freshly shaved. And if it's late Sunday --from the sound of your weekend plans --maybe we'll get to see the thigh highs and heels as an added bonus;)

Schmoop said...

Roger: Thanks, had a great weekend and LittleMan was perfect!!

Wendz: Ha...I was excited for a minute, I thought maybe you and I had joined the 500 mile High Club!!

Bond: I hope you enjoyed your Jack this weekend. Littleman was a hoot.

Odat: Brrrrr.Cold here too. And now I am BALD!!

Janna: You'll see them. Give me a few to develop them and you cant work your voodoo.

Mo: I took a a picture of the English Toffee candle that you sent. I'll make sure to post it.

TB: I have to send the shirt and boxers to a couple of folks...I think it best if they remain chaste!!