What Would Matt-Man Do?...The Beginning

I spoke last week about how the world would be different if I had been the Son of God. I guess when one gives up meat for Lent it does strange things not only to one’s colon, but to one’s mind as well.

I had a vision in my sleep last night. I awoke, but being newly born could not speak. I was lying in a manger and I was surrounded by foul smelling farm animals. My cognitive senses, even at this infantile state, were remarkably well developed. I saw several people sitting and standing, looking down upon me with great wonderment. Evidently they were my mom and dad. Mom was sitting next to me patting my head and wailing great tears of sorrow. I thought, “Wow, it’s good to know I bring such joy.” As it turned out, her tears were brought on by my dad, Joseph, pacing back and forth in the stable saying, “Virgin birth my ass Mary…Who the hell’s been fillin’ your falafel?”

Fortunately the tension was broken by the arrival of three wise guys. Their names were Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthasar, which oddly enough are the same names of the dudes in the Classical Music Rap group that I have been promoting, “Ludwig Von Blingthoven and the Overtures” Their first CD, “Pimp My Bach” came out last year. Anyway, these three MC Hammer looking dudes brought some gifts.

They brought gold, frankincense, and myrrh. I immediately thought, “Oh thanks guys, I can’t wait to play with the soft metal and dried tree sap. Color me one happy ass Matt-Siah.” Y’know a fishing pole or a lambskin football would have been nice. But noooo. My dad however, was eyeing that gold like Dick Cheney eyeing an all you can eat steak buffet inside of Abu Ghraib prison. Wow, talk about your lust and greed.

From that moment on, the vision began to wane and become murky. I remember that I was trying to sleep but some little dirt covered bastard showed up and started banging on a drum. He told Mom that he was playing the drum because he had nothing else to give me…yet another really great present for the Son of God. But before finally exiting from this Holy Vision it managed to get worse.

With the little drummer boy pounding out a beat, Gaspar began singing out a funky bass line, Melchior was blurting out some distorted counter melody and then the B-Man began to rap:

The prophecy has come to pass
Now all of the Jews gonna kick some ass
They’ll nail our home boy to a wooden T
But his sacrifice will set us free

Christ-T…boom boom boom…Christ-T…What’s the Word?...Christ-T…

The music faded and I remember muttering just before I fell asleep, “Dear God, why have you forsaken me?”

Until the ‘morrow, Cheers!!